I Am Barely Breathing

Alex.

So Jack, Zack and Rian all went in for their music exam and since I didn’t take music, I’m at home crying about how my big brother isn’t here anymore and that his room is haunting me. I have a bruise on my cheek bone from my dad yesterday and a cut on my arm from when he pushed me down.
Right now I’m sitting cross legged on my bed, looking up things on my computer. I look at my arm and sigh, lifting the sleeve of my sweatshirt seeing the nasty scar from when my dad attacked me a few months back. I hate that it’s stuck on my body forever.
How can Jack handle having all those scars all over his body? How has no one noticed them? More importantly, how did he play twelve shows wearing a sweatshirt and no one noticed at all? He really should tell someone about those. He’s gotta get sick of wearing sweatshirts all the time. Especially when it’s pretty much summer. Rian and Zack and his parents have got to get at least a little concerned right?
What would I know? I pull up videos that people posted on Twitter of memories of my brother and grab my pillow, burying half my face in the pillow so I can see and cry. No one is home right now, but I don’t have it in me to scream. My throat hurts so bad from yesterday that I can’t do it. People have been tweeting me all day, telling me to stay strong and that I’ll be okay, but every single one I read makes me cry harder than the last. I’m alone until Jack gets out of his exam.
That’s not for another hour. I refuse to go into his room. My phone rings and I look at it, seeing its my mom. I answer it, sniffing a little.
“Hello?” I answer, not even bothering to mask my sadness.
“Hi, honey. Do you want me to bring you home some lunch?” she asks.
“No.” I answer, more tears falling and a small sob escaping my throat.
“You have to eat something, love.” She says.
“I’m not hungry.” I say, my voice breaking.
“I’ll be home soon, okay?” she asks.
“Okay.” I say. She tells me she loves me and hangs up. She went to file a divorce. Hopefully they won’t delay it because he’s been abusing me and her on occasion. You can’t just leave it. I think she’s kicking him out of the house. We lost one family member, we can’t afford any more pain right now.
I continue scrolling through twitter, my throat burning and my eyes stinging. I’ve run out of tears, but I’ve been crying so much that my eyes are red and swollen and I haven’t even bothered to wipe the tears. My mom is home, but has left me alone and Jack has been trying to call me. The doorbell rings and I hear a bunch of car doors slam outside. Curiosity doesn’t find me however, so I sit in my room, my door shut, my emotions overcoming me as I read more and more.
Tom was so great. Such a shame he was taken so young.
Prayers go out to Alex and his family. Stay strong kid.
You lost your big brother, but he’s still with you, watching over you every day.
I slam my laptop shut, the tears I thought had run out pouring out as I let a loud sob leave my throat. I bury my face in my pillow and just cry until my mom calls me. I don’t even bother to wipe my face. I leave my room after calming myself slightly. I go downstairs seeing my three best friends/band mates and their families sitting in my living room. They all have food and balloons and sad smiles on their faces. The first person who gets up to hug me is, of course, my not official boyfriend, Jack.
“Lex.” He says. I try to stay strong, but as soon as he approaches me, I break. I collapse into his arms and just cry in front of everyone. “Shh… it’s okay… I’m here.” He whispers, rubbing my back.
“We all want to help you pay for funeral costs. I know you have to pay his hospital bills, the least we can do is split up funeral costs.” Jack’s mom offers. That makes me cry even more.
“Boys can you take him into the basement?” My mom asks.
“Yes, ma’am.” Rian says. When I don’t move, Jack picks me up and carries me downstairs. They spend a little bit trying to calm me down. Eventually, I run out of tears and I just sit there whimpering, my head buried in Jack’s chest.
“Alex, we’re so sorry.” Zack says. I look up at Jack and he wipes my face with his sleeves. It takes everything in me not to kiss him. While I feel safe in his arms and love his arms around me, I could really use a kiss right now. I don’t even have to ask him because he just leans in and kisses me as if Zack and Rian weren’t around us. When he pulls away he doesn’t look at them and I can see the fear in his eyes. I wish I could tell him to calm down, but my throat is so raw, I can barely speak.
“Did you…” Rian trails off.
“Yes.” Jack says quietly.
“I knew it!” Zack shrieks. We both look at him and he laughs. “We knew it since tour. You two always cuddling each other and giggling and you two were always too close to each other’s faces to be just friends.” He explains.
