Ash’s POV
Alex handed the note to the teacher as soon as we entered the classroom. He read over it, giving Alex a small nod before giving me a supportive smile. Of course the exact reason why we had to leave earlier wasn’t explicitly said, but there were still hints towards it. A ‘doctor’s’ appointment was the reason why. The teacher had already figured out that this was for me, and that Alex was just coming with me for support. It could have just as well been for him, but everybody knew what had happened.

Do you know how difficult it is to act like you can’t hear all the whispers and feel all the stares? Do you know how hard it is to see your friends try their best to protect you from what everybody was saying? I just had to act like I didn’t notice a thing, like everything was the same before it all happened. Maybe at one point I’d be able to tell everyone that I didn’t care anymore, but now I just had to listen in without anybody noticing. Knowing people are talking about you gives you the worst feeling ever: betrayal, queasy, and out of the loop. I only heard small pieces and never the full thing. Before they would finish talking, they would realise I could possibly hear. Do you know how hard that is?

The only thing I could do was act like I didn’t notice those small looks people gave me; those looks filled with sympathy, yet they’d never ever understand. Nobody would ever get it unless they experienced it themselves, and I would never wish that on anybody. No matter how bad a person was, they did not deserve anything like that.

But I still felt like I did.

I knew I was exactly five weeks pregnant on this day. It was all I was thinking about. Alex and Jack were there for me in the first couple of hours, then Isobel got to know, and I had to call my dad as I told him. I was sitting against my bedroom door, my head rested against Alex’s shoulder as the dial tones had gone off over the speakerphone. With my voice shaking and my eyes constantly in tears, I muttered out the simple impossible sentence to my dad: ‘I am pregnant’. Alex held my hand the entire time while Jack called later to check up on me. It was one of the most distressing things I had ever had to do.

I was just wondering if I had made the right decision. With all these different options available, I didn’t know if I had chosen the right one. I placed my hand on my stomach, knowing there was a life growing in there now, but I didn’t know how it made me feel. This was supposed to be a happy and exciting moment, something that happened in the future with somebody I loved. But now it was completely different. Those dreams were never going to happen now. It wasn’t going to work out that way anymore.

Only when a piece of paper was placed in front of me did I suddenly snap back to reality. It was about a class trip to New York that was supposed to happen in a week and a half. I let out a small sigh as I placed both my hands on the desk, trailing the outline of the page. It was supposed to be fun, but I didn’t know how I was going to enjoy myself. Too much was going on in my mind for me to focus on anything else.

As soon as the teacher finished talking about us having to hand in the permission slips by the beginning of the next week, Alex and I had to leave. Everybody was confused as to why we were leaving, only the teacher and Jack understood, not even Rian or our other friends knew about me being pregnant. As soon as Alex and I left the room, we were silent, not saying a word to each other, knowing what was about to come.

The drive was reticent as well. There was nothing either of us could really say to each other. Luckily, it wasn’t too long, only half an hour, before we were at the building we needed to be. The sign next to the glass door only made my decision sink in even more, causing my doubts to become even greater: Abortion Clinic.

I just hoped nobody saw me walk in.

Everything was such a blur. Alex held the door open for me after we were buzzed in. The lady at the reception gave me friendly smiles as she explained all the forms I had to fill out. I was barely paying attention as she explained some of the process I was going to go through as soon as I got to meet the doctor. We were sent to the waiting room to fill out all the questions, and I immediately felt out of place.

All the other women there were much older than me, not a single teenager in sight. They had to be there as well, but they probably came at hours after school. I was the odd one out. Many gave me weird looks, judging me for being so young while at the same time telling themselves that they shouldn’t judge me, because they were there as well. It was probably Alex with me that caused them to look up at us. It most likely looked like Alex and I messed up and that we were here without our parents knowing. But none of that could be more wrong. People just judged way too quickly, and I hated it; I wanted to cry as I was filling out all my medical details.

And then the text message came while Alex handed back the papers to the lady at the reception.

----
Alex’s POV

I could tell how uncomfortable and unsure Ash felt. It must have been so difficult for her to make this decision. She only had three options: keep the baby, put the baby up for adoption, or have an abortion. It took a while to figure out what she wanted to do, but after going through all the pros and cons, she made a decision. Putting the baby up for adoption would mean being pregnant for the rest of senior year, being more focused on that than being able to do school work, meaning she’d probably have to repeat the year, which was something she absolutely dreaded. It did mean, however, that the baby would be alive. Then keeping the baby for herself; it was the worst option. First she’d have all the cons that she also had when putting the baby up for adoption, and then she wouldn’t have been able to go to Julliard either, which she had been wanting since she first started playing the piano. Which left the last option: abortion. A child would never be born, but her future would be secured. At this point of her life, it was more important to care for herself than having to care for another human being. Right now she was just incapable of caring for a child, as rude as that might sound.

