sold my soul to the open road
running away from you and me
Happy.
That was the first thing I felt when I woke up a few hours later with Alex next to me. His arms wrapped tightly around my middle, his body was curled around mine in a way that made me tingle all over in remembrance of everything that happened earlier that morning. The smile on my face felt permanent as I closed my eyes again, trying to memorize every aspect of the moment. With our legs tangled together and his face nuzzled into the back of my neck, it was all but perfect.
I managed to wiggle around in Alex’s stubborn hold to face him. The late morning sunlight spilling in through the blinds slanted across his face, illuminating the stubble that shadowed his jaw. His lids shielded his perfect eyes from view, his eyelashes nearly skimming his cheekbones. His hair was in complete disarray, but it only made him look more adorable in sleep, and I couldn’t resist reaching up and brushing his fringe out of his eyes. He stirred when I touched his face, waking from whatever dream he’d been having. I bit my lip in attempts to stifle my grin, and I wondered what I had ever done in my life to deserve his love.
Alex’s eyes remained closed but he hummed contently, ever-so-slightly tightening his arms around me. I relished the feeling of being held, especially by him.
“Morning,” he whispered with his lips against my forehead as he idly drug his fingers up and down my back. I could’ve purred.
“Morning yourself,” I whispered back, snuggling deeper into him.
“I can’t believe I’m waking up next to you,” he murmured. I smiled widely, lifting my head from his chest to meet his eyes.
“Me either.” He kissed me, his lips lingering on mine for a few seconds before he pulled away, nudging my nose with his. We were both quiet for a while, and eventually I let my eyes slip closed again. I listened to the steady, slow sound of our breathing, and felt Alex’s touch, gentle and absolutely perfect.
All of a sudden I was overcome with an enveloping wave of happiness. This-- lying in bed, curled into Alex, loving him and knowing, feeling that he loved me back-- was what I’d wanted for years. I felt almost like I was dreaming, like I would wake up any moment to find that the past few hours never happened. But they had happened, and it wasn’t a dream, and that fact made me want to climb on my roof and shout my happiness to the whole neighborhood, to the whole city.
I hadn’t even realized I was crying until I felt Alex’s fingers on my face, brushing the happy tears away. I opened my eyes again to Alex frowning, eyebrows furrowed in concern.
“I’m okay,” I said before he could ask, covering his hand with mine. “I’m just happy.”
Alex visibly relaxed. “Good,” he said, looking at me intently. “Because this is what I want.” Another happy tear fell at his words. “This is all I’ve wanted for so long, and I’m not letting go for anything.”
I was taken aback a bit by his sudden honesty, not sure how to respond. I gave him a watery smile as the hand that was on my face interlocked with mine. “I love you, Alex,” I managed, meaning those three words more than I ever had before.
“I love you too,” he responded, pressing his lips to mine again, smiling against my mouth. We broke apart and I tucked my face against his neck, sighing contently. “Shay?”
“Hmm?”
“Come on tour with me.”
I pulled my face away from his neck and looked up at him sadly, biting my bottom lip.
“Alex…”
“I know, but before you say no, just hear me out,” he said, a newfound eagerness evident on his face.
I sighed, unwilling to disappoint him again, but I knew that what he wanted couldn’t happen, even if I wanted to go with him just as badly. “Alex, we’ve talked about this. My mom--”
“I know, you’re mom would never go for it. But you never even asked her. How do you know she won’t surprise you? She might be perfectly fine with it,” Alex rambled.
I just shook my head. “Alex, you know my mom enough to know that that’s not gonna happen. Even if it were possible, it would take weeks of carefully planned coercion and nagging techniques. Trying to convince her 24 hours beforehand would never work,” I reasoned mournfully, cupping his cheek with my free hand. “Believe me, Alex, I wish I could come just as much as you do, maybe even more, but I just really don’t see it happening at this point.”
I looked at him apologetically, but he still didn’t waver, ever persistent as he went on, “What if I got my mom to talk to your mom about it? They get along really well, always have, plus she might be more willing to accept it as a possibility if she was hearing the proposition from another parent.”
I stayed silent, considering Alex’s idea as he watched me patiently, waiting for my thoughts on it. The way he explained it, it did seem possible, but only just. “Maybe… I don’t know, Alex.”
“Shay, it was already gonna be hard going on tour without you before, but now it’s gonna be damn near impossible,” he said, sitting up slightly and looking down at me earnestly. “What’s wrong with just asking? I mean, the worst thing that she could do is say no, right?”
I sighed, looking up into his beautiful, ardent eyes, and I knew that I couldn’t say no to him. “Okay, fine,” I conceded. “We’ll ask, but I can’t promise anything.”
A bright smile split across Alex’s face, and I could see the excitement already building in his eyes. “Thank you,” he sighed, tucking a piece of hair away from my eyes. “It’s just--” he paused, frowning at a spot next to my head, hesitating a moment before he continued. “I just got you. I can’t imagine leaving you behind now,” he murmured. My heart swelled.
“I know,” I replied, sitting up as well. “I feel the same way. Besides, what the hell else am I supposed to do all summer without you guys?” I laughed, but it was the truth. Literally all my friends were spending the summer away from Baltimore. How was I supposed to keep myself occupied for nearly two months without them?
“Well, hopefully you won’t have to find out,” said Alex, playing with my fingers lazily. I stared at our hands, watching our fingers tumble over and through each other, as I tried to wrap my head around the situation at hand.
Alex and I were finally together; he was mine, and fuck it if I wasn’t 150% his. I used to stay up at night, wishing that he was in the bed next to me, and just imagining what being with him for real would be like. But now I knew, none of that held a candle to the real thing. At that moment, I was happier than I had been in years. After so long, I finally had everything I’d wanted so badly. And I’d be damned if I let tour take it away from me.
“What are you thinkin’ about?” Alex asked lightly, pulling me from my thoughts.
I bit my bottom lip but my smile showed through anyway. “Just, how I can’t believe this is happening. I mean, I’ve been in love with you practically ever since we met,” I said timidly, surprised at myself for admitting such a thing. “If you had told little freshman year me that I would be here, with you, right now, I don’t think I would’ve believed it.”
“Why not?” asked Alex, cocking his head to the side, looking genuinely confused.
I smiled self-deprecatingly as I said, “Because you’re you. You’re so incredible and I’m just--”
“Amazing,” Alex cut in, looking at me seriously. “You’re amazing. And talented, and funny, and intelligent, and without a doubt the best person I know.”
My cheeks flushed a deep shade of pink, unsure of how to respond to the compliment. “You’re just saying that,” I mumbled.
“No,” he said firmly, taking my face in both his hands. “I’m not just saying that. I love you so goddamn much, Shay, for everything that you are. You’re not perfect, just like I’m not perfect, but you’re you, and who you are is extraordinary,” he said, a zealous smile on his face as he continued. “If you had told freshman year me that I’d be here right now, I would’ve called you crazy. I didn’t deserve you-- I don’t deserve you. But you love me anyway, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you enough for that.”
Again, I was left not knowing what to say, but I didn’t even have a chance to figure it out before Alex was kissing me, a passionate, fervid kiss that I felt all the way down in my toes. Shivers cascaded down my spine as our lips meshed together, hands grasping tightly at each other.
He rolled over and pulled me on top of him, my legs on either side of his waist. His tongue parted the seam of my lips and his arms circled my torso tightly, holding me against him in a way that made me want to die right there because nothing could ever be better than this.
Gradually I found our mouths becoming greedier, kissing harder and hungrier. And as our breaths grew heavier and more shallow, our hands grew restless, moving and touching freely. I ran my hands over Alex’s bare chest and skimmed my nails lightly over his sculpted torso, smiling when I felt the muscles tense under my hands.
I gasped, suddenly finding myself on my back again with Alex overtop of me, kissing me like the world was going to end, and I kissed back like his mouth would save me from it. Then he pulled away, but before I could complain he pressed his lips to my throat instead. I moaned softly when I felt his teeth at the base of my neck, my whole body erupting in shivers.
“Hey Shay, are you-- OH MY GOD NO.”
