Good as Gone.

Today was the day that everything was going to change. I woke up today in Zack's arms as usual, but it was different, instead of it being a comforting feeling, it was painful. I got out of bed, barely making it into the shower before the tears started falling. In a couple hours the boys were leaving to go back to Baltimore to catch their plane which was going to take them to L.A. There they were going to start their new life, starting off by recording the new album.

It had been two weeks since Alex opened up to me about the tour, showing me the dates and everything in between all that too. It was security and slight peace of mind for me but still made them leaving that much more real. Once I turned off the shower and proceeded to get dressed I was left feeling numb. My heart so broken it had seemingly turned off its ability to feel anything these last couple days, with kisses from Zack barely making my heart flutter anymore.

I walked downstairs to a pile of luggage by my apartment door, of which included a suitcase of Alex's, and duffel bags that belonged to the other boys. I continued towards the kitchen to start coffee when I saw the time, it was just after 4 in the morning, which easily explained why the apartment was so quiet. I shook my head upset that I was always exhausted and yet I could never get a full night of sleep. I waited quietly in the living room for my coffee to finish, careful not to disturb Rian or Jack on their designated air mattresses. I took in this moment, before everything fell apart, when it was just me and my boys.

Soon to be just me, this realization hitting hard yet again. I told myself that I would slowly get used to them being gone, day by day, after all they were always in and out of my apartment. Bouncing back and forth between Baltimore and New York as much as they could this summer, but even then I still had one of the boys at the apartment with me. There were nights I had been alone in the apartment of course, my anxiety refusing to let me sleep unfortunately; although this did help me finish painting, unpacking and online shopping for things varying from kitchen appliances to 3 blank notepads of sheet music.

I moved to refill my coffee and when I returned to the window bench seat I wasnt alone. "Hey Lex," I whispered, my voice soft despite what sounded like an echo in the lifeless apartment.

"Couldnt sleep?" he questioned as I neared the window, I simply nodded in response. I took in his features, similar to mine, holding the look of sleepless nights and freshly fallen tears. I sipped my coffee and shared it with him as we sat in silence looking out the window. We remained like this for what I wish was an eternity, arms intertwined with our heads resting on each other.

"I love you," I whispered. "Alex, I love you more than I can even begin to explain. I am truly so proud of you." It was time to start the goodbyes as we all knew they were going to take a while.

"Hey hey hey, Dev this isnt a goodbye. Im not going to go anywhere." he shushed, taking my face in his hands. "Just think about tomorrow, focus on that. What do you have to get done? Focus on that stuff and at the end of the day when there is nothing to do, think about the next day. One day at a time, okay? You promised me you would take care of yourself, and if I do recall you take great pride in keeping the reputation that you have never broken a promise." He joked, making us laugh despite the tears that kept falling from both of us.

"That I do, its impressive if I do say so myself." I smiled, taking in every word he said.

"There you go, focus on that too. If you run out of things to do focus on us sis, we got this." he stated as if it were the most true and absolute thing in the world. He hugged me as if he never wanted to let go, and I'm sure that's what it seemed like to him too from how tight I had him in my arms. Once we detached from each other I went to start more coffee and cook breakfast.

"Hey baby." Zack cooed as he slid his arms around my waist, and to my disbelief I swear I felt my heart skip a beat, or maybe it had just started beating again.

"Hey darling," I whispered as I leaned into his broad frame, his warmth radiating into me. "How'd you sleep?"

"I should be asking you that. Is everything okay Devon? Anytime I woke up last night you were kinda screaming from what I guessed was a nightmare, then I woke up to hear you crying in the shower again."

"Its just," I paused trying to word this carefully without making him feel guilty. "Im going to be okay I know this because you guys are coming home. I just hurt a lot," I paused to take the fresh, hot waffle out of the press and poured the batter in to start the next. "I hurt only because Im going to miss you, all of you. I just feel so hurt all the time like you're already gone." I admitted, looking in his eyes. "I promised you and Alex though that I would take care of myself, and we all know that this one is too easy for me to break."

