Gravity Pulls Me In

I sit on the bench in the front of the school, ear buds blasting “Something” by Escape the Fate through my shitty ear buds. I don’t have a ride home nor do I want one. I’m just going to sit here until I want to go home. Which I usually end up leaving to go to the park or something. Unless I actually want to get the shit kicked out of me.

I see Alex Gaskarth, one of the most popular kids in school who sleeps with anything that breathes. I hate the way he makes me feel. I’ve never talked to the guy once in my life, but whenever I see him I get butterflies and when he smiles, I smile. I don’t know why he has this effect on me, but he does.

I’m more focused right now on hiding my arms than I am on the human I have a crush on right now. I sigh and look around. Maybe I should go.

I get up and leave school property, heading towards my house. I walk by my house deciding I’m not ready to be in pain yet, so I head to the park. I get there and just lay in the grass, staring at the sky.

I don’t want to be alive anymore. I don’t want to exist. I don’t want to be just a punching bag or something people just walk all over. I’m a human and if I’m not treated with respect, I don’t deserve to be alive. I don’t deserve this life. I’m going to die alone.

Depressed.

Eventually, someone kicks me. I look over and see my only friend, Rian. He smiles at me.
He doesn’t know anything about me, but he’s my best friend.

Doesn’t know that I cut or am abused or that I want to die or that I starve myself, yet he has earned the title of best friend.He hasn’t done anything to help me because he doesn’t know I need it, but he’s always there when I’m mysteriously up at two in the morning. He’s always there when I don’t want to go home. He doesn’t know why a lot of the time, but he doesn’t question knowing that if I want to share it with him I will. He doesn’t know about my feelings towards Alex or that I’m even considering being gay.

“Hey, man. What are you doing?” he asks, sitting next to me.

“Nothing… just delaying my arrival to my house.”

“Why is that?”

“Do I ever tell you why?”

“I thought maybe things would change and you would, but never mind.” He laughs. “Well, do you want to come over?”

“No… no… its fine.”

“Great, let’s go.” He says, grabbing my hand and making me stand. He makes me follow him to his house. He never expects me to eat, but doesn’t suspect I’m anorexic. He doesn’t pull information out of you. He waits until you want to bring it up to talk about it. That’s why I don’t worry about much. Though, if he thought something was seriously wrong, he’d bring it up.

“Hello, Jack. How are you?” his mom asks.

“I’m good, thanks. How are you?” I ask her.

“Very good. Are you eating over?” she asks, smiling.

“You know not to ask him, Mom.” Rian says.

“Just thought maybe something changed.”She says, continuing to tend to the dinner. I smile. I love being here. They have a room set up for me since I tend to stay here a lot. It’s nice and comfortable.

I stay here when I’m trying to recover from a previous beating. If I come here all beaten, they assume it’s bullies since no one at my school except for Rian likes me. It’s kind of sad.

“You’re welcome to stay the night today, Jack.” His mom shouts from the kitchen after we’ve sat in the living room.

“Thank you.” I say.

We play some Xbox and then I tell him I’m going to bed.

I lay in the dark, listening to my sad playlist, staring at the ceiling. Another Friday night spent crying in my room at Rian’s house. Another Friday night spent alone instead of with another person I love. Another Friday night that I dodged a beating.

-x-x-x-

“This shit is amazing.” I slur, a cup of straight vodka in one hand and a weed cigarette in the other. I huff out a huge puff of smoke before putting the paper between my lips and inhaling. I see a really attractive boy across the room, leaning against a wall talking to another guy, a cup of something in his hand.

I, being high off my ass, decide to walk over to him and say one word before I connect my lips with his. He doesn’t push me off, in fact he does the opposite. He kisses back and then leads me to the front door.

I don’t remember the rest of the night. I remember waking in the bed of some house, naked next to another guy. I look at the guy and see it’s someone I don’t recognize. Nothing new. The guys rolls onto his side and his eyes open.

“Alex?”

“Do I know you?” I ask.

“Awkward.” He says, sitting up. “Uhm… weird… we’re doing intros after having sex.”

“Well… what can I say?” I ask, sitting up.

“I’m Eric.” He says. I nod, looking at the time.

“Shit! I gotta go, my sister has a thing at noon.”I groan, grabbing my boxers off the ground and sliding them on before jumping out of bed. I throw on my clothes, say goodbye and run out of the house, dialing Bella’s number.

“Alex? Where are you?” she asks.

“Uhm… running late. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.” I say. She groans and I hang up. There is no way my parents are finding out I drink and smoke weed and have sex with anyone who walks every single weekend.

I go home, change into a Blink shirt, black jeans and a beanie, bathing myself in cologne to get the scent of weed off me. I throw on shade and take pain killers to knock out the oncoming hangover.

I race over to school where my family is. She got a leading role and my parents are making me go as well as go early for pictures and shit.

Some things you should know about my family. They are very homophobic. If they find out I make out and have sex with guys every other weekend, they’d have my head. They make me attend church every Sunday where I hear about how gay is a sin and it’s not the best thing in the world.

After taking pictures with my sister, she pulls me aside.

“What is that smell?” she asks.

“What?”

“On you. What is it?”

“Cologne?” I say slowly, very confused.

“No. It smells like weed.” She says. I roll my eyes. “Alex, we both know I’m smarter than even mom and dad. Spill it. Where were you yesterday night?”

“I went to a friend’s house.”

“If you went to a friend’s house, you wouldn’t have been late.”

“I would tell you if I knew you wouldn’t tell mom and dad.” I say. Even as my twin she’d tend to act like the younger sibling always tattle-tailing because she claimed she knew best.

“I won’t.”

“I don’t believe you.” I say. She gives me a death glare and I sigh. “Fine… I went to a party… like I do every week… and drank… and smoked and… last night… I slept with…” I can’t get the words out. What if she’s just like my parents? Homophobic.

“A girl?” she asks. I shake my head.

“A guy.” I say. Her jaw goes slack and she glances at my parents. I cover her mouth. “I swear… to god Isabella. If you tell mom and dad, I will destroy anything and everything you love to make up for destruction of my life.”

“I won’t. I won’t.” she says. I sigh. “We’ll talk later.” She says, running off.

I groan, closing my eyes.

Great.

Notes

This chapter sucks a bit, but hey! i'm back! i just go a new laptop. I spilled a drink on my last one and fried my keyboard and i just got a new one for christmas. Maxine and i are writing together again. So yeah. I hope you like it.
TItle credit: Truce by Twenty One Pilots
-Jenna