Alex started, immediately getting off me and scooting as far to the other side of the bed as he could in panic. I, on the other hand, just groaned in frustration and sat up, holding my comforter against my chest as I glared at the door where my older brother Lawson stood, a hand over his eyes (even though we were both covered by a blanket when he came in so it was completely unnecessary).
“Jesus christ, Lawson,” I said irately. Alex relaxed noticeably when he realized it was just my brother who’d caught us, not my mom. “Learn how to knock, jackass.”
“Geez, sorry. Didn’t know you’d be busy,” he said, dropping his hand from his eyes when he realized we were both covered. He looked confused when he saw Alex next to me. He wagged his finger back and forth between the two of us for a moment, a stupid expression on his face, successfully making Alex even more uncomfortable. “Since when do you guys have--”
“Did you need something, Lawson?” I said, cutting him off.
He looked back and forth between Alex and me and then shook his head as if to clear it, before he said, “Yeah, I’m about to go to Guitar Center to get my acoustic re-strung and I was gonna ask if you wanted to come, but you seem to be otherwise occupied.” He smirked, wiggling his eyebrows obnoxiously. I just groaned again, falling back against my pillow.
“I should probably go soon, actually,” said Alex, making me look over at him and pout.
“Really?”
“Yeah,” he said, chuckling at my crestfallen expression. “My mom is almost definitely wondering where I am at this point. Plus I need to start packing for tour, and so do you.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Alex, I told you I can’t promise that I can come,” I reminded him, but he just grinned at me, pecking my lips briefly before he grabbed his boxers from the floor and pulled them on under the comforter.
“Woah woah woah,” said Lawson, a surprised and bemused look on his face. “You’re going with them on tour?”
“Yes,” said Alex at the same time that I said, “Maybe.” I shot him a look.
“And how do you intend on swinging this with Mom?” he asked, leaning against the doorframe.
“That,” I said, “is a work in progress.”
“Whatever,” Lawson mused. “Anyway, since your boy-toy is leaving, do you want to come with me to the illustrious Center of Guitars?”
I nodded, glancing at the clock. It was almost 11. “Just give me like 20 minutes to get ready,” I said, grabbing the Foo Fighters tshirt off the floor and turning my back to Lawson so I could pull it on before sluggishly getting out of bed.
“Alright, I’ll be downstairs when you’re ready. Alex, always a pleasure” Lawson acknowledged, nodding at him.
“Always,” he said, doing the same.
I sighed deeply once Lawson had closed the door behind him, tugging a hand through my hair. I got a fresh pair of underwear from my dresser and slid them on, before grabbing the ones from last night as well as the clothes I wore to the party and tossing it all in my clothes hamper. I was about to turn around when I felt Alex’s arms wrap around my middle, resting his head on top of mine. He let out a deep breath, sending a bunch of my hair flying in different directions.
“What’s up, buttercup?”
“I don’t wanna gooooo,” he whined, nuzzling his nose against the crown of my head. I let out an uncharacteristic giggle, turning around and taking in his pout.
“I don’t want you to either,” I said, mimicking his tone, as I ran my thumb over his bottom lip that was jutted out dramatically. “I’ll come over to yours later, though, after you’ve finished packing, yeah?”
Alex grinned and planted a kiss on my lips, his mouth lingering on mine until the moment was broken by his phone going off. He groaned and pulled away, looking at the buzzing device.
“It’s my mom,” he said, locking it and slipping it back in his pocket. “I have to go.”
I nodded, pulling him in for one last kiss. “Love you.”
“Love you, too,” he said, sending me a swift smile before he was out the door.
“You’re acting different,” Lawson observed as we walked into Guitar Center.
“I am?” I said, only semi-invested in what my brother was saying as I was hit with the smell of nylon strings and fucking heaven.
“Yeah, you’re like, happy. It’s weird,” he said as we wandered over to the short-ish line at the help desk, Lawson clutching the handle on his guitar case.
I shrugged, the lazy smile that’d been stuck on my face since I woke up still in full effect.
“Just in a good mood, I guess.” I glanced over at my brother, who was watching me with a knowing look on his face. “What?”
“And would this good mood have anything to do with the fact that you had your tongue down your best friend’s throat this morning?”
I cringed at the crudeness of his question. “Gross.”
“Well, does it?” Lawson pushed as the line moved forward.
I just shrugged again, although my smile grew considerably just thinking about the events of the last 12 hours. “I mean… yeah,” I said quietly, my face flushed. Lawson just smirked at me. “What?”
“Nothing,” he said, pressing his lips together to hold back his smile.
I narrowed my eyes at him, but just shook my head and said, “Yeah, okay.”
We waited in silence until it was Lawson’s turn at the desk, at which time I excused myself to go look at guitars. I stared at the wall of electric guitars longingly as I slowly paced back and forth, sometimes reaching out to touch a few of them. Occasionally, if one in particular caught my eye, I would take it off the wall and perch on a stool and play it for a while, eventually having to return it to it’s place. I lost track of time, the instruments taking my mind from a Guitar Center in Towson to somewhere completely different.
I was engrossed, head bowed and eyes closed, in a particularly complex lick on a silver chrome Fender when my brother came to find me, his newly strung acoustic in hand.
“Shay. Shaaaaay,” Lawson repeated, only getting my attention by tapping me on the shoulder. I opened my eyes and looked up, shaking my head to reorient myself.
“Hey, sorry. You done?”
He nodded. “Enjoying yourself?”
I nodded, sighing mournfully as I stood to replace the Fender on the wall. “I want all of them,” I said, letting my fingers glance across the strings one more time before stepping back.
“I know,” Lawson said sympathetically.
“Alright, I’m ready to-- oh my god.” I cut myself off when my eyes caught on one guitar that I had missed, hanging on the far left end of the wall. My feet carried me across the floor to it and if possible, I’m sure there were literal hearts in my eyes as I stared at the instrument.
I heard Lawson come up behind me and let out a low whistle. “That is one beautiful guitar.”
It was an ESP Viper 1000; wine red with black undertones and a glossy finish, it was almost too beautiful to touch. Almost.
My fingers tingled when they wrapped around the mahogany neck, lifting it off the wall. I put my other hand on the bottom to keep it steady and held it out in front of me to look. “This is the most gorgeous guitar I’ve ever seen in my life,” I said, staring at it in awe.
“So get it,” said Lawson. Like it was so easy.
I scoffed, but was still unable to tear my eyes away from the guitar to look at him like he was crazy. “Big brother, this is,” I paused to glance at the price tag, “christ, eight hundred fifty dollars worth of guitar. I don’t have that kind of money.”
“Then I’ll get it for you.”
This time I did look at him like he was crazy. “You definitely don’t have that kind of money.”
“You’re right, I don’t have that kind of money. But I do have this,” he said, holding up a small plastic card.
I narrowed my eyes at it. “Is that mom’s credit card?” I asked. He nodded. “Did you steal mom’s credit card?”
“No I did not steal mom’s credit card. What do I look like to you?” said Lawson, feigning insult. “She gave it to me, to pay for your graduation present.”
“My graduation… no fucking WAY!” I exclaimed once I understood what he meant. “Mom is buying me a guitar?!”
Lawson grinned and nodded. “She gave me a thousand dollar limit,” he said.
My eyes widened, glancing back down at the Viper. “But that means…”
“Yep,” he said, gesturing to the guitar. “It’s yours if you want it.”
I actually squealed, for what was probably the first time in my life, and immediately took off in the direction of the register. The sales associate greeted me amicably and I responded giddily, carefully putting the guitar on the counter as I bounced lightly on the balls of my feet. Lawson caught up to me and handed the cashier Mom’s credit card to pay for it. The cashier gave the card back to him and placed the guitar in its case, handing it to me. I took it, smiling gratefully and thanking him emphatically, before I left the store alongside Lawson.
“So,” said Lawson on the way back home. “What’s this about you going on tour with Alex?”
I sighed, smiling a bit just at the mention of it. “I don’t know, honestly. I mean, I really want to go, obviously, but unless we manage to get Mom on board it’s not gonna happen. Alex said that he was gonna get his mom to talk to her, just so she could hear from another parent who was okay with it, so hopefully that will help,” I explained.
Lawson bobbed his head in understanding as we came to a stop at a red light. “Okay, well in case that fool-proof plan doesn’t work out,”he said sarcastically. “I’ve actually been thinking that you could come up to Boston with me for a while.”
