Figure It Out

Jack’s POV

I slammed the front door, silently fuming. On the short walk home I’d managed to piss myself off, just by creating stupid scenarios in my head. Once they entered my mind, they didn’t leave. Banging around the corners of my skull was Alex laughing at me. Alex leaving me. Alex lying to me. Not only was I mad, I was also scared to death. What if he was distancing himself because I wasn’t good enough anymore? What if he replaced me? What if? What if? What if?

I stormed up the stairs, not bothering to say hello to my mother, who’d come home from the store. I could hear her putting away food, and knew that I really should’ve been helping, but my entire being rejected the idea.

“Honey? What’s wrong? Did you and Alex have a fight?” I heard her shout from the kitchen. I simply groaned in response. I didn’t want to talk about it.

The problem was, it wasn’t really a fight. Everything was probably fine on Alex’s end, and I was probably blowing this all out of proportion. But, on the flip side, Alex was my best friend. I knew him better than the back of my hand. I knew he was angry or sad or confused before he did. Maybe this was a best friend instinct. There had to be something wrong, right?
When I passed May’s room, she was laying stomach down on her bed, favorite book in hand.

“Whoa, did you and your boyfriend break up?” she joked.

I shot her a glare and kept moving forward, making her laugh. That pissed me off more. In fact, it pissed me off so much that when I slammed my bedroom door, the picture that was on my bedside table shook. My mom shouted up to me, probably scolding me for being loud. I ignored her. I could still hear May laughing.

I sat in my desk chair and snatched my laptop from the desk. After running my finger spastically on the finger pad, the screen lit up. I stared at it, wanting to hear the familiar ‘ding’ that filled my ears when Alex messaged me.

The room stayed silent.

Alex always messaged me to ask if I got home okay. Always. I sat there and waited. And waited. And waited. 5 minutes passed. Then 10. 15. 20. Finally, my head was in my hands and I was groaning loudly, trying to clear the ‘what if’s’ out of my head.

‘Ding!’ My head shot up. I slipped my eyes over to the notifications tab and clicked on the messages.


Lauren: hi;)


I narrowed my eyes. Lauren was hot, don’t get me wrong, but she was also an idiot. I wasn’t sure how she made it into the 10th grade when she could barely do long division. She also ditched guys once she got bored, leaving most of my friends in a rain cloud for a few days.
I responded anyway.


Jack: Hi.
Lauren: watz up?


I rolled my eyes at her grammar and sat back in my seat. Running my fingers through my hair, I thought about her poorly written question. What was up? I was currently stressing because my best friend was probably getting bored with me, and there was nothing I could do about it.


Jack: Just at home, you?
Lauren: home alone. U shud come ovr;)

I knew what this meant, and I knew she was serious. I also knew that Alex had stopped caring, I was pissed off, and sex sounded really good.


Jack: Be there in 10.


I leaned my head back and groaned, disappointed with myself. I’d promised myself after the first time to never do it again. I also promised myself the second time… and the third. I didn’t really want to go, but I needed to blow off some steam. I was pissed at myself… and Alex… but mostly myself.

I stood up and grabbed my jacket off of my bed. I slowly crept down the hallway, and passed my sisters room. I was dying for a passing glance from my sister, because one look from her would snap me out of this. Her door was closed.

I headed down the stairs quickly, taking the steps two at a time and struggling with my jacket as I did so.

“I’m heading to Rian’s!” I shouted to the empty air. I heard my mom yell back, but I didn’t bother listening. I doubted she cared anyway.

I shook my head. I was letting this Alex thing get to me way too much. I knew I had a better home life than a lot of people. My parents were still together and we all treated each other with respect. May and I knew we were joking with each other, and never really did any harm. My dad and I got along great and my mom wasn’t overbearing. I loved my family. I just hated myself.

I acted fine on the walk to Lauren’s house, which was a quick walk. I stared up at the stars on the way, wondering if there was some other boy in the same situation doing the exact same thing. Just glancing at the stars and wishing they were people. The thing about stars is that they were dead. As I looked at them, they had already exploded, gone, nada. So they weren’t really there for me. No one was.

I acted fine as she greeted me in a little dress. We didn’t say hello with words, only her cherry red lipstick on my neck and the small sound of my shirt hitting the floor. She smelled like too much perfume and whiskey. I hated it.

I acted fine as she dragged me up to her bedroom with her lips. I couldn’t help but notice the family pictures that lined her walls. I pretended I didn’t see her two cats scampering around between our legs. I ignored the phone when it started ringing.

I acted fine in bed. I didn’t roll my eyes at her fake moans and I even made a few myself. I twisted her around in her sheets and let her trail her hands down my body, even though I wanted to squirm under her touch. When we finished, I just got up and left. No goodbye. No hugs or kisses. Nothing.

That wasn’t our first time and it would probably wouldn’t be our last. I realized more and more each time that I hated doing it. I hated that we didn’t know anything about each other. This was all we did. I didn’t even acknowledge her existence at school.

I slammed the front door coming in for the second time that night. This caused my dad, who had just come home from work, to yell from the kitchen.

“Hey, bud! No need for that!” I rolled my eyes and headed up the stairs… well, I tried to, at least.

“Jack?!” he yelled again “come see me!”

I held in my groan and spun away from the stairs. There were many choice words rolling around in my head that I kept in. My dad didn’t deserve to be the backlash of my horrible day. That wasn’t fair.

I acted fine throughout our five minute conversation that seemed to drag on for ages. We talked about school and how I needed a job and how I must’ve jogged home from Rian’s because I was sweaty and my face was red.

I acted fine as I walked up the stairs and passed May’s room, which was now empty. It was times like this that I really wanted my sister here.

I acted fine as I shut my bedroom door and noticed that I had zero messaged from Alex. No texts either.

I acted fine all damn day. I was tired of it.

And then I sat down on my bed and glanced at the picture of Alex and me riding our bikes into the sunset. That day we swore to each other that we’d be friends until the city belonged to us.

That’s when I lost it.

I was not fine at all.

Notes