I swam into consciousness with an increased awareness of the room around me. I opened my eyes to see a world of brown hair, white sheets, and tan skin. Arms were wrapped around me, strong but gentle at the same time. Our hearts were beating in time with one another. His breath was whistling in my ear. For the first time in a long time, I felt truly safe.

I could easily spend forever here, wrapped up in Alex, and just avoid our problems with him. But at the same time, I knew it wasn’t possible. The longer I allowed myself to lay there in silence, the more I realized that I couldn’t keep going with the false hope that everything was going to work itself out. My parents were probably going to get a divorce soon. As much as I wanted them to stay together, I knew that if Alex and I could convince my mom that dad was actually cheating on her, it wasn’t going to happen.

Even though I wanted to pretend that it wasn’t happening or that I didn’t know about it, I owed it to my mom to tell her the truth. She’d done so much for me in the seventeen years of my life, I could definitely do that one thing for her. So that she could be happy eventually, which is what she deserved.

At first I thought she’d be better off not knowing, but I soon came to the conclusion that I was wrong. Dad had been distant lately, a lot more so than he’d usually been, and I knew she could tell. I knew it was hurting her, and that’s not fair. If dad wasn’t happy, so be it, I couldn’t change that. But it wasn’t fair that he was dragging her down with him. That’s why she needed to know. She at least deserved the chance for someone else to love her the way my father no longer could.

A quiet groan from the boy beside me alerted me that he was waking up; that it was time to face the day and however it was going to play out. I carefully rolled over in his arms so we were facing one another as he continued waking up. Soon I was met with brown eyes and a lazy grin.

"Good morning, Jay," he said, his voice deeper than normal.

I smiled. "Good morning."

He yawned before burying his head into my chest. "What time is it?" he asked, his breath causing me to shiver.

I looked at the alarm clock on the bedside table. "Almost nine-thirty."

"Too early," he whined, tightening his grip on my waist. "Need sleep."

As much as I agreed that some more sleep would be nice, I knew it would never happen with the way my mind was racing. "Don't you want some breakfast?" I bargained. "Maybe a shower?"

He lifted his head up and smirked at me. "That depends. Will you be joining me?"

I felt my cheeks heat up. It was really too early to deal with that. "Maybe if my parents aren't home. We don't want a repeat of last night..."

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, looking away from me again. “I feel like the fight you had with your dad was my fault…”

I sighed and shook my head. “It’s been a long time coming, pumpkin. We’ve been walking on eggshells around each other for a while now. It would’ve happened no matter what, it was just a matter of when.”

“I still feel bad.” He shrugged, moving to sit up in bed.

I sat up with him, allowing him to rest his head on my shoulder. “Don’t. It’s really not your fault. He was just looking out for me, really, in his strange, backwards way of doing it.”

He sighed but didn’t say anything. I brought my hand up to play with his hair. I hoped that the simple display of affection would help prove to him that it really wasn’t his fault and that I didn’t blame him. It was important to me for him to know that. I never want him to feel anything uncomfortable or unhappy. Especially because of me.

“Come on,” I broke the silence, “I’ll go see if my mom’s home and we can have that shower.”

I watched the grin break across his face. For some reason, that made me feel so much better. I hadn’t even realized that everything really wasn’t okay, but when Alex smiled at me, suddenly the world seemed so much brighter. Is that what love feels like?

---

It turned out that mother wasn’t home, and neither was my father. When I went downstairs, I found a note from my mom saying that dad had an early meeting—bullshit—and that she had left to do the weekly grocery shopping. And because of this, Alex and I were able to share a shower, which wasn’t anything like I thought it would be. I expected it to be sexual, or for us to at least make out, but it was all innocent touches and soft kisses, and somehow, I think I liked that better.

After the shower, I lent Alex some clothes and we both got dressed before heading downstairs where we laid claim to the couch. We mindlessly watched TV for a little bit before I heard mom’s car pull in the drive.

“Hey, Alex,” I said. “Um—last night you said that you’d help me talk to my mom today. Is that, like… did you mean that?”

“If you want, angel.” He smiled sadly. “It’s up to you.”

I nodded as the door to the garage opened in the background.

“You up, Jack?” she yelled. I could hear grocery bags crumpling as she moved.

“In here, mom!” I yelled back.

I heard her footsteps coming towards the room. I could almost feel my heart trying to beat out of my chest. I was scared about what was going to happen afterwards more than anything. Would she be angry? Sad? Would she still not believe us?

