Falling

When Jack opened the doors of his apartment, Alex literally fell into his arms, sobbing and not being able to form a full sentence. And Jack just held him. He didn’t say anything, and he didn’t need to. Alex was more than happy to just be held.

Jack had experience with crying humans, but it was always when he left them. He’d never had to deal with anyone who still relied on him. So, really, holding Alex was the only thing that he could think of. He didn’t know what to say or if he was even supposed to say anything at all, but that didn’t make him feel powerless when handling Alex in this situation.

The thing about Jack being the devil on earth made him a little bit different than others. Yes, he ate, drank, and needed to sleep, but what was most important to him was sadness and the luck he sucked out of his victims, leaving them empty and without any purpose in life. And right now Alex was full of sadness, so all Jack could do was hug him tighter and hold him as close as possible.

The first full sentence that came from Alex was, “They hate me.”

Jack didn’t care who [they were. All he really cared was that they hated Alex and how strongly that affected Alex.

Nonetheless, he asked, in a quiet voice, like talking any louder would scare Alex, “Who are they?”

“My… my brothers…” he whispered, still clutching onto Jack’s shirt like it could save his life.

“Mmm… you once said that you were close to your family. They can’t hate you. I have no idea what happened, but it can’t be anything more than a misunderstanding.”

“No.” That was the first no Alex had said to Jack, and Jack was fast to notice that. “They really do hate me. I yelled at Tayler and said fuck you to him, and I shouldn’t have done that. And he just said that I can leave if that’s what I want.” He sniffled, and Jack just hoped that his shirt stayed clean. “And I did leave. I should’ve apologized or something, but I didn’t, and now they hate me.”

“I’m sure they’ll come around.” Jack squeezed Alex tighter and rubbed his back.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Alex thought about Jack’s words. Jack bathed in Alex’s sadness.

“Jack?” his voice sounded small, like a small child’s voice.

Jack hummed in response, his hold on Alex loosening.

“I want to try something. I’m not sure it’s gonna work, but… I kind of feel that it will. Just please don’t… don’t think of me any differently.” He’d pulled back and was looking Jack in the eyes with his teary ones.

“Okay…” Jack sounded unsure, and he actually felt that way. What could Alex want to try that would change Jack’s opinion of him? One thought crossed his mind, but he pushed it away. There’s no way Alex could…

…but he was. He was taking his shirt off, looking shy even though Jack had seen him naked plenty of times and he shouldn’t feel ashamed.

“It might not work. I haven’t been able to do it for almost a year so…” but he did it. He didn’t even need to finish his sentence when two big, brown wings appeared behind his back. They weren’t perfect. They looked dirty and crumpled, the feathers looked bent and broken, but to Jack, they looked terrifying.

He stared at Alex in amazement. He looked beautiful. Threatening to Jack and his life, but still beautiful. He looked strong and untouchable. All Jack wanted to do now was run away. Far, far away. For the first time in his life, he felt scared. Terrified, to be specific. He knew and understood that Alex had no intentions of hurting him, but they had different roles in this world, which meant that they both were meant to hurt each other at any given chance. Jack was already working on it. Alex had no idea that he should even think about hurting this gorgeous man in front of him. Those wings were the sign that he trusted Jack with everything, and that made Jack keep his shit together, lean closer to Alex’s ear, and whisper, “You’re beautiful.”

He didn’t dare touch his wings. He’d heard that the burn he’d get from them was worse than just touching Alex. He’d gotten used to the light burn that spread through him when he held his hand or kissed him, but wings were something powerful. Something that Jack didn’t want to mess with. The faster they’re gone, the better.

“You have work today?” Jack had leaned back against the armrest and was looking at Alex with uneasy eyes. He was trying to fix his wings, trying to fold all the feathers back in their place. If that was even possible. For the time being, they looked the same as they did a few minutes prior.

“Yes,” Alex choked out through yet another sob, at which Jack furrowed his eyebrows.

I thought we were done with this!—but he didn’t say that. He couldn’t.

“What’s the matter?” he sat up straighter to look interested in whatever was up with Alex again.

