I Am Barely Breathing

Jack.

The next day at school, I see Alex down the hall sporting white gauze on his arm, talking to Rian. He doesn’t cut, does he? No. If he did he’d understand why I wanted to die the other day. Maybe something happened and he didn’t know what to do?
I open my locker and shove stuff into it, then pulling out the books I need. When I shut my locker, my friend Tyler is standing there.
“Hey, dude.” Tyler greets.
“Shit. You scared me.” I say. “What’s up?”
“Me and Josh have band practice later, interested in watching?” He asks. I smile and nod. “Awesome, we need an audience.” He says.
“Have you guy written your own songs?” I ask him.
“Yes, we have.” He says.
“Can’t wait.” I say, patting his back. “See you later.” I say. I walk over to Rian and Alex, shockingly enough. I’m actually worried about Alex. This is why I wanted to stay away from him. I’d develop feelings for him and I can’t have that, but it’s happening anyway, so I might as well let it happen. I can always cry about how much I hate myself anyway.
“Hey, Jack.” Rian greets. Alex looks at me and I hold my sleeves.
“What happened?” I ask Alex. He just looks at me and Rian shakes his head. “What?” I ask. Did I say something wrong?
“He doesn’t want to talk about it.” Rian says. I sigh and turn around to walk away, but Rian grabs my arm and I bite my lip, holding back a shriek as my eyes water. I turn around and look at him, taking my arm back. “How was the shooting range yesterday?” He asks. Why did he turn me around to ask me that? Did Alex tell him I was going to kill myself? That little prick.
“It was fun.” I say. “Why didn’t you ask me yesterday?”
“I forgot.” He says. I just look at him.
“Okay, well, I’m going.” I say. I walk away, but I can tell someone is following me. I look over and see Alex. “What?”
“I’m sorry.” He says.
“You should’ve said that a while ago, it’s too late for that now.” I mutter.
“I’m apologizing, can’t you just accept it?” He asks. I stop and look at him. His dark chocolate brown eyes and his caramel colored hair hanging just above his eyes. Those are both things I find to be very attractive on him.
“I could, but that would mean I have to talk to you.” I say.
“And why is that a problem?” he asks, genuinely confused. I decide to make the courageous move and figure this out for myself. I look around to see if anyone is looking or around and quickly kiss him. I then bolt towards homeroom.
Why the fuck did I do that? Now it confirms what I hate about myself. I’m fucking gay. I liked the kiss. I like boys. I like Alex. I really fucking like Alex. The kid who screwed up my suicide attempt. What are my friends going to think? What are my parents and my siblings going to think? I totally screwed up.
I get to homeroom and sit down, my hands shaking. I really screwed myself over. Now Alex is going to want to talk more and I can’t.
“Hey.” I hear someone say. I look up and see Zack. “You okay?” he asks.
“I’m fine.” I mutter. I just did something stupid. “I’m just tired. I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.” I tell him. He sits next to me and pats my back.
“Why not?”
“Studying for my chem test.” I mutter trying to make it seem believable. It worked. I was actually up cutting my arms open and crying, but he doesn’t need to know that.
“Did your parents make you?” he asks.
“They made me study, I chose to stay up too late.”I mutter. Alex walks in and I avoid eye contact. I’m so stupid. Why did I do that?
I hold my sleeves and then Rian and Cassadee walk in and Rian of course calls Alex over who hesitates before accepting.
“You guys need to talk.” Rian says. “I don’t know what Jack has against you, but Alex is going to be in the band so, you’re going to have to deal with it.”
We make eye contact for a minute before I look down again, getting extremely self-conscious. This kid knows too much about me. He’s broke down some of my walls unintentionally and I can’t keep him out. I slowly keep letting him in and I can’t. I have to keep him out. I can’t. And I can’t tell Rian or Zack about this. I can’t tell anyone. Not my family either. No one can know.