“I wanted you two to be together so bad.” Rian laughs. I see relief flood through Jack as he rests his forehead against mine.
“Wait… are we,” cough, cough. “Official?”
“Holy shit your voice!” Jack shrieks. I blush and look down.
“He’s been crying a lot, cut him some slack.” Rian says.
“I know… I didn’t think it would sound so hoarse.” Jack says. “Are you going to be able to sing next week?” He asks.
“We can push it back.”
“No!” I shout, clutching my throat as it burns. “No.” I say quieter.
“We don’t even know how recording is going to be yet. He may do vocals last which will probably be a month later. We have to edit songs and maybe we’ll change up some parts depending.” Zack says. I nod. “Just rest your voice okay?” I nod again.
“How are you going to get through finals this year?” Jack asks. I shrug. How am I going to concentrate? Everything just reminds me of him. Seeing happy boys and girls laughing with their older brothers will be enough to tear me down. Seeing words that remind me of him will be enough to make me cry.
So fast forward to recording. I got through finals week and I just passed all of my exams by two or three points. My mom said I could retake them if I wanted to since it was a rough week. She said she wouldn’t have expected me to even pass them, but the fact that I did was enough for her. His funeral is tonight and I haven’t gone in his room since he passed. It’s been two weeks since then and every time I pass it I break down. So while Rian records his drums today we’re going to be setting everything up for the reception after. Jack is accompanying me to the funeral and Zack and his parents are meeting us up there. Rian will meet us when he’s done.
We feel bad that we can’t be there for the first day of recording, but the guys there are really nice and Rian understands. He’s not going to get very far with recording because they’ll have input on how to make the song better. Besides, we all decided we’ll go over everything he recorded today to make sure we’re all okay with it.
I’m waiting for Jack to arrive at my house since he had something to do today, so I’m sitting across the hall from my brother’s room in a white dress shirt and black dress pants and black converse while May and her mom help my mom bake and decorate for the reception. I just feel numb. I still can’t believe he’s not here anymore.
I hear footsteps come up the stairs and look over seeing May. We’re not too close, but she’s really sweet so I can’t really tell her to go away.
“Hey, bud.” She says.
“Hi.” I greet, looking back at the door. She sits next to me, following my gaze.
“Have you gone in there since he passed?” she asks. I shake my head. “Haven’t had it in you?” she asks. I shake my head again.
“I just… sit here and stare at it.” I tell her quietly. My voice is slowly coming back, but my mom thinks I may have damaged it a bit with all the screaming I was doing.
“I’m so sorry, bud.” She says quietly. “So… you and Jack?”
“What about us?” I ask, not looking at her.
“Are you two together?” she asks. I look at her and she gives me a small smile.
“Why?” I ask.
“Well, me, your mom and my mom were talking about how you guys would be cute together if you both liked boys. The fact that you completely broke when you saw him and how he knew how to calm you down kind of piqued suspicion that maybe you two were a thing.” She says. I sigh. “We support you, you know.” She tells me.
“I figured… but… Jack is scared you won’t.” I tell her quietly. “That’s why I haven’t told my mom… I thought if I told her, she’d tell your mom, your mom would tell your dad and it would spread. I couldn’t do it to him… I had to wait till he was ready.”
“I’ll talk to him about it.” She says. I nod.
“Just… don’t confirm it with our parents… I’ll tell my mom later and make her swear not to tell your mom.” I tell her. She nods. “Keep it between us for now.”
“You got it.” She says. I nod and smile a little. “I missed your smile.”
“Did you… know Tom?” I ask her. She nods.
“We met before you all left for tour. We’d text every night, sometimes he’d call me. I guess I kind of had feelings for him.” She says. “I didn’t think he had a drinking problem though.”
“Me either.” I say quietly. “He got it from my dad.”
“Your dad was a drinker?”
“Yeah… really bad.” I say quietly. “He was not a nice drunk.”
“Did he hurt you?” She asks. I nod and lift my sleeve showing her the scar. Everyone has seen it… it's not new. It's slowly fading, but it's there. “Oh my god.”
“Yeah… my mom filed for a divorce the other day and she kicked him out.” I tell her.
“That’s good.” She says. I nod.
