I sighed and glared at the math homework sitting in front of me, as if my hatred for the subject would somehow make it disappear. It wasn’t a hard assignment, not really. I’ve just been having trouble concentrating this week.

It’s been two days since I ended things with Oli, and I can’t help but ask myself if I made the right choice. I knew that he had done terrible things to others in the past, but when I was with him, I was happy. He went to the moon and back to cheer me up when I was upset. I don’t know if I’d ever be able to find that again. Even though it did seem forced and uncomfortable at some times, he still tried, and that’s what mattered.

In the back of my mind, I knew that was bullshit, but it still freaked me out. Maybe Oli was right; maybe no one else would ever treat me like he did. Maybe I wasn’t worth it after all. That thought scared me. Was I really letting Oli get to me like that? His words weren’t worth the breath wasted to speak them, yet I’d still let them affect me. This wasn’t fair.

After the breakup with Alex, all I had wanted was to feel cared for again. When we were together, that’s the one thing he consistently did right. He kissed me like he meant it, and that was important. I may have taken it for granted at the time, but once it was gone, I realized that it was something I craved. And Oli, he was just the first one to offer me the comfort I needed.

In that moment I came to a realization. The feelings I had for Oli were there simply because he was what I needed him to be. Anyone—it could’ve been fucking Rian, my straight best friend—could’ve done what he did, and I would’ve went along with it. My feelings for Oli were only skin deep, and that thought provided me with some comfort, but at the same time, it also freaked me out. When I realized that I still liked Alex, was it because things with Oli were getting too out of hand and I need a distraction? Or had the original feelings I had for him simply resurfaced?

I sighed and collapsed back onto my bed. All of these intense thoughts were giving me a headache. I knew that Alex made me happy, but so had Oli. I can’t tell what I actually feel and what my brain made up. It was so frustrating; I wanted to be with Alex, but I didn’t want to realize one day that I really felt nothing for him.

I thought about all the times Alex had made me feel so special and so cared for. I remembered what it felt like to kiss him, and the feeling it gave me. How I felt when I kissed Oli was nothing compared to how good kissing Alex made me feel. What I felt for Alex seemed more intense than what I felt for Oli, but I just don’t know.

Maybe if I were to spend more time with Alex, I could figure it out quicker. I mean, when I hung out with him, I had a great time. So perhaps I could sort out my feelings if I just spent time with him? It wouldn’t hurt, I guess. But maybe it needs to go farther than that. Hanging out with someone and having a good time is completely different than having romantic feelings for them. Would I have to open up to him again? I’d have to test out the waters, but it seemed like my plan would work. And maybe, just maybe, I’d have to kiss him.

---

A little less than twenty-four hours later, I found myself sitting in Alex’s car, nervously drumming my fingers on my leg as he drove to his house. When I asked Alex if he wanted to hang out today, he immediately said yes and mentioned that his parents were both working late tonight, so we could go to his house. I was a little taken aback by his enthusiasm, but I guess I should’ve known.

I didn’t quite know how I was going to go about my plan. I had assumed I’d at least have a few days to figure out exactly what I was going to do, but of course he was free tonight. Just my luck.

“So did you have a good day?” Alex asked, seeming slightly awkward.

I shrugged. “Yeah, it was good. Rian ditched today to finish some big assignment for his AP class, so it was kinda weird since he’s never missed school. What about you?”

“It was fine,” he responded casually, “but um, Oli hasn’t been giving you any problems, has he? If he is, I’m sure between myself, Franceschi, and your friends, we can get him to stop...”

I shook my head. “Some of his friends have been giving me dirty looks in the halls, but no one’s said anything.”

I noticed he smiled slightly at that. “Good. Let me know if that changes, okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah... and, uh, one of the reasons I wanted to hang out is so that I could tell you what happened Monday, you know, if you still care.”

His smiled faded. “Of course I care. Why wouldn’t I?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. It just seems like you’ve been pining over me, and I guess I’m just worried that’ll change before I figure out what I want.”

He sighed. “I tried to get over you, I really did. It just didn’t work out that way. I tried valiantly to get you back, but fuckface ruined everything...”

I crinkled my eyebrows. “I don’t know what you’re talking about...”

He chuckled. “Well, I put flowers in your locker but was too stupid to put a card with my name on it...”

“Those were from you?” I exclaimed, simultaneously feeling flattered and a bit angry that Oli would lie that pointblank.

He nodded sheepishly. “This one’s kind of embarrassing, but I had Ramsay teach me how to play that one gushy Ed Sheeran song on guitar. But when I went to your house to sing it to you, Oli was there and pretty much killed my plan to sweep you off your feet...”

