Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Jack’s POV:

“Well,” I sighed as I approached the large group of anxiously awaiting friends in the mostly quiet waiting room, “She’s awake and stable.”

“Has she said why she...you know...?” Matt asked me, his voice small as his question faded into the stiff air. He didn’t have to finish, though. The reality that my girlfriend had actually tried to end her life had sunk in for most of us since we’d all arrived at the hospital hours before.

My beautiful, sweet Sally for whatever reason tried to commit suicide, and none of us could figure out why. It was getting better for her.

Or, you know, so we thought.

I shook my head sadly, the lump in my throat ever-present and it felt like I’d swallowed a frog. My emotions had been on a wild ride since entering the Canadian hospital, and it had to have shown. I knew I looked like an absolute mess, and my energy level was teetering on empty. But I pushed through, knowing that any moment the doctor was going to give me the go-ahead to see her and finally get an explanation myself. “Not yet.”

“I can’t believe this is actually happening.” Alex pressed his hands against his face in disbelief, dragging his long fingers down slowly as the tips grazed his skin. His eyes were bleary and red, and his knee wouldn’t stop shaking for the life of him.

“At least she’s alive, right?” Rian offered carefully, feeling the unspoken tension in the room. “We have to look at the positive, here.”

“This shouldn’tve happened at all.” I countered, hating the helplessness I was currently feeling. I always felt that way anytime we were in the hospital, but this time, despite knowing that she was stable and still with us did little to ease the fact that I couldn’t do anything but sit in that damn waiting room. “I should’ve paid more attention. There had to have been signs, or something that could’ve told me--” I sucked in a sharp breath through my teeth, cutting myself off as something very important came to mind. “Fuck. Her family--I need to call them, and tell them what’s happened...”

“I can do that if you’re not up to it.” Matt volunteered, whipping his cell phone out of his jacket pocket as if to prove he was being genuine with his offer.

Though I considered his offer in my head, outwardly I groaned. “Goddammit, they’re gonna hate me. First the car accident and now this? They’re never going to trust me with their daughter ever again.”

“They’re not going to blame you for what happened.” Alex countered with reason. “And if they do, Madison will set them straight, alright?”

“Madison?”

“Yeah, she likes you and she’s a psychologist, right? If they do pull the blame card, she’ll just spew some psych mumbo jumbo and they’ll be sure to love you like the son they probably wish they never had.”

I gave a weak smile in return at my best friend’s small attempt at a joke. “Thanks, man.”

“Anytime.”

“I...” I glanced down at my lap, snaking a hand into my jean pocket to produce my iPhone. The screen was black, and honestly I’d never been so scared to turn on a phone and make a call in my life. “I guess I should call them, then.” I glanced up at my group of friends, noting how Matt’s jaw unlocked for a second, maybe to make his offer one last time before shutting it again. Not that I wasn’t appreciative of his offer, but I knew getting such a call from anyone but me at this point just wouldn’t be right.

So, I sucked in a breath and shoved whatever cowardly thoughts I might’ve had down the drain, and I made the call.

I ended up calling Madison first, which in the end turned out to be the wise thing anyway. After blurting out what’d happened to Sally and a freak out on her end, Madison composed herself enough long enough to advise me to do anything but call her parents. “I’ll tell them, okay? Because if you tell them, then they’ll insist on dragging the whole family to fucking Canada and that’s about the last thing Chris needs right now.”

“Oh, o-okay.” I stuttered, shocked that she actually didn’t want her parents to come up and see her sister. Then again, I remembered when we’d called them about the car accident and almost immediately the whole waiting room was ninety percent family. So maybe Madison had a point. Maybe her overbearing family wasn’t exactly what she needed right now, after all.

“God, Mom is going to be a handful, but I’ll convince them to stay in San Diego for now. The less stress for Chris, the better. Once I do that, I’ll get a flight up there as soon as I can...” She paused for a moment, her voice taking on a professional air, maybe as a way to mask her bubbling fears over the near-tragedy that I’d just informed her of. I could tell that like me, she was trying hard to keep it together. “Now, where is she? Is she still in recovery or...?”

“The doctor just told me they put her on suicide watch. I think they’ll get a psychologist to asses her soon, though.”

“Are they allowing any visitors after that?”

“I really fucking hope so.” I sighed, annoyed that I couldn’t just walk into her room and talk to her already.

“Jack...you should be prepared that she might be a little...off when you do see her. It’s not uncommon for those who attempt suicide to feel failure or even anger that they didn’t succeed. I don’t know what she was going through or what made her do this, but I just wanted to warn you--”

“I don’t care. If she’s going to be angry, let her be angry. I’m fucking furious. I just don’t--” I huffed, already feeling my blood begin to boil that we were even in this situation to begin with. “I don’t understand why she’d do this. I kept telling her I was there for her and it was like she didn’t even care that she’d be leaving all of us behind.”

