We've seen it all before but this ones different, it's deliberate

The rest of the day went by quickly and was much the same. People who had never spoken to me before were asking me how I was doing, telling me they couldn’t believe what had happened either. although it was nice to not feel like I had a target drawn on my back as I walked round, it made me feel really uneasy… it wasn’t normal. Before the incident the best I could hope for is that people just left me alone and I was honest with myself, I would have preferred it to this. I didn’t mention what Amy had told me earlier in the day, I hadn't decided what I was going to do about it. I needed to talk it over with Alex first. That’s if he ever showed his face in school again. I knew it wasn’t his fault, that’s what I wanted to believe anyway, but I couldn’t help but feel completely abandoned by him. I couldn’t do this on my own. I came straight in from school, ate and went up to my room. I just laid there on my back and stared blankly at the ceiling, I tried desperately to straighten things out in my head… make sense of everything. I thought about the very first day this all started, I remembered the dark look in Alex's eyes as he sat next to me in English. I thought about Stanley freaking out, the gym lesson from hell and the first time I ever saw Amy. My diary was still missing, and I was no closer to finding out who took it. I winced as the crash replayed in my head. The terrified look in Alex's eyes… the crunching noise I hit the concrete road. Again, I was no closer to uncovering the truth. On top of all of that, the whole school now thinks Alex is capable of almost killing me and I have to pretend to be 'normal', not that I ever shouted about the fact I was gay. But the memories that evoked the most emotion were those I had of the hospital, the ones I shared with Alex. I huffed, turning onto my side. I didn’t want to think about him anymore, it just made me worry. As I laid there, something caught my attention. There was a noise... like a rustling outside. But there was no wind, the tops of the trees outside my window remained still in the darkness. The noise transformed into a clattering, getting louder and louder. I sat up in my bed slowly, my eyes glued to the window. Someone was climbing the drainpipe. I could barely breathe. I shuffled backwards on my bed towards the door, the urge to leave through it was only dampened by my burning curiosity. I waited as the noise got closer and closer… until the face I least expected popped up in my window. I sighed with both relief and disbelief. It was Alex. I pulled myself off of my bed and pushed open the window.

"What's wrong with the front door?" I asked, completely exasperated. He climbed in, brushing past me and standing in the middle of the room awkwardly. His hair was dishevelled and the bags under his eyes told me he had been sleeping just as little as I had been. His hands were hidden in the sleeves of his t-shirt. His eyes in the dim light of my room were unsure… guarded, but they still held the innocence that drew me to him. He shrugged at me.

 "I didn’t want your mum to see me" he answered quietly. Right, of course. I forgot I was now living a double life. We just stood there looking at each other until I broke the silence.

 "So… where have you been?" I kept my tone cool. I didn’t know where the boundaries were in our friendship, I didn’t want him to know how worried I had been. His posture stiffened.

 "Uh, around" He was reluctant to answer. I didn’t press him for anything else.

 "Just not in school. Not that I blame you, you do know…" I hoped to god I wasn’t going to have to break it to him, what if he thought it was me that had spread it round? Though I hoped he knew me better than that.

 "That I supposedly pushed you? Yeah" He was so guarded. I couldn’t work him out, it was exhausting trying to guess what was going through his head. I sighed, slowly folding myself down onto the edge of my bed. My eyes broke from his, I stared blankly into the space in front of me.

 "I can't believe this has happened, I didn’t know what to do so I just went along with it" I said looking at my feet. I felt the mattress dip as Alex sat down next to me, his shoulder brushing against mine.

 "Good"

 "Well it’s not good, the entire school thinks you tried to kill me" This mess just got bigger and bigger. I ran my hand through my hair. I didn’t know what to do to fix it, I just wanted it to be over.

 "I started it. I told Stanley I pushed you" I whipped my head around to face him. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

 "Why would you do that? Everyone thinks your some kind of psycho!" I couldn’t understand why he thought that was a good idea, it just meant he had outcasted himself from everyone and left me to deal with this shit by myself.

 "I didn’t think, it just came out. I kind of knew it was a risk, that it would go one of two ways. Luckily for me it turned out the way I wanted it to"

 "What way?"

 "He's leaving you alone isnt he?"

 "Well yeah bu-" He interrupted me.

 "Then it's worked out"

 "But Alex I can't do this all on my own, I can't handle Amy!" I lost my composure by the end of my sentence. It was the truth, she was taking over my life.

 "Jack I'll do whatever I can to help you, I hope I've helped you the most by doing this. Your still hurt… Stanley needed to leave you alone" His eyes swept across my room, he must have been able to feel my eyes on him.

 "But what about you? You are going to have to deal with everyone"

 "Jack I can deal with it, but you have to promise me something. I have to go back to school tomorrow, we both know how everybody feels about me now… and I think we can both probably guess what Stanley and his friends are gunna want to do to me. You have to promise me never to intervene, just let it happen. From now on, you hate me. You hate me like you've never hated anyone" His eyes were so intense, they burnt through me. It was like he wanted to tell me something, everything. But something was stopping him. That's the conflict I always saw in him, it was so clear in his eyes. Even if he did hide it well in every other part of his being, they always gave him away. How could he even ask me to do that?

 "Alex I can't promise that" I countered sternly.

 "If you don't people will start to wonder why you are so relaxed about what they think happened. If there is any suspicion Amy is going to try and cover up whatever she is hiding even more" I knew he was right, but it was easy to say. How could I sit and watch anyone be tormented, especially him.

 "Alex I-"

 "I know. This is going to be hard...you don't have one inch of hate in you" He blew out a short sharp sigh and dropped his eyes, releasing me from the intensity of his stare.

 "But after all these years of me standing by and watching Stanley ruin your life… I guess this is more than I deserve" I opened my mouth to protest, but he interrupted me before I could even open my mouth.

 "No. I do deserve this. To drive you into such despair that you physically hurt yourself… that’s something I will never forgive myself for" I felt my throat thicken. He meant the self harm. It wasn't his fault, it was never his fault.

 "Jack? Who are you talking to?" I groaned internally as my mother's voice filled the house. Alex shot up onto his feet, dashing over to the window. I wasn’t ready for this conversation to be over, I didn’t know when I would see Alex again.

 "I need to go… I guess I'll see you tomorrow" He whispered, swinging his legs over the edge of the window and disappearing into the darkness..

 "Bye" I breathed to myself. School tomorrow was going to be unbearable.

Notes

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