We'll Let The Fires Just Bathe Us

I was flying the next night but Jack was inside. I’d now gotten the hang of landing so I didn’t have to worry about someone having to catch me. I did one of my favorite things to do which was fly up really high, then drop down. Right before I hit the ground, I’d flap and gently land only the ground. I smiled to myself and looked up at the starlit sky but then a horrible feeling filled my gut and I felt like a deer being stalked. My breath quickened and I spun around. I immediately knew who it was though I’d never seen him before so my heart jumped up into my throat and I almost fell down.

There was Jack.

But not my Jack.

This was obviously his shadow because though he looked exactly like him, somehow they were completely different. This Jack was covered head to toe in blood. His teeth looked the same, but they seemed sharper and more deadly.

His eyes though…

His eyes were what scared me.

They were so wild, so black, so dark. I couldn’t just see how empty, angry, and hollow he was, I could feel it. I didn’t want to look at them because they scared me so much.
I’d seen Jack pissed, I’d seen him terrifying, and I’d seen his eyes go ebony in half a second but he’d never scared me as much as this Jack did.

“J-Jack.” I tried to call for him but nothing but a strangled whisper came out.

“I am here.” He grinned, his terrifying eyes flashed.

His voice was like ice that made me cringe. It was like needles piercing my eardrums. My whole body went cold.

“You’re not Jack.” I said in a voice just above a whisper.
“Oh but I am.” He replied, taking a step forward.

I stumbled back and didn’t take my eyes off him.

“I’m just as much him as you are you.”

I shook my head, not finding the courage to speak.

It’s hard to explain how he made me feel. He made me feel like I were inches from death, like I was a second away from drowning, like every fiber of my being was being watched, like I was prey about to be killed.

“I have a question though.” He said.
“Ask away, I’m an open book.” I said through gritted teeth.

Jack chucked darkly.

“How long do you really think he will fight to protect you?” He asked.

I was about to take my breath to reply but then,

“As long as it takes.” Said a stone cold voice behind me.

I didn’t need to turn around, I knew who it was. The shadow before me’s eyes flashed up to Jack.

“Hello me.” He grinned, “I was just chatting with our friend here.” my Jack grabbed my arm and pulled me behind him.
“Well it only makes sense that all of us should be here.” Jack retorted.
“Oh you always were the one with the humor.” The shadow chuckled.
“I wasn’t being funny.” Jack snarled.
“You’re always funny, always. That’s probably what he liked about you.” The shadow chuckled.

Jack visibly tensed.

“Don’t speak of him. Don’t you dare.” He snapped.
“Why not? You’re allowed, and I am you after all.”
“No you aren’t me. You’re just the anger, the hate, and the rage that used to be in me.”
“No Jack, I’m the anger, the hate, and the rage that is you.” He pressed, stepping forward again, leaving a bloody footprint.

Jack pushed me farther behind him.

“You don’t honestly think you can protect him do you? I remember us having this very same conversation about fifty years ago when it was a different frightened boy behind you.”
“You will never touch him. Do you understand? He is under my protection.”
“You said that about the last one, what was his name… Eric? Peter? Patrick? Patrick!” He cried, a happy glint in his eye, “Anyway, you said that about him but how long did it take before you slipped and he was chained to my bed?” Jack’s grip on my arm tightened, “While he begged, he screamed for mercy but I didn’t give it to him.”

I placed my hand on Jack back and felt him shaking from outrage.

“Oh how he pleased me, Jack. He kept me entertained for days. So small, so soft, so innocent…Well at least until I got to him and pounded into him so hard he cracked his skull on the headboard.”

Just like that Jack pounced.

I jumped back and watched as Jack pounded his shadow’s face in. Jack grabbed his shirt collar and right before going for a devastating blow, the shadow rasped out.

“You can hit me all you want, but no matter what you do, you can’t undo what I did and let me tell you I did him.” Then as Jack’s fist swung down, the shadow was gone making Jack’s fist hit thin air.

Jack leaned onto his forearms with his hands in his hair as he let out a devastating scream. My heart broke at the sight of him. He rocked back and forth, silent tears streaming down his face and I wondered who this Patrick was. Jack took in a shuddered breath and the next thing I did was instinct. my wings came forward and I completely wrapped him in both my arms and wings. He was enveloped in softness and warmth as I felt his head hit my chest. We sat there for a long time before Jack took in a shuddered breath.

