Shameless

I woke up with pins and needles in my head, squinting at the rays of light that shone from the windows.
I had an awful hangover, and my memory of last night was super blurry.
Well, that was until I tried to stretch my arms out, but soon realized that there was a person curled up to me, sleeping.
I looked down to the mangled mop of blonde hair lying on my chest, and smiled.
Everything was slowly coming back to me like pieces of a puzzle.
I invited Alex over last night, and we had a couple drinks…and then we fucked. And it was good- I at least remember that much.
I felt a sense of pride, knowing that I had gotten into Alex’s pants. That I had gotten to feel him in a more intimate way than before (and we had gotten pretty intimate on some days).
As I smiled down at the sleeping blonde, I couldn’t help but to admire him a little. He looked so cute. Adorable even. I liked the feeling of waking up to him on my chest.
I liked the sense of comfort that we had with each other in this moment.
As if he were..mine.
Wait, no. No no no.
He’s not mine. He isn’t!
I don’t do relationships. I don’t get attached. I’m in no place for one now, or ever.
A moment later, Alex began stirring, and soon opened his round, chestnut colored eyes.
He looked around a bit confused, before he looked up at me and smiled.
“Hey baby.”
Then all of a sudden, the last part of last night came back to me.
“I like you. No- I really reaaally like you.”
Alex told me he liked me. And I said it back.
I said it back.
No. No no no no no!
“Shit!” I quickly shoved him off of me, and scrambled out of the bed, despite my hangover.
“Jack? What’s wrong? Are you alright??” Alex sat up, looking very concerned.
“Alex, no!”
“What? What did I do??” He was confused as hell, while I just felt annoyed with both him and myself.
Even more so, when realized I was naked.
I cursed under my breath, and quickly pulled on my boxers from the floor.
Alex got up from the bed and walked over to me.
“Jack, what the fuck is going on?? You’re scaring me, babe..”
“No, stop!!” I screamed, making him a bit aggravated.
“Stop what?!”
“Why do you keep calling me babe?”
Alex looked at me stunned, then looked away, blushing with embarrassment.
“Uh, I don't know…you were calling me that last night so I just-“
“I was only calling you that because I was caught up in the moment. It doesn't mean that you can just call me babe and baby as if we're…together or something!!” I seemed as if I were being a little too harsh, or overdramatic, but I just can not get attached to anyone. And I can not let him get attached to me. But I guess it was too late for that now. I've got to put an end to this.
“Um..o-okay..” Alex darted his eyes around nervously, as if he were hurt and was trying to cover it up.
“Well I um..I know that we had never made anything official or anything, but you said you liked me back, so I just assumed-“
“You assumed what, Alex? That it would be okay for you to give me pet names, and then what? Go out on dates? Move in together? Become a fucking couple?? Yeah right, Alex.” I rolled my eyes at him.
His facial expression instantly went from nervous to pained, in a matter of seconds.
“B-but what do you mean?? We don't go on dates? Then w-what do you call our meet ups after work everyday?”
“Friendly get togethers.” I muttered, looking away from his saddened glare.
“Friendly?? You call that friendly, Jack??”
“Well maybe it's a little more than friendly. We kiss, we talk, we have sex. So what?”
“So what, Jack?? What am I to you? Like what even is this?? Are we some kind of friends with benefits or something??”
I looked back up at Alex, seeing that he looked completely pissed off and hurt at the same time.
“If that's what you wanna call it, then pretty much.” I shrugged, succeeding at hiding my true emotions of wanting to just tell the truth and say that I actually do want to be with him as well. But I could never do that to myself. Or him.
Even though I'm sure that I was hurting him either way.
“So…you’re telling me that really none of this was actually serious at all. You're telling me that I'm just some fuck buddy to you. You're telling me that I should've never invested my feelings in you. That I shouldn't have fallen for your tricks. Sex. That's all you really wanted from me?” Alex looked at me with tears in his eyes, looking completely hurt and defeated.
I had made him feel this way, and it gave me the worst feeling of guilt in the world. But I had to end whatever the hell this was with Alex, no matter how much it hurt me. Or him. I had to be rude, and awful, and an asshole, so that I knew he'd never come back.
To make sure that he never thinks to fall for another fool like me.
“Yeah..last night I was drunk, okay? I say things I don't mean, and-“
“So when you told me you had feelings for me..you didn't actually mean it?” I heard him start to get choked up as he spoke, and it broke my heart.
“No, I didn't.”
“So this was all just a lie. Your only motive was to get a gullible stranger in your bed? Your motive was to just string me along? I-I just…I don't get it.”
“What's there not to get, Alex? You and I were never going to become anything more than this. And if that's not what you want, then sorry. You can just leave, then.” I shrugged and looked away, hating the sight of tears escaping his beautiful eyes.
He quickly scrambled to put on his clothes, then walked out of my bedroom without a word.
Once I heard the front door slam shut, I exhaled the breath I didn't even realize I was holding.
I had just broken Alex’s heart. I felt like shit, to say the least.
He thinks I'm a total dickhead now, and I am.
I feel awful for making him feel that way, but there's really nothing I can do to fix it.
There's nothing to fix.
We can just try to go back to living our separate lives, without each other.
It'll take some getting used to, but whatever.
It's just better off this way.

Notes

Oops.
Currently listening to Full Frontal.
That's literally all I've been doing.
I suck at updating.

KIDS IN THE MOTHERFUCKING DARK. TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS.

Thanks! :)

Title cred: Can You Feel My Heart- Bring Me The Horizon