I Am Barely Breathing

Alex.

So, it’s the last day of school and next week is finals week. The tour went well. We made about eighteen hundred dollars and with our jobs we all recently got we should be able to make enough money to pay for this album. We all applied at an ice cream parlor and for some fucked up reason, they hired all four of us and told us we’ll all be working the same shifts. Whoever said that was a good idea is in for a big surprise. While we all think it’s a bad idea, we need the money, so we all made a pact to behave ourselves when working.
Right now I’m in lunch having a great time with my friends, all of us talking about the stories we’ll have in the studio and telling our friends about our adventures of our tour a month ago for about the hundredth time. They aren’t sick of it though. They loved hearing that the crowd sang along to our covers and sang along when we told them what to sing for the songs we wrote. We started a page on Facebook and a channel on YouTube for people to follow us on and we gained quite a few fans in those two weeks. Twelve shows in fourteen days isn’t bad.
“Alex almost hit himself with his microphone though.” Jack says. I roll my eyes at him and he smiles at me. My phone then goes off and I see it’s my mom. Why is my mom calling me?
“Hey?” I say as more of a question. My friends all look at me and I shrug, giving them a confused look as my mom starts talking.
“Hey, sweetie… uhm, I know it’s you’re last day of school… and I know I should wait till you get home to tell you this…”
“Mom, you’re scaring me.” I tell her. All my friends go quiet and stare at me as my eyes lock onto the table. “What’s going on?”
“It’s… your brother.”
“Mom.” I demand.
“He’s dead.” She says. I feel as if my heart stopped. Everything around me slows down and I feel weak. I feel my jaw go slack and my eyes beginning to burn. I hear my mom sobbing on the other end, but I feel nothing. “Alexander?”
I try to keep my anxiety under control as my friends start asking questions, but I feel it getting worse. I hear my mom babbling on and then saying she’ll call the school to let me leave early. After she says that I hang up, but the phone remains by my ear. I don’t know what to do. I can’t cry. Everyone will stare at me. I don’t feel tears coming, but my eyes burn. And my breath is getting harder to control. I then dial Tom’s number. She can’t be telling the truth. He’s not dead.
It goes to voicemail after two minutes. I do it again and again and again until someone takes my phone from me and I have nothing.
“Alex!” Cass shouts, not loud enough to get everyone else’s attention. “What is going on?” she asks. I’m speechless. I can’t speak. I can feel my throat closing. I can’t function.
My brother. My best friend. My bodyguard. Gone. Just… dead. I just want to run. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to be alone.
Alone.
Without a word, I get up and bolt out of the cafeteria. I run out of the school and down the street, unsure of where I’m going until, I collapse in the middle of the woods. I drop to my knees, screaming at the top of my lungs, eventually curling into a ball, my throat raw and my head pounding. No tears have fallen yet. I then open my eyes, realizing where I am.
This is where I met Jack for the first time. This is where Jack would’ve died if I had turned around and done nothing. We wouldn’t be recording an album in a few weeks. We wouldn’t have toured the east coast. We wouldn’t be a dating. I wouldn’t have the close friends I have now.
After what feels like forever, I sulk home realizing my friends have my phone and when I get home my mom pulls me into a hug. We stand there for five minutes, saying nothing, her just holding me while I feel absolutely nothing.
“I’m so sorry.” She says.
“How?” I ask her quietly.
“Alcohol poisoning.” She says, tears coming back. I take a breath and pull away from her. I look at her and she kisses my head. I walk past her and go up to my room. I slam my door, sitting at my desk and pulling out my song book. At first I feel nothing, but sadness, writing down the words that come to my head.
Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye
It could be for the last time and it's not right.
"Don't let yourself get in over your head," he said.
Alone and far from home I'll find you...
And also thinking of a chorus line that goes like this:
Sing me to sleep,
I’ll see you in my dreams,
Waiting to say,
“I miss you, I’m so sorry”
And then suddenly, I’m overcome with anger. How could he be so careless? He had to have known that would’ve happened. He had to! How could he just drink so much that he ended his own life? Did dad do something?! I swear if he did I’ll kick his ass and if Tom survived, I would’ve kicked his to! How could he be so damn careless?! When did he ever have a drinking problem?! Or did he accidentally drink too much? No, you can’t accidentally drink so much that you die. He fucking died. You don’t accidentally drink too much. How could he have been so stupid?!