“Really?” I asked, intrigued.
“Yeah. I was just thinking that, you know, in the fall you’re gonna be going to Boston College with me, and even though you’ll be living on campus it would be good for you to get to know the city and be comfortable with it before you start classes. It would be a good way to ease into things, you know?” he explained his reasoning, a hopeful expression on his face. “Plus, it would be great for me to spend some quality time with my little sister.”
“What about Beckett?” I asked, not wanting to put his roommate under any imposition.
“I already asked him and he said he’s cool with it. Plus I think you guys’ll get along really well.”
I smiled at the idea of spending two months in Boston with my brother. He’d started at Boston College two years ago, and had officially moved into his apartment at the beginning of last semester. Needless to say, except for a few weekend visits here and there, I didn’t get to see Lawson much anymore, and I relished the idea of getting two whole months of quality time with him, in my favorite city, no less. I would’ve immediately said yes, were it not for the fact that I’d already promised Alex that I’d join him for tour, sans any objection from my mother.
“That sounds awesome, Laws’, and if tour doesn’t work out then I’d definitely want to. But I already promised Alex and I know he’d be really disappointed if--”
“It’s all good, little sister,” he said, the easy smile on his face letting me know he was sincere. “Like I said, I know you have a previous engagement, but just consider my offer as a back up?”
“Definitely,” I said, returning my brother’s smile.
We were quiet for the rest of the drive home, the only sound from the The Used CD playing from the stereo. It was about 1:30 when we got home, and to both of our surprise, Mom’s car was parked in the driveway-- two factors that rarely, if ever, coincided. I looked at Lawson, but he just shrugged as we both climbed out of the car. I carefully retrieved my new baby from the backseat, nearly cradling the case in my arms as we made our way inside.
“Hey Mom,” Lawson and I chorused when we found her sitting at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, frowning back and forth from her laptop and a mess of case files spread across the surface. She broke away from her work and smiled at the pair of us.
“Hey guys,” she said cheerily, shutting her laptop halfway and getting up from her seat. She pulled both of us into a quick hug. “I see you were able to pick out a present,” she said, nodding at the guitar case clutched tightly in my hands.
I nodded, grinning widely. “Thank you so, so much, by the way.”
“Of course, sweetie. You earned it,” she said, rubbing my arm warmly.
With that, I left her and Lawson in the kitchen to go put my guitar in my room. I set the case down on my bed and carefully lifted the instrument from it. I took my Fender off the stand in the corner of my room and put the Viper in its place. Then I put the empty case and the Fender in it’s case in my closet before venturing back downstairs.
My brother was in the middle of making lunch, and idly discussing some story from the news with Mom. I maneuvered around Lawson to take some leftover pizza from a few nights ago out of the fridge to heat up for my own lunch. As I put the pizza on a plate and into the microwave, I noticed a lull in the conversation and took the opportunity to ask, “So Mom, why are you home so early?”
“Well Isobel asked if I wanted to get an early lunch, and then I figured that since I’ve been staying so late at the office lately it would be nice to work from home for the rest of today.”
I nodded vaguely, my ears perking up at the mention of Alex’s mom. “Oh, that’s nice. How is she doing?” I asked, not wanting to jump in with the question I was dying to ask immediately.
“She’s doing well,” Mom responded, all while typing away madly at her laptop. Then she paused, and looked right at me as she said, “She was telling me all about this tour the boys are leaving for tomorrow.”
I nodded lightly, trying to appear only mildly interested, although I didn’t miss the side glance Lawson shot in my direction. “Oh?”
“Yes, and don’t try to act so coy with me, Shayley. I know all of this was your idea,” she said accusingly, although I could tell she was half-joking, a fact for which I was relieved.
I smiled innocently, fidgeting nervously as I was already bracing myself for the no.
“Technically it was Alex’s idea first.”
“I’m sure it was.” She shook her head with a chuckle, and I felt reassured that she was taking the whole thing so lightly. “In any case, because I’m sure you’ve been wondering, I’ve made my decision.”
“Really?!” I asked excitedly, then paused, cleared my throat, and said, much calmer this time, “Really? And uh, w-what would that be exactly?”
“Well, I’m not exactly in love with the idea, but Isobel told me everything and assured me that it’s all very above board,” she said, a reticent smile on her face.
My eyes widened in surprise, and out of the corner of my eye I noticed that Lawson’s did too. Was she really saying yes? “So, is that a yes?”
She sighed, as if to say I know I’ll regret this, and said, “Yes, it is. But I expect you to check-in as often as you can, and I’ll want to talk to you on the phone at least once a day, and I want regular updates on when you leave and arrive to each city.”
I squealed for the second time that day and crossed the kitchen in half a second to attack my mom in a hug. “Thank you thank you THANK YOU!” I exclaimed, making her laugh at my enthusiastic response.
“You’re welcome. You better get packing. Isobel said you’re leaving first thing in the morning.”
I nodded giddily as I pulled back. “I’m just gonna go tell Alex,” I said, wasting no time in running out the front door to tell him the good news.
I was literally bouncing when I came to a stop at his door, ringing the doorbell. It was opened a few moments later to reveal a smiling Isobel Gaskarth. “Oh, Shay! It’s so good to see you dear,” she said, pulling me into a quick hug.
I reciprocated her greeting before rushing on. “Is Alex here?”
She shook her head. “No, he actually left about two hours ago. Can I give him a message for you?”
“Actually if you can tell me where he is I can just go meet up with him,” I said, figuring he just went over to Jack’s. “Do you know where he went?”
Isobel nodded. “I think I heard him say something about going to see Lisa.”
The giddy smile on my face dropped, and every muscle in my body tensed at the mention of her name. An uneasy feeling was stirring in the pit of my stomach almost immediately.
Isobel must have noticed my sudden change in mood, because she frowned, tipping her head in concern just like Alex did. “Everything alright?”
I nodded, although I wasn’t entirely sure. “You’re sure he said Lisa?” I asked, wringing my hands nervously.
“Yes, I think so. He seemed to be in a rush and I didn’t catch all of it, but I did hear her name.”
“Oh, well, okay,” I said, feeling all of my excitement from just a few minutes ago leak out of me like air from a balloon. “Thank you, Isobel,” I said, mustering up a smile as we said our goodbyes and I turned to leave.
As I crossed the street back to my house, my thoughts were racing five million miles an hour. Why would Alex go to Lisa’s house the day after they broke up? And especially after everything that had happened between us in the last twelve hours, and everything that she said to me? What reason could he possibly have to see her? And why wouldn’t he tell me? Unless… had Alex lied to me last night? Had they really not broken up? No, Alex would never lie to me like that, especially not about something like this.
“You’re being ridiculous, Walker,” I mumbled to myself as I climbed the stairs to my room. Alex didn’t lie, period. Especially not to me. Him and his mom probably just got their wires crossed. He was probably just on the phone with Jack telling him about Lisa, and that was what his mom had heard. He was just at Jack’s.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialled Jack’s number, my leg bouncing nervously as I waited for him to answer.
“Hey Shay, what’s up?”
“Hey Jack. Is Alex there?” I said, trying to sound normal.
“Yeah, he’s here,” he said.
My shoulders deflated as I heaved a sigh of relief, falling back against my bed. “Okay, awesome. Is it cool if I come over? I need to tell him something.”
“Yeah, you know you’re always welcome at Casa de Jack,” he said. “But you might just want to call him or something instead, cause Lisa’s here.”
I shot back up from the bed, my relief fleeing faster than it had appeared. The uneasiness I had felt earlier had evolved to horrible, biting dread.
So Alex really had gone to see Lisa. And he didn’t just go for a little while and leave; they both went to Jack’s together. Why was he spending so much time with her? And why wasn’t he telling me about it?
“Shay? Everything alright?” Jack asked, and I realized I still hadn’t responded to what he said.
“Uh, yeah, I’m fine. I just, uh, I have to go,” I rushed out, snapping my phone shut.
I started pacing back and forth in front of my bed, trying my best to think rationally and piece together the situation in a way that made sense. But no matter how hard I tried the only thing I could think was, Alex was lying to me.