"Okay," he said with a smile and a kiss to my temple. "Im really glad to hear that Dev, I only wish you told me sooner so I didnt worry myself sick."

As I finished making the last of the waffles I yelled to get all the guys to our small kitchen that was now filled with the essence of us; waffles, half naked bodies with callused fingers and music to a volume it would chase most people away. I handed out our mimosas with the exception of Rian because he agreed to drive them back to Baltimore. Our farewell breakfast seemed to raise my spirits a bit, I felt as if I was awake for the first time in days.

We joked and joked about how Alex should get a picture with some girl to make Hannah mad, and how Jack should post a picture with a hot guy making everyone question his sexuality that much more, his parents included. Rian, Zack and I however were the one making the jokes because there were no jokes to be made about us or our future. Rian and Cass were stronger than ever; leaving Zack and I approaching about a year and a half of dating in September.

As I watched them carry their bags to the car I wanted to scream and beg for them to stay, my heart ached for them. It took another hour for them to actually drive away from that curb, we latched to each other like our lives depended on it. Alex didn't need to say anything, all he did was hug me for a solid ten minutes at least, when we finally pulled apart he simply said,

"Promise?" This bringing back our conversations held over the past couple weeks.

"I promise Lex," I said reassuring his worried face. "I love you, make me proud." We hugged one last time and as that last hug came time for us to pull apart, it was like he took his half of me with him. I then turned to face my lanky brother, "Jacky." He ran up to me, lifting me off the ground. "Take care of Alex okay?" I whispered so no one else would hear.

"I promise," he said with a wink, making me laugh. "Love you Dev, behave yourself now." We hugged once more, kissing the top of my head as we pulled apart.
Rian came up from behind me making me practically jump into Zack's arms. "Zack," I breathed as my heart raced.

"Call me all the time okay? You know I worry-" I cut him off before he started rambling.

"Zack, calm down okay? I promised alright and promises mean everything to me," I paused my voice drenched with worry. "Just promise me that you will keep up your half." This statement both calmed him then brought immediate worry across his face.

"Devon, I love you and I wouldn't do anything to hurt you baby." he breathed as he took his face in my hands. I lunged forward crashing our lips together for what might be the last time for a little while. We continued like this until Jack made a snide comment from out of the car window.

"Hey now you're just jealous, don't hate Jacky." I laughed as I pulled myself away from Zack and turned to the last band member I owed a goodbye to.

"Baby Dee," he joked as he pulled me into his arms. Rian being the oldest out of all of us, acted like the parental figure with my assistance here and there. After all he was with his best friends all the time and was quite a goofball himself. He was one of my first friends here and held a special place in my heart, despite my excuses that I loved them all equally.

"Take care of them okay?" I'm sure I sounded like a worried mother.

"You know I will honey," he said as he embraced the hug tighter, rubbing my back. "Talk to me okay? I'm always here Devon." Sure he wasn't as open as the other boys but he meant everything he said, kissed my forehead then climbed into the car as well.

With Rian driving, Jack in the passenger seat and Alex and Zack sitting in the back, they were ready to go. I bent myself down into the Alex's window, his face looking like stone, showing no emotion but pained with obvious guilt. "Lex?" When I got no response I simply kissed his forehead then took a step back from the curb. All eyes on me as that small car drove away with my most precious belongings.

I stood there frozen in my place for god knows how long, I only was pulled out of my statuesque state when a horn blared down the street, making my heart jump out of my chest. I looked around the street and it was like everyone had carried on as if nothing happened, but I guess that's what happens when tragedy strikes. The world keeps moving, people keep going, time doesn't slow because someone died or because you got dumped or because you're alone.
I dragged myself back upstairs, unable to comprehend what was happening. I cleaned up our breakfast and as I finished I went to go upstairs but tripped over my own feet walking through the living room. I mentally and physically fell, the reality of the boys leaving finally screamed true in my head. I screamed, in pain, in agony, and in sorrow. I felt so absolutely hopeless with out them. I was screaming, cursing and bawling my eyes out for who knows how long. At least an hour must have passed before my neighbor Adam came running through my front door, Zeia and Neil immediately behind him.

