What have I done?
I can’t believe I could do something so stupid.
After Alex left my house, I was bewildered.
Who the hell did he think he was, coming to my house and yelling at me and my friend?
He couldn’t tell me what to do!
I felt frustrated and lost all good judgment.
I grabbed my keys and went out to the bar. I tried to drink it off, but I guess that was a bad idea, because soon enough, I was buying drinks for the cute blonde next to me.
We flirted (a lot), and the next thing you know, we were lip locked in the cab to my place.
I’m surprised I could even remember this much. The rest of the night was kind of foggy, but I can manage to put the pieces together.
When I woke up, though, I was confused as to why she was in my bed.
She just shrugged it off and kissed my cheek before getting dressed.
That’s when I heard the knock at the door, and I threw on a robe and slippers, while she headed out.
And just my luck, the guy at the door had to be Alex. And I just had to make him cry.
Maybe Alex and I were never in a serious relationship, but there was definitely something there.
But now there’s nothing.
I ruined it.
Since I got home this morning from picking up my car, I’ve been doing nothing but texting and calling him; saying I’m sorry and that I’m an asshole.
I never get any responses and he never picks up. And I know he’s not asleep, because he’s usually long awake at this time.
I feel so fucking bad for what I’ve done.
Usually at a time like this, I’d invite Zack over, but I just wanted to face this alone and think.
I went out on my balcony and pulled out a cigarette, placing it in between my lips and lighting it.
I exhaled the smoke and sighed deeply.
I am an ass. I’d be surprised if he did forgive me.
It’s really over this time. I blew it.
I looked out into the scenery surrounding me and thought about how I fucked up everything with Alex, as I continued to do the thing that caused this mess in the first place.
I smoked.
Because that’s what I do; I fuck things up and smoke.
I’m starting to think this is the only thing I’m capable of.
He deserves better than me. But does that mean I’m okay with living without him? No.
So I’ll give him time.

I can’t lose him forever.
I just can’t.

Notes

Here's a crappy filler about how Jack is an asshole but isn't gonna give up, you're welcome.

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Title cred: Just The Way I'm Not- All Time Low