Fight it,
Take the pain, ignite it,
Tie a noose around your mind
Loose enough to breathe fine and tie it
To a tree. Tell it, "You belong to me.
This ain't a noose, this is a leash.
And I have news for you: you must obey me."

I’m going to be frank: writing a song is a complex and terrifying process, at least to me. It’s never come easy. It’s a struggle, a delicate process to find just the right words to match a memorable melody.

I should be upfront and say I’m no expert in the art of songwriting--far from it. There was a reason why I happily let Jo stay our only songwriter for the band and never volunteered my own material, you know, other than the fact that she was freaking amazing at coming up with killer hooks and lyrics that fit the overall persona of Midnight perfectly. And yeah, sure, some of those lines occasionally egged on the critics of our band that claimed we were literally making the devil’s music, like in the song Going Down, where I sing about the sins I’ve quote ‘committed’, including murder because...well...I don’t know exactly why that was put into the song.

I asked her about the subject matter of said song once and Jo shrugged and said she was watching a Criminal Minds episode when she got the idea.

Go figure.

Topic of the songs aside, Jo still had an obvious knack for putting music and lyrics together that I...well...don’t. She makes it look so easy, too. When we tour, she usually spends her free time fiddling around with a new tune or two. At the end of Warped, for instance, there was at least forty half-written songs in her back pocket. Now, I don’t know how many of those songs actually had potential in her eyes and would actually be used, but that’s not the point. The point is, Jo is a natural born songwriter. I’m not.

When I first started learning piano, I had this idea in my head that once I learned the basics and got to know my instrument, I would be like, I don’t know, the female version of Paul McCartney or something. I thought that the melodies would come to me in dreams and I’d write a hit song in no time.

A few years went by, and my dedication to learn the piano never faltered, fueled by this desire to create my own songs. But when I did actually sit down and try to come up with a melody all my own...

...it was a big, jumbled up mess.

So I tried again. And again.

Nothing worked.

If the notes weren’t right, the words were.

Granted, I was only thirteen at the time, and the extent of vocabulary was pretty much limited to eighth grade English. That being said, I was discouraged after that. I thought that maybe songwriting wasn’t for me, after all, which looking back seemed absolutely ridiculous that I’d given up so soon.

After that, I put my own creativity aside for a while, and instead focused on my studies. When I didplay piano, it was either for school or for holiday gatherings so I could play the entirety of songs like ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas’.

So when I was gifted the home studio, the idea of trying to write my own song after not having played an original tune in eight years seemed frightening to say the least. Initially, anyway.

At first, it started out like it always did, with me thinking too hard and/or trying to force the song out in a perfect little package.

But then, I remembered that striving for perfection, especially in art, isn't necessary. There's beauty in imperfection, after all. So, I decided to try a different approach.

I took a step back, remembering how Pete had told me that writing lyrics was like a confessional to him, and how in some ways it was better than any therapy he’d ever gone through.

I thought about this for a second, knowing that there was definitely a thing or two that I needed to get out in the open. Not that I hadn’t been lacking in the honesty department as of late, but to put those feelings into song, to be so raw about it just seemed like the right thing to do.

I don’t know how I did it, but I ended up writing two songs that night. It took all night, but I did it. And for once, they didn’t suck. They were actually, dare I say it...good.

I was so confident in my songs that instead of keeping them to myself never to be heard from again like the plethora of other songs I’d written in the past, I instead chose to do something I never imagined: I decided to share them and did something I should’ve done a long time ago: I called an emergency band meeting.

Now, when I called them, the guys weren’t all that angry with me. I don’t think, anyway. They knew what had happened within the last year, and couldn’t completely shun me for ignoring them since the accident. At least, not without hearing me out first.

Going into this, I had a plan. I had an apology, a song, and something extra special up my sleeve: a goodie basket full of cookies, fudge and brownies, courtesy of my Aunt Julie, which she happily shipped overnight to me per my request.

Oh, I loved her.

By the time they arrived, I was more than anxious to clear the air among my bandmates, and if their faces were anything to go by, I’d guess they were to. “I’ve gotta say, I was surprised to hear from you.” Jo admitted as she walked past, quickly clearing the door so the rest of the guys could enter my apartment as well. “I thought for a second that you were done with us.”