“They’re supposed to look beautiful and healthy, but they… they look like they were pulled out of some burned down house or something.” He sniffled and ran his fingers over all the feathers that weren’t in their rightful places.

“You… you said you haven’t done this in a long time. That might have some effect on them, right?” Jack guessed. He really should be more educated about angels, since they’re his number one enemy, but it seems that he knows nothing!

“I guess. And I’m… kind of lost, so that could affect them too.” He looked so miserable that, for a moment, Jack almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

“You shouldn’t go to work today.” He decided to take this game one step further. He had nothing to lose. If Alex blew about it, he’d already ruined his relationship with his family, so that was good. Not enough, but good enough.

“What? Why?” Alex looked away from his wings and wiped at the tears that were still on his cheeks.

“No offense, but you’re kind of a wreck right now. You should stay here, or you can go home if you want to be alone. Just calm down and think everything through.”

“I don’t want to be alone,” Alex mumbled as he folded his hands in his lap and looked at them. It was like he’d never seen them before. “I better stay here. If that’s okay.”

“Of course, it’s okay.” Jack leaned over to catch Alex’s lips with his own. They were salty and wet with tears, but Alex needed that, and Jack needed to stay on his good side.

With a little smile on his lips, he got up from the couch and went to the kitchen. “You want something?” he asked Alex, taking out a bottle of whiskey for himself.

“What do you have?” Jack nearly dropped the bottle when he realized that Alex had followed right behind him.

“God! Don’t do that!” He looked at Alex, noticed that his wings were gone and that he was wearing his shirt again, mentally thanked him for that, and turned to open his fridge. “I have some wine, apple juice, coke, and milk, but you definitely don’t need that one.” He chuckled.

“And what’s that?” Alex pointed to the bottle on the table.

“Oh.” Jack looked at the whiskey and then at Alex. “I guess you can have that one, too.” He took out two glasses and poured some liquid in both of them, giving one to Alex.

“Whiskey?” Alex looked at him through his eyelashes as he was already taking a sip from the glass.

“Yes. Yes, it is.” Jack put the glass to his lips, but didn’t drink. Not yet.

-&-
The same night, nearly four hours later, Jack and Alex were sitting on the floor in Jack’s living room, legs crossed and half empty bottle between them. Most of that half had been drank by Alex. Jack himself hadn’t even had a full glass of whiskey.

“Siblings?” Alex looked at Jack with cloudy eyes.

“No, I’m all alone.” He wasn’t lying. He was the only one like this on Earth. “You?” He knew very well that Alex had many so-called brothers, but now he was interested in sibling by blood.

Alex furrowed his brows at Jack. “I came here crying because of all of them, which means that I have—”

“Yeah, I get that, but I mean like… you have parents here, right?” Alex nodded in response. “So do you have any siblings?”

“I guess. They have a daughter. She’s my sister. Three years younger.”

They have a daughter. Angels really don’t care that much about their so-called family here.

“Mhm… you have good relationship with her?”

“Haven’t seen her in few years.” He was looking past Jack, face full of concentration, trying to recall the information about his sister that Jack was asking for. “Talked with her on the phone a few months ago when she called.”

And that was okay for Jack. Alex already didn’t communicate with his family like he should. After Jack was done with him, they wouldn’t even think of communicating with him.

“Shouldn’t you call the hospital and say you won’t be there?” Jack watched as Alex refilled his, once again, empty glass.

“Oh, right!” He spun around while still sitting on the floor, nearly fell, and looked for his phone, which, if he remembered correctly, he’d thrown somewhere on the couch.

Jack watched after Alex as he got to his feet and stumbled to the kitchen, phone pressed to his ear. He listened as Alex mumbled out apologies for not calling earlier and promising to arrive on the time the next day. If only he knew, Jack smiled to himself.

“They didn’t believe me,” Alex whined as he fell down next to Jack, his head falling on Jack’s shoulder.

“What did you say to them?” He brushed a few strands of hair that had fallen in Alex’s eyes out of the way and looked him in the eye.