I slam my hands on my desk and pull on my hair, a scream ripping from my throat before I press my face to my desk and slam my fists on my desk again. I then grab my pen and press it to the paper adding more to the first verse and writing the second verse along with added things to the end of the song.
Verse one goes like this after the intro:
Dead, like a candle you burned out;
Spill the wax over the spaces left in place of angry words.
Scream, to be heard, like you needed any more attention;
Throw the bottle, break the door, and disappear.
Verse Two has a little bit sadness in it, but of course it would. I’m a mess right now. It’s kind of all over the place.
Forever's never seemed so long as when you're not around
It's like a piece of me is missing.
I could have learned so much from you but what's left now?
Don't you realize you shot this family a world of pain?
Can't you see there could have been a happy ending we let go?
The last part is “sing me to sleep” sang repeatedly until it gets faster in tempo and it’s the chorus sang with “you’ve taken so much with you” and “you’ve left the worse with me” until the end of the chorus where it says “I’m sorry” two extra times. I then just break.
I walk over to my bed after three hours of writing my feelings down and screaming. My eyes are red and my cheeks are tear stained. Someone knocks at my door, but I don’t speak. My door opens and there’s a sliver of hope that maybe Tom will appear and this will have all been a dream, but of course, it’s not. Rian, Zack, Jack and Cass are all standing there with worry in their eyes.
“We’re… so sorry.” Rian says quietly. They don’t hear me say leave, so they come in, shutting the door behind them. Rian walks over to me and sits on the bed next to me and Zack sits at the end of the bed, looking at me with concern as I sit up. Cass just stands by the door unsure of what to do. Jack however noticed how messy my desk looks and sees my song book open.
“Did you write?” Jack asks, looking at me. I nod. “Can I read it out loud?” I shrug and Jack takes it as a yes. He sits in my chair and picks up the book. Everyone looks at me and I bring my knees to my chest, burying my face in my knees as he reads. Everyone listens to him intently. I just listen to the calmness of his voice, trying to calm myself down as well.
When he finishes, I feel everyone looking at me. For once I feel shy about sharing my work. This song makes me feel vulnerable. I’m not used to feeling vulnerable around everyone that isn’t Jack.
“Holy shit.” Cass says. I look at her and she bites her lip. “Sorry… it’s… really good.”
“We should put this on the album.” Rian says. I shake my head.
“Why not?” Jack asks. I look at him. “It has true emotion and it’s about something real. People like songs they can relate to, Alex.”
“I don’t even know how it’s going to sound… I just… needed to let it out.”
“Then we’ll make it a song.” Zack says. I look at him and he smiles at me. “Think of how you want it to sound.”
“Then we’ll put the instruments around it.” Rian says. I take a breath and nod.
“Let me see it.” I say. Jack hands me it and squeezes in next to me and the edge of the bed. I lean on him and look at the lyrics. I sing rhythms and notes until I find something I like, forgetting everyone around me. When I figure out the whole song, I sing it aloud. Everyone smiles at me and I sigh.
“Does it feel good to sing about it?” Cass asks.
“I mean… I guess.” I tell her. She smiles. “It’s definitely distracting.”
“Let’s finish writing this song. It will take your mind off this.” Rian says.
“Actually… can I just stay here? I don’t have the energy in me today.” I say quietly. They nod.
“See you tomorrow?” Rian asks. I nod and he pats my back. Rian, Zack and Cass all for the door and Jack is about to get up, but I grab his shirt.
“Stay?” I ask. He nods and sits down.
“I’ll come over later, Ri.” Jack says.
“Sounds good.” He says. They leave and I move over for Jack. He drapes an arm around me and I cuddle into his side.
“How are you?” I ask, wanting to keep the attention off me.
“This isn’t about me right now.” He says. It was worth a shot. “First, your voice is practically gone.” He says. I sigh. “What did you do after you bolted?”
“I ran.” I say quietly. “Then screamed for hours. Came home. Screamed more, wrote the song for hours, cried… then laid here numbly until you guys came over.” I say quietly. Jack kisses my head and takes my hand.
“I love you.” He says. “You’re strong. If I were you right now, I’d be six feet under with him. Not to give you any ideas. I know you’re stronger than me anyway.”
“I wasn’t going to join him.” I tell him. “My mom needs me.”
“And I need you.” He says. I look at him and kiss him. “Do you want to do anything besides sit here all day?” He asks. I shake my head. “I’m so sorry, Alex. I really am.”
I don’t say anything. I just sit there with my eyes closed. We sit there in silence for a little bit and then my mom knocks on the door, but I don’t move.