I returned the blue clipboard to the reception before returning back to Ash. She was sitting in the chair, staring at her phone like she was ready to text something, but not sure what. As I went to sit down next to her, give a couple of smiles to the other people around us, she didn’t even acknowledge me. I thought it would hurt to take a quick glance at her screen, but what I saw mortified me.

“Don’t you dare text that guy!” I shouted angrily as I grabbed the phone that she had a loose hold on. Everybody in the room turned to look at me, ready to get mad for harassing Ash. But that wasn’t even close to what I was doing.

Ash continued to stare in front of her, where her gaze was when she was still holding the phone, only now her hands were playing with the hem of Jack’s hoodie she was wearing, before whispering to nobody in specific, “maybe he deserves to know.”

“He doesn’t deserve shit!” I answered her directly, just wanting her to look right at me already so I knew she was actually listening, “I’m not letting him manipulate you again, Ash! That guy raped you!”

That seemed to get her attention, because she her head suddenly snapped towards me with tears forming in her eyes, “Not everybody here has to know!”

Well, I just royally fucked up. Ash had given me one more chance after I had failed the first time, and now I was messing it all up again. Did I really have to be that stupid!? Couldn’t I just be normal for once… be like Jack for once. I so badly wanted to be there for her, but I just kept doing the wrong things over and over again.

I sighed, already regretting everything I said so badly, but also knowing I couldn’t let her let him back in her life, “I’m sorry. I just-- I just don’t want him to hurt you again. I already messed up the first time and didn’t help at all, while I really should have, I don’t want him doing all of that again. I won’t be able to live with myself if I see him touch you-- wait, no, do anything to you again. I don’t just have these nightmares for fun. They are just a constant reminder that I should have ran out of the classroom before it was too late. It’s terrifying having to see that image of him dragging you and beating you up almost every single night or when I close my eyes. I will not let any of that happen ever again!”

I had never actually told her what my nightmares were about, but now she knew. She probably knew it had something to do with this whole thing, but now she knew exactly what had been giving me the anxiety attacks at night and what kept me up all the time. All I wanted was for her to say something back to me, but her name was already being called out.

“Do you want me to come with you?” I asked her as she stood up, ready to follow the person. She just shook her head lightly and left without me, leaving her phone in my hands. It was the only proof I needed to know she didn’t want me around anymore, that I had used up my second chance.

Fuck.

“She’s not mad at you, she just needs to do this by herself. Trust me, with what you just said, a girl will not just give up on you,” the woman across the room said, looking up from the magazine she was browsing through before. I had no idea how she seemed so calm, because Ash definitely wasn’t anything like that.

I shook my head, letting out a loud breath, “I don’t think so. I just keep on doing the wrong things and saying the wrong words.”

“At least you’re trying, and that’s the main thing,” another lady said, somebody who wasn’t as calm as the one before, “She might not show it right now, but she really needs you. Just like you, she doesn’t know what to say. All you guys have to do is stay patient with each other and be there for each other. Trust me, you are a good boyfriend.”

“Oh, no, I’m not her boyfriend,” I mumbled. As much as I wished I was, there was no way that was ever going to happen. She’d be much better off with somebody like Jack anyway.

“Well, then you’re a very very good friend. There are so many people who wouldn’t even try.”

---

I decided to leave Ash be for the remainder of the time; I understood that she needed sometime alone. However, later that night, when I decided to go to and sleep, I saw Ash sitting on her bed with her legs up to her chest, her arms wrapped tightly around herself, just staring blankly at the empty white wall in front of her. I knocked lightly on the door to ask if I could come in, but she didn’t move.

I just decided to step in and ask her, “how are you doing? Are the cramps bad?”

She nodded at the last question and decided to look at me, showing her tear stained face. It broke my heart to see her like this. I had no idea how hard this must have been on her, but I knew it couldn’t be fun and easy at all. She looked so conflicted, confused, and most of all grief-stricken.

I decided to softly close the door behind me and climb onto the bed beside her, kissing her shoulder as I sat in a similar position. She never deserved to have things like this happen to her. But yet, the tears now turned into her crying into her hands and I wrapped my arms around her shaking body. This wasn’t how her life was supposed to go. She was the perfect girl, supposed to have the perfect life. But now she seemed so broken, like she would never recover.

“It’s ok,” I whispered. I wasn’t sure what I was telling her was ok, but I knew I needed to comfort her. It was ok to cry, it was ok to be upset, and at one point she’d be ok with what happened, but not yet, not just yet.

“No it’s not,” she hiccuped, looking right at me before scooting up against her headboard, waiting for me to join her, “it’s never going to be ok. All of this is going to haunt me forever. Although it might also be true, I don’t mean being afraid and having the feeling like I made the wrong decision. I mean that nobody’s ever going to want me!”