Adam crouched down to my aching body on the floor, his words seemed silent as his lips moved saying something of importance I'm sure. Moments later Neil joined the low level as I felt his familiar presence sink down next to me, he studied me with a worried look on his face. I felt him hold my face in his hands although I still felt unable to speak unless it was through inaudible, pain driven screaming. My body soon started moving, being lifting from the floor into someones arms. I looked up to see Zeia's face, which looked not so much plagued with worry but more so pain, as she followed my carried figure. My heart lurched as I looked up to see who was carrying me, only to be deceived and thrown a vision of Zack's laughing face looking down at me.

~*~

I must've passed out shortly after that because the next thing I knew I found myself waking up in my bed. I looked around my dark room with a heavy head that kept trying to process what was going on. However I noticed a sleeping figure draped over the end of my bed and while my heart ached for it to be one of them, I was only met with Neil's handsome features. "Neil?" I whispered.

Suddenly he shot awake with a panicked and worried look on his face, "Oh you're awake, good." he sighed relief and relaxed a bit. I looked at the time on my phone that was riddled with messages, 2pm. My curiosity increased when he didn't explain his worried reaction, anxiety making my heart quicken.

"Everything okay?" I cautioned.

"I should be asking you that." He laughed, "Devon you have been asleep for almost two days."
What happened? I asked myself as I took this in, and my brain slowly adjusting to being conscious.

"What? Why?"

"I don't know, you tell me. Adam called me when he heard you screaming and crying, we came inside to find you on the floor in the middle of a mental breakdown it seemed. After an hour or two of me trying to calm you down, it finally worked enough for me to carry you to bed. I sat with you until you fell asleep. What is the last thing you remember?"

"Pain," I admitted. "I slipped and fell when I was cleaning up after- after th-they l-left." Reality hitting me again making me stumble over my words as my emotions took control.

"Hey-hey-hey, breathe darling." He said gently as he took my shoulders in his hands.
I continued once my breathing was under control again.

"I tripped over nothing and the very minimal pain that caused seemed to cause everything I was holding in come out. The pain of them lying to me, the pain of being alone, the pain of longing for them and missing them. They are my world Neil," I whispered, my sincerity and hurt laced the words themselves. I met his gaze as silent tears began to fall onto my cheeks.

As he took my face in his hands he spoke so softly, "You are not alone Devon. Please remember that. You will always have me if you need, Adam next door would do anything for you I'm sure. The guys at the shop might seem like assholes, and just because we all joke around dont think for once second that they arent there for you, they honestly love you Dev. And even though we kinda keep work and private life separate no matter what Im sure that any of them would drop everything if you were in trouble. We are a family and we have the pleasure of bringing you into it and for that I am so glad. Devon you are wonderful and I know you are hurting right now but I promise that it will get easier. Just take it day by day okay? Im here if you need help with that too, Ive gone through some similar shit." He spoke with such emotion I was thrown off a little, he was such an easy going guy that seemed to brush off feelings as baggage, but I was so wrong.

"Thank you so much Neil," I said as I took him into a hug and as we pulled apart his familiar words trailed through my head as if Id heard them before. "Alex talked to you didnt he?"

"All of them practically attacked me, Zeia and the guys as we were opening the shop." He laughed obviously caught in their master plan to babysit me.

"Thank you though, it means a lot." I finished as I got up to go downstairs, Neil picked up on this and followed me downstairs. I made my way to the kitchen to start coffee when something dawned on me. "If I was asleep for two days how long have you been here?" I questioned as I joined him on the couch.

"I kinda never left, other than being in and out a little. I stayed until you fell asleep and then got up and went downstairs for some water and kinda just hung out in case you woke back up. A couple hours passed and I figured you were sound asleep and I was walking out when you started screaming again." he paused. "I ran upstairs and I guess you were just having a nightmare or something, so I tried to wake you up which really didnt work but you stopped screaming in pain and kept sleeping. It happened once more but thats it. I stayed to make sure you were okay and that someone was here when you woke up. Zeia came over to sit with you while I got some sleep and went to get some food."