I shook my head; Alex wouldn’t do that. He just wouldn’t. This had to be some sort of huge misunderstanding. I just needed to talk to him, face to face, and clear all of this up.
I thought about going to Jack’s, but if he was right and Lisa was there, I didn’t want to be around her. Not after last night. Besides, if I was going on tour tomorrow I needed to start packing. It would be better if I just met up with him later.
I opened my phone and texted Alex, asking him to meet me at the playground at eight pm that night. That gave me a little less than six hours to wait.
And they were the slowest six hours of my life. Packing ended up only taking about two hours, so the other four found me desperately trying to find something to pass the time. I tried reading, watching tv, even playing my new Viper, but I couldn’t focus on anything but Alex.
I finally left to walk to the playground at 7:45, and got there at eight on the dot. Alex wasn’t there yet, but he was notorious for being late, so I figured he would be there soon. I sat down on one of the swings and waited.
I looked around idly at my surroundings, smiling at all of the memories that came to mind, like when Alex first told me about this really cool kid named Jack, who he was going to start a band with. Or the time he called me because he was drunk off his ass, and had wandered from a party to the playground. He had been fucking around on the monkey bars, and ended up falling and breaking his ankle. And when I got there he refused to let me take him to the hospital until the next morning because he didn’t want to get in trouble for being drunk.
Or the time in eighth grade when we’d tried weed for the first time, and we couldn’t stop laughing about something, and we ended up on the ground and he was about two seconds away from kissing me when a call from Jack broke the moment. I was mad at him for a week afterwards.
I smiled, the distant memory reminding me again of last night. I thought about how surreal it felt, almost like I was watching it happen and living it at the same time. My brain zeroed in on a moment, the moment right after I had come apart in his arms, tangled up in the sheets and in each other.
Suddenly and without my permission, a new image flashed in my head, taking the place of me and Alex. It was him and Lisa, not having sex, not even kissing, just sitting together on the couch in his living room. She was sitting with her legs in his lap and his arm was wrapped around her back. It was an image I’d seen in real life countless times, but never had it caused such a feeling of terrible jealousy and anger and sadness as it did right then. I blinked fast in attempts to hold back tears that threatened to fall, but they did anyway.
Last night, I’d felt like all the years waiting for something that I was sure wouldn’t happen, waiting for Alex, had finally paid off. But now, as I sat on the swing and Alex’s absence seemed to overtake the air around me, as the minutes I spent waiting for him passed into an hour, I couldn’t seem to find that feeling again, no matter how hard I tried. And I had a horrible but overwhelming inclination that I would never have it again.
I wanted so badly to believe that it was just a misunderstanding, that I didn’t have the whole story. After all, I had no reason to believe that Alex would lie to me, especially now and especially about this. But the dread in stomach had only gotten worse since that morning, and as the clock ticked past 9:30 and there was still no sign of him, the writing on the wall was getting almost too hard to ignore.
I wiped away the tears that were flowing freely now, and checked my phone for the tenth time since I’d gotten to the park. Still no word from Alex; I hadn’t heard anything from him since he agreed to meet me, which was also unlike him.
As much as I didn’t want to accept it, everything that’d happened today made it clear that Alex was keeping something from me. And after nearly seven years of telling each other everything, it hurt more than I could put into words.
By the time ten o’clock rolled around, I decided that there was no point in waiting for someone who wasn’t going to show. Feeling more than defeated, I rose from the swingset and began the walk home, wrapping my arms around my torso.
I was suddenly feeling very cold.
When I turned onto my block, I couldn’t help myself from glancing at Alex’s house. I stopped when I noticed his car in the driveway. He’d been home this whole fucking time?
Anger overtook every other emotion I was feeling; my fingers curled viciously into my palms and I felt all my blood rush to my face. Suddenly my feet were carrying me across the street towards his house; I felt not unlike a bull charging at a matador.
I was almost in his front yard when the front door opened. I half expected (and hoped) it to be Alex, coming to explain everything. But the person who came out instead made my blood go from boiling to white hot.
At first I thought she hadn’t noticed me, and I could turn around and go home with what was left of my dignity. But my last bit of hope bounded just out of reach when I heard her sickly sweet voice.
“Did you need something?” The satisfaction in her voice made me want to make fists in her hair and pull as hard as I could.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I asked, trying to maintain my equilibrium.
“I’m afraid I can’t divulge that little bit of information,” Lisa drawled. “After all, a lady doesn’t kiss and tell.”
I told myself that she was just trying to get under my skin, but that didn’t stop the hot tear that fell. “What did I ever do to you?”
She opened her mouth to make what probably would’ve been a very scathing remark, but she was interrupted by the door opening again.
“Yeah Mom, I got it.”
It was Alex. I panicked, immediately turning and running back across the street. When my hand was on the doorknob I thought I heard him call my name, but I was inside with the door locked behind me before he could come after me.
I was crying all over again as I ascended the stairs, making a beeline for my room. I slid down the door and hugged my legs to my chest, sobbing into my knees.
A few feet away from me, I saw the Foo Fighters tshirt, lying in a crumpled heap next to the bed, and it made me think back to that morning. All of the things he said, the way he was looking at me, the way he kissed me...
A new, bigger wave of anger crashed over me and I through the closest object to me, my phone, at the opposite wall with aggressive force. But the exertion provided little to no catharsis as I watched it fall to the ground in pieces. I groaned. Fucking perfect.
God, how could I have been so incredibly naive to think that he actually wanted me? He’d just used me, used me and lied to me. And while it hurt like hell, it also scared me. Because the Alex I knew would never do that.
The person who was currently across the street from me may have looked just like my best friend, but he was gone. And I was scared that I was never going to see him again.
I calmed down after a while and got to my feet. I left my room and went across the hall to knock on my brother’s door. He frowned when he saw me, eyebrows pulling together in concern. “Shay, is everything--”
“I want to go to Boston with you.”
He tilted his head in confusion, in a way that reminded me so much of Alex it hurt. “What about tour?”
“Change of plans,” I said simply, hastily wiping another tear away.
Lawson still looked worried, but I guess decided against pushing me and nodded. “Alright. Yeah, of course. Our flight is tomorrow night, so--”
“Can we leave tomorrow morning? Please?” I said, wishing the urgency in my voice wasn’t so obvious.
“Well, I don’t know. I can call the airport and see if I can switch my flight, but I’m not sure.”
“I don’t mind if we have to wait at the airport all day, I just don’t want to be here anymore.”
He nodded, looking even more worried. “Okay, yeah, I guess that’d be fine,” he said.
“Thank you. I’ll see you in the morning,” I said, turning to go back to my room.
“Shay, wait,” called Lawson, taking a couple steps out of his room. “What’s wrong?”
Maybe it was because he was the first person to ask that all day, or maybe it just because it was him, but when said those two words it was like the floodgates broke. My shoulders caved in and I let out a choked, unyielding sob.
Lawson rushed forward and pulled me into a hug, rubbing my back comfortingly. I tucked my face against his shoulder and wet his tshirt with tears, letting out everything I’d been holding back since I first talked to Isobel that morning. The both of us just stood there for a while, me shaking and him holding me, until my crying subsided.
He pressed a kiss to my temple and pulled back, giving me a sympathetic smile and brushing some of the tears from under my eyes. “He’s an ass.” I frowned, confused. “Alex. He’s an ass for doing whatever he did to hurt you.”
I laughed bitterly. “Yeah, that’s one word for it.”
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
I shook my head. “Not really. Not right now, anyway.”
Lawson pursed his lips and squeezed my hand, concern returning briefly to his face. “Are you gonna be okay?”
I nodded, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. “Yeah, eventually.”
“Okay, if you’re sure. I’ll see you in the morning, yeah?”
“Yeah,” I said, mustering up my best smile for him before I turned and retreated the rest of the way to my room.
We left early the next morning, early enough that we didn’t run into Alex on the way out. I had taken pretty much all of my clothes with me, except for one tshirt. I left the Foo Fighters shirt folded neatly on my bed for him to find when he eventually came looking for me, and I left a note with four words scribbled on it.
have a good life
That was the first thing I felt when I woke up a few hours later with Alex next to me. His arms wrapped tightly around my middle, his body was curled around mine in a way that made me tingle all over in remembrance of everything that happened earlier that morning. The smile on my face felt permanent as I closed my eyes again, trying to memorize every aspect of the moment. With our legs tangled together and his face nuzzled into the back of my neck, it was all but perfect.