“That I didn’t feel well, probably sick or something. I wasn’t lying! I do feel bad!” He looked up at Jack—specifically, at his lips.

“Don’t worry about that,” Jack mumbled and leaned down to kiss Alex.

-&-
“You know what’s even better than this?” Jack looked at Alex, his eyes practically shut and a lazy smirk on his lips. He was so hooked.

“Mmm?” he hummed, letting his eyes slip shut and his head fall against the back of the couch.

“Morphine. It’s ridiculously expensive on the streets, and it’s impossible to get it legally without a prescription. Then it would be cheaper.” Jack sounded as if he was stating some “by the way” fact when, in reality, he was expecting to get some from Alex.

“We have tons of it at the hospital. Both as pills and injections.” He flapped his hand around in the air before it landed on Jack’s shoulder and he was able to pull himself closer to the other without opening his eyes. “Imagine how high we’d be if we secretly took it.” He giggled. “And imagine all the plastic surgeries…” He started to laugh. “They’d all go so wrong.” He had abandoned Jack’s shoulder and had fallen down on the floor, on his knees, tears threatening to spill from his eyes because of the laughter.

“Shit, my back hurts.” His laughter had died down and he was talking in the most serious tone you can imagine. “I should get some of that for my back. It wouldn’t be illegal then. I work there, I can take it. And if I took it while still at the hospital…” He was now on his hands and knees and staring down at the carpet.

Jack just looked at him. Watched his every move in plain amazement. Once Alex had gotten a hold of heavy drugs, he was done. He was everything Jack wanted him to be. He did everything Jack wanted him to do, and he thought that it was his idea. Not Jack’s. Nothing he did was initiated by Jack. At least that’s what he thought.

“Oh God, I’m gonna be sick,” he muttered before he got up from the floor and ran toward the bathroom.

-&-
Was he really going to do it? It had been weeks since that little talk in Jack’s apartment. There had been other talks since then, but that one thought just didn’t want to leave his mind. It was so easy. It was one little step away from him. Just scan his card and the doors would open for him like the gates of Heaven. His little paradise.

His back hurt like hell, his throat felt dry, he was sweating more than he should, his hands were shaking, and he was supposed to do a surgery in less than forty minutes. If he didn’t do it soon, he might as well just jump out of the window. Then it all would be gone. No pain in his back, no sweating, no shaky hands, and no surgeries.

But he wanted to live. He wanted this for Jack. He had found something that made him get up every morning and do his boring, daily jobs, which didn’t seem so boring now. They were filled with excitement. For example, this one hour before surgery, old Alex would be visiting patients, filling in their families about what would happen next and what to expect, then he would head down to the room where it would all happen. New Alex was standing in front of a metal door with his ID card in his shaky hand and thinking about all the medicaments hidden behind.

He looked at his hand, holding that little plastic card, and saw it moving towards the doors… then, there was a beeping sound and soft click. He let out a nervous laugh, looked around him to make sure that no one had heard, and practically ran inside of the room before closing the door behind him.

He looked around himself at all the shelves filled with all sizes of bottles and plastic bags. M, I need M. He scanned through the shelf with the letter M on it, causing his breathing to get jerkier and his hands to shake harder.

“Fucking hell, where is it!” he whisper-yelled before his eyes landed on at least a dozen bottles and plastic bags with the same word written on them. “Thank God.”

He picked up one of the bottles, one that was opened already, and took two pills in his hand. Jack. He’ll want some of this, too. He said it. It’s expensive. He counted twenty other pills, stuffed them in the pocket of his sickeningly green hospital pants, and put the bottle back on the shelf.

He felt a sharp pain shoot through his shoulder blades, nearly making him scream out loud. He clenched his teeth and felt all of his body tense up. “This better help.” He swallowed the two pills he’d taken for himself dry and hoped to get through the surgery.

-&-
“How do you feel?” Jack asked, clear concern in his voice. He really wanted to know how Alex felt. The worse he feels, the better for Jack.