“That’s not true, Ash,” I whispered, her words killing me inside. Was she really afraid everybody was going to detest her?

“Who want’s a girl that’s been raped and had an abortion? Nobody does. I’ve been used, nobody likes that. People think it’s disgusting killing a child’s life before it’s even born, no matter what the circumstances. It is true. No matter what I do, people will always find a reason why they should hate me just because of the events that occurred the last couple of weeks. I never wanted anything to happen like this, but now I’ve gotta deal with the consequences. Nobody’s ever going to love a shy kid; nobody’s ever going to love somebody who’s been used and touched; nobody’s ever going to love… to love a murderer!”

“Ash, no!” I interrupted before she could go any further. I would never let her think this lowly of herself, no matter why she thought it, “You’re none of those. Well, you’re shy, but you’ve always been, and that isn’t a bad thing, ok? You’ve got people like Jack, and people who just like to be reserved. Nothing’s wrong with that. And of course you’re going to find somebody who will love you forever and ever. It might not happen in the next couple of months, but one day you’ll just find them there. It doesn’t even necessarily have to be a romantic partner, it can even be a very good friend. I know for a fact Jack loves you as a friend and I… I do to, ok?

'If you still don’t believe me, let me tell you a story. Just like you did when you helped me out with my anxiety for the first time. You were there for me then, now I’m here for you now. So, I had a friend awhile back, he was a senior, just like we are right now -- I might have been a sophomore at the time, or just about the start my junior year. He had this amazing best friend who he loved so much. She didn’t know how much, though. One day something similar happened to the girl, and she was just as afraid as you are. The guy wanted to love her more than anything, just tell her, hold her, and kiss her, but he was afraid too. He didn’t want to hurt his best friend… he was too afraid she didn’t trust him…”

“What did he do?” Ash looked at me, drying the last tears off her face. It was weird how short stories could just change somebody’s mood like that, but I had experienced it first handedly.

“Nothing,” I sighed with a shrug, wondering if Ash knew this was about us, and not actually about somebody else, “He stayed her friend, but that was all.”

“That’s just stupid!” Ash exclaimed, getting mad at the ‘fictional’ character that I played off as my friend, “if he knew that she was afraid that nobody would ever love her, then he should have told her! I’m pretty sure she would have been so happy to hear the words. And I call bullshit on her not trusting him. If he had managed to stay her friend throughout it all, why would he think she doesn’t trust him? Isn’t it obvious she was keeping him around because he was one of the only people she trusted!”

Her face was covered in a red blush after she finished her rant. It was amazing to see how passionate she was about it, throwing all her emotion and anger into it. I just stared at her and took her in, “do you trust me?”

She calmed down within a second, giving me a serious look that seemed so curious, “yeah.”

I lent forward and let our lips touch in a soft movement. This wasn’t about forcing her into anything, I just wanted to do what she wanted the guy in my story to desperately do. She didn’t back away, but didn’t start kissing me back straight away either. But soon, she realised what I was doing, and let our lips mold together. Her breathing was calm and warm against my cheek as I dared to bring a hand to her neck for more support. I needed to show her how much I cared, and I decided to do it through this one kiss. Stay calm, but show her you care. With how fast my heart was beating, I was surprised how secure my actions were, like my body had gone in autopilot, knowing exactly what to do and what not to do around Ash. I wished it was always like this.

Feeling more comfortable and like I was doing the right thing, I deepened the kiss just slightly. My body sat more up straight, wanting to be closer to her. I knew I was not going to let this go any further than this; kissing was where it was at. Yet, my body wanted to find a way in which it was much more comfortable, so without me knowing, I was going to hover over her. Big mistake. She pushed me off as fast as she could, looking at me with wide and terrified eyes.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that!” I started rambling, a blush creeping up on my face in embarrassment, “I should have asked first, you probably didn’t want me to--”

Before I couldn’t finish freaking out and reassessing all my life choices, she had gone to straddle me instead, starting the kiss once again. My hands slowly grazed her hips, afraid to break it all off with the wrong action like I did before. Our breathing was significantly calm, calmer than it had ever been. I thought that this was it, this was us being good again, but Ash pulled away one last time.

“Sorry, you probably don’t want me sitting on you… with all the blood and stuff…” she muttered, already afraid of my reaction and starting to move off me.

“No, it’s completely ok,” I shook my head and place my hand on her cheek, leaning up to connect our lips once again.

Notes

So... are you guys happy? I hope so.
I had this chapter written before I went on vacation and it hurt my soul not being able to post it sooner... It would have meant that you guys would have had to wait much much longer for a new chapter than you have done now. I hope the content of this chapter makes it up for that, though.
Oh, and look at that! It's the first real kiss from the perspective of the guy instead of the OC! That's a total new thing for me xD