“She didn’t mean it.” Madison replied softly. “You know she didn’t.”

I sighed again, deep down knowing she was right. The Sally I loved would never, ever think of doing any harm to herself. Whatever inner demons she was fighting must’ve been so big that she really thought it was her only way out. “...yeah. I know.”

~*~

Normal POV:

“Do you know why you’re here, Christina?”

I stared blankly at the therapist in front of me. Was she serious? I was in a tiny room with the barest equipment, torn away from my friends and family. I had a pretty good inkling why I was there. “Because I tried to commit suicide.”

The therapist, Doctor Sanders--or Jamie, as she insisted I call her--nodded, jotting down a few quick notes on the large legal pad in her lap. “Can you tell me what led you to try to do that?”

I stiffened, feeling beyond nervous to think the reason, let alone say it out loud. I’d barely mustered up the courage to tell Jack (well, fake Jack it turns out) something was wrong, and now here I was, in front of a licensed professional asking about my deepest, darkest thoughts.

“Look, this is all a big misunderstanding.” I stupidly tried to reason, clasping my palms together in desperation that the woman in front of me could see that I was telling the truth. “I’m not suicidal, not really.”

She eyed me carefully. “I’m not here to judge, Christina. I’m just here to help you understand why you ended up here in the first place, accident or not.” She paused for a beat. “Now there had to have been something that made you feel the need to take all those pills.”

“Um, well...” I scrunched up my fist, feeling my heart beginning to flutter over the notion of actually admitting out loud that something was wrong. “I-I...” I braced myself, waiting for one of the hallucinations to begin, to taunt me that I’d failed after everything. But for once, they didn’t. My body relaxed slightly, feeling an odd wave of ease wash through me. Maybe, for once, I could tell someone the whole truth without a subsequent bashing by my inner demons. And, just like that, the levy broke. “I made a mistake, okay? I wanted to tell someone sooner, but they wouldn’t let me, and I felt absolutely trapped--”

Jamie raised a brow. “They?”

I gulped. “The, uh, hallucinations. I...I know they aren’t real, but they just wouldn’t fucking go away and the harder I tried to ignore them, the more vivid they became. First it was my daughter, then it was my band mate and then--” I shuddered, the memory of the way the fake version of Jack had heartlessly broken up with me. “Then it was my boyfriend.”

“And how long have these hallucinations been going on?” She patiently asked.

I shrugged. “Uh, for a few months, I think.” I tried to pinpoint when exactly Alex’s party had been and when I’d seen the first figment of my imagination, but the dates blurred in my mind.
“You were in a car accident in...” Her eyes wandered to her medical notes. “...April, correct.”

I nodded.

“And you were diagnosed with depression shortly after.” She noted.

“Right. I didn’t start seeing anything until after I was diagnosed with the depression.”

“And you never told anyone?”

I shook my head, the guilt over my actions filling me like a balloon. “I...I wanted to. And at first, I think I honestly thought it would just go away, or that I could deal it on my own. I was stupid, I know--”

“You weren’t stupid, Christina.” Jamie told me, her voice like silk. “Many people who suffer from hallucinations deal with dan impaired reality, and in your case one that coincides with delusions that were out of your control. Now did these hallucinations ever tell you things? Negative thoughts?”

“Oh, come on. You’re really going to answer her?” I could hear Jo’s voice sneer. “You really want to get rid of us that badly?”

I took a deep breath, ignoring the sudden presence of said hallucinations with a stubbornly stiff lip. “All the time.”

“Could you elaborate?” Jamie asked. “An example, perhaps?”

Immediately, the words that absolutely broke me came to mind. “Well, they told me that it would’ve been better if I’d died in the crash, and the worst part of it was, after hearing it so many times, I began to believe them.”

“And you don’t now?”

“I told you, I made a mistake.” I quickly shook my head, feeling defensive. “I didn’t want to die--I still don’t. It was just a moment of weakness and a damn hallucination of my boyfriend breaking up with me and telling me that I should’ve died in the crash that sent me over the edge, okay?”

“Does your boyfriend know about your depression?”

I nodded. “I told him a few days after I found out. He’s been...amazing about it.” The barest hint of a smile appeared on my lips as I thought about how supportive and patient Jack had been since our lives had gone topsy-turvy. “I guess that’s why hearing the fake version of him tell me that I meant nothing to him and wishing I was dead especially hit me hard.”

“Hearing that would be hard on anyone.” Jamie told me. “Hallucination or not.” She paused once more before casually adding, “Are you still seeing these hallucinations?”

My eyes wandered over Jamie’s shoulder where Jo was casually perched up on the back counter, long, thin legs dangling over the shelf. “Yep.” I replied, my voice tight. “Still there.”