“Doesn’t hurt so much, but it still feels like someone is trying to tear my back in half. Right in the middle,” he mumbled back, voice muffled by the pillow he was hiding his face in.

He felt embarrassed. He was lying on his stomach, his wings laid across the whole bed, looking lifeless. Bent feathers were the first ones to fall out, now leaving empty patches on them. Others had started to look the same—dirty, battered, and broken. His wings looked like a stray cat’s fur, dirty from spending too many nights in basements or under random cars. Looking at them made Alex want to cry, but trying to move them actually caused him to cry. It felt like trying to pick up ten buckets filled with cement, and the dull pain at the base of them didn’t help either.

Jack sat at the end of the bed and stared at Alex struggling to fold his wings on his back. He heard him sobbing into the pillow, he saw his knuckles turn white from gripping the same pillow, he saw those dirty feathers lightly flutter against his comforter, but they didn’t move. Not the way Alex wanted, anyway. They moved closer to his sides, but that was far from where Alex wanted them.

He saw Alex’s back muscles tense and one wing actually made its way to his back. It also made blood appear at the base of the wing and one loud sob to escape Alex’s lips.

“Holy shit!” Jack gasped, his shock as real as it could be. “Is it really like…? Are you falling?” Of course, he knew that angels can fall, and he wanted to do that to Alex, but obviously he had never experienced that and seeing it in real life kind of freaked him out.

“Yes,” Alex choked out, feeling his own blood on his back making him shiver. “Can you… can you put the other…” he didn’t finish his sentence but Jack got what he wanted to say.

Through those two painful weeks (painful for Alex. Jack was actually quite enjoying them), Jack had discovered that touching his wings didn’t burn as much as it should. In fact, even that burning feeling was like a far and dark memory for Jack.

-&-
Alex made his way down to the medications room, pain never leaving his back even with all the morphine in his system. He was surprised he was still able to even walk straight and not vomit his guts out, but he didn’t complain.

When he entered the room, he wasn’t looking at an empty room, filled with shelves and medicaments that could save his life. He was standing face-to-face with the hospital’s head doctor.

“Alexander, I was hoping to meet you here.” He pushed his glasses back on his nose and looked Alex head to toe. “You don’t look good.”

“I… I’m…”

“Wait,” the doctor put his hand up to silence him. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something. Something that’s been bothering me for few weeks, I think. You have some idea what I mean by that?”

Alex did have some idea, but he wasn’t an idiot. He might have some withdrawal symptoms and he might be desperate to get some of those pills, but he wasn’t an idiot. He wasn’t going to tell everything. So he just shook his head.

“You do know that I can see who enters this room thanks to that little card in your hand. You also may remember that doctors, especially surgeons, don’t need to come here as often as you have been. Nurses come here. They take care of all the medication. I didn’t want to seem like I would be paranoid about something, so I just asked some nurses to check everything in here. You know what they reported back to me?” He looked at Alex expectantly, like looking right into his soul. But Alex kept his act up and shook his head. “We’re seriously lacking on some morphine. Not much, but for something like morphine, it’s serious.”

The doctor kept burning Alex with his eyes and Alex kept staring back, teeth clenched together because of the pain in his back. He really just wanted to break down. Just fall on the floor and curl into a ball.

“Alex, you’ve always been one of the best employees we’ve ever had. Why are you doing this? Even before this started to happen I noticed some drastic changes in your behavior. You became careless, cancelled appointments, surgeries, called in sick even though it was obvious you weren’t sick. And you look… you look like you have some serious problems.”

“I…” he started again. He had to say something. He couldn’t stand there looking like some retard. He may have a problem with his wings, a serious one, but other than that, he was perfectly fine. “I had some problems with my family.”

“Alex, problems with the family don’t show like the problems on your face. I can’t let you stay here. You can’t operate on people if you can’t stop your hands from shaking without another dose of morphine.”

“No,” Alex whispered, understanding what was happening. “You can’t fire me. No. Please. I… I’ll stop this, I just…”

“Alex, I can’t let you work here in the state you’re in. And stealing from the hospital? You should be thankful I’m not calling police. You could go to prison for this.”

