Don't You Go and Carry On With Your Life

Jack

I went through the whole week without once picking up my phone to call Alex. Now it was Saturday evening and I still found it hard to do it. I think I was dreading his reaction the most. His mom already told me that he's been depressed lately so this wasn't going to make him feel any better. I just didn't want him holding on to hope and thinking that there was still a chance for us. I think I wanted him to move on and find happiness like I’m trying to do.

"Daddy did you get potatoes from the store yesterday?" Kellin asked, waking me from my thoughts. Vic was coming over for dinner today and he was making sure everything was perfect.

"Yeah Kellin, I already cooked and mashed them up. It's on the stove and the salad is in the fridge. The salmon is in the oven now." I assured him. I was making salmon for dinner tonight since Kellin said that's was Vic's favorite.

"Okay, I'm gonna go straighten the living room." He said and I quietly chuckled. Kylie was asleep in my bed and I wasn't ready to wake her just yet. She was extremely cranky today so she needed a long nap.

"If I knew it was that easy to get you to clean I would have had him come every weekend." I joked and he rolled his eyes.

Once Kellin left my room I went back to thinking about what to do about this whole Alex situation. Maybe I was digging too much into it. I could just call him and wing the whole conversation. Or I could not call and forget all about this. Ugh I'm such an indecisive person.

I tapped my foot nervously as I looked down at Alex's contact info in my phone. After a few minutes, I impulsively pressed the button and put the phone to my ear. My hands began to excessively sweat as I heard the phone began ringing. Alex picked up the third ring.

"Hello?" He asked sounding confused.

"...Hi Alex." I said.

"Hey is everything alright?" He said and I cleared my throat.

"Yeah uh everything is fine. I was just um calling to check on you... your mom said you've been kind of depressed lately." I told him, completely forgetting that his mom asked me to not tell him she talked to me.

"My mom talked to you? Damnit I told her not to. I'm sorry if she bothered you Jack. I specifically asked her not to." He sighed.

"No it's okay. She wasn't bothering me." I lied and he chuckled.

"You're voice still gets higher when you lie to me." He said, making me chuckle.

"Okay she was kind of bothering me, but it wasn't your fault." I assured him.

"I still feel like I should apologize for her. But I've been um fine, just over worked a lot lately. Thanks for calling to check on me. It really means a lot, Jack."

"You're welcome." I decided I wasn't going to talk to him about moving on or anything like that. I couldn't bring myself to do it. "Well I should get going. Kellin invited Vic over for dinner so I have to check on the food."

"You're finally meeting him? Make sure you strike fear into him so he'll be afraid to do practically anything with Kellin."

"I'm not going to scare the poor boy." I said.

"Come on, you have to."

"I can't do it. I'm not outspoken like you."

". . . Well how about I come over?" He suggested.

"Umm I'm not too sure about that, Alex." I wasn't completely comfortable with the idea of spending dinner with him.

"It'll be fine. I can interrogate Vic and we can show Kellin that even though we're divorced we can be civil with each other. Plus he and Kylie can spend time with both of their parents together." He reasoned and I signed. It wasn't a horrible idea but I wasn't sure if that was the real reason he wanted to come over.

"Okay. You can come over I guess." I said uncertainly.

"Great! Thanks Jack, I promise this will be great!" He told me before hanging up.

I stared down at my phone once the call ended. "What the hell did I just do?" I mumbled to myself.

I got up once I remembered I needed to take the salmon out of the oven. I walked through the living room, where Kellin was vacuuming, and to the kitchen. I took the salmon out of the oven and I continued to think about how awkward this dinner was going to be with Alex here.

"Vic's on his way." Kellin said, once he finished vacuuming and looked at his phone.

"So is Alex." I coughed and he looked at me confused.

"What?" He asked.

"I um sort of invited him to come over for dinner too." I said and he stared at me.

"Why? H-how?"

"Remember how I told you Isobel came over at the beginning of the week and tried to get me to talk to him? Well I called to check on him and somehow that ended with him coming over for dinner tonight." I shrugged.

"But Daddy he's only going to threaten and intimidate Vic the whole time." He complained.

"I thought you would be happy to be able to enjoy dinner with both of your parents." I said.

"Yeah not when my boyfriend is coming over. He's terrified of Dad!" He said and I laughed. "I'm calling Vic and telling him not to come." He pouted.

"Kellin don't. I think Alex feels disconnected from you. He barely gets to see you except for a few weekends and you spend a lot of time with Vic. So maybe he's just being so tough on Vic because he doesn't like that he gets most of your attention. I think if it all goes well tonight, Alex will see how much of a great guy Vic is and ease off of him a bit." I explained.

"...fine but if Dad hurts him then I'm blaming you. And you two better not embarrass me in front of him." He told me again.

"We won't...on purpose." I whispered and he glared at me. He walked away to set the table and I went to get Kylie. I woke her up and ran my fingers through her hair so it wouldn't be all over her head.

"I hungree." She yawned.

"We're about to eat dinner. Come on." I picked her up and carried her to the kitchen. I heard the doorbell ring and Kellin ran past me to get it.

Kellin opened the door and Vic was standing there. He had a bouquet of red roses in his hand and he gave them to Kellin. I smiled at their cuteness and continued to watch them. Kellin hugged him and brought him over to meet me.

"Daddy this is Vic." He introduced us.

"Nice to meet you, Vic. I'm Kellin's dad, Jack." I said and we shook hands.

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Gaskarth." He said and Kellin chuckled.

"You can just call me Jack." I said so I wouldn't have to be called "Mr. Gaskarth" the entire night.

"And this is my little sister, Kylie." Kellin told him.

"Hi Kylie!" Vic smiled at her.

"Hi." She said while rubbing her eye. She was still trying to completely wake up.