I managed to wiggle around in Alex’s stubborn hold to face him. The late morning sunlight spilling in through the blinds slanted across his face, illuminating the stubble that shadowed his jaw. His lids shielded his perfect eyes from view, his eyelashes nearly skimming his cheekbones. His hair was in complete disarray, but it only made him look more adorable in sleep, and I couldn’t resist reaching up and brushing his fringe out of his eyes. He stirred when I touched his face, waking from whatever dream he’d been having. I bit my lip in attempts to stifle my grin, and I wondered what I had ever done in my life to deserve his love.
Alex’s eyes remained closed but he hummed contently, ever-so-slightly tightening his arms around me. I relished the feeling of being held, especially by him.
“Morning,” he whispered with his lips against my forehead as he idly drug his fingers up and down my back. I could’ve purred.
“Morning yourself,” I whispered back, snuggling deeper into him.
“I can’t believe I’m waking up next to you,” he murmured. I smiled widely, lifting my head from his chest to meet his eyes.
“Me either.” He kissed me, his lips lingering on mine for a few seconds before he pulled away, nudging my nose with his. We were both quiet for a while, and eventually I let my eyes slip closed again. I listened to the steady, slow sound of our breathing, and felt Alex’s touch, gentle and absolutely perfect.
All of a sudden I was overcome with an enveloping wave of happiness. This-- lying in bed, curled into Alex, loving him and knowing, feeling that he loved me back-- was what I’d wanted for years. I felt almost like I was dreaming, like I would wake up any moment to find that the past few hours never happened. But they had happened, and it wasn’t a dream, and that fact made me want to climb on my roof and shout my happiness to the whole neighborhood, to the whole city.
I hadn’t even realized I was crying until I felt Alex’s fingers on my face, brushing the happy tears away. I opened my eyes again to Alex frowning, eyebrows furrowed in concern.
“I’m okay,” I said before he could ask, covering his hand with mine. “I’m just happy.”
Alex visibly relaxed. “Good,” he said, looking at me intently. “Because this is what I want.” Another happy tear fell at his words. “This is all I’ve wanted for so long, and I’m not letting go for anything.”
I was taken aback a bit by his sudden honesty, not sure how to respond. I gave him a watery smile as the hand that was on my face interlocked with mine. “I love you, Alex,” I managed, meaning those three words more than I ever had before.
“I love you too,” he responded, pressing his lips to mine again, smiling against my mouth. We broke apart and I tucked my face against his neck, sighing contently. “Shay?”
“Hmm?”
“Come on tour with me.”
I pulled my face away from his neck and looked up at him sadly, biting my bottom lip.
“Alex…”
“I know, but before you say no, just hear me out,” he said, a newfound eagerness evident on his face.
I sighed, unwilling to disappoint him again, but I knew that what he wanted couldn’t happen, even if I wanted to go with him just as badly. “Alex, we’ve talked about this. My mom--”
“I know, you’re mom would never go for it. But you never even asked her. How do you know she won’t surprise you? She might be perfectly fine with it,” Alex rambled.
I just shook my head. “Alex, you know my mom enough to know that that’s not gonna happen. Even if it were possible, it would take weeks of carefully planned coercion and nagging techniques. Trying to convince her 24 hours beforehand would never work,” I reasoned mournfully, cupping his cheek with my free hand. “Believe me, Alex, I wish I could come just as much as you do, maybe even more, but I just really don’t see it happening at this point.”
I looked at him apologetically, but he still didn’t waver, ever persistent as he went on, “What if I got my mom to talk to your mom about it? They get along really well, always have, plus she might be more willing to accept it as a possibility if she was hearing the proposition from another parent.”
I stayed silent, considering Alex’s idea as he watched me patiently, waiting for my thoughts on it. The way he explained it, it did seem possible, but only just. “Maybe… I don’t know, Alex.”
“Shay, it was already gonna be hard going on tour without you before, but now it’s gonna be damn near impossible,” he said, sitting up slightly and looking down at me earnestly. “What’s wrong with just asking? I mean, the worst thing that she could do is say no, right?”
I sighed, looking up into his beautiful, ardent eyes, and I knew that I couldn’t say no to him. “Okay, fine,” I conceded. “We’ll ask, but I can’t promise anything.”
A bright smile split across Alex’s face, and I could see the excitement already building in his eyes. “Thank you,” he sighed, tucking a piece of hair away from my eyes. “It’s just--” he paused, frowning at a spot next to my head, hesitating a moment before he continued. “I just got you. I can’t imagine leaving you behind now,” he murmured. My heart swelled.
“I know,” I replied, sitting up as well. “I feel the same way. Besides, what the hell else am I supposed to do all summer without you guys?” I laughed, but it was the truth. Literally all my friends were spending the summer away from Baltimore. How was I supposed to keep myself occupied for nearly two months without them?
“Well, hopefully you won’t have to find out,” said Alex, playing with my fingers lazily. I stared at our hands, watching our fingers tumble over and through each other, as I tried to wrap my head around the situation at hand.
Alex and I were finally together; he was mine, and fuck it if I wasn’t 150% his. I used to stay up at night, wishing that he was in the bed next to me, and just imagining what being with him for real would be like. But now I knew, none of that held a candle to the real thing. At that moment, I was happier than I had been in years. After so long, I finally had everything I’d wanted so badly. And I’d be damned if I let tour take it away from me.
“What are you thinkin’ about?” Alex asked lightly, pulling me from my thoughts.
I bit my bottom lip but my smile showed through anyway. “Just, how I can’t believe this is happening. I mean, I’ve been in love with you practically ever since we met,” I said timidly, surprised at myself for admitting such a thing. “If you had told little freshman year me that I would be here, with you, right now, I don’t think I would’ve believed it.”
“Why not?” asked Alex, cocking his head to the side, looking genuinely confused.
I smiled self-deprecatingly as I said, “Because you’re you. You’re so incredible and I’m just--”
“Amazing,” Alex cut in, looking at me seriously. “You’re amazing. And talented, and funny, and intelligent, and without a doubt the best person I know.”
My cheeks flushed a deep shade of pink, unsure of how to respond to the compliment. “You’re just saying that,” I mumbled.
“No,” he said firmly, taking my face in both his hands. “I’m not just saying that. I love you so goddamn much, Shay, for everything that you are. You’re not perfect, just like I’m not perfect, but you’re you, and who you are is extraordinary,” he said, a zealous smile on his face as he continued. “If you had told freshman year me that I’d be here right now, I would’ve called you crazy. I didn’t deserve you-- I don’t deserve you. But you love me anyway, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you enough for that.”
Again, I was left not knowing what to say, but I didn’t even have a chance to figure it out before Alex was kissing me, a passionate, fervid kiss that I felt all the way down in my toes. Shivers cascaded down my spine as our lips meshed together, hands grasping tightly at each other.
He rolled over and pulled me on top of him, my legs on either side of his waist. His tongue parted the seam of my lips and his arms circled my torso tightly, holding me against him in a way that made me want to die right there because nothing could ever be better than this.
Gradually I found our mouths becoming greedier, kissing harder and hungrier. And as our breaths grew heavier and more shallow, our hands grew restless, moving and touching freely. I ran my hands over Alex’s bare chest and skimmed my nails lightly over his sculpted torso, smiling when I felt the muscles tense under my hands.
I gasped, suddenly finding myself on my back again with Alex overtop of me, kissing me like the world was going to end, and I kissed back like his mouth would save me from it. Then he pulled away, but before I could complain he pressed his lips to my throat instead. I moaned softly when I felt his teeth at the base of my neck, my whole body erupting in shivers.
“Hey Shay, are you-- OH MY GOD NO.”
Alex started, immediately getting off me and scooting as far to the other side of the bed as he could in panic. I, on the other hand, just groaned in frustration and sat up, holding my comforter against my chest as I glared at the door where my older brother Lawson stood, a hand over his eyes (even though we were both covered by a blanket when he came in so it was completely unnecessary).