“Patrick was my slave fifty years ago. He was small and skinny, kind of like you, and when he was brought to the market, he was barely clinging to life. He was just a skeleton with bones as hollow as a sparrow’s. Normally I’d just pass over slaves like that but I didn’t pass over him. I don’t know why, I just didn’t. When I walked up to his cage, he knew exactly who I was but he didn’t look away or cower, he just looked at me with these huge eyes, it seemed like he was curious to know who I was, not what I was. So I bought him. It took a week of care before he could walk again. He was always so gentle and kind, even though I hurt him on so many occasions. His kindness made me angry...because I knew I didn’t deserve it, then I figured out that I didn’t deserve him. I knew someone as vile as me belonged in the Fourth Quarter, but only me. No one else deserves it more than me. I was at a constant battle with myself. Half of me loved him, loved him with all my heart, he was the only thing that made life worth living. The other half however, hated him. Hated him and hated me and was just filled with so much anger. When I saw him, half of me wanted to kiss him and love him and never let him go, and the other half wanted him to die a horrible, horrible death. I always had this horrible little bug in me ear. Telling me to do horrible things. things like,
“Kill those children. Kill them now.”
“Rape that girl, make her scream.”
“Take that man and torture him until he goes insane from pain.”
It was content, it never ended. One day, I snapped and nearly beat Patrick to death but when I came back to reality and realized what I’d done, he did what he always did. He showed compassion and forgiveness. Alex, he was so pure and good. I swear he was a human, meant to be an angel. I called up an old friend…Well not really friend… She hated me but she was very kind to humans and promised me she would take care of him. The reason I did that was…Because the voices they were just…Always there. Always so deafening. Half of me loved the screams and loved the pain they felt, but then there was that part of me that wanted to help them even though I knew I couldn’t. I got so caught up in all the guilt from the darkness, the thoughts, and the temptations to do horrible things, that I realized that I didn’t even deserve to be alive at the same time as him. So I got fourteen bottles of sleeping pills and took all of them with a bottle of whiskey. I died and all I remember was standing in a white room. Then horrible, awful pain. I don’t know how long it was, seconds, minutes, hours, days, but then I grew very cold as the pain stopped. I looked forward and there was my shadow. Identical to me but covered in blood and with that horrible evil look. I realized that I didn’t have evil thoughts running through my head and that those thoughts were caused by my shadow. He said to me,
“You have freed me. Now I’m able to do all those things I tried to get you to do.”
I woke up where I’d tried to kill myself and discovered that I’d been out for two weeks. I got Patrick back and explained everything to him, which then resulted in him being even more kind, if that was even possible. I told him I’d protect him Lex.” Jack whimpered, looking up at me. “I told him I’d never let anything happen to him…And he believed me.”

I couldn’t say anything. Now I understood. It wasn’t Jack’s fault he was like this.

He was made this way.

“I had to leave the house to sort out some things with one of the other Rulers. I wasn’t willing to bring Patrick out so far from home, but I didn’t want to leave him by himself so I left him in Ethan’s protection. You remember him, you had the pleasure of meeting him at the restaurant the other day. Ethan was my best friend…Well I thought he was my best friend…Anyway, Ethan betrayed me and my shadow took Patrick and…Well I’m sure you can figure the rest out.” He murmured, looking up at me.

That’s when I realized.

Two days ago, right after I’d convinced Jack to try painting, I saw something in his eyes, something I’d seen many times before. Finally, I knew what it was. It was regret. Regret, and loneliness, and pain, and every other sad emotion you can imagine. A pang hit my chest, how could one person hold so much sadness?

“Jack.” I whispered. “That wasn’t your fault.”
“But it was!” He cried out, jumping out of my arms and wings, “All of it! I’m responsible for every single person that has been hurt by my shadow!”
“No! That shadow isn’t you! This” I pressed my hand to his chest, “This is you. You love music. You are sarcastic. You are captivating. You are not the anger and the hate that used to be in you.”
“But I am! Ever since I can remember, I had that voice telling me to do these horrible things.”
“Jack I want you to listen to me very carefully. It’s not your thoughts, but your actions that define you.”
“Did you just fucking reference batman?” He interrupted with a scoff.
“Shut the fuck up and listen. You had a voice in your head telling you to do bad things and most of the time, you fought it off. True, you might’ve slipped a couple times, but think about all the times you didn’t.” I said. “And right now, you telling me that you regret all the bad things you’ve done, proves that you are worth saving.”

Notes

title cred: Angels by Mayday Parade



well some shit just went down