Can't Help Who I Fall For

I was embarrassed. Simply embarrassed. I don’t know how else to explain it. I was just embarrassed. I don’t know how I got into that position, but there I was, shirtless and lying on top of Oli, starring at his dark hair as his mouth worked my neck.

I don’t remember how we got into that situation. The last thing I could remember was suggesting that Oli and I take a nap. It was Sunday afternoon and we had come to my house after grabbing lunch. I had had a tough time sleeping the previous night and was pretty tired, so we decided to take a lie-down together.

I wasn’t entirely sure if I was okay with what was happening, but I wasn’t going to lie—I liked the feeling of his hands running across my back. And his tongue—I never liked having my neck touched, but the feeling of Oli’s tongue there was driving me crazy. I might have been slightly uncomfortable, but it felt too good for me to really care.

I decided that I would just let myself enjoy whatever was happening instead of worrying about it, so I let my eyes flicker shut as I tugged on his hair. Oli took the hint and left my neck alone in favor of kissing my lips. I couldn’t help but smile as his tongue entered my mouth. Something felt wrong, though; it didn’t feel like it was Oli’s tongue tangled with mine. I mean, not like I know exactly what it feels like, but it was different from the last time we made out.

When I allowed my eyes to flutter open, I received the shock of my life. The guy who I was making out with, whose hands were hovering on the strip of underwear that peaked out of my pants, who I was practically groping, wasn’t Oli. I couldn’t tell who it was, but I knew it wasn’t him from the way his hair hung over his eyes and by the shape of his nose.

I hastily, yet somewhat gently, pushed the stranger away from me, down into the bed. I was completely shocked to find that the so called stranger was actually my ex-boyfriend, Alex. So many things swirled in and out of my head. How did he get here? Why did I agree to this? Did I agree to this?

But suddenly, Alex was speaking. “Are you okay, Jay?”

His voice was soft and so gentle, it sounded like he actually cared, and I liked that a lot. I wanted to tell him I wasn’t okay, and that what we were doing wasn’t okay, but my body moved for me before I had the chance to. I crawled back over to him and grabbed his hips, pulling him closer to me.

“I’m fine,” I decided, whispering it in his ear.

I heard his breath hitch before he placed one hand on my chest and the other on my lower back. He rolled us over and climbed into my lap to straddle me, pressing our foreheads together. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer to me, to the point where our chests were also touching.

He let out a breathy laugh that caused shivers to run up my spine. I wanted to kiss him, so I did. As our tongues tangled once again, I realized that it wasn’t going to stay innocent for very long. The thought of that excited me, yet it scared me at the same time. Maybe it was because I didn’t trust Alex as much as I used to, but I was scared. At the same time, though, I wanted it to happen. Somewhere within me I must’ve still had some feelings for him, or I wouldn’t have been okay with it.

Along the way, Alex’s hands ended up at the button of my jeans. I froze for a moment and pulled back. When we made eye contact, Alex unbuttoned my pants. My breathing stuttered, but I let him do it anyway.

I pushed him off of me again, but that time it was so I could finish taking my pants off seeing as I couldn’t really do anything when he was in my lap. Once my pants were on the floor, I felt a lot more vulnerable. I blushed as his eyes raked over my body from where he was lying beside me. Even though I still had my boxers on, I felt extremely self-conscious.

But suddenly Alex was smiling sweetly. Again, he just looked so genuine. It gave me the confidence I needed to actually do something. At that point I was only half hard and far too preoccupied with being embarrassed to think about my dick, but I decided that if I wanted to do something with Alex, I shouldn’t half ass it.

With my new-found confidence, I turned toward where Alex was lying on the bed and grabbed his wrist. I pulled him up onto his knees in front of me so that I would have an easier time removing his pants. Once they were gone, Alex made his way back into my lap and straddled me once again.

I slotted our lips together as he pulled me closer, causing our hips to collide. This caused me to jump in shock. The material of our boxers provided a very thin barricade between us, so when our dicks rubbed together, the feeling was like a shock I’d never experienced before. The feeling caused me to buck, creating even more of the sensation.

