Give Me A Sign
Six
Ever since my cutting incident, Alex never let out of his sight and I could tell he was hanging on by a thread. I was so scared for him. I’ve heard him groaning in his sleep and he always wakes up completely drained. If he falls, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to help him. That wouldn’t stop me from trying.
“Alex,” I tapped him on his shoulder since he had spaced out and started to play with his hair, and I had been trying to get his attention for twenty minutes.
“I’m sorry, I was spaced out again,” he replied, his face sullen. He had to be feeling guilty for ignoring me on accident.
“It’s okay. You’re under a lot of stress due to me. You have every right to space out if it lets you escape what’s been happening,” I began to rub my bandage that was keeping my cuts from opening again. I wanted to make them bleed again, but I made a promise to Alex and I wasn’t going to go back on it.
“Bonnie stop rubbing your bandage,” Alex took hold of my hands, making me stop.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed heavily as he pulled me to his chest. He and I would barely talk to anyone else but each other. I think Jack and Nyssa think we’re hollow shells of who we used to be, but they’re wrong. I’m literally screaming to be heard in my mind. What they see on the surface is what the drugs the people at the hospital gave me to help me recover while we finish the tour. I won’t be my normal self until I get to see my doctor back in Orlando for a refill on what I had before.
“Just please promise me not to hurt yourself again, babe. I don’t want to see you do that to yourself again,” he replied, sighing heavily like me.
“I promise. Please stay strong for me, okay Alex. I know your inner demons are trying to pull you in. don’t let them. I need you here with me,” I looked him deep into his chocolate brown eyes, looking to the fearful eyes of my tormented boyfriend.
“I’m trying, but my bigger concern is you. I want to help you Bonnie. I want you to be the old you again. The strong girl I know that made me smile and my world so bright and full of joy and love. I can’t stand to see you so fragile like a porcelain doll or like a ticking time-bomb waiting to go off,” Alex’s hands started to shake and his breathing became shallow. I could see the sweat building on his brow and the tears welling up in his eyes.
Alex snapped. He was having an attack. I was terrified and I didn’t know what to do. My boyfriend, who had always helped me through my attacks, was having one right in front of me. I was just sitting there, staring at him like a deer in the headlights. I felt my heart breaking.
He began gasping, his sobs shaking his body. I pulled him to me tightly. I began to stroke his hair softly, trying as hard as I could to sooth him and help him come back to me.
“Alex, please come back to me. I’m right here. I need you here. You promised never to leave me alone. I need you to breathe and relax. I need you so much right now, Alex. Please,” I cried as I held onto him.
“Bonnie,” Nyssa cried out, thinking I was the one having the attack.
“Nyssa, she’s fine. It’s—,” Jack paused, “It’s Alex. He’s lost his grip on his anxiety. He’s crashed and is spiraling.”
“Oh god,” Nyssa gasped as she wrapped her arms around Alex from behind.
“Alex, please come back. We all need you. You’re stronger than what’s trying to pull away from me. Please, I beg you,” I kissed him as I cried heavily. I was falling apart while trying to be strong for him.
“Alex, Bonnie needs you. Nyssa needs you. I need you. We all need you. You’re my best friend. You can do this. Open your eyes for Bonnie. Let her in. Let her help you. She can save you,” Jack pleaded with my trembling boyfriend.
I had fallen asleep, too weak from all of the stress of Alex’s attack to stay awake while he rode it out. I woke to him kissing my forehead. I opened my eyes slowly to find Alex looking scared out of his mind.
“I am so sorry, Bonnie. I am so, so sorry,” he repeated over and over again as I sat up.
“Ssh, relax Alex. Everything’s fine. You’re okay. I’m here and so are you. How are you feeling,” I felt so out of place, being the one comforting him when he was the one doing it for me.
“I’m still scared out of my mind. I can’t believe I lost it in front of you, Bonnie. I feel worse than shit,” he was trying not to cry.
“Alex, stop talking. You’ll slip again,” I took hold of his face; “I was strong for you. I held on. I stayed out of the darkness in my mind when you fell into your abyss. I helped you through as much as I could before sleep took over me. I used up all of my strength.”
“I won’t let it happen again, Bonnie. I can’t. I just can’t,” he began to cry, but I kissed him tenderly as I wiped his tears from his cheeks.
“Alex, please be strong for me. I need you to be strong for me. I will be strong for you. But I need you to be strong too. I know you have it in you. I love you so much. We will get through this together. I promise,” I kissed him again as he wrapped his arms around my waist, holding me to him tightly.