“Okay, I’ll have to consult with a few of my colleagues, but I think it’s pretty safe to say that what you have is what’s known as Psychosis. The distorted reality, hearing voices, seeing things that aren’t really there, it all fits what you’ve told me. This, mixed with depression can be a very deadly mix as it can result in suicidal thoughts. But, with the right treatment, with regular therapy visits and medication, it’s very treatable.”

I raised a questioning brow. “That’s what the doctor told me last time when I was diagnosed with depression.”

“Last time they only had half of the diagnosis.” She countered.

“So...you’re saying that I can actually get better?” I asked. “That I’m not stuck like this?”

“As long as you stick to seeing a therapist, take your meds and stop hiding things from people like your boyfriend, I’d say that yes, you can return to living your life. But don’t expect this to be a quick fix, either. On occasion you may still feel depressed thoughts or see a hallucination or two, but these should significantly reduce following proper treatment.”

I nodded, all too willing to comply with her criteria. “Yes, of course.”

She smiled, rising from her seat next to my bedside to shake my hand. “Well it was great to meet you, Christina. I’ll return in a little bit to confirm your diagnosis so we can get your treatment started ASAP, alright. In the meantime, I’ll stop by the front desk so they can start approving visitors, if you’d like.”

I gasped, shocked that I’d be able to see people so soon. “I can see Jack?” I asked, jaw dropped.

She laughed lightly at my reaction. “Yes, you can see Jack.”

My heart began to flutter. “Thank you so much, Doctor Sanders.”

“Jamie.” She corrected.

“Right.” I chuckled. “Thank you, Jamie.”

~*~

As I anxiously waited for Jack to arrive, the excitement over finally being able to see him and explain what had happened quickly diminished, and was now replaced with unavoidable fear. Because really, even if I no longer felt like suicide was my only option, in those few moments in that hotel room, I did. And in those few stupid moments I decided to act upon those feelings.

Now I was in a hospital on suicide watch.

How could I begin to explain to him that it had all been a mistake, that I wasn’t thinking straight? That I would never willingly leave him, or our friends, or our family? Telling Jamie had been one thing--she was a licensed therapist and dealt with cases like mine all the time.
But Jack? I’d like to say that Jack would understand instantly that I wasn’t in my right mind, that I didn’t mean to take things as far as they went, but I couldn’t.

I wasn’t sure how Jack would react. Maybe he’d be sympathetic. I’d be unlikely, but it was still a small possibility.

Maybe he’d be angry. He had every right to be. I’d been lying to him for months, lying to myself that I was getting better when in reality, I was falling farther and farther into my own dark thoughts. If I’d been honest with him from the get go, I probably never would’ve been in this shit.

Or maybe...maybe he was fed up. I hated to think like that, but there was a tiny possibility that this could’ve been the last straw for him. I’d been putting a lot on him lately, and to just throw it all away like that had to have hurt. Had I pushed him to his limit? I couldn’t be sure, but I sure as hell hoped not. I’d been stupid, and honestly had lost myself for a bit.

I prayed to God that he knew that.

I wasn’t sure how long I waited for him to show up. Minutes felt like hours as the seconds crawled on. I stared at the door, willing it to open as I watched figure after figure pass by through the small glass frame in the upper half of the door. But then, just as I was about to give up staring at said door and maybe catch up a bit on my sleep, it opened.

He looked as if he hadn’t slept in days, his hair completely disheveled. The barest hint of a five o’clock shadow graced his jawline, and his eyes were dim and rimmed with red, irritated skin. “Sally?” He whispered, taking a timid step into the room. The nurse behind him informed him that he’d have ten minutes with me before he’d have to leave, then shut the door so we’d have a bit of privacy.

He swallowed hard, staring at me as he took in my appearance. I was forced to wear those stupid thin-ply hospital gowns, and my wrist was hooked up to an IV. He’d seen me like this too many times in our relationship, but I knew this time was different. There was no freak accident to blame, no psycho ex.

I’d done this to myself.

“Oh, thank God...” He breathed, practically falling to my bedside as his torso fell on top of me, his head nesting into the crevice of my shoulder. “I was so fucking scared that it was too late...” He mumbled.

“I’m so sorry,” I sniffled, the feeling of him close to me being all it took for the emotions to begin pouring out of me in fat, heavy sobs. “I didn’t mean to--”

“Do you have any idea how worried we’ve all been?”

“I’m sor--”

“I mean, fuck, Sally!” Jack cut me off as he pulled back, still bleary eyed but also mixed with that anger I’d predicted. “Why didn’t you tell me you were that sad, huh? I told you I wouldn’t judge you, that you could tell me anything!” His voice was sharp, furious even as he pulled back, running his large hand through his unkempt, wild hair. “Why would you try to leave me? Leave us?”