I winced, the guilt already creeping through my veins. “Well music hasn’t exactly been my focus...” I paused, peering at the group of people I’d grown so close to making music together. “I’m sorry, by the way, for everything. For not keeping you in the loop, for lashing out at you...” The last bit, of course, was directed at Jo. Though I’d already apologized for this before, I felt the need to do it once more. “I’ve been kind of a mess.”

Sam just frowned, ignoring my words as his attention instead zeroed in on the large wrapped basket currently sitting on top of my coffee table. “What the hell is that?”

“Oh...” My head whipped around to follow his gaze. “It’s just a little something I got for you guys...” I paused for a second as I shrugged, joking lightly, “I hope you like chocolate.”

Landon, always a child at heart, perked up, not wasting another second as he walked over to the basket, peering at the contents inside. “Chocolate?”

“Is that why you called us over? To apologize for all the shit that’s happened this past year?” Mark asked me. “Because we all know it’s not your fault. I mean, I was pissed for a while after I thought you had recovered...especially after Fearless dropped us and we heard nothing.”

“Sorry about that.” I apologized earnestly, feeling bad that I’d been unable to even talk to my friends, let alone keep them in the loop. “I’ve been a bit...” I struggled to find the right words. “...lost.”

“Hey, no worries.” Mark’s hands flew up, clear that there were no hard feelings. “I’m just glad to see you, Chris.”

A smile graced my lips, relieved that our reunion was going over so smoothly. “I’m really glad to see you, too.” I turned towards the rest of the band as I added, “All of you.”

“Mmm, ditto.” Landon agreed in-between a mouthful of a cookie he had snuck from the gift basket, too delicious to resist. He stuffed another mouthful, his eyes rolling in the back of his head as he took in the sugary goodness. “Oh, fuck, this is good...”

Jo raised a brow, smirking in return as her lips fought not to laugh at our bandmate’s silly behavior. “So, now that we’ve got that out of the way, any idea what the plan is? I mean, I’m pretty sure I can speak for the rest of the band when I say we don’t want to rush you into doing anything you’re not comfortable with, right, guys?” She glanced over her shoulder to find the men of the band silently nodding in confirmation.

“Yeah, whenever you’re ready.” Mark added. “We understand.”

“I think I’m doing anything but rushing. I’m ready to rejoin, if you’ll let me.” I replied without doubt. “Besides, my therapist told me that focusing on other things, and creating new memories with people will be good for me. What better way than to create some music with my friends?”

“Great.” Jo nodded, her smile only growing as the possibilities of our future grew from zero to infinity just like that. “So we should probably call the promoters again, right? I mean, we basically have to start from the bottom since we have no tour manager or label, but there’s no harm in doing a few local gigs to get our name back out there, right?”

Mark bobbed his head. “It shouldn’t be that hard. If we play it right, I imagine it won’t take very long before our fans spread the word that we’re back. If the following is anything like before, the record companies will be knocking at our door in no time.”

Sam, meanwhile, wasn’t completely sold. “I hate to break it to you, but it’s not going to do any good if we don’t have any new material.” Mark stared at him, while he pressed on. “What, you really think that the kids’ll care about us if all we do is play the same fifteen songs as before?”

Good songs or not, he had a point.

“I might be able to help with that.” I tentatively cut in, my pulse already pounding away as the idea that I was actually planning to share one of my own songs loomed in the air.

Everyone turned to stare at me in what I can only describe as pure shock. “Wha’?” Landon asked, mouth thankfully only half open as he was still happily munching away at the sweet treats on my coffee table.

“I, uh, came up with something while I’ve been away.” I continued softly, running a hand through my wavy locks in a nervous tick. “It’s probably not all that good, but I figured I’d offer--”

“Let’s hear it.” Jo stopped me, eyes bright at the mention of a fresh song, even if I was the one that wrote it this time.

I quickly nodded, waving the small group over so they could follow me down the small hallway and into my newly redesigned home studio. “Whoa, sweet set up.” Mark let out a low whistle as he admired the various decor on the walls as well as the high tech equipment I was still getting the hang of.

“Thanks.” I smiled softly, moving fast as I set up my keyboard properly, turning up the sound so it was at a decent level. “Jack and Pete set it up for me.”

Mark’s dark eyes practically bugged out of his sockets. “Pete?” He repeated.

“Wentz.” I corrected. “Not Wyatt.” The idea that I’d ever, ever befriend such a douche sent a shiver down my spine.

