"I miss Isabelle," I mumbled into Stell's hair. "Sometimes I wonder if she's going to start thinking of Juli as not only her mom, but her only parent as well."


I felt Stella tense up in my arms. This was a very sensitive subject for her. She loved her mom to death, she loved her daughter to death, she just wanted to make sure they understood her position in both of their lives. I frowned slightly at the thought. What if Isabelle did forget about me as time went on? She could never forget Stell, I know that, but she might forget about me.


I tightened my grip on Stella as she laid in my arms. The bus was going over bumps in the road and the rest of the band was sound asleep. I sighed faintly and kissed Stella's forehead, trying not to let my thoughts get the best of me. We both knew life away from our daughter would be hard, but this was the life we chose.


"I wish we could see her," Stella finally broke the silence, her warm breath hitting my shoulder. "It doesn't make sense that we're doing a hometown show but don't have enough time to spend the night. Wouldn't it be nice to sleep in our bed, Jack, with Isabelle?"


"Indeed, it would. But who says we have to spend the night? We have until three in the morning before the bus takes off. The show ends at what, ten? Let's go see her tomorrow."


"You mean it?" Stella sat up, her eyes gleaming. We had planned to make time to see Isabelle, we just thought it'd only be for thirty minutes when Juli met us at the venue.


"Absolutely, baby."


Stella squealed and climbed on top of me, giving me the biggest kiss I think I'd ever gotten. I chuckled to myself and pulled her body closer to mine, letting the sound of her breathing lead me to sleep. Finally, I would get some time with my baby girl.


_______________


"Thank you so much for coming out!" Stella screamed into her mic, a big grin on her face. "Your support is what keeps us going!"


"We fucking love you guys!" I yelled after her, tossing extra guitar picks at some of the kids. I swear, I thought they were going to fight over them. "Until next time, fuckers!"


With that, we left the stage. Tom was already giving us a time frame to get everything packed up and asking us to meet some of the kids by the merch table, but Stella and I kept going. She was on her phone calling for a cab mid-run while Tom was yelling for us to come back and help everyone.


"Can't do it, bro," I turned around, still running backwards, fearing that I may fall. "There's a little girl with a big toothless grin that I've gotta get to!"


Tom threw his arms up in defeat while I spun back around, pushing random people out of my way to get to the doors. When I reached the pavement outside, Stella was motioning for me to hurry up and get in the cab. Honestly, you'd think we'd never met our daughter before by the way we were doing things, but when you're a parent and you're out there on the road, you're never complete. Your heart is miles away, learning new things everyday and you feel totally helpless. It was exhausting.


By the time we got to the Gaskarth's, Stella had already jumped out of the cab. She was running towards the door, banging on it. I smiled and handed money to the driver, thanking him for putting up with us. When I finally made it to the door, Stella had Isabelle in her arms. My heart was about to explode with joy.


Juli welcomed me with a hug and warned me that she was going to go try to get her kids down for bed. Nodding slightly, I threw myself on the couch next to Stella, who was cooing over our daughter. Fuck, she'd grown so much. She was way more alret now, drool was running down her chin from where she'd been teething and she was mumbling on and on in baby talk. How had I missed this? She'd have her first tooth in no time, and I wouldn't be here to help calm her down when she got fussy.


"I love you, baby," Stella wiped a tear from her eye. She handed our daughter over to me. I guess I'd been lost in my thoughts for a while. "I'm going to go help mom give Noelle a bath and put her down. It's the least I can do."


I nodded, once more, and watched her leave the room. In my arms, Isabelle was grinning and trying to yank on my messy hair.


"I know, baby," I chuckled. "Daddy is a mess. I bet he stinks, too, but you were more important than a shower."


She let out a squeak of laughter. I couldn't help but laugh with her. She was such a happy little girl. She was fucking perfect, just like Stella.


"I miss you so much it's unreal, Izzy," I sighed. "And I could kill your dad for getting that nickname stuck in my head."


Isabelle grinned, but let out a big yawn along with it. I knew she'd be out soon, so I checked to see if she needed a diaper before she went down. Oddly, she was dry. I relaxed on the couch with her leaning against my chest, her thin baby hair grazing my chin. I had to stop myself from crying, knowing that when Isabelle went to sleep, I'd have to leave again. I hated doing this to her, to Stella, to myself..


"Isabelle, no matter where I go in this life, I want you to know my heart is with you. Constantly. You will never know how much I love you. I know we're going to fight a lot when you get older and I know sometimes you're going to wonder where Mommy and Daddy have been, but soon enough you'll understand. You're my angel, Izzy, without you and Mommy I'd be a lost cause." I kissed her small head, feeling her breathing slow down. She was out. "Goodnight baby girl, Daddy will see you again soon."


I stood up and carried Izzy over to the pack & play, knowing that once Juli had the kids down for bed she'd probably come down her to chill out. Kissing her chunky cheek one last time, I placed her on the matt and slicked down her messy hair. Fighting the desire to cry, I led myself outside and sat on the steps of the porch. Staring off into the night, I lost myself in thought again, until I heard the door close and felt a pair of arms around my neck. Stella kissed my cheek and sat down beside me, her eyes holding sadness.


"I'm sorry she went to sleep without me."


"I'm just sorry she went to sleep."


Stella gave a gentle laugh and shook her head, locking our hands together.


"It won't always be this hard, you know that, don't you?"


"Won't it? I remember what it was like growing up with my dad being gone. Even now, with all of us on different tours. I feel like we missed so much of them. Like we never had a normal life."


"I don't know about you, but I wouldn't have been happy with a normal life," she squeezed my hand. "We're doing the best we can, Jack."


"I know," I mumbled, watching as another cab pulled up to the house. Time to say goodbye again. "I love you, Stell."


"Love you more." She grinned, standing up to pull me to the cab. "Now come on, this tour is almost over. We can do this."


"Yeah," I opened the door for her, letting her slide in to the other side before I got in. "With you by my side, there's nothing I can't do."


As the house disappeared from our view, I knew Stella was right. Everything would fall into place how it was meant to, but it was so hard to sit back and wait.

Notes

Awhh<3.