“I didn’t mean to, alright!” I shot back, despite knowing I was completely in the wrong. I knew he was only upset because of the whole situation, but that didn’t make being on the receiving end of his anger any easier. “I never thought that I’d ever--”

“I had to call your sister, you know?” He cut me off, too much on a roll to really listen to anything I had to say. “She’ll be here as soon as she can, but even she was shocked to hear that you would--” He tensed, the mere thought of what I attempted too bitter to comprehend. “That you would ever try--”

“I thought you broke up with me, alright?” I blurted out, the feeling of finally being honest an odd comfort despite the situation.

This got his attention. He stopped his rant, ears perked up as he asked slowly, “You...what?”

“I thought you broke up with me.” I repeated, gazing at a spot on the ceiling in a trance. I kept my voice level in hopes of getting through the admission without totally losing it, but damn, was it hard. “You came into the room and broke up with me because you couldn’t handle my craziness anymore. You said that I’d changed, that I wasn’t worth it and it would’ve been better if the baby’d survived instead of me.”

“But...” Jack began, shocked by my words. “But I’d never even think--”

“I know.” I bobbed my head. “God, I know. But in that moment, I...I was lost. I had been...seeing things, seeing people that I knew weren’t really there, and the last straw was when I saw that version of you. It was like my nightmares all over again and I just...I couldn’t take it.”

“Fuck...” He breathed, shaking his head as he eased himself back into the chair, dipping his head down so it was mere inches away from his knees. He stayed that way for a minute, processing how deep my troubles had become. Eventually he glanced back up at me, his features significantly less angry as he asked, “So...the doctors, have they figured out what’s wrong?”

“Psychosis.” I replied. “They’re pretty sure, anyway.”

He sighed, the thought of something else wrong with my psyche probably eating up at him. He snaked an arm to the back of his neck, rubbing his cervical bones roughly before he looked up at me, eyes worried, “Can they fix it?”

I quickly nodded. “They seemed pretty confident. With therapy and medication, they said.”

“Okay.” He breathed, releasing his neck with a small sigh. “Then that’s good, right? You’re going to get better.”

“I...” I furrowed my brows, feeling a hope that I hadn’t felt in a long time. For once, I believed the doctor when they said I was going to get better. I really could become myself again, if I tried hard enough. “...I think I am.”

“We can do this, alright, Sally?” Jack pressed on, taking my IV-connected hand in his. “I’ll help you in any way I can. You are going to get better. I promise.”

“Thank you.” I told him, my lips breaking into a tiny, but genuine smile. “You know, you’re taking this way calmer than I thought you would.”

“Oh, I’m still furious at you. And that’s not going to change any time soon. You did something incredibly stupid.” He corrected, lowering his head slightly so his dark brown eyes could peer right into my soul. “But I also realize it wasn’t completely in your control.”

“Hey, if you’re mad at me, don’t hold back.” I said, done with keeping things to ourselves. Not being honest is partly what got me into this mess, after all. “I deserve it.”

He stared at me, shocked that I was willing to be on the receiving end of his anger. “You sure?”

“I can take it.” I promised.

“Oh-okay...” He frowned, thinking deeply for a second. “Well, for starters, how could you keep something like this from me? I would’ve been able to handle it. You really think that after finding out about the depression and the nightmares, seeing things would’ve really phased me? I never would have judged you and I thought we had a stronger relationship than that.”

“I’m sorry for keeping it from you. What else?”

“How could you think that I’d ever break up with you, or for that matter, tell you that the baby should’ve survived instead of you?” He asked, the hurt in his voice evident. “I mean, I’m grieving, sure, but to say that I would’ve happily preferred having our baby instead of you is nonsense. I love you, crazy or not. When I chose to be with you, that was it. Just because you’ve been a little lost doesn’t mean I love you any less, or will suddenly up and leave because you’ve lost your way a little.”

I gulped, finding the only think I could do was nod. No words could properly respond to such a beautiful statement.

“I’ll always be there for you. I’ll never leave, not ever.” Jack whispered, the annoyance in his voice virtually gone as he finished. “We’re simply meant to be, remember?” His lips curled up into a smile. “I love you, Sally. ”

There’s no point in denying I was crying at that point, because I was. Jack’s words struck right to my heart, and it was exactly what I needed to hear at that point. I knew Jack loved me, that he cared for me. But after everything that’d happened, after everything I’d done, he still didn’t even think about leaving. He did so much for me and never asked for anything in return. He was my rock, my anchor, and I knew that this time, I really was going to get better.

For him.

Notes

Sorry this took so long to get out. It turned out way different than initially intended, but I do like how it turned out :) Enjoy!

Opening lyrics are from "Fix You" by Coldplay. I'm not a huge fan of Coldplay, but I do love that song. And 'the Scientist' lol. I'm mushy like that :P