“He blamed me for this.” I tell her, looking at Tom’s door. “Tom protected me from him… my dad deemed it my fault and beat me… it's hard to believe that it's not my fault.”
“Alex, this isn't your fault.” She says. I just sigh. “He was an alcoholic like your dad. There's no way you can pin it on yourself.” She says. I shrug. She'd be surprised.
“Alex, Jack is here.” My mom calls. May gets up and looks at me, holding out her hand.
“Come on, bud. You’re strong.” She says. I look at Tom’s door and then at her hand, sighing. I take her hand and she helps me up. “Let’s go see your boyfriend.” She giggles. I roll my eyes and she leads me downstairs.
I see Jack and he smiles at me. It takes all I have not to say “holy shit you look hot” and all I have not to run up to him and kiss him.
“I talked to Rian, he said recording is going well. They’ve fixed some things and he’s only done like two songs.” He tells me. I nod and smile.
“Okay.” I say. I look at my mom and his mom, setting up the decorations and bite my lip. “Do you need help?” I ask. They shake their heads.
“You guys can go outside and wait for the other two to arrive if you’d like.” Mrs. Barakat says. I nod and Jack and I go outside. Before we leave the house, I look at May giving her the come on gesture and she follows. We sit on the porch steps and she drapes her arm around Jack.
“Don’t be mad at Alex, but he told me you two were together.” She says. I look at him and he looks at me. “I asked him. He didn’t straight up tell me.”
“Are you mad?” he asks. May shakes her head.
“Of course not!” she says. “You two are so cute. You should tell mom.”
“No thanks.” He says quietly.
“Jacky.” I say.
“No.” Jack says. I sigh and nod. The one thing I’m proud of and he won’t share it. “Too many people know.” I look at May.
“Can I talk to him alone?” I ask. She nods and leaves. Jack just looks at me.
“Alex, people know too much about me.”
“Letting your walls down isn’t a bad thing Jack.” I tell him, holding his hand. “So what if you’re gay? It doesn’t matter.”
“To me it does.” He says. I sigh. I look straight ahead as my mom calls my name. “Ready to go?” I just get up and walk inside.
“Ready, love?” she asks, resting her hands on my arms and looking me in the eyes.
“Can I stay home?” I ask. She looks at me along with May and her mom.
“Why?” she asks.
“I don’t think I can handle this.” I tell her. She sighs.
“Can you at least try?” she asks. “He was your brother. You should be there.” I take a breath, glancing at Jack. I take a breath, looking down at my outfit.
I give in, walking past Jack and getting in the car. I sit in front and get on my phone, scrolling through twitter as I wait for everyone else to get in the car. Jack gets in our car and his mom and sister get in theirs. We head there in silence and when we get in and park, I just stare at the building where my brother’s lifeless body is lying. Jack and my mom get out of the car and look at me realizing, I’m still in the car.
“Go in, I’ll get him.” Jack says. My mom nods, telling him he has ten minutes. I didn’t even go to Tom’s wake. Why on Earth would I go to his funeral and get through it without sobbing so loud that everyone thought I was weird? Jack gets in the car and looks at me. “Love.”
“You don’t get to call me that.” I mutter, getting out of the car. He sighs as I slam the door and he comes around to the other side. He puts one of his hands against the car next to my head and I cross my arms. “I’m not important to you, I get it.” I mutter.
“Why do you say that?” he asks, cocking his head.
“Because May says it’s okay. Your parents are bound to be okay with it. My mom is okay with it. Rian and Zack are okay with it! I don’t see what the problem is Jack!” I shriek. He sighs and pulls up his sleeves.
“Do you not understand how insecure I am?” he asks. “Every morning I wake up and look in the mirror and some days I cry. I think I’m fat. I think I’m disgusting the way I am now. I love you, Alex and it scares me because I know there are people out there who will hate me for it and being gay is another thing that I’d hate about myself and I can’t handle it. And with you, I can’t deny that I’m gay. I’m scared, Alex… can’t you get that?” he asks. I sigh. “Please don’t be that person who breaks up with me because I’m not out completely.” He tells me.
I don’t say anything.
“You know I love you.” He says, resting his hands on my hips, but I don’t move my hands. “Please say something.” I hesitate a second to freak him out, but then I say something completely unexpected.
“You’re fucking hot.” I say, resting my hand on the back of his neck and kissing him. I’ve wanted to say that since he walked into my house. I press myself against him, wrapping my arms around his neck.