"Um I guess we can sit down. We're still waiting for-" I was cut off by the doorbell.

I went to go open the door for Alex. He was dressed nicely and holding a bottle of wine. Seeing him made me feel nervous and not a good kind of nervous. This was probably a big mistake. I felt like I was sending mixed signals to him by allowing him to come over and have dinner with us. He did say it was just to show Kellin that we could be civil so maybe I was worried about nothing.

"Hey, I'm not late am I?" He asked as I let him in.

"N-no you're right on time. Everyone is in the kitchen." I said and lead us there. This was definitely really weird. I wasn't over what he did to me. He cheated on me and now I was going allowing him to have dinner with us like an idiot. I didn't want to be civil anymore, I kinda wanted to be an asshole and kick him out. I wasn't going to do that, out of fear of making Kellin and Kylie upset.

Vic looked at Alex timidly when he walked into the kitchen. I wanted to roll my eyes and tell him he had nothing to fear with Alex. Alex was all bark and no bite, he wasn't going to actually hurt the kid.

"Uh hi Mr. Gaskarth." Vic told Alex.

"It's nice to see you somewhere that's not my apartment and with a shirt on." Alex said and I frowned.

"What??" I asked, confused as to what he was talking about.

"Uhh nothing nothing! Mmm that food sure does smell delicious. Can we eat now?" Kellin rambled suspiciously. He and Vic were both red from embarrassment, but I decided to ask Kellin about it later.

"Yeah we can eat now." I said.

We all grabbed our plates and went to fill it with food. I made a plate of just mashed potatoes for Kylie since that was the only part of this meal she would actually eat. Alex opened the wine he brought and poured a glass for himself and me. I felt uncomfortable taking it from him and I had to stop myself from ignore his gesture of kindness. Feeling bad for him over the phone was easier when I actually couldn't see his face. Now that I could, it almost felt impossible to feel bad that he's been so sad lately. He deserved a little sadness for the way he treated me. No actually he deserved a lot of sadness for the way he treated me. No amount of pain he felt could come close comparing with the amount I felt. I took the wine anyways and mumbled a thank you to him.

Thankfully it didn't seem like anyone noticed that I was putting on a fake act for dinner. I just needed to get through this one thing and then he could leave my house. It was such a big mistake to think that I was ready to be civil with Alex.

Vic and Kellin were sitting next to each other and chatting away, while Alex sat across from me and next to Kylie. I wouldn't even look in his direction, even when he tried to make small conversation with me.

"How has your new job been going?" Alex asked.

"Okay." I answered quickly. I could tell he was taken back by the change in my attitude from nice to snappy.

"Oh. Are you used to wor-"

"-You're supposed to be questioning Vic, not me." I cut him off and the kitchen became silent.

"Um yeah y-you're right. So Vic um what are your plans after high school?" He asked Vic. I could see out of the corner of my eye Alex and Kellin stealing small glances at me. I ignored both of them and continued eating, hoping this night would end quickly.

**********

"Thank you again for having me over for dinner, Jack. It was really nice meeting you." Vic told me.

"You're welcome, Sweetheart. And it was nice meeting you too." I reciprocated.

"Come on, I'll walk you out." Kellin told him. Vic told Alex and Kylie bye before he walked out with Kellin.

I went back into the kitchen so I could began cleaning and get away from Alex, but he followed me.
"Can you please tell me what I did wrong?" Alex asked me and I sighed.

"What are you talking about?" I asked. I was hoping he would say "nothing" so we could avoid this whole conversation and he could just go home.

"One minute you're calling to check on me, and you allow me to come over for dinner. Then you snap at me and ignore me during dinner. What did I do wrong?"

"For once you didn't do anything. It was my own fault. I let you come over thinking I was ready to be civil with you for Kellin and Kylie's sake, but I'm not. Having you here tonight did nothing but remind me that I’m not over what you did to me and I won’t be for a long time." I said honestly, and he scoffed.

"So you wasted my time?"

"No I actually gave you more time to spend to spend with your kids. I didn't invite you over for us, I did it for them."

"And what about us?"

"What about us?" I shrugged.

"How are we supposed to show are kids that we can still work together and have a healthy relationship for them?" He asked.

"I honestly don't think we need to communicate outside of emergencies for the kids. I-I'm trying to move on Alex and I think you should do the same. And the only way for us to do that efficiently is if we limit contact with each other so we, or I, can heal." I said and he looked down. I thought he was going to turn around and leave but he didn't. Instead he took a deep breath and made eye contact with me again.

"No, I don't want to move on. I still love you Jack, and I'm planning on only loving you for the rest of my life. So you attempt to move on all you want but I'm not." He said and I sighed.

"Alex please just let me go." I begged and he shook his head.

"I swear I'm going to find a way to get you to love me again." He told me. He stared into my eyes a few seconds longer and then turned to leave.

Alex walked out of the door and a few seconds later Kellin walked in.

"What did you do to my dad?" Kellin asked.

"I basically told him that I thought I was ready to do things like this with him, but I'm not." I explained. "Then he told me that he wasn't moving on and that he would find a way to make me love him again. I think he's losing it."

"No he's just crazy in love with you still." He said.

"Well I don't want him to be. I want him to move on so I can feel better about being with Austin."

"You don't like being with Austin?" Kellin asked.

"No I do like Austin. I just feel guilty about being with someone while Alex isn't. I don't know it's weird to explain."

"So you're not over Dad?" He smiled and I sighed.

“It’s complicated.”

Notes

I'm sorry! I really hope this chapter isn't really confusing. I'm trying to capture how confused Jack is about his own emotions but it might come out just flip floppy. Also I'm sorry that this chapter is so late. I was watching/celebrating the Cowboys win lol!!