This caused Alex to grunt into my mouth and roll his hips down. At this point I was only slightly embarrassed, and that’s because of how close I already was to coming. I’d never felt anything like that before, and it was just so good.

It seemed like Alex knew what I was thinking, though, because he snaked a hand in between our bodies and straight into my underwear. I didn’t know I was capable of making the sound I made when he started stroking me. My entire body actually started quivering at Alex’s touch. I could feel myself unraveling.

As time passed, his jerks became faster and even fiercer, causing me to cry out. I didn’t know what to do with my hands, so I settled for knotting them in Alex’s hair. I was just so close that I was hypersensitive to every movement he made and it was to the point where it almost hurt.

Finally, I came completely undone at one particularly hard jerk. I cried out Alex’s name as I experienced what had to have been the best orgasm of my life.

Once I was sure I was done, I snuggled against Alex as he laid on the bed and pulled me into his heaving chest. I reached down to return the favor, but Alex grabbed my wrist before I had the chance. I looked up in confusion to see his face was red.

“I, um… kind of used your leg,” he explained sheepishly.

“Oh,” I whispered, ducking my head down, feeling self-conscious yet again. “I didn’t even notice...”

He smiled, chuckling lightly. “I didn’t expect you to; you were pretty far gone. It was hot, though.”

I blushed even more and buried my head in his shoulder. “Shut up,” I muttered.

He just laughed harder, wrapping an arm around my back. “You know I mean well.” He kissed the top of my head just to make a point. “Actually, Jack, there’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you.”

“What’s that?” I asked, not really stressing about it too much. Why would he ruin this perfect moment with something bad?

“Jay, I love—”

I woke up with a shock, causing me to jump a few inches. That dream... where did it come from? Why would I come up with something like that, and with Alex, too? After the few seconds it took me calm down, I realized the dream had left me with an awkward boner and a very confused mind. I realized I was in my own bed, which was probably a good thing. I also noticed that I wasn’t alone.

Was it bad that I felt a twinge of disappointment to see it was Oli lying next me and not Alex?

I tried to slip out of Oli’s arms so that I could deal with my problem—and most likely the panic attack I was about to have—in the bathroom. But, sadly, Oli was a light sleeper and started waking up as soon as I sat up. I hoped that he wouldn’t notice anything was wrong.

“What’s going on, babe?” he asked lazily, yawning slightly.

“Oh, n-nothing,” I stammered, feeling the blood rush to my cheeks.

He frowned and moved to sit up. His expression changed, though, as he did so. The smirk on his face told me that he realized what was going on. Oh, crap.

“Are you sure about that?” he asked slyly, putting his hand on my thigh.

I felt my cheeks heating up even more. My mind kept going back to the dream and the way Alex’s hands felt on my body, and suddenly, everything was just too much. Oli was too close, the air was too thick, and the room was starting to spin.

As I broke down, Oli simultaneously tried to kiss me, which was not okay. I pushed him off sternly so I could get some air.

“What the hell?” he grunted, a look of shock on his face.

“Please, don’t touch me,” I said, surprised at how steady my voice was.

“Why not?” he asked, sounding slightly irritated. “You’re already hard.”

I shook my head. “Doesn’t matter. I’m not comfortable with that.”

He sighed excruciatingly. “Jack, you need to trust me more. I’m doing my best here.”

“I trust you,” I reassured him. “I just can’t do this right now.”

“I’m starting to think you’re just a prude,” he muttered, standing up off of the bed. “I’m just gonna head out.”

“Oli—” I started to protest, but he only continued to walk away, slamming my bedroom door behind him.

That sent me into full panic mode. Why would he walk out like that? That’s not the Oli I knew. The one I knew was caring and patient. The Oli I knew was like the Alex from my dream. He was perfect for me; he cared for me.

I ran my fingers through my hair repeatedly as a way to distract myself as I tried to slow my breathing down. He was just grumpy, right? Like, he only acted that way because he had just woken up? That’s the only thing that made sense to me. So when he came to his senses, he’d just apologize and we’d go back to normal, right?

Right.

Notes