Once again taken back by myself, I didn't know what to say so naturally I didn't say anything. I just left him in silence as I went to get coffee. I returned with two cups, handing him one as I broke the silence. "Thanks for staying." I offered with a weak smile.

"I've got nothing but time," he reassured with his toothy grin, slightly reminding me of Jack Skellington. We talked about nothingness and kept conversation going until around 4:30 when he said he should check on the shop, I also declined his offer to tag along so I could get my head on straight, take care the apartment and get in contact with the boys because they had most likely had already landed in L.A.

I walked Neil to the door and thanked him endlessly for staying. "I am going to figure shit out today, to keep myself going. I should be fine to work tomorrow."

"Honey don't worry about that unless that's what you really want, I know sometimes keeping busy helps." he said cautiously.

"Thanks really but I still got bills I need to pay," I said as I motioned to my apartment. "See you tomorrow Neil." I stated before he could interject or argue with me more. I waved him off as I closed the door, breathing a sigh of relief. I retreated back to my kitchen for another cup of coffee; I sat back down on the couch and looked around taking in the silence. Damn I really do miss those boys. I picked up my phone and read through the messages I had received. I had a couple from Jack and Rian saying that Alex and Zack didn't say anything unless they absolutely had the the entire ride back to Baltimore and then even on the flight too.
I started off by texting Neil to ask him to not tell the boys what happened if he hadn't already, he complied thankfully. I then I braced myself for the first call I had to make, I chose however the most neutral party, Jack. "Hey Jacky."

Baby doll, how are you?! He practically shouted into the phone, making me laugh, You should laugh more best friend, its healthy and yours is like music. I laughed harder at Jack always making a point of calling me his best friend; he started his on-going joke about two years ago because I called him my best friend and everyone faked hurt that Jack of all people was put before them.

"Oh Jacky that's why I called you silly," I paused. "How are they?"

Absolutely miserable but trying to hide the excitement at the same time, the usual. As he went on and on it sounded like a door had opened through the phone and the rowdy noises that followed the boys around seemed to enter. My heart lurched as I heard both Alex and Zack ask who was on the phone, both of them guessing it was me most likely. Its my mom guys, chill. Get out for a second, fuck.

"Why did you lie to them?" I questioned, confused by his actions. Voices trailed and a door opened and closed again.

Because if I told them the truth I wouldn't get to talk to you. I laughed as he whispered into the phone, knowing this was true.

"Im glad to hear that they are happy though. I worry about them just as much as you guys worry about me. Even before you left, I kept catching them stealing glances, making sure I wasn't going to fall apart or something."

They just love you Dev, that's a good thing. Think of it this way, would you rather them worry about you like they did, or would you have been more hurt if they didn't do anything at all?

Damn, I guess he had a point there...

"Yeah I see where you're coming from, thanks Jack. I should probably call one of them now before they find out you're lying and tackle you." I laughed.
Call me whenever darling, Im always here. Love you Devon. Just then you heard his door opening again and Alex yelling.

You lying sack of shit! Gimme my sister you selfish, hairy bastard. After various cursing and friendly arguing Alex's voice filtered through the phone. Devon, Im hurt you chose Jack over me?

"Well if I called anyone else you would actually be mad at them for no reason, you couldn't be mad at Jack even if you wanted to." I teased.

Very true. How are you? Everything okay? Are you okay?

I laughed at his worry but knew it was genuine. "Yes Lex Im fine. I just figured I'd call and check up on you guys. I miss you but Im doing okay. Neil and Zeia have been hanging out too, they are helping."

Im glad to hear that Dev, I miss you too. His voice sounding defeated.

"Hey, hey, hey, dont do this now. Its what noon there?"

Its 1 in the afternoon, three hours behind you Dev.

"Yeah whatever, just dont get down on yourself okay? This is your dream, go enjoy it Alex. Make me proud."

Thanks Dev, you're the best. I wish you could be here, you would love it. This place is amazing! I so desperately wished I could hug him, but it was best he didn't need to know that.

"I know," I teased. "Now let me talk to Zack pleeeeeease." Some shuffling occurred and then my bassist was on the phone

Hey baby, Im glad you called. His voice was so sweet and made my heart melt and I felt my cheeks flush red.