“Morning, baby,” she said, bright smile on her face. “Oh, hi, Alex! Didn’t know you were coming over today.”

He smiled back at her. “Yeah… I hope that’s okay.”

“Of course,” she responded. “You’re always welcome here.”

I couldn’t help but remember what dad had said last night about her not letting him back in if she saw what we’d been doing. Just the thought of that made me want to cringe.

“Okay, well,” she continued, “I’m going to go put groceries away. If you boys need anything, I’ll just be in the kitchen.”

“Mom, wait,” I said, my stomach lurching as she looked at me. “I-I-I have to t-t-t-talk to you about so-so-something…”

“What’s wrong?” she asked, walking over to sit in the chair closet to couch. Of course I had to stutter and instantly worry her.

I looked over to Alex while I gathered my thoughts. He gave me an encouraging smile and threaded his fingers through mine. I squeezed his hand as I started to speak.

“Well, um… do you remember a couple of months ago, w-w-when I told you that I, erh, caught d-dad doing something, and you told me not to worry about it?” I asked, trying to word it carefully to not upset her.

She sighed. “You’re not really bringing that up again, are you? I already told you, he was just trying to be nice to her.”

“Mom, please.” I bit my lip. “Have you ever met her? And why didn’t dad tell you about it before you saw them? Why does he only see her at night?”

With each question, I found myself getting angrier and angrier. I was mad at him for doing this to us, and I was mad at her for being so oblivious. It would’ve been so much easier if she would’ve just realized what he was doing from the beginning. I don’t understand how she didn’t.

“Well,” she started, her voice wavering slightly, “when you’re older, you’ll understand more. Long standing relationships are tricky and—”

I cut her off. “No! Dad’s been so distant lately. It’s like he doesn’t even care about us anymore! He’s ignoring me and cheating on you, and I just don’t understand how you don’t know!”

“Jack, stop!” she yelled, ending my rant. “I do know, okay? I’ve known from the first time that he’s nothing but a scum bag! I know that I’ve wasted the best twenty years of my life on him! And I know that you deserve a better father! I just didn’t want to admit it!”

I was left in a stunned silence as she stormed out of the room. She knew? She let it get this bad without saying anything? I almost wanted to be upset, but I understood where she was coming from. It must be terrible to have to come to terms with the fact that the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with doesn’t want you anymore. I couldn’t even imagine it.

“Angel?” Alex asked after sitting in silence for a few minutes. “Are—are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” I mumbled. It was almost like I was frozen. I wanted to do something, maybe go after my mom and make sure she was okay, but I found that I just couldn’t.

I let Alex maneuver me onto his lap, his arms wrapping tightly around my torso. I laid my head on his chest and tried to steady my uneven breathing.

“Don’t worry, love,” he whispered, kissing my hair. “It’s going to be okay.”

Is it?

---

As the morning faded to afternoon, the house was silent and almost eerie. Not long after the yelling match with mom, Alex got a text from his own mother, telling him to come home. Since he left, I’d been laying in my room, not really doing anything. I tried to watch a movie in bed, but I ended up getting annoyed by it and going back to nothing.

Everything only escalated when my dad got home. It started off as just the door opening and closing. I didn’t even register the fact that it was him. I had assumed mom had gone outside for something.

A few minutes later, I was proven wrong. It started off as a muffled conversation that I had to strain my ears to here, but it evolved into a full blown shouting match, and eventually a walk out.

”What are you accusing me of?!”

“Why would you lie even after I caught you?!”

Listening to them fight was hard, but the worst didn’t come until nearly the end. What my dad yelled at my mom was easily the worst thing I’d ever heard him say.

“I just don’t love you anymore!”

I counted one hundred and seventy-two seconds of agonizing silence before the door opened once more and then slammed shut. I didn’t know what to expect next. Was it dad that left? Or mom? If it was mom, how could I be alone with dad after hearing him say that?

Two hundred and seven more seconds of buzzing thoughts in my head passed before there was a light knock on the door. Before I had the chance to say anything, the door was opening slowly and mom was walking in.

“I’m sorry you had to hear that, baby.” She walked over to sit next to me on the bed. Her eyes were watery, but she smiled at me nonetheless.

I wanted to ask her so many things, but I couldn’t make my mouth open to form the words. So instead I put my arm around her shoulders and sat in silence. I wanted to know if this meant the end of them and I wanted to know if dad was ever coming back. But I had a feeling that within the next few days my questions would be answered.

Notes