I felt myself blushing heavily. “That’s really sweet,” I said. “I want to hear it when we get to your house.”

He sighed lightly. “The thing is... I don’t actually own a guitar. I had to bribe Ramsay with a month of English homework to use his.”

“Wow, that’s dedication,” I observed, not being able to help the smile that was forming on my face.

He shrugged. “That’s what I’m trying to say, I can’t just get over you. It’s not that easy.” He took one hand off the wheel and sat it on my kneecap, squeezing lightly. “You’ll always be my angel.”

I was torn between wanting to make fun of him for being so cheesy and wanting to blush again and shrink back into the seat. But, instead of doing either of those, I just smiled, put my hand on top of his, and said, “Good.”

---

When we eventually arrived at his house, things didn’t get serious right away. At first, Alex made us tea while I sat at his kitchen table and watched. While the water was boiling, we chatted about simple things like homework and the upcoming holiday season. It was eventually decided—mainly Alex’s decision but I was all for it—for an afternoon snack before we went upstairs to his room.

The ideal chat continued as we ate. I learned that Alex and his family were going to England over break to visit family. That made me wonder what Christmas was going to be like with my family. Would things still be tense between me and my dad? I’d always loved the season, but would this just ruin it? I tried not to let thoughts like those eat at me too much; that would ruin the point of me even being here.

“Are you ready?” Alex asked after clearing away the used dishes.

I nodded and stood up. “Whenever you are.”

Once we were up in his room, he sat directly on the edge of the bed and motioned for me to sit beside him. When I did so, he smiled slightly, but I could see a bit of hesitation in his eyes. “So... Oli?”

Oh, I guess we were getting right into it.

“There’s not really that much to tell.” I shrugged. “I—I asked him what happened between you two, and he did the same thing you did when we broke up. He straight-out lied.”

Alex bit his lip. “I’m still so sorry about that. I can’t believe I had stooped so low that I was down to his level.” He ducked his head down in shame.

“Hey,” I scolded gently, putting my hand on his shoulder. “None of that. While, yes, you both lied and it was pretty shitty, you at least had my best interest at heart. He did it for self-preservation. Okay?”

He nodded slowly before looking back at me. “I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself if I lose you for good...”

I sighed. “We’ll talk about that later. Right now I just want to get this part over with so that I can forget about it.”

His eyes lit up as he nodded hastily. “Sorry I interrupted.”

I scoffed. “Yeah, whatever. Anyway, he basically told me that you started everything and when I said that’s not what I heard, he pulled the whole, ‘are you really going to believe him over me?’ shit, but when I said that I hadn’t heard it from you, he stopped trying to make you the bad guy and just said that it wasn’t like that with me. I still tried to end it, though, and he got really mad really quickly. I was kind of freaked out, actually.”

I felt Alex tense up. “What did he do?”

“Nothing terrible, he—he just yelled at me and called me some n-n-names before I walked away.” I tried to shrug it off like it didn’t hurt, but I could hear my voice wavering, so I had a feeling Alex wouldn’t believe me.

“It obviously wasn’t nothing,” he said quietly, “and I get if you don’t want to tell me, but I really want to make you feel better.”

I sighed. I knew that I had to eventually let it out to someone because as much as I tried to act like it was nothing, what Oli said really hit a nerve. Both of the boys I had tried to be with this year had lied to me within a month. While I knew that Alex didn’t do it to hurt me, it still happened.

I bit my lip. “H-he called me a p-p-prude and said I wasn’t wo-worth anyone’s time and no one would ev-ever settle for m-m-me.”

Alex frowned and moved closer to me, putting his arm around my shoulders. I tensed up for a moment before relaxing into him, resting my head on his chest. He was so warm and inviting that being close to him just made me feel better.

“You are not a prude,” he said sternly. “Having morals and respecting your body is something you should be proud of. And, well, he was right about nobody settling for you…”

When he paused, I felt my heart plummet. I thought everything was going so well, and I was actually feeling better. I tried to move out of his grasp, but I felt myself trapped in his arms.

“But that’s because anyone would be fucking crazy not to have you as their first choice,” he finished, making me feel much better than a few moments previously. “Honestly, angel, he’s the one some poor person will have to settle for.”

I smiled. “Thanks, pumpkin,” I whispered, letting the term of endearment slip out.

When his grip tightened, I looked up to see him smiling down at me. He looked so genuinely happy, and in that moment, I just felt so safe and cared for. I realized just how happy he made me, and how I’d be a fool for letting him go. So I did the only thing that seemed acceptable. I leaned up and kissed him.

He jumped at first but quickly recovered and kissed me back so sweetly, moving one of his hands to cup my cheek. And if I hadn’t already known the answer to all of my questions, it would’ve been obvious.

Notes