Don't You Go and Carry On With Your Life

Alex

I drove in silence back home after leaving Jack's house. I didn't even feel like having the radio on. I needed to be alone with my own thoughts. I told Jack that I missed him for probably the hundredth time tonight and I almost kissed him. I didn't kiss him but I brought out lips so close together and Jack didn't stop me. It was confusing. I almost felt like he wanted me to do it. When I asked him if he still felt anything for me he didn't answer. I didn't know if that was a good or bad thing. Maybe he was confused too. I mean I cheated on him and pushed him away for months and when he finally left me for good I immediately start begging for him to take me back. I tricked myself into thinking that I needed to sleep with someone else to be happy. How could I not see that I had the best husband in the world? The only person who loved me no matter what. The one who worked day and night to make sure I achieved my dream. Jack desperately tried to fix our marriage when he noticed I wasn't as interested in him. He gave me so many chances to fall in love with him again and I didn't realize it at the time. Now I realize it when we've been divorced for months and he's with some other guy.

I pulled into a bar that I always passed when going home. I just needed at drink to help me ease my mind. I walked in and sat at the bar. It was pretty empty to say today was Saturday night.

"What'll have, Cutie?" The bar tender asked me. I looked up to see a lady in maybe her late forties with huge fake boobs. She smiled at me waiting for me to order a drink.

"Jim Beam, on the rocks." I sighed.

"Long night?" She asked as she began pouring my drink.

"Yeah."

"Wanna talk about it?" She asked, sitting my drink in front of me.

"Not really."

"Come on, it might make you feel better." She pressed. "What is it? Work? Girlfriend problems? ...Boyfriend problems?" She continued.

"Ex-husband." I confirmed, and took a long sip of my drink.

"You sound like you need two drinks." She joked and I lightly chuckled. "Recent divorce?"

"It's been a few months."

"Let me guess, you miss him."

"'Miss him' is an understatement. I've been trying to get him to take me back, but nothing's working."

"Well what've you tried so far?"

"Telling him how much I miss him."

"That's it?" She asked and I nodded. "Is the divorce your fault?" She asked and I nodded again. "And have you actually apologized for whatever you did?"

"I tried to in a letter but he-"

"-Have you apologized in person?" She reiterated.

I stared into to space as I thought about if I've ever actually apologized to Jack for cheating. Realization hit me as I came up with the answer.

"No . . . I haven't." I mumbled.

"Dummy, don't you think that should have been the first thing you did? You need to apologize to him, sincerely apologize to him and then you can tell him how much you miss him and see how he feels after that. Until you apologize he won't take anything you tell him seriously because it won't seem like you feel remorse for what you've done." She was right. I spent all this time telling Jack I wanted him back but I never apologized for why he left me in the first place.

"You're right. I need to apologize to Jack. I did the most fucked up thing imaginable and I haven't actually apologized to him."

"You cheated didn't you?" She asked.

"Yeah, I did." I stated while looking down.

"Mhmm. My first husband cheated on me. Now he's six feet under." She chuckled and I looked at her in shock. "It was a heart attack, but I thought about positioning his food a few times." She said and I could tell she meant it. "That's the easiest way to break a person; cheating on them. The only reason I'm helping you is because it seems like you really care about the guy. You're still a piece of shit." She said and I nodded.

"I know, but I really do love him." I confessed.

"Then apologize and try to earn his trust back. It's going to take some time to do that but it's gonna have to happen."

"I'm going to apologize in person tomorrow." I said mostly promising myself. I finished my drink and handed her back the glass.

"Alright, I wish you the best of luck." She smiled at me.

"Thank you." I pulled out my wallet to pay for the drink and give her a twenty dollar tip. She deserved it after the help she given me tonight.

I told her goodnight and drove myself back home to prepare myself for tomorrow.

******

*Jack*

I decided to spend Sunday morning with my mom since the kids were lazing around the house and Austin had to work. I went to get donuts for Kellin and Kylie and then I left them and drove over to my mom’s.

I kind of wanted to go talk to my mom about Alex and me. After last night I didn't know how I felt. I know I still wanted to hate him but my body wasn't matching my mind. I needed her to tell me what was wrong with me.

"Hey mom." I greeted her when she opened the door for me.

"Hi Jack, come in." She moved over and let me in.

I walked all the way to the kitchen to get some orange juice to go with my donuts. She followed me and sat at the table to eat the breakfast she made herself.

"I can make extra if you're hungry." She offered, pointing to her plate.

"No thanks, mom. I have donuts." I said and sat down across from her with my orange juice.

"Oh okay." She nodded. "Where are the kids?"

"At home, lying in Kellin's bed watching TV. They didn't feel like getting out of the house so I left them." I chuckled.

"It's too early for them, especially Kellin." She agreed.

"Yeah he'll probably be fully up at around noon or one." I said looking at the time. It was just ten am now.

"Why aren't you spending time with your boyfriend, Austin?" She teased. She wouldn't let go the fact that I dated Austin so long without telling her.

"He had to work today." I chuckled.

"Do the kids like him?"