“Jesus christ, Lawson,” I said irately. Alex relaxed noticeably when he realized it was just my brother who’d caught us, not my mom. “Learn how to knock, jackass.”
“Geez, sorry. Didn’t know you’d be busy,” he said, dropping his hand from his eyes when he realized we were both covered. He looked confused when he saw Alex next to me. He wagged his finger back and forth between the two of us for a moment, a stupid expression on his face, successfully making Alex even more uncomfortable. “Since when do you guys have--”
“Did you need something, Lawson?” I said, cutting him off.
He looked back and forth between Alex and me and then shook his head as if to clear it, before he said, “Yeah, I’m about to go to Guitar Center to get my acoustic re-strung and I was gonna ask if you wanted to come, but you seem to be otherwise occupied.” He smirked, wiggling his eyebrows obnoxiously. I just groaned again, falling back against my pillow.
“I should probably go soon, actually,” said Alex, making me look over at him and pout.
“Really?”
“Yeah,” he said, chuckling at my crestfallen expression. “My mom is almost definitely wondering where I am at this point. Plus I need to start packing for tour, and so do you.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Alex, I told you I can’t promise that I can come,” I reminded him, but he just grinned at me, pecking my lips briefly before he grabbed his boxers from the floor and pulled them on under the comforter.
“Woah woah woah,” said Lawson, a surprised and bemused look on his face. “You’re going with them on tour?”
“Yes,” said Alex at the same time that I said, “Maybe.” I shot him a look.
“And how do you intend on swinging this with Mom?” he asked, leaning against the doorframe.
“That,” I said, “is a work in progress.”
“Whatever,” Lawson mused. “Anyway, since your boy-toy is leaving, do you want to come with me to the illustrious Center of Guitars?”
I nodded, glancing at the clock. It was almost 11. “Just give me like 20 minutes to get ready,” I said, grabbing the Foo Fighters tshirt off the floor and turning my back to Lawson so I could pull it on before sluggishly getting out of bed.
“Alright, I’ll be downstairs when you’re ready. Alex, always a pleasure” Lawson acknowledged, nodding at him.
“Always,” he said, doing the same.
I sighed deeply once Lawson had closed the door behind him, tugging a hand through my hair. I got a fresh pair of underwear from my dresser and slid them on, before grabbing the ones from last night as well as the clothes I wore to the party and tossing it all in my clothes hamper. I was about to turn around when I felt Alex’s arms wrap around my middle, resting his head on top of mine. He let out a deep breath, sending a bunch of my hair flying in different directions.
“What’s up, buttercup?”
“I don’t wanna gooooo,” he whined, nuzzling his nose against the crown of my head. I let out an uncharacteristic giggle, turning around and taking in his pout.
“I don’t want you to either,” I said, mimicking his tone, as I ran my thumb over his bottom lip that was jutted out dramatically. “I’ll come over to yours later, though, after you’ve finished packing, yeah?”
Alex grinned and planted a kiss on my lips, his mouth lingering on mine until the moment was broken by his phone going off. He groaned and pulled away, looking at the buzzing device.
“It’s my mom,” he said, locking it and slipping it back in his pocket. “I have to go.”
I nodded, pulling him in for one last kiss. “Love you.”
“Love you, too,” he said, sending me a swift smile before he was out the door.
“You’re acting different,” Lawson observed as we walked into Guitar Center.
“I am?” I said, only semi-invested in what my brother was saying as I was hit with the smell of nylon strings and fucking heaven.
“Yeah, you’re like, happy. It’s weird,” he said as we wandered over to the short-ish line at the help desk, Lawson clutching the handle on his guitar case.
I shrugged, the lazy smile that’d been stuck on my face since I woke up still in full effect.
“Just in a good mood, I guess.” I glanced over at my brother, who was watching me with a knowing look on his face. “What?”
“And would this good mood have anything to do with the fact that you had your tongue down your best friend’s throat this morning?”
I cringed at the crudeness of his question. “Gross.”
“Well, does it?” Lawson pushed as the line moved forward.
I just shrugged again, although my smile grew considerably just thinking about the events of the last 12 hours. “I mean… yeah,” I said quietly, my face flushed. Lawson just smirked at me. “What?”
“Nothing,” he said, pressing his lips together to hold back his smile.
I narrowed my eyes at him, but just shook my head and said, “Yeah, okay.”
We waited in silence until it was Lawson’s turn at the desk, at which time I excused myself to go look at guitars. I stared at the wall of electric guitars longingly as I slowly paced back and forth, sometimes reaching out to touch a few of them. Occasionally, if one in particular caught my eye, I would take it off the wall and perch on a stool and play it for a while, eventually having to return it to it’s place. I lost track of time, the instruments taking my mind from a Guitar Center in Towson to somewhere completely different.
I was engrossed, head bowed and eyes closed, in a particularly complex lick on a silver chrome Fender when my brother came to find me, his newly strung acoustic in hand.
“Shay. Shaaaaay,” Lawson repeated, only getting my attention by tapping me on the shoulder. I opened my eyes and looked up, shaking my head to reorient myself.
“Hey, sorry. You done?”
He nodded. “Enjoying yourself?”
I nodded, sighing mournfully as I stood to replace the Fender on the wall. “I want all of them,” I said, letting my fingers glance across the strings one more time before stepping back.
“I know,” Lawson said sympathetically.
“Alright, I’m ready to-- oh my god.” I cut myself off when my eyes caught on one guitar that I had missed, hanging on the far left end of the wall. My feet carried me across the floor to it and if possible, I’m sure there were literal hearts in my eyes as I stared at the instrument.
I heard Lawson come up behind me and let out a low whistle. “That is one beautiful guitar.”
It was an ESP Viper 1000; wine red with black undertones and a glossy finish, it was almost too beautiful to touch. Almost.
My fingers tingled when they wrapped around the mahogany neck, lifting it off the wall. I put my other hand on the bottom to keep it steady and held it out in front of me to look. “This is the most gorgeous guitar I’ve ever seen in my life,” I said, staring at it in awe.
“So get it,” said Lawson. Like it was so easy.
I scoffed, but was still unable to tear my eyes away from the guitar to look at him like he was crazy. “Big brother, this is,” I paused to glance at the price tag, “christ, eight hundred fifty dollars worth of guitar. I don’t have that kind of money.”
“Then I’ll get it for you.”
This time I did look at him like he was crazy. “You definitely don’t have that kind of money.”
“You’re right, I don’t have that kind of money. But I do have this,” he said, holding up a small plastic card.
I narrowed my eyes at it. “Is that mom’s credit card?” I asked. He nodded. “Did you steal mom’s credit card?”
“No I did not steal mom’s credit card. What do I look like to you?” said Lawson, feigning insult. “She gave it to me, to pay for your graduation present.”
“My graduation… no fucking WAY!” I exclaimed once I understood what he meant. “Mom is buying me a guitar?!”
Lawson grinned and nodded. “She gave me a thousand dollar limit,” he said.
My eyes widened, glancing back down at the Viper. “But that means…”
“Yep,” he said, gesturing to the guitar. “It’s yours if you want it.”
I actually squealed, for what was probably the first time in my life, and immediately took off in the direction of the register. The sales associate greeted me amicably and I responded giddily, carefully putting the guitar on the counter as I bounced lightly on the balls of my feet. Lawson caught up to me and handed the cashier Mom’s credit card to pay for it. The cashier gave the card back to him and placed the guitar in its case, handing it to me. I took it, smiling gratefully and thanking him emphatically, before I left the store alongside Lawson.
“So,” said Lawson on the way back home. “What’s this about you going on tour with Alex?”
I sighed, smiling a bit just at the mention of it. “I don’t know, honestly. I mean, I really want to go, obviously, but unless we manage to get Mom on board it’s not gonna happen. Alex said that he was gonna get his mom to talk to her, just so she could hear from another parent who was okay with it, so hopefully that will help,” I explained.
Lawson bobbed his head in understanding as we came to a stop at a red light. “Okay, well in case that fool-proof plan doesn’t work out,”he said sarcastically. “I’ve actually been thinking that you could come up to Boston with me for a while.”
“Really?” I asked, intrigued.
