Normal POV:

Well.

I finally did it.

I finally hit rock bottom. I let those damn voices get to me, tricking me into doing the one thing I never thought I would. I never wanted to leave him. I never wanted to leave my life. Yet here I was, on the brink of death, somewhere between the living and the dead as I waited for the inevitable to finally take over.

Funny thing was, unlike my previous near-death experience, I was completely aware of my situation. I knew exactly what I’d done to end up in this hazy in between and more frighteningly, I knew exactly what was on the line. I missed being ignorant, instead falling into the vivid daydream that sure, was nightmarish in so many ways, but it was far more digestible than the truth. Because really, if my sick, twisted mind got it’s way, then this would be it for me.

I really could die. I could leave the world with no explanation for why I did what I did, and I knew that out of everyone I ever cared for, Jack would blame himself for what had happened. He’d try to make some weak connection to knowing about my depression and leaving me alone for a measly twenty minutes and come to the conclusion that it was all his fault.

My soul ached, my own guilt filling my being as it mixed with regret. I couldn’t get over that I’d been so rash, so caught up in the moment. I hadn’t been thinking straight. Because if I had been thinking straight, I should’ve seen right through it. Jack would never break up with me--not like that anyway, and most certainly not over something so...selfish. I mean, really. Breaking up with me because my mental health was a bit wonky? Seriously?

Thing was, I was already lost by the time that hallucination of Jack kicked in. My emotions were already on high alert thanks to seeing ‘Jo’ in the elevator and... well, we all know how that ended up.

I wondered for a second how my friends and family would react to my death. I wasn’t trying to think negatively, or just give up on living, but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help but wonder how my death would be announced, and how many people might show up to my funeral. It’d probably be in San Diego, as my mom would insist I be close to the family.

And Jack. How would he cope with my sudden passing? We’d only known each other for three years or so, but we had been as close as a couple could be practically since the beginning. I know it might sound straight out of a fairy tale or something, but we were really soulmates. Our hearts physically ached when we were apart from each other, and to just leave him like that--

Oh, God.

What had I done?

“I can’t leave him...” I said, my voice echoing into the dark abyss of the in between.

“‘fraid you don’t have much choice.”

I wasn’t expecting an answer, and the response only made my broken emotions even more shattered. I was done with my mind playing tricks on me, done with succumbing to whatever it desired. It’s what got me in this mess, after all.

I was about to shout at the voice, ready to tell it to fuck off, when the darkness suddenly cleared and suddenly I was no longer alone. Like a dark fog had parted, I found myself standing in front of--

Myself.

My eyes widened at the familiar face in front of me. “Oh. Well that’s new.”

I--or should I say, Christina--smiled as if I’d greeted her like an old friend. “You know, it’s not too late.”

I had to hold back a laugh at the absurdity of her statement. “Um. You just said I didn’t have a choice--”

“Well, you are giving up, aren’t you?” Christina shot back with an even, dare I say, judgmental stare. I coiled back, shocked by ‘my’ bluntness.

“What? No I’m not.” Despite my protest, I knew her words to be true. I’d accepted my fate, accepted death. But did I really have to?

“You say you want to keep living, right? Then fight for it.”

I thought about it for a second, wishing it were that easy. But as I examined my empty surroundings, I felt my heart sink as the hopelessness sunk in further. “...b-but how?”

“Think about everything that makes life worth living. Think about Jack, the fans, the band. Mom. Dad. Anna--everything that brings joy to your life.”

I tried desperately to focus on the ‘highlights’ of my life. I pictured Jack’s smiling face, I pictured the crowd going wild as Midnight rocked out on stage. I attempted to memorize every single detail, repeating each memory like silent movies in my head. I focused hard, but after a few minutes of genuinely trying and nothing changing, I timidly glanced up at my doppelgänger. “Okay...now what?”

“Now think, really think of everything you’d be missing out on if you left right now.”

If I’d been focused before, I was even more fixated as I followed her instructions. I imagined returning to Midnight and being able to tour the world with thousands upon thousands of people just as messed up as us singing along.

I imagined Jack and I finally committing and getting married in front of all our families and friends. We’d move into a quiet suburban house with a picket fence and a large yard for Zero to run in. Then, after our careers slowed down a bit and our hearts healed enough, we’d try for another baby. Hell, maybe three or four. Get a whole band’s worth. Jack would be the most amazing dad. Fun, but firm when he had to be. And God, would he be the best husband. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine someone as loving and caring as Jack. He’d truly taken my world by storm, beating the image in my head of the ‘ideal man’ tenfold. He was imperfect, sure. He was infuriating at times, but he also never failed to put a smile on my face. Who needed perfect when I had him?

I needed to live. For him, for my family, but most importantly, for me. I wanted that life I was picturing. I wanted the picket fence, I wanted the venue full of fans, I wanted kids, I wanted it all. I was so close to having it, and all I needed to do was wake up already.

“You feel that?” Doppelgänger me raised a brow, glancing upward towards the emptiness above with a smirk.

I followed her gaze, freezing for a second as I did a quick one-over. I could feel...something. I couldn’t quite place it yet, but it was definitely there, this weird, slow burn that felt like it was emitting from my very core. “What is it?” I whispered.

“It’s your desire to live.” She shrugged simply before egging me on, “Alright, quick. Tell me the one thing you wish you could do more than anything right now.”

“I wish I could tell Jack I love him, and that everything’s going to be okay.” I spewed out the first thought that came to me.

“Great. What else?” She asked, the burning sensation steadily growing.

“Uh, I wish I could play another show with Jo and the guys. I really miss being on stage with them.”

Again, the sensation grew.

This time, without her coaxing, I continued. “I wish I could see my mom and dad. I’d listen to her ramble on about the stupidest thing, I don’t care. I just want to hear their voices again--”

A violent rumble shook every inch of my being and my gaze shot towards Christina in sudden fear that my attempts at returning to the land of the living were in vein. Was this the end? Yet, she shook her head quickly, shouting over the crumbling surroundings, “You’re so close, keep going!”

“I wish I could hang out with Cass, Lisa and all my friends like I used to. I miss them all so much and love them dearly.” I spoke the first thing that came to mind. “I wish I could visit Madison and finally figure out who she’s dating. I wish I could go back to LA without feeling like I’m going to have a panic attack. I wish I could hang out with Pete again and listen to all his lame dad jokes that makes him think he’s the coolest thing ever. And most of all, I wish J--”

I wasn’t able to finish my last ‘wish’, though. Just as I was about to get the final thought out, a sharp light broke through the blackness, eloping my vision. The familiar whiteness took over, my blurred vision taking a moment to come into focus, but when it did, my thoughts relaxed.

I was back in the hospital.

I was alive.

Notes

I'm so glad this chapter came together as quickly as it did. Next chapter deals with Jack's (and everyone else's) reaction to what happened. I'm hoping, depending on my schedule to get that up by Friday. Here's hoping!