"Yeah, Kylie likes everyone and Kellin said he liked him. Austin gets along great with them just fine."

"That's good! I was hoping you would give someone else a chance." She said happily.

"Yeah, Austin's great." I said and she raised an eyebrow at me.

"That wasn't very convincing. What's wrong?" She asked. I hated that she could tell something was wrong by the slightest change in my voice.

"It's nothing, mom." I tried to brush it off.

"It's not nothing, Jack. Come on, tell me. What is it?"

"I don't know. . . Austin's great and all but he's like too perfect if that makes sense." I sighed.

"I don't think I understand." She shook her head.

"He's just..." I trailed off trying to gather my thoughts.

"He's what?"

"I don't know he's not...." I was still trying to think about what made me think that way about Austin.

"He's not what?" She pressed.

"He's just too perfect. Like we never argue because he almost always agrees with me. And he's always giving me so much attention like telling me how good I look and just being over the top nice to me. At first I thought I like all the attention, but now it's kind of overwhelming and boring. He's just not-"

"-Alex." She cut in and I stared at her.

"No-no that's not what I was going to say."

"It sounds like what you were leading up to. Austin seems like he's doing everything Alex stopped doing for you." She shrugged.

"Well yeah he kind of is." I agreed.

"I thought you said you missed the attention Alex used to give you?" She asked.

"I-I did-I do." I stammered.

"Then why is it a problem now that Austin is giving you that attention?"

"It's not a problem, mom. It's just kind of annoying. But I would rather have Austin smother me in attention than Alex who gives me none." I said, I think mostly to myself.

"Really?" She raised an eyebrow at me, not believing that.

"Yeah. Just because I find Austin boring doesn't mean I automatically want Alex back."

"Do you even like Austin?"

"Yeah of course I do." I told her, but she still looked unconvinced.

"Now I think you moved on a little too quickly. Instead of giving yourself a break, you found a guy that gives you the attention Alex neglected to give you. Now you think he's boring or 'too perfect' because he's the exact opposite of Alex and you were looking for someone to replace Alex." She said and I frowned.

"Replace Alex? So you think I'm still in love with Alex?"

"Yeah I do." She sighed.

"How can I still be in love with someone who cheated on me and treated me so bad??" I asked, trying to see if she could answer that for me.

"Well he was your first real love so it might be harder for you to get over him than you think."

"I don’t think I’m still in love with Alex." I stated.

"Are you trying to convince me or yourself?" She asked and I shrugged.

"I'm not trying to convince anyone.” I mumbled.

"I feel like you're lying to yourself because you feel like you have to or you're afraid of what May, Joe, and I will think if you take Alex back. And in reality I would be a little nervous, but if that's what you want then we're not going to judge you." She told me. I didn't believe that, she probably wouldn't care but Joe, and probably May, would be pissed if I even attempted to take Alex back.

". . . I don't have feelings for Alex, mom." I repeated and she nodded and let the conversation go.

I stayed for an hour before leaving to go back home.

Maybe last night with Alex was a moment of weakness. Or maybe it's because I'm still attracted to Alex. I mean he's still as sexy as he was the day I agreed to marry him. No no I shouldn't think of him that way. I needed to talk to someone who would understand my internal conflict. Brendon seemed perfect because he found Alex attractive but knew that what he did was wrong.

I picked up my phone and called Brendon.

"Hello?" He answered.

"Brendon can you help me." I whined.

"Let me guess it has something to do with Alex?" He chuckled.

"Yes and I tried talking to my mom but she wasn’t much help."

"Alright what is it?"

"Do I seem happy with Austin?" I asked and he was quiet for a few seconds before answering.

"I don't know I guess. Do you think you're happy dating Austin?" He asked.

"I don't know. He's just like too close and like... nice."

"As opposed to distant and an asshole?" He asked and I sighed.

"I'm not staying I want him to be exactly like Alex. I just don't know if I like him as much as I thought."

"What? Austin seems like the perfect guy. He's so romantic and thoughtful. He's always taking you out on dates and he gets along with your kids. Plus you said he has a huge dick so what's not to like about him??"

"He is perfect, so why don't I like him as much as I should?" I questioned.

"You're not gonna like my answer." He said.

"If it has anything to do with you thinking I have feelings for Alex then I don't want to hear it. My mom just got finished saying that."

"Look Jack I can sit here and tell you what you want to hear which will get you nowhere. Or I can tell you the truth which will actually help. It's your choice."

"Okay let's say I do have feelings for Alex, I don’t but let’s just pretend, wouldn't it be completely insane for me to get back together with him after what he did to me?" I asked.

"Not necessarily." He said. "I think if you still love him and he feels really remorseful then it's not a crazy idea for you to want to take him back. I also think you have to be over what he did and ready to forgive him before you take him back. But most important you have to be completely honest with yourself. You can lie to me and your mom all you want, but you need to tell yourself the truth."

"I am being honest with myself."

"Then there's nothing to be worried or 'confused' about right?" He asked, a sarcastic tone.

"Right." I mumbled.

"Okay well I'm going to go wake my one night stand up and kick him out. You go figure out what to do about Austin and call me later if you need more help."