“Jack, have you been okay?” Zack asks. I just don’t respond. After class, Cass pulls me aside in the hallway and I can feel Alex staring at me as Rian talks to him.
“Jack, what’s going on?” She asks. I shake my head. “You can tell me, I won’t tell anyone.”I shake my head and as if on cue, Ronnie comes by and knocks my books out of my hands. Kids laugh and Ronnie turns and looks at me.
“Sorry, I didn’t see you there.” He says as kids laugh.
“Why are you such a prick?” Rian asks.
“Rian… leave it.” I say quietly.
“What did you say fag?” Ronnie asks, stepping towards me. I back up, my sleeves in a tight grip in my fists. “What are you hiding?” he asks, getting close to me. Way to be fucking obvious, Jack. You’re so stupid. I back up, trying to stay calm.
“Nothing.” I say, fighting back the tears I feel. I can’t run because people will just laugh even more. I’m trapped. I just need a teacher or someone to just… help me. My friends can’t find out. No one can. “Leave me alone.”
“Why?” He asks.
“He said leave him alone.” Zack says, grabbing Ronnie’s arm and turning him around. I take this as an opportunity to take off. I run straight to the bathroom, leaving my books behind. Once I’m in the bathroom, I curl into a ball in the corner, feeling tears stinging my eyes.
Someone walks in, but I don’t pay attention to who. I just close my eyes, expecting to get beaten. When a hand rests on my back, I slowly open my eyes and see Rian. He helps me sit up and pulls me into his chest and hugs me.
“I’m so sorry… I really am.” He says. I don’t cry though, my throat on fire from holding back the tears. “You don’t deserve this, Jack. You’re so strong.” Don’t say it.
“Why do people feel like they need to treat me like this?” I ask, my voice cracking a bit.
“I don’t know, but you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. Don’t think for a second that you’re worthless, Jack, because you are so far from it.” He tells me. I don’t say anything. “Zack took care of Ronnie, but now they’re both in the office.”
“No. Zack can’t get punished for this.” I tell him, separating myself from him.
“He chose to.” Rian says. I shake my head.
“This is my fault.” I say.
“Jack, calm down.” He says. “I don’t think he’s getting in trouble.” I take a breath and Rian rubs my back, trying to calm me down.
“Can we go and explain to them Zack was protecting me?” I ask him. He nods.
“You’re so sweet.” He says. I look at him and cock my head. “You won’t let Zack take the fall for what Ronnie did. It’s sweet.”
“Well… he is my friend.” I say quietly. He nods and helps me.
“Come on, Cass has your books.” Rian says. I nod and we leave the bathroom. Cass and Alex were talking across the hall and both look at us when we emerge from the bathroom.
“Are you okay, dude?” Cass asks. I nod as she hands me my books. I make eye contact with Alex who then checks to make sure I’m fine.
“I’ll walk him to the office, you guys go to class.” Alex says. I’m too beaten down to object so Rian and Cass go and Alex and I are left alone. “What was that kiss earlier?” he asks.
I don’t respond. Does he really think this is the right time to bring it up? He sighs and we get to the office and I see Zack and Ronnie. I hesitate to walk in when Ronnie spots me, but I do when the principal walks in and looks at me and Alex.
“Can I help you boys?” he asks.
“Uhm… I just wanted to tell you that whatever you and Ronnie talk about, Zack was protecting me from Ronnie. Ronnie came after me and Zack was defending me. So if you… consider… punishing Zack, he’s only in this situation because of me.” I tell him shyly.
“Thank you for telling me, Jack.” He says. He, of course, believes me, because I’m always invisible and never do anything wrong anyway, so why would I be lying?
After school, I look for Zack and when I find him, he just hugs me.
“Thanks for coming back man.” He says. I nod. “He didn’t punish me at all, but Ronnie got suspended for a week.”
“Thanks for… sticking up for me.” I tell him.
“Of course, bud. You’re my best friend.” He says. I smile and look down.