“I thought you were going to break it off.” He says. I shake my head. “Do you want to go in?”
“No.” I say quietly. “I just want to stand here.” I say, resting my forehead against his.
“But your brother…”
“Shh…” I hum. He sighs.
“If you need comfort, just tap my hand.” He says. I sigh. “Come on, love. At least for a minute.” I nod and kiss him one more time before we head inside, letting go of each other. We walk inside and my mom is greeting the last person. She sees us and smiles.
“Come on.” She says. I sigh and she leads us inside. Jack squeezes my hand and we find a seat. Within the first ten minutes, my throat begins to feel sore from holding back tears. I try to hold back the tears, try to be strong, but eventually, people start talking about him; his best friends, his old teachers, my family. When my mom goes up and gets ready to call me up, I’ve had enough.
I leave the church, not letting the tears go until I get outside. A sob escapes my mouth as I exit the church doors. I collapse onto the pavement, aware of all the people who probably think I’m weird. Three sets of footsteps come towards me before I can contain myself. I see Jack and just break again. Rian and Zack surround me as well, Jack pulling me into his lap.
“I told you I couldn’t do it.” I cry. He sighs and shakes his head.
“You tried and that’s all your mom asked.” Jack says. Rian’s phone rings and he sighs, patting my leg and walking away. “Glad he wasn’t inside.” he says trying to lighten the mood. I try to smile, but I’m overwhelmed by another sob.
“How could he have been so stupid?” I ask through tears, my voice cracking. Jack rubs my back, kissing my head, trying to figure out what to say to me. Before he can say anything, Rian comes back, a huge grin on his face.
“I know you’re crying and stuff and it’s a sad day, but this might make things better.” He says, kneeling down. I wipe my eyes, trying to calm down. “We have a gig in three days and there will be people there, important people, who might consider signing us.”
“That’s amazing!” Zack shrieks. I look at Rian and he smiles.
“We have a chance.” Rian says. I sigh and Jack wipes my face with his thumb. “They’re looking for true talent, something real. Do you think we could get your song up and running in three days?”
“I can’t perform that!” I shriek.
“Rian has a point though, Alex.” Jack says. “It’s real.”
“I can’t.” I say, tears beginning to well up in my eyes again. “It’s too soon… I can’t do it.”
“Can we still practice it? In case you change your mind?” Jack asks. I nod.
So after the funeral we hang out, writing the last parts of my song and playing it together for a bit before I’ve had enough and tell them to stop. I sit on the couch in Rian’s basement while he practices the drums for it. It’s a difficult song.
I just sit on the couch, leaning on Jack, just staring at the wall while he scrolls through Twitter and Zack lifts weights. We all decided to have a sleepover tonight, so we can practice tomorrow. No one’s noticed that I’ve been staring for about an hour while Rian plays his drums and everyone is preoccupied.
I can’t stop thinking about how he could’ve done that. How did he… why did he drink so much? Like… I know he has a drinking problem… I guess I wouldn’t really understand unless I had that problem. I’ve never had a drink so I guess I wouldn’t know how hard it was to stop. I guess he just lost control. I could sit here and think about this or I could ask my mom about it. I wonder if she even knew he was drinking. Did he die in his sleep? No… he died at the hospital… my mom never told me the whole story. Maybe she didn’t think I could handle it.
I deserve to know the whole story. He was my brother; my best friend. I have a right to know, don’t I? Sure, I do. Maybe she’ll get too emotional, though. She’ll never let me drink. Fear will take over her and she’d never let me even have a sip of alcohol when I turn twenty-one. I wouldn’t blame her. My dad was an abusive, angry drunk and… my brother is dead. I wouldn’t blame her for not letting me drink. I could be just fine when I drink, but I guess we’ll never know. Then again, I don’t think I’d ever touch even a shot because so many things will just go through my head; I’d be too scared to even try it, no matter how badly I want to.
I wonder how my mom is doing anyway… I haven’t really seen her since I barged out of the funeral in a fit of sobs.
I’m so caught up in my thoughts that I don’t even notice my friends calling my name, asking if I wanted to go out for dinner.
My brother’s dead… my dad’s a bitch. What’s next?

Notes

A new chapterrrrr wow
Title Credit: Therapy by All Time Low