"Okay, thanks." I said and we hung up.

I pulled into my garage and turned my car off. Brendon's advice was bouncing around in my head. I wasn't being honest with myself cause why else would I need so many other opinions to validate my own. I think that's what my mom was trying to tell me too. I need to figure this out on my own without lying to myself.

I sat in my car for almost an hour going through different emotions and talking to myself and it actually worked. I was finally honest with myself about my true feelings towards Alex. It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and heart.

It's like Alex sensed that I had been thinking of him, because as soon as I got out of my car I received a text from him.

Kylie and Kellin's Dad

Hey Jack do you think we could talk sometime today?

Read 11:56pm

Jack

Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

Delivered 11:57pm

Kylie and Kellin's Dad

Okay! How about we meet at mines for lunch?

Read 11:58pm

Jack

3pm?

Delivered 11:58pm

Kylie and Kellin's Dad

Sound good to me!

Read 11:59pm

That gave me three hours to think about how I wanted to tell him my true feelings.

*Alex*

Jack actually agreed to coming over and talking to me. I couldn't help but feel really good about today. I was going to apologize to Jack and hopefully it would get us to being one step closer to mending our relationship.

I made chicken pesto sandwiches for Jack and me. That used to be his favorite lunch for me to make us. I figured if he ate it he would have flash backs to our happier days and maybe be more open with me.

My plan was to apologize sincerely, tell Jack that I still love him, and then ask him how he felt. There was no doubt in my mind that after I apologized, Jack would be more willing to fix us. Why else would he be so distant with me still? He was probably waiting on me to apologize like always. I can't believe it has taken me this long to figure that out.

I smiled to myself when my doorbell rang. Jack was finally here! I fixed my hair in my small hall mirror before taking a deep breath and opening the door for him.

"Hey, you look great." I said as soon as I saw him.

"I'm wearing jeans and a t-shirt, Alex." He said.

"Well yeah but you look good in anything." I said and he playfully rolled his eyes.

He followed me into the kitchen and I had him sit at the table. I sat a plate with a sandwich and a few chips down on front of him. Then I sat down with my own sandwich.

"Oh my god, I haven't had one of these in forever!" He exclaimed.

"Yeah I figured today would be a good day to make them."

"This is so good." He moaned as he took a bit. I missed making him moan.

"Thanks." I said and he nodded.

"Okay now let's talk about why I came over."

"Yeah of course. I um just thought we should talk for a second about what happened....between us." I said and he slowly nodded. "There is just something I need to get off of my chest Jack. Cheating on you was by far the worst mistake of my life. I don't know why I ever thought I was unhappy in our marriage. I am completely miserable without you and I . . . I just owe you the biggest apology. I'm so so sorry for cheating on you. I know that it was wrong and I know that I hurt you in the worst way imaginable but I can't stress how horrible I feel about it. I just miss you so much and I've never wished for anything harder than I've wished that . . . That you would give me a second chance." I apologized. Jack was staring at me while nodding his head the whole time I talked. I didn't know if that was a good thing or not.

"I've done a lot of thinking about us this morning." He sighed and I nodded. "I talked to my mom and Brendon who both told me I needed to be honest with myself on whether or not I still have feelings for you or not."

"Do you?" I asked.

"I uh came to the conclusion that I do. I do still have feelings for you. I don't think I ever did stop honestly. I just tricked myself into thinking I still hated you because I was so hurt and angry." He said and I felt like I was on top of the world.

"Jack you don't know how happy I am to-"

"-I don't want to get back together with you though." He cut me off and my face fell.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I still had to ask myself if I'm really over what you did and honestly I'm not. I'm not over the fact that you actually cheated on me."

"Jack!-" I begged but he kept on talking over me.

"-You had sex with Tay multiple times and came home like you were doing nothing wrong."

"Jack I-"

"-you made me feel insecure for months. You left me most nights for her, making me think there was a problem with me."

"Jack ple-"

"-when the real problem was with you. You neglected your family, me and our kids, all because of what? Because you felt our marriage was falling apart! We could have gotten counseling and fix our problems that way instead of you fucking your secretary on your desk every night!" He yelled at me. Talking about this was making him angrier by the second.

"Jack please listen to me! Please just tell me what I can do to fix this! Tell me how I can win your trust back. Please there has to be a way! You have to give me a second chance!" I begged, on the verge of tears.

"There is no way to fix this, Alex." He sniffed and looked away from me. I got out of my chair and got on my knees in front of him. I was desperate enough to do anything to get him to take me back.

"I'll do anything, Jack. I'll go to counseling, whatever you want me to do name it and I'll do it. Just please-please take me back." Now tears were falling from my eyes.

"I-I have to go, Alex." He wiped his eyes and stood up.

"Jack please!" I pleaded one last time.

"I can't do this right now. I'm sorry, Alex, I have to go." He repeated and walked out.

I was shocked and too emotionally drained to run after him. This isn't at all how I thought this meeting would end.

Notes

I don't really like this chapter cause it's two chapters in one, but I think it's kind of important. Next one will be better!!