“Come in.” Jack says. She walks in and sees us, seeming only a little confused as to how we’re sitting, but doesn’t question it. She knows better.
“Lex, do you want to go out or something? Whatever you want to do.” My mom says. I shake my head, cuddling closer to Jack.
“I’ve been trying for a little bit now. He doesn’t want to move.” Jack says. She sighs. “I’ll let you know if anything changes.”
“Thank you.” She says, leaving. Jack looks down at me and I look up, making eye contact with him. He gives me a sad smile and rubs my hand with his thumb.
“This sucks.” I mutter. He giggles a little. “What?” I ask.
“You’re too cute.” I roll my eyes. “I’m sorry, bad time, but it’s true.” He says quietly. I look at my song book, a tear rolling down my cheek. I pick it up and look at the song at wrote.
I sing the entirety of the song to myself, knowing Jack is listening and then pull out my phone to record it so I don’t forget it. I then crawl off my bed and grab my guitar, strumming various chords along with my melody, listening to what sounds good with it. Jack doesn’t say anything those few hours.
I just write and write guitar parts, singing to make sure they sound good together. It’s distracting and I’d rather be writing the parts with Jack here not, saying anything than with Zack and Rian putting in input. This is my song for my brother and it needs to be written by me. Rian can help with drums and Zack can help with bass line, but if I can write it, I don’t need input.
I play a chord over and over, singing it with the part I have, but it doesn’t sound right to me. I sigh and Jack crawls behind me on the bed.
“Can I see?” He asks. I look at him. “If you don’t want me to help, I won’t, but I think I know something that will work with it.” I look at my guitar and then at him and nod handing my guitar to him. “Sing the part.” I sing it and he plays it with the chords I wrote down the work and I smile.
“That’s perfect.” I say. He smiles. I record it while I sing so I can get it down and not forget it and then put my guitar down.
“You’re so cute.” He says. I smile. “Especially when you’re concentrating.” He says hugging me from behind and smiling at me.
“Does it sound good so far?” I ask him. He nods.
“I love it.” He says. “We have an exam tomorrow, we should probably go to sleep.” He says realizing it’s almost eleven thirty.
“You have an exam tomorrow, I don’t.” I say. He narrows his eyes at me and I smile. “Go home and sleep.” I tell him. He nods and kisses me.
“If you need me tonight, please call me.” He says. I nod and hug him. He leaves and I suddenly feel overwhelmed with sadness.
I get off my bed, tears threatening to spill over. I leave my room and stare right at Tom’s room. The door is shut, the sign that’s always been on the door that says “Do Not Disturb” still hanging there. Now the sign just gives me false hope that he’s in there, but he’s not.He’s gone. Due to the drinking problem I didn’t know he had.
I go downstairs and see my mom sitting at the counter making phone calls I’m assuming for his hospital bills. They brought him in for testing I guess and he died in the hospital. I’m not sure how it all went down. I haven’t really discussed it with my mom and I don’t really want to. She sits there, her hand over her face, tears staining her cheeks.
“I just need to know what you guys did to my son before you lost him! Tell me what I need to pay and let it be over!” She shouts over the phone, making me jump. My dad comes through the front door, staggering back and forth, probably extremely drunk. He makes eye contact with me and I gulp. “Peter! I swear to god!” she shouts see him giving me an evil look.
He points at me, walking towards me, ignoring my mom.
“This is your fault.” He says. “You’re the reason he’s dead!”
“My fault?!” I ask. “You’re the one with the fucking drinking problem! This is your fault! Your alcoholic ass is the reason why he drank too much! You know it runs in the family, right?” I ask.
“Boys!” My mom shouts. My dad charges at me and before I can move, he grabs me and throws me to the ground. I hear her hands slam on the counter after my dad punches me in the face and we both look at her. She has her phone in the air, her face tear stained and the phone reads 911. “I will hit call and your ass will be in jail! If you touch my son like that again, your ass will be living in the street.” She says. My dad gets up immediately and my mom helps me up, pulling me into a hug.
“It’s his fault.” My dad says.
“I’m filing for a divorce.” She whispers to me. I look at her and she kisses my head. “Go to bed, love.” She says. I nod and head upstairs.
I end up crying myself to sleep, not even bothering to call Jack.

Notes

A new chapter! I'm sorry it took so long, school just started and I've been writing songs for my band, but here you go
Title: Lullabies by All Time Low
-Jenna