I Am Barely Breathing

Alex

My mom has apologized about my dad about a million times since the incident a few days ago. She feels awful that I now have a scar on my arm that says “worthless”. She’s terrified that people at school might associate me with self-harm if I ever went to school without sleeves and the gauze. My brother has been paying extra attention to me when my dad’s around and makes sure he doesn’t hurt me like that again.
I don’t know how I’ve managed to stay sane after that. Normally if the people who are important in your life turn on you and abuse you, you go crazy. I haven’t considered self-harm or suicide, which is always good, I just… wonder what’s so terrible in Jack’s life that lead him to suicide. I’ve never met his family, but… besides the bullies… I don’t know what could be wrong. Maybe he has diagnosed depression and he can’t help, but be so terribly sad? I mean… bullying is terrible, but if he had a healthy and stable mindset, he’d be just fine even if he was bullied. He’d be able to shake things off, but he can’t.
The next day at school, I see Jack. Maybe he’ll answer me about the kiss yesterday. I grab stuff out of my locker and look over seeing Jack approaching me. Wow, I didn’t have to approach him to talk to him today. I smile at him and he looks down. Is he nervous?
“Hey.” He greets quietly.
“Hi.” I say. He’s silent after that. Is he really nervous? Maybe he doesn’t know what to say, but he’s trying to friend me for the band’s sake. “How are you?”
“I’m good.” He says. I bite my lip. “How are you?”
“Good.” I say. When I see he still hasn’t looked up at me, I lift his chin. “You seem so nervous.” I tell him. He takes a breath and holds his sleeves.
“I did kiss you yesterday.” He says. I look at him.
“Yeah… you did.” I say quietly. We look at each other and I can’t help the butterflies that erupt in my stomach.
His eyes are so pretty and his nose just makes him so cute and his black shirt and jeans make him look so damn good. How could you not be attracted to him? He’s just…so sweet. I mean sure, he’s done nothing, but be rude towards me, but he did have his heart set on dying that morning. Well… at least from what I could tell.
“Can we… start over?” he asks. I nod.
“Want to hang out?” I ask him. He nods.
“My house?” He asks. I nod and smile at him, causing him to smile and look down, probably trying to conceal an obvious blush.
So the entire day, I just wait for the end so I can see Jack again. I don’t know why I feel like this towards him. I’ve never felt this way for a guy. Only for a girl. Maybe I’m bisexual? I don’t know. All I know is I want to see Jack.
After school, I find Jack and we go to his house. He’s quiet for some of the walk, but then he brings up my arm.
“What happened to your arm?” He asks. I look down at the gauze and remember I almost died that day. I can’t tell anyone my dad abuses me. People make fun of people for that shit. But I can trust Jack… can’t I? I mean he doesn’t tell anyone he tried to kill himself. Why would he tell people that my dad abuses me? “If you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to.” He says after I don’t answer for a minute.
“No, no.” I say. “Uhm… you can’t tell anyone.”
“You know more than most people know about me.” He says. I bite my lip.
“Right.” I say quietly. “My… dad… did it.” I say, not looking him. He grabs my good arm, stopping. I just look down.
“Your dad?” he asks quietly. I nod. “And I thought my life was shitty.” He says. I groan and turn around, continuing to walk. “No! Alex! That’s… that’s not what I meant.”
I just keep walking.
“Alex, I’m sorry.” He apologizes. He then grabs my arm and turns me around, kissing me. I tense up at first, but then melt into his arms, closing my eyes and kissing him back. Yeah, I fucking like him. We pull away, but his arms remain around me and he gives me an apologetic look. “I… I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” I say quietly. “I like you too.”
“Y-you do?” he asks. I nod. “Why?”
“Don’t even get me started. I’ll go on forever.” I tell him. He smiles, a hopeful smile and I kiss him again. “Are we going back to your house?” I ask him.
“Oh, uhm… yeah.” He says. We begin walking again and it’s kind of awkward, but I try to calm him down, holding his hand. He glances at me, but I stare straight ahead like nothing was happening. Will my mom and brother accept me? My dad won’t… but… will my mom.
“Hey… Jack?” I ask him as we approach what I’m guessing is his house. He glances at me. “Will you ever… explain to me why you wanted to die that night?” I ask.
“Eventually.” He says. I sigh and he leads me into his house, letting go of my hand. He walks into his house, me following behind and I’m greeted by a girl and a boy who look a little older than him and someone who must be his mom. “Hi.” He greets.
“Who’s this?” the younger girl asks.
“This is Alex. Alex, this is my sister May, my brother Joe and my mom.” Jack says. “Alex is the new kid and he’s in our band.”
“Nice to meet you!” his mom says. I smile.
“We’re going to go upstairs.” He says.
“Is he staying for dinner?” His mom asks. I shrug.
“We’ll see.” He says, dragging me upstairs. He pulls me into his room and shuts the door, walking over to his bed and sitting down. I look around and then hear a patting noise on the bed. I look over and see Jack and his big brown eyes staring at me. “Come sit.” So I do.
I sit next to him and he wraps his arms around my torso, resting his head on my shoulder. I let him, wrapping my good arm around his shoulders.
“What did your dad do to your arm?” He asks. I look at it and take a breath.
“Carved into it… with a shard of glass from a shattered beer bottle.” I tell him. He looks at me horrified and I shrug.
“Has this happened before?”
“No, but I knew had a tendency to be abusive when he got drunk.” I tell him.
“Can I see it?” he asks.
“Are you sure?” I ask. He nods. I move my arm and he keeps his arms around my torso. I unwrap my arm slowly and when it’s revealed, he gasps.
“’Worthless’?” He asks, looking at me. I nod, wrapping it back up. “That’s not true… you know that right?” He asks. I nod. “Good.”
“Will you tell me why you wanted to… do what you were going to do a few days ago?” I ask, in case anyone were around to hear.
“The bullies are too much for me, always beating me up and calling me names. My thoughts keep me up all night, telling me I’m stupid and deserve to die. I feel like my parents think May and Joe are the only ones who will be successful in life because I want to be in a band. They think a band is a waste of time and that I should go to college instead.” He tells me. I shake my head.
“No… no, no, no.” I say. “You’re so perfect, Jack. In every way. I saw you when you were most vulnerable before anyone else. I see you when you’re at your strongest, hiding everything so no one can see, going on about your days like nothing was wrong. That’s strong to me. And being in a band is the most successful you can be. Who wants a normal job anyway?” I ask him. He smiles at me. I rest my hand under his chin and rest my forehead against his. “You’re perfect Jack Barakat.”

Notes

A New chapter:D
Comment what you think so far!:)
title credit: Mannequinn by The Summer Set
-Jenna