Alex, please don’t let your fears pull you in. I can’t watch you be in this pain. I know it was killing you when I was struggling, but I can’t watch your fears eat at you. I love you so fucking much and I need you to be here with me so you can hold me together, because I’m going to hold you together. I’m going to save you.
“Alex,” I tapped him on his shoulder since he had spaced out and started to play with his hair, and I had been trying to get his attention for twenty minutes.
“I’m sorry, I was spaced out again,” he replied, his face sullen. He had to be feeling guilty for ignoring me on accident.
“It’s okay. You’re under a lot of stress due to me. You have every right to space out if it lets you escape what’s been happening,” I began to rub my bandage that was keeping my cuts from opening again. I wanted to make them bleed again, but I made a promise to Alex and I wasn’t going to go back on it.
“Bonnie stop rubbing your bandage,” Alex took hold of my hands, making me stop.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed heavily as he pulled me to his chest. He and I would barely talk to anyone else but each other. I think Jack and Nyssa think we’re hollow shells of who we used to be, but they’re wrong. I’m literally screaming to be heard in my mind. What they see on the surface is what the drugs the people at the hospital gave me to help me recover while we finish the tour. I won’t be my normal self until I get to see my doctor back in Orlando for a refill on what I had before.
“Just please promise me not to hurt yourself again, babe. I don’t want to see you do that to yourself again,” he replied, sighing heavily like me.
“I promise. Please stay strong for me, okay Alex. I know your inner demons are trying to pull you in. don’t let them. I need you here with me,” I looked him deep into his chocolate brown eyes, looking to the fearful eyes of my tormented boyfriend.
“I’m trying, but my bigger concern is you. I want to help you Bonnie. I want you to be the old you again. The strong girl I know that made me smile and my world so bright and full of joy and love. I can’t stand to see you so fragile like a porcelain doll or like a ticking time-bomb waiting to go off,” Alex’s hands started to shake and his breathing became shallow. I could see the sweat building on his brow and the tears welling up in his eyes.
Alex snapped. He was having an attack. I was terrified and I didn’t know what to do. My boyfriend, who had always helped me through my attacks, was having one right in front of me. I was just sitting there, staring at him like a deer in the headlights. I felt my heart breaking.
He began gasping, his sobs shaking his body. I pulled him to me tightly. I began to stroke his hair softly, trying as hard as I could to sooth him and help him come back to me.
“Alex, please come back to me. I’m right here. I need you here. You promised never to leave me alone. I need you to breathe and relax. I need you so much right now, Alex. Please,” I cried as I held onto him.
“Bonnie,” Nyssa cried out, thinking I was the one having the attack.
“Nyssa, she’s fine. It’s—,” Jack paused, “It’s Alex. He’s lost his grip on his anxiety. He’s crashed and is spiraling.”
“Oh god,” Nyssa gasped as she wrapped her arms around Alex from behind.
“Alex, please come back. We all need you. You’re stronger than what’s trying to pull away from me. Please, I beg you,” I kissed him as I cried heavily. I was falling apart while trying to be strong for him.
“Alex, Bonnie needs you. Nyssa needs you. I need you. We all need you. You’re my best friend. You can do this. Open your eyes for Bonnie. Let her in. Let her help you. She can save you,” Jack pleaded with my trembling boyfriend.
I had fallen asleep, too weak from all of the stress of Alex’s attack to stay awake while he rode it out. I woke to him kissing my forehead. I opened my eyes slowly to find Alex looking scared out of his mind.
“I am so sorry, Bonnie. I am so, so sorry,” he repeated over and over again as I sat up.
“Ssh, relax Alex. Everything’s fine. You’re okay. I’m here and so are you. How are you feeling,” I felt so out of place, being the one comforting him when he was the one doing it for me.
“I’m still scared out of my mind. I can’t believe I lost it in front of you, Bonnie. I feel worse than shit,” he was trying not to cry.
“Alex, stop talking. You’ll slip again,” I took hold of his face; “I was strong for you. I held on. I stayed out of the darkness in my mind when you fell into your abyss. I helped you through as much as I could before sleep took over me. I used up all of my strength.”
“I won’t let it happen again, Bonnie. I can’t. I just can’t,” he began to cry, but I kissed him tenderly as I wiped his tears from his cheeks.
“Alex, please be strong for me. I need you to be strong for me. I will be strong for you. But I need you to be strong too. I know you have it in you. I love you so much. We will get through this together. I promise,” I kissed him again as he wrapped his arms around my waist, holding me to him tightly.
Alex, please don’t let your fears pull you in. I can’t watch you be in this pain. I know it was killing you when I was struggling, but I can’t watch your fears eat at you. I love you so fucking much and I need you to be here with me so you can hold me together, because I’m going to hold you together. I’m going to save you.
7/1/13