“Yeah. I was just thinking that, you know, in the fall you’re gonna be going to Boston College with me, and even though you’ll be living on campus it would be good for you to get to know the city and be comfortable with it before you start classes. It would be a good way to ease into things, you know?” he explained his reasoning, a hopeful expression on his face. “Plus, it would be great for me to spend some quality time with my little sister.”
“What about Beckett?” I asked, not wanting to put his roommate under any imposition.
“I already asked him and he said he’s cool with it. Plus I think you guys’ll get along really well.”
I smiled at the idea of spending two months in Boston with my brother. He’d started at Boston College two years ago, and had officially moved into his apartment at the beginning of last semester. Needless to say, except for a few weekend visits here and there, I didn’t get to see Lawson much anymore, and I relished the idea of getting two whole months of quality time with him, in my favorite city, no less. I would’ve immediately said yes, were it not for the fact that I’d already promised Alex that I’d join him for tour, sans any objection from my mother.
“That sounds awesome, Laws’, and if tour doesn’t work out then I’d definitely want to. But I already promised Alex and I know he’d be really disappointed if--”
“It’s all good, little sister,” he said, the easy smile on his face letting me know he was sincere. “Like I said, I know you have a previous engagement, but just consider my offer as a back up?”
“Definitely,” I said, returning my brother’s smile.
We were quiet for the rest of the drive home, the only sound from the The Used CD playing from the stereo. It was about 1:30 when we got home, and to both of our surprise, Mom’s car was parked in the driveway-- two factors that rarely, if ever, coincided. I looked at Lawson, but he just shrugged as we both climbed out of the car. I carefully retrieved my new baby from the backseat, nearly cradling the case in my arms as we made our way inside.
“Hey Mom,” Lawson and I chorused when we found her sitting at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, frowning back and forth from her laptop and a mess of case files spread across the surface. She broke away from her work and smiled at the pair of us.
“Hey guys,” she said cheerily, shutting her laptop halfway and getting up from her seat. She pulled both of us into a quick hug. “I see you were able to pick out a present,” she said, nodding at the guitar case clutched tightly in my hands.
I nodded, grinning widely. “Thank you so, so much, by the way.”
“Of course, sweetie. You earned it,” she said, rubbing my arm warmly.
With that, I left her and Lawson in the kitchen to go put my guitar in my room. I set the case down on my bed and carefully lifted the instrument from it. I took my Fender off the stand in the corner of my room and put the Viper in its place. Then I put the empty case and the Fender in it’s case in my closet before venturing back downstairs.
My brother was in the middle of making lunch, and idly discussing some story from the news with Mom. I maneuvered around Lawson to take some leftover pizza from a few nights ago out of the fridge to heat up for my own lunch. As I put the pizza on a plate and into the microwave, I noticed a lull in the conversation and took the opportunity to ask, “So Mom, why are you home so early?”
“Well Isobel asked if I wanted to get an early lunch, and then I figured that since I’ve been staying so late at the office lately it would be nice to work from home for the rest of today.”
I nodded vaguely, my ears perking up at the mention of Alex’s mom. “Oh, that’s nice. How is she doing?” I asked, not wanting to jump in with the question I was dying to ask immediately.
“She’s doing well,” Mom responded, all while typing away madly at her laptop. Then she paused, and looked right at me as she said, “She was telling me all about this tour the boys are leaving for tomorrow.”
I nodded lightly, trying to appear only mildly interested, although I didn’t miss the side glance Lawson shot in my direction. “Oh?”
“Yes, and don’t try to act so coy with me, Shayley. I know all of this was your idea,” she said accusingly, although I could tell she was half-joking, a fact for which I was relieved.
I smiled innocently, fidgeting nervously as I was already bracing myself for the no.
“Technically it was Alex’s idea first.”
“I’m sure it was.” She shook her head with a chuckle, and I felt reassured that she was taking the whole thing so lightly. “In any case, because I’m sure you’ve been wondering, I’ve made my decision.”
“Really?!” I asked excitedly, then paused, cleared my throat, and said, much calmer this time, “Really? And uh, w-what would that be exactly?”
“Well, I’m not exactly in love with the idea, but Isobel told me everything and assured me that it’s all very above board,” she said, a reticent smile on her face.
My eyes widened in surprise, and out of the corner of my eye I noticed that Lawson’s did too. Was she really saying yes? “So, is that a yes?”
She sighed, as if to say I know I’ll regret this, and said, “Yes, it is. But I expect you to check-in as often as you can, and I’ll want to talk to you on the phone at least once a day, and I want regular updates on when you leave and arrive to each city.”
I squealed for the second time that day and crossed the kitchen in half a second to attack my mom in a hug. “Thank you thank you THANK YOU!” I exclaimed, making her laugh at my enthusiastic response.
“You’re welcome. You better get packing. Isobel said you’re leaving first thing in the morning.”
I nodded giddily as I pulled back. “I’m just gonna go tell Alex,” I said, wasting no time in running out the front door to tell him the good news.
I was literally bouncing when I came to a stop at his door, ringing the doorbell. It was opened a few moments later to reveal a smiling Isobel Gaskarth. “Oh, Shay! It’s so good to see you dear,” she said, pulling me into a quick hug.
I reciprocated her greeting before rushing on. “Is Alex here?”
She shook her head. “No, he actually left about two hours ago. Can I give him a message for you?”
“Actually if you can tell me where he is I can just go meet up with him,” I said, figuring he just went over to Jack’s. “Do you know where he went?”
Isobel nodded. “I think I heard him say something about going to see Lisa.”
The giddy smile on my face dropped, and every muscle in my body tensed at the mention of her name. An uneasy feeling was stirring in the pit of my stomach almost immediately.
Isobel must have noticed my sudden change in mood, because she frowned, tipping her head in concern just like Alex did. “Everything alright?”
I nodded, although I wasn’t entirely sure. “You’re sure he said Lisa?” I asked, wringing my hands nervously.
“Yes, I think so. He seemed to be in a rush and I didn’t catch all of it, but I did hear her name.”
“Oh, well, okay,” I said, feeling all of my excitement from just a few minutes ago leak out of me like air from a balloon. “Thank you, Isobel,” I said, mustering up a smile as we said our goodbyes and I turned to leave.
As I crossed the street back to my house, my thoughts were racing five million miles an hour. Why would Alex go to Lisa’s house the day after they broke up? And especially after everything that had happened between us in the last twelve hours, and everything that she said to me? What reason could he possibly have to see her? And why wouldn’t he tell me? Unless… had Alex lied to me last night? Had they really not broken up? No, Alex would never lie to me like that, especially not about something like this.
“You’re being ridiculous, Walker,” I mumbled to myself as I climbed the stairs to my room. Alex didn’t lie, period. Especially not to me. Him and his mom probably just got their wires crossed. He was probably just on the phone with Jack telling him about Lisa, and that was what his mom had heard. He was just at Jack’s.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialled Jack’s number, my leg bouncing nervously as I waited for him to answer.
“Hey Shay, what’s up?”
“Hey Jack. Is Alex there?” I said, trying to sound normal.
“Yeah, he’s here,” he said.
My shoulders deflated as I heaved a sigh of relief, falling back against my bed. “Okay, awesome. Is it cool if I come over? I need to tell him something.”
“Yeah, you know you’re always welcome at Casa de Jack,” he said. “But you might just want to call him or something instead, cause Lisa’s here.”
I shot back up from the bed, my relief fleeing faster than it had appeared. The uneasiness I had felt earlier had evolved to horrible, biting dread.
So Alex really had gone to see Lisa. And he didn’t just go for a little while and leave; they both went to Jack’s together. Why was he spending so much time with her? And why wasn’t he telling me about it?
“Shay? Everything alright?” Jack asked, and I realized I still hadn’t responded to what he said.
“Uh, yeah, I’m fine. I just, uh, I have to go,” I rushed out, snapping my phone shut.
I started pacing back and forth in front of my bed, trying my best to think rationally and piece together the situation in a way that made sense. But no matter how hard I tried the only thing I could think was, Alex was lying to me.
I shook my head; Alex wouldn’t do that. He just wouldn’t. This had to be some sort of huge misunderstanding. I just needed to talk to him, face to face, and clear all of this up.