So after I go to Tyler and Josh’s, I walk home and Cassadee calls me. I sigh and answer it.
“Jack? Where are you?” she asks.
“Walking home. Why?” I ask her.
“Can you talk?” she asks. I sigh. “Please? Just come by my house.”
“I… really don’t need to talk about anything.” I tell her.
“Jack.” She says sternly. “It’s just me here. My parents aren’t home. Rian isn’t here. Just… please?” She asks. I sigh and nod.
“Fine.” I mutter. I hang up and head to Cassadee’s house. I get there and she’s on the porch waiting for me. “Hi.” I mutter.
“What’s going on, bud?” she asks, draping an arm around my shoulders. I shake my head. I can’t let her in. “Jack, please?” she asks. I shake my head.
We sit on her porch steps and she just looks down, her arm still around my shoulders. When it gets too quiet for my comfort, I finally speak.
“If you… promise… not to tell anybody… not even my parents or siblings, I will tell you.” I tell her. She looks at me confused, but nods. “What do you want to know?” I ask quietly, looking straight ahead. She thinks a second. She must have a lot in her head.
“Why do you not like Alex?” she asks. I take a breath… this is a lot to tell her at once.
“I… was going to… kill myself the other day… Alex appeared and ruined it… and… he’s been figuring more and more out about me than I want anyone to know. That’s why I don’t want to be friends with him.” I tell him. “He knows too much.”
“Okay… okay… back up.” She says. I sigh. “You were going to kill yourself? Jacky, why?” she asks me, resting her head on my shoulder.
“The bullies are too much for me. My thoughts keep me up at night. I feel like my parents think May and Joe are the only ones who will be successful in life because I want to be in a band.” I tell her. “I couldn’t take it anymore.”
“Jacky… you’re going to be better than May and Joe.” She tells me. “You’re the funniest, cutest, nicest, and most adorable human I’ve ever met. Your smile is contagious and don’t get me started on your laugh.” She says. I can’t help, but smile and she smiles back at me.
“You’d think you were talking about Rian.” I tell her. She rolls her eyes and I smirk.
“Okay… what do you think Alex knows?” she asks me.
“Well… he made me realize something that makes me hate myself more because everyone will hate me even more for it and everyone who likes me will probably leave me because of it.” I mutter.
“And what’s that?” she asks. I take a breath.
“You can’t tell anyone. Alex is already suspicious of it.” I say quietly. She nods. “I think I’m gay.” She gives me a look.
“That’s it?” she asks. I nod. “Jack! Are you kidding? Why would I hate you for that? You’ll always be my best friend no matter what! Don’t ever think something like that will make me hate you!”
“Ronnie already calls me a fag… I just thought everyone would hate me.” I say quietly.
“Never!” she says. “Why do you think that Alex knows?”
“I… kind of… kissed him today.” I say quietly.
“Awe! Jacky, has a crush!” she says. I shake my head. “There’s only one reason why he’s able to get in Jack. You trust him deep down. That’s why.”
“I don’t want to let him in… if I do… he’ll hurt me.”
“You have to at least talk to him. He is in your band now.” She says. I sigh. “Who knows, maybe he likes you back.”
“I hope not.” I mumble.
“Jack, you can’t just avoid love because you’re scared. Everyone’s scared of commitment.” She tells me. “Rian had a problem for a while, but we’re okay now.”
“I just don’t want to let him in.” I say quietly.
“Take a chance, maybe it will be good for you.” She says. I sigh and nod. “Tomorrow, your goal is to talk to him, okay?”
“Yeah.” I sigh. She nods and smiles. “I should get home.” I say quietly.
“Okay, see you tomorrow.” She says as I stand up. “Jack.” She calls as I walk away. I look at her. “Stay strong, okay? I believe in you.”

Notes

Jack finally opened up to someone:D
I saw Blink-182 last night and they were amazing:D
title credit: Give Me One Good Reason by Blink-182
-Jenna