I seriously can't do this anymore. I thought weakly after my fourth panic attack in three days. I got up off of the cold tiles of my kitchen floor and looked down at the half chopped up vegetables laying next to a knife. As I noticed the light glinting off of the silver blade, the memories flooded back into my mind. The hand squeezing my airways shut and the burning pain of the knife in my flesh. I grabbed my shoulder as the memories brought the pain back causing me to scream. I picked up the knife on the counter, this had helped me before it can help me again, right? I pushed the blade against my wrist and slowly dragged it across the skin. I did this over and over until the pain in my shoulder was overcome by the real pain in my wrist. I looked down at the blood dripping onto the ground and the deep wounds littering my forearm. At last my mind felt clear, closing my eyes I enjoyed the tranquility. Suddenly I felt lightheaded so I sat back on the floor next to the scarlet red pool of blood. I pulled my phone out and quickly scrolled down to Jack's contact. I clicked the call button as my eyes became blurred with tears. After a few seconds Jack picked up "Jack Barakat," his voice said through the speaker, "it's Alex," I sobbed into the phone "I've done someone stupid." I spluttered out before bursting into tears. "I'll be there in a second" he said quickly before hanging up. I sat on my kitchen floor and cried until Jack arrived.
I heard him knock on the door and tried to stand, as soon as I tried my mind went fuzzy and I collapsed back down. "ALEX!" I heard Jack yell through the wood. "Help me..." I half shouted half mumbled. He obviously heard because the next thing I heard was him smashing through my door and running into the flat."where are you?" He shouted "kitchen..." I said weakly and he sped into the room. He stopped and took in the sight around him, I saw his wide and fearful eyes slide over the half sliced vegetables, the puddle of blood, the knife and then the broken man collapsed against the counter. "Oh, Alex..." He said softly as he crouched down next to me "what have you done to yourself?" He grabbed a tea-towel from the side and tightly wrapped it around my forearm. "We gotta get you to a hospital," he said slowly as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialled 911. He turned to me and softly spoke to me telling me to stay awake. I tired my best to keep my eyes open but I was too weak, within minutes my eyes had closed and I was consumed by pleasant darkness.

My eyes slowly pealed open and I looked around at the plain white walls. The smell of disinfectant filled my nose and I realised where I was. The hospital. I hated this place,I hadn't been back since... The memories flooded back into my head. I was snapped out of my thoughts when I heard a small groan from beside my bed. I turned and soon found the origin of the sound, Jack. I smiled as the tall male began to wake up, "morning," I said and he looked up at me "your awake!" He said excitedly. "no shit, why are you still here?" I asked trying not to sound rude but failing, luckily Jack noticed that I was not trying to be rude and answered "because everyone breaks at some point, and when they do they need some help picking up the pieces. It's so much harder to put yourself back together than to be fixed" He said solemnly. I looked into his dark eyes and saw they were filled with sadness and a glimpse of a wretched past. He spoke with such experience and knowledge, it saddened me to think that this kind and generous man ever could have felt like me. "Alex, why did you do this to yourself?" He asked gently nodding his head towards my heavily bandaged forearm. "It stops the memories..." I said quietly hoping he wouldn't hear, he did. "Memories of what?" He continued to ask, "I don't want to think about it." I said bluntly looking at my feet at the end of the bed. "When can i go home?" I asked still not looking away from my feet. "Well, you should be discharged by tomorrow but then you have to stay with someone for about four days afterwards" he explained "who am I going to stay with? I don't want to go to my parents, they'll just ask questions or send me to therapy again."
"Well I was thinking that...urr....I was wondering if they'd let you stay with a friend."
"You mean yourself?" I said looking up at his face chuckling. "Yeah." He said quietly looking down and blushing. "I'm looking forward to it." I said and he looked up at me, the grin on his face slowly crept onto mine. As cheesy as it may be, his smile is positively contagious.

I looked up at the clear pouch of liquid connected to my hand and watched it drip through the tube. Jack followed my gaze and said "you lost a lot of blood. Do you remember anything?"
"Most of it, I remember calling you and then you coming into the kitchen but that's it until now. Jack... It's getting worse" I said as tears slowly started to spill down my face. "What's getting worse? What's going on?" I knew by now I'd have to tell him, I wanted to know what it was that made him so sad, to do so I had to show him that I trusted him so he should trust me. "When I was about 15 my parents took me to the Central Park zoo. I had a great time but when It was almost time to leave, I told my parents that I was going to the toilet they said they'd wait for me to come back..." I stopped and swallowed "but I never did." I looked up at Jack he was staring at me intently, I could see pity in his eyes mixed with a hint of curiosity. "He had jabbed a needle into my neck as I left the bathroom. I woke up in his basement tied to a chair, I have no idea how long I was there for. He r-raped me every day, over and over, until one day I'd had enough. When he shoved his tongue into my mouth I bit down until I could taste his blood. He didn't like that very much. He strangled me, pinned me down onto the floor by my throat. Then... Then he stabbed me. Twice. Then he left me to die, I almost did. I spent another day laying on the floor of that grimy basement. I threw a spanner at the small window and it broke a part of it. I heard something through the broken window that I hadn't heard in a long time. It was a young blackbird singing loudly and clearly willing the sun to rise. I thought about how if I didn't get up now I'll never hear another bird sing, or watch another sunrise, or see the moon on a clear night, or the clouds on a rainy day and I got up. I managed to climb up, smash the window more and pull myself out of it. I ran as fast as I could until I finally collapsed in the middle of a street two blocks away. Someone from a house nearby called an ambulance and I was taken to a hospital. That was the last time I was in a hospital, when I was two minutes away form dying." I looked at him and saw tears in his eyes, "is that what you were dreaming about when you slept at my house?" I nodded, closed my eyes and began to sob. "And every other night." I was dragged from my thoughts when I felt something touch my cheek, opening my eyes I saw Jack's hand whipping away the tears that were rolling down my face. I nuzzled my chin against his hand 'now or never' I thought and then turned my head slightly and kissed his hand. I looked up at his face and saw him blushing, his eyes filled with happiness but still bloodshot from nearly crying. He pulled me in for a hug but then pulled back slightly "is it ok if I kiss you? I don't want to remind you of anything bad." He whispered. I smiled at his kindness and leaned close to his face "yes" I said quickly as I pressed my lips to his. His lips were so soft and they fitted with mine perfectly, like a two piece puzzle. He pulled away and said "i only met you a few days ago but I have not gone for one second without thinking about you." Then he kissed me again. I pulled away this time and looked him in the eye "you stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my life, and your the only thing that makes me feel happy. I haven't felt happy in years."

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