I thought about going to Jack’s, but if he was right and Lisa was there, I didn’t want to be around her. Not after last night. Besides, if I was going on tour tomorrow I needed to start packing. It would be better if I just met up with him later.
I opened my phone and texted Alex, asking him to meet me at the playground at eight pm that night. That gave me a little less than six hours to wait.
And they were the slowest six hours of my life. Packing ended up only taking about two hours, so the other four found me desperately trying to find something to pass the time. I tried reading, watching tv, even playing my new Viper, but I couldn’t focus on anything but Alex.
I finally left to walk to the playground at 7:45, and got there at eight on the dot. Alex wasn’t there yet, but he was notorious for being late, so I figured he would be there soon. I sat down on one of the swings and waited.
I looked around idly at my surroundings, smiling at all of the memories that came to mind, like when Alex first told me about this really cool kid named Jack, who he was going to start a band with. Or the time he called me because he was drunk off his ass, and had wandered from a party to the playground. He had been fucking around on the monkey bars, and ended up falling and breaking his ankle. And when I got there he refused to let me take him to the hospital until the next morning because he didn’t want to get in trouble for being drunk.
Or the time in eighth grade when we’d tried weed for the first time, and we couldn’t stop laughing about something, and we ended up on the ground and he was about two seconds away from kissing me when a call from Jack broke the moment. I was mad at him for a week afterwards.
I smiled, the distant memory reminding me again of last night. I thought about how surreal it felt, almost like I was watching it happen and living it at the same time. My brain zeroed in on a moment, the moment right after I had come apart in his arms, tangled up in the sheets and in each other.
Suddenly and without my permission, a new image flashed in my head, taking the place of me and Alex. It was him and Lisa, not having sex, not even kissing, just sitting together on the couch in his living room. She was sitting with her legs in his lap and his arm was wrapped around her back. It was an image I’d seen in real life countless times, but never had it caused such a feeling of terrible jealousy and anger and sadness as it did right then. I blinked fast in attempts to hold back tears that threatened to fall, but they did anyway.
Last night, I’d felt like all the years waiting for something that I was sure wouldn’t happen, waiting for Alex, had finally paid off. But now, as I sat on the swing and Alex’s absence seemed to overtake the air around me, as the minutes I spent waiting for him passed into an hour, I couldn’t seem to find that feeling again, no matter how hard I tried. And I had a horrible but overwhelming inclination that I would never have it again.
I wanted so badly to believe that it was just a misunderstanding, that I didn’t have the whole story. After all, I had no reason to believe that Alex would lie to me, especially now and especially about this. But the dread in stomach had only gotten worse since that morning, and as the clock ticked past 9:30 and there was still no sign of him, the writing on the wall was getting almost too hard to ignore.
I wiped away the tears that were flowing freely now, and checked my phone for the tenth time since I’d gotten to the park. Still no word from Alex; I hadn’t heard anything from him since he agreed to meet me, which was also unlike him.
As much as I didn’t want to accept it, everything that’d happened today made it clear that Alex was keeping something from me. And after nearly seven years of telling each other everything, it hurt more than I could put into words.
By the time ten o’clock rolled around, I decided that there was no point in waiting for someone who wasn’t going to show. Feeling more than defeated, I rose from the swingset and began the walk home, wrapping my arms around my torso.
I was suddenly feeling very cold.
When I turned onto my block, I couldn’t help myself from glancing at Alex’s house. I stopped when I noticed his car in the driveway. He’d been home this whole fucking time?
Anger overtook every other emotion I was feeling; my fingers curled viciously into my palms and I felt all my blood rush to my face. Suddenly my feet were carrying me across the street towards his house; I felt not unlike a bull charging at a matador.
I was almost in his front yard when the front door opened. I half expected (and hoped) it to be Alex, coming to explain everything. But the person who came out instead made my blood go from boiling to white hot.
At first I thought she hadn’t noticed me, and I could turn around and go home with what was left of my dignity. But my last bit of hope bounded just out of reach when I heard her sickly sweet voice.
“Did you need something?” The satisfaction in her voice made me want to make fists in her hair and pull as hard as I could.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I asked, trying to maintain my equilibrium.
“I’m afraid I can’t divulge that little bit of information,” Lisa drawled. “After all, a lady doesn’t kiss and tell.”
I told myself that she was just trying to get under my skin, but that didn’t stop the hot tear that fell. “What did I ever do to you?”
She opened her mouth to make what probably would’ve been a very scathing remark, but she was interrupted by the door opening again.
“Yeah Mom, I got it.”
It was Alex. I panicked, immediately turning and running back across the street. When my hand was on the doorknob I thought I heard him call my name, but I was inside with the door locked behind me before he could come after me.
I was crying all over again as I ascended the stairs, making a beeline for my room. I slid down the door and hugged my legs to my chest, sobbing into my knees.
A few feet away from me, I saw the Foo Fighters tshirt, lying in a crumpled heap next to the bed, and it made me think back to that morning. All of the things he said, the way he was looking at me, the way he kissed me...
A new, bigger wave of anger crashed over me and I through the closest object to me, my phone, at the opposite wall with aggressive force. But the exertion provided little to no catharsis as I watched it fall to the ground in pieces. I groaned. Fucking perfect.
God, how could I have been so incredibly naive to think that he actually wanted me? He’d just used me, used me and lied to me. And while it hurt like hell, it also scared me. Because the Alex I knew would never do that.
The person who was currently across the street from me may have looked just like my best friend, but he was gone. And I was scared that I was never going to see him again.
I calmed down after a while and got to my feet. I left my room and went across the hall to knock on my brother’s door. He frowned when he saw me, eyebrows pulling together in concern. “Shay, is everything--”
“I want to go to Boston with you.”
He tilted his head in confusion, in a way that reminded me so much of Alex it hurt. “What about tour?”
“Change of plans,” I said simply, hastily wiping another tear away.
Lawson still looked worried, but I guess decided against pushing me and nodded. “Alright. Yeah, of course. Our flight is tomorrow night, so--”
“Can we leave tomorrow morning? Please?” I said, wishing the urgency in my voice wasn’t so obvious.
“Well, I don’t know. I can call the airport and see if I can switch my flight, but I’m not sure.”
“I don’t mind if we have to wait at the airport all day, I just don’t want to be here anymore.”
He nodded, looking even more worried. “Okay, yeah, I guess that’d be fine,” he said.
“Thank you. I’ll see you in the morning,” I said, turning to go back to my room.
“Shay, wait,” called Lawson, taking a couple steps out of his room. “What’s wrong?”
Maybe it was because he was the first person to ask that all day, or maybe it just because it was him, but when said those two words it was like the floodgates broke. My shoulders caved in and I let out a choked, unyielding sob.
Lawson rushed forward and pulled me into a hug, rubbing my back comfortingly. I tucked my face against his shoulder and wet his tshirt with tears, letting out everything I’d been holding back since I first talked to Isobel that morning. The both of us just stood there for a while, me shaking and him holding me, until my crying subsided.
He pressed a kiss to my temple and pulled back, giving me a sympathetic smile and brushing some of the tears from under my eyes. “He’s an ass.” I frowned, confused. “Alex. He’s an ass for doing whatever he did to hurt you.”
I laughed bitterly. “Yeah, that’s one word for it.”
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
I shook my head. “Not really. Not right now, anyway.”
Lawson pursed his lips and squeezed my hand, concern returning briefly to his face. “Are you gonna be okay?”
I nodded, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. “Yeah, eventually.”
“Okay, if you’re sure. I’ll see you in the morning, yeah?”
“Yeah,” I said, mustering up my best smile for him before I turned and retreated the rest of the way to my room.
We left early the next morning, early enough that we didn’t run into Alex on the way out. I had taken pretty much all of my clothes with me, except for one tshirt. I left the Foo Fighters shirt folded neatly on my bed for him to find when he eventually came looking for me, and I left a note with four words scribbled on it.
have a good life
Notes
it has been way too long since I have posted and I am so sorry. since I am currently laid up with a broken collar bone and two broken ribs, I'll hopefully have a lot of time to write and it won't be almost two months before I update again
please leave a comment and let me know what you think! I always love getting feedback
Oooh, okay, glad you don't mind me pointing stuff out! Some people find it annoying or don't want to be bothered, lol.
:D
6/14/17