Mark, meanwhile, let out a sigh of relief. “Oh. Gotcha.” He shoved a hand in his jean pocket as the four members of Midnight huddled next to me, two of them settling down on the tiny black leather couch just under the window.

“I didn’t know you wrote songs, Chris.” Landon commented as he leaned casually against the side of the couch, standing up with Jo as there was no longer any place to sit.

“I don’t.” I told him honestly with a self-conscious laugh. “Not normally, anyway.”

“Alright, well I’m ready to hear it either way.” Jo tapped her knee excitedly, her fingers twitching in anticipation.

I sucked in a breath through my nose. Just breathe, I reminded myself. It’s not a big deal. You’re just sharing the deepest parts of your soul, that’s all.

Yeah. That’s all.

“Okay. Uh, it’s called, ‘Under the Water’.” I muttered, keeping my gaze focused on the black and white keys, knowing at that point if I looked at anyone else, I’d chicken out. I could do this.

I had to.

“Lay my head, under the water
Lay my head, under the sea
Excuse me sir, am I your daughter?
There's not a time, for being younger
And all my friends, are enemies
And if I cried unto my mother
No she wasn't there, she wasn't there for me...”

I continued the song, building up the intensity line by line as I poured my heart out, facing those dark thoughts that had been building up inside for far too long. Funny thing was, putting it on paper and singing it for all to hear, it was like every word, every phrase made whatever scars left on my heart hurt a little less.

After everything, I was actually healing. It was working, just like Pete said.

“Broken lines, across my mirror
Show my face, all red and bruised
And though I screamed and I screamed, well no one came running
No I wasn't saved, I wasn't safe from you.”

The song built up it’s intensity even more, and the desperation in my voice reached maximum, mirroring the helpless feeling I’d been dealing with the past few months. I remembered the helplessness I felt, the feeling that I was drowning with no way out; the depression and psychosis were suffocating me.

“Don't let the water drag you down
Don’t let the water drag you down...
Don't let me drown, don't let me drown in the waves, oh
I could be found, I could be what you had saved.
Saved, saved, saved...”

As I screamed out the last note, I eased up on the piano substantially, the song coming down from it’s climax as the final verse came back around.

“Lay my head, under the water
Aloud I pray, for calmer seas
And when I wake from this dream, with chains all around me
No, I've never been, I've never been free
No, I've never been, I've never been free...”

I finished the last chord on the piano softly, my fingers barely grazing the keys as I kept my eyes tightly shut, afraid of what the response would be. It was such a personal song, I was admittedly terrified of what the rest of my band thought of it.

“Ho-lee fuck.” Jo’s voice cut through the silence, shocking me out of the trance-like state I’d been in since starting the song. It was like some sort of out of body experience, taking over me as sang.

I finally opened my eyes, hesitantly raising my gaze to meet four gaping faces. “So...was it good?”

Jo’s thin lips pursed together as she quickly bobbed her head before attacking me in a tight hug. I should note that Jo has never, ever, been a hugger, so for her to openly show her affection like that must’ve meant I did something right.

Right?

“Holy fuck, that was amazing.” She repeated, her voice reverberating against me as she took a moment to let me go, and as she did I noticed her normally perfectly smokey eyes were rimmed with unshed tears. “Just...wow. I’m speechless. Truly.”

“I think we’ve found a new songwriter for the band.” Mark added from his spot next to Sam on the couch.

I blushed. “You guys really liked it that much?”

“Hey, would we ever lie to you?” Jo countered, sniffing as she quickly rubbed a tear or two away in attempts at resuming her normal tough-as-nails exterior as quickly as possible. “What about you, Sam? What’d you think?”

As attention was turned towards him, our bassist immediately straightened up, lips tight in a serious, no-b.s. frown. His thick, bushy brows raised in thought, taking time to process the melody I’d shared before finally announcing, “I think we’re back in business.”

Notes

I'm honestly happy to have Midnight back....I missed them! And, of course, there are some huge plans in store for them :)

...though it was odd not to have Jack in a chapter. So thus, a part two will (hopefully) be out by Sunday. We shall see lol.

Opening lyrics are from "Holding onto You" by twenty one pilots. I love them so much. I'm technically late to join the clique, but I'm telling you, I'm obsessed :P. Already bought tickets to see them in February and everything. I really, really can't wait. I hear they put on an amazing show, and if youtube videos are anything to go by, then that's absolutely true :)

Also used (obviously) is "Under the Water" by the Pretty Reckless

Anyway, enjoy!