"I am too hun, I missed your voice."

Music to my ears, I could hear him speaking through his contagious smile. How are you doing darling?

"Im alright, trying to keep busy. I go back to work tomorrow."

"I didn't know you took time off," he trailed, his voice nervous.

"I didn't, Neil gave me the past couple days off. Zeia and him have been practically taking turns babysitting me."

Yeah sorry about that, we were just nervous. You do live in New York Dev, its bigger than home and still very new.

"I know," I paused. "I think Im going to start working out to keep busy and blow off some steam."

That is great Devon! I'm so happy to hear that! At this point I had to pull my phone away from my ear because he was shouting so loud. I gave him a minute to yell to the heavens and set my phone down on the counter to refill my coffee cup and start another pot.

"Zeia said she will do it with me so at least I wont be alone, and hopefully soon I will be back in shape to out run your ass." I laughed knowing that would probably never happen.

Yeah good one babe, he laughed with me. Maybe you could keep up with me but never out run me. Just as he finished this statement the doorbell rang, I propped the phone between my shoulder and my ear. I continued talking to Zack as I walked to the front door, opening it to see Adam waiting for me. I waved him in and carried on the call as he made himself at home on the couch.

"When do you guys get in the studio to start recording?" I questioned their timeline knowing that their time in the studio would restrict what time I could talk to them.

We go in around 3:30 today to get all the paperwork squared away and get security passes and such. We start recording early tomorrow. My heart dropped, tomorrow.

"Oh that should be great to finally get started. Im seriously so proud of you guys, you know that right?"

Yes Devon, I love you baby. I gotta go now before Jack breaks my phone in half. I totally forgot I was using his. I will call you again before bed sweetie. Love you Dev, he cooed through the phone, making me blush.

"Always babe, love you too." The called ended and I turned to Adam who was playing with my lilac fender, the back of it still cover in stickers of various bands and musicians, from middle school when I got it for Christmas. I had left it out after bringing it out to tune it for some new sounds in a song, "Drop it." I threatened.

"Okay, okay," he threw his hands up in surrender after he set it back down on the couch. "How did you learn guitar so well anyway? You don't seem like the quiet band geek type."

"I taught myself how to play actually, I wasn't always this much of a social butterfly with a snakebite personality. After reading books watching videos and all that, and experimenting with different things to see what sounds I could make, a lot of trial and error back then. It ended up sounding like this," I positioned my hand towards the end of the neck, holding a G chord. I used my right hand and turned up my small amp, no bigger than a average sized purse, the volume just enough to hear in the apartment.

I strummed the chord and it caused a dull echo through the apartment. My heart raced as music began, I strummed the chord again and then with the pick in hand I dragged my hand up the neck and back down just as my fingers bounced to various chords, these actions made the guitar produce music that sounded like a keyboard or a piano, each move with my fingers precise and deliberate. I set the guitar down and kept explaining myself to Adam, although he looked like he wasnt taking anything in, just sitting in complete awe.

"Wow, you're magical, that doesn't even sound like it is coming from a guitar. Anyway I came to invite you to join me and me sisters for dinner, if you have plans that's completely fine." I went to say no immediately but found myself agreeing to join him. Adam wasn't my first choice to hang out with, but tonight was my last night off so I decided that I should take any opportunity I could get. I excused myself to go get ready and he retreated to his own apartment. He stressed there was no rush so I took my time. So after about 30 minutes of trying to find something to wear that wasn't sweatpants and a band tee, I had dressed myself in a pair of black skinny jeans with a single slit across the knee, a white button up shirt, a black, white and red Burberry scarf to face the fast approaching autumn chill, topped with a red leather jacket and some black booties that ended just above my ankle. I retouched my hair and makeup, trying not to overdo it but I also didn't want the bags under my eyes to be obvious.

I cased my guitar and picked up my sheet music back into its folder, leaving everything still on the couch. I grabbed my keys, wallet and phone as I left my apartment, locking up behind me.

Notes

sending love, stay safe darlings.