“No, no. I can stop! Seriously. I’ve just been having problems with my back, and it helped. I’m sorry, I should’ve done…”

“Stop lying, Alex. Get some help.” He snatched the ID card from Alex’s trembling fingers.

-&-
He went home. He went to Jack. That was where his home was. That’s what he thought.

“Hey,” he said quietly when Jack opened the door for him. “They fired me.”

On the inside, Jack was ecstatic. On the outside, he looked dumbstruck and just managed to get out an, “Oh.”

“Do you still have some of that… the one you gave me a few days ago?” he asked shyly. He hated asking for something, but he really needed it.

“Yeah, sure, but I’m going out. My father asked me do some things for him so… take it,” he gave the small plastic bag to Alex with two light colored pills in it. Just two.

“Okay.” Alex felt like a kicked puppy. He hoped that Jack would let him in, hug and kiss him, but he just shoved him out. Without any emotions written on his face or in his words. Nothing.

-&-
“Hey,” Alex’s quiet voice echoed through the speaker of the phone.

“Hey, Alex. How’s it going?” Marcus didn’t sound like Marcus. He didn’t sound happy to hear Alex.

“Can… can we meet?” Even before the question was out, Alex knew the answer, but when he got it, it still hurt.

“I… I’m sorry, but I can’t make it. I’m quite busy right now.”

“Marcus, please.” His voice broke, and he felt like crying. He really needed someone. Someone who could just sit there with him. They didn’t need to talk. Just be there, next to him.

“I’m sorry, but no. Goodbye, Alex.” He ended the call before Alex could say anything. That’s when he broke down. Right outside of Jack’s apartment building. In his car.

He pulled his knees up to his face and cried. He tried to ignore the burning in his dry throat, he tried to ignore the shaking hands and horrifying pain in his back, and when it happened, he also tried to ignore the warm blood running down his back and soaking his shirt.

-&-
“Come on. Help me out here a bit,” Jack panted as he pulled a half unconscious Alex with him up the stairs.

He’d returned home, not expecting to find Alex sitting in his car, right where he left him hours ago. Alex was passed out, bloody shirt starting to dry and stick to his back. It was obvious to Jack that it’d all end soon, and he needed to see that. He needed to know that it really was done, so there was no other choice but to force Alex to wake up and make him cooperate.

He huffed in relief when he let Alex fall onto his bed. He helped him out of his shirt, rolled him so that he was lying on his stomach, and scurried to the bathroom to get something to clean all the blood away. He didn’t have anything that would be useful in this situation. He never needed anything like that, but this was important. He needed to make sure that his wings were gone so he settled for his towel. He was okay with sacrificing one of his towels for this.

When he returned to his bedroom with the damp towel in his hand, Alex’s eyes were open. They were filled with fear and pain, and he probably didn’t even understand where he was and why, but he was more or less conscious.

Jack dropped down on his bed and started to clean the dried blood first, then moved up to the fresher stream on Alex’s shoulder blades. It didn’t matter how much Jack cleaned the blood off, there were still fresh dribbles seeping out through two vertical scars.

-&-
The next two days Alex spent curled up in a small ball under the covers in Jack’s room. Alone. Jack had said that he still needed to do something. Something his father had asked for. Alex didn’t cry. He felt numb and empty. He hadn’t taken off the shirt Jack gave him because he was scared of what he’d see. Nothing. Nothing but two scars on his back.

Sometimes during those two days, he wanted to get wasted. Just walk in Jack’s kitchen and take every bottle of alcohol he could find. But he didn’t. He just couldn’t make himself get up. He felt like he was dead. Alive people can’t feel how he felt. He didn’t feel like eating and drinking. He felt sick. He had drank some water, but even then he felt like he wouldn’t be able to keep it down.

He just wanted Jack to come back home. He wanted to know that he wasn’t alone. That there was still someone who cared. When Jack came home, he didn’t get what he had expected.

“Get up,” Jack said in a stern voice.

Alex didn’t answer. He didn’t trust his voice. He just stared at him with wide eyes.

“Alex, get up,” he repeated as he pulled all the covers off of his body and grabbed his wrists to pull him out of the bed.

“Ja-ack.” His voice was shaky, and now he felt like crying.

“You can’t spend the rest of your miserable life here. You need to get out of my apartment.” Jack left Alex sitting on his bed while he collected various items of clothing that he later threw to Alex. “Wear those.”

“What?” Alex looked at the clothes and then back at Jack.

“That means get dressed,” he said in a voice that didn’t belong to Jack. This wasn’t the Jack he was used to. This wasn’t the Jack he’d waited for. But he did get dressed.

When he left Jack’s bedroom, he found him sitting on his couch. “Jack? What… what’s happening?”

“That’s the stupidest question you could’ve asked.” Alex knew that, but there were nothing else he could think to ask. “You’re out of my apartment and out of my life. I don’t have time for you.” He reached for a cigarette on his table and lit it.

“What?”

“God! You weren’t this stupid at the beginning!” He let out a cloud of grey smoke. “Your so-called brothers were right. I am the devil, and you were stupid enough to not listen to them and come to me. Which I’m not complaining about. You really helped me, and you were great in the bed. You were great.” He winked at him. “Now, here are your keys and your phone. Your car is right where you left it.” He got up from the couch, leaving his still burning cigarette on some questionable looking plate and walked to Alex. “Have fun with your pathetic life now, babe.” He pressed a kiss to his lips, dropped the phone and the keys in Alex’s hands, and pushed him out of his apartment.

-&-
Alex felt like dying. He felt like climbing to the top of Jack’s building and jumping down, but he didn’t. He couldn’t let him have that satisfaction. He had strong feeling for him, but now he knew that he was really the devil. He didn’t feel shocked. He guessed that, deep down, he’d always known who Jack really was. He was just lost. He didn’t want to see the reality.

He’d spent three weeks moping in Marcus’s house. He didn’t understand why Marcus let him stay, but he said nothing. In those three weeks, he’d said less than three full sentences. He just didn’t know what to say, how, or even why. He didn’t see why he should talk. People just talk and talk, but why? What good do they get from talking?

He left Marcus’s house in the middle of night. He didn’t want to try and explain why or where he was going. He knew that Marcus wanted nothing to do with him. They weren’t family anymore. He was almost a traitor. He left his family to get in bed with the devil.

He was on a highway. He hoped to go to San Francisco. He’d always wanted to go there, but with all the angel stuff and his family, he couldn’t. He needed to stay where his family was. He had no choice. But now he did, and now he was going there. He didn’t know what he’d do with his life or how he’d survive but, right now, he couldn’t think of that. He didn’t want to.

-&-
He’d always liked sunrises. They somehow felt magical. All the colors in the sky and their reflection on the surface of water. It only felt logical for him to stop his car in the middle of the Golden Gate Bridge, get out, and just watch it. In the sky and on the water. He felt like he was standing on the edge of the world. He felt free. Still empty but free. He felt like he could make something work. Maybe. If he pulled himself together. But he didn’t know how.

He sat down and looked at the water below him. It didn’t look dark or threatening. It was beautiful.

“Don’t jump,” someone’s calm voice sounded behind him. Alex turned his head around to see some middle-aged man standing a safe ten meters behind.

“I won’t,” Alex replied in a monotone voice.

“Oh, good.” The man seemed to relax. Alex heard his footsteps come closer. He didn’t come to sit next to him. He just stood there. Closer to him, but not too close. He still didn’t believe him.

“Do you want me to call someone?” he asked Alex. He looked at the water but also saw Alex. Alex, who looked too sad and empty for being so young.

“No,” Alex replied, not looking away from the water.

“Who are you?” the man asked, turning his body toward Alex and looking at his profile.

Alex let his eyes follow some small boat as he said, “Nobody.”

Notes

I actually started to feel bad for Alex. He didn't deserve that....

Also, I started to wonder why in all of my fics Alex seems to be the one who needs to go through all of the hard things... just wondering...

Hope you liked/loved this one ;D