Chapter 22 - Alex

At first I thought we mixed up the rooms, because someone else opened the door. He was dressed in black, with the brightest red hoodie my eyes have ever seen. He looked very nice and called Josh babe. I connected the dots that it's probably his boyfriend and if not, they were definitely involved.
''I didn't catch your names.'' He said. ''I'm Tyler.'' He introduced himself.
''Oh, sorry... I'm Alex, this is Jack, my boyfriend.'' I said. He smiled at us.
''Aw, you look really cute together.'' He complimented us and I felt sick. This is Josh's boyfriend? How did he get this beautiful, genuinely nice guy with that stupid attitude of his? Maybe he really has changed.

''Thank you.'' Jack said and I just smiled back. Then Josh came to the door, wrapping his arm around Tyler's waist.
''Oh, Alex... hey. Jack...'' He said with a serious tone in his voice.
''Hey, Josh... can I speak to you in private please? It's important.'' I asked. I could see he was hestitating but I was hoping he would take a few minutes for me, since I was building up courage to do this for quite a while.
''Uhm, yeah. Come in.'' He said, signalling me to come inside. Tyler quickly caught up with the situation, looking at Josh, giving him a little warm smile.
''I'm gonna grab a quick drink with Jack here, leave you guys to it. See you later.'' He calmy said, grabbed his wallet and stuffed it in his back pocket. He then pressed a kiss on Josh's lips, heading out. ''It was nice to meet you Alex.'' He said and smiled.

''Yeah, you too, man.'' I replied, returning a grin. Jack waved at me, mouthing an I love you. I nervously smiled back at him, nodding. Palms were getting sweaty and my heart started racing, this was it. It's now or never, I had to do this for me, for Jack and somehow for Josh too. The door closed and Josh invited me to sit down on their small sofa.

''Sorry, it's a bit messy, still settling in.'' He said, picking up sweaters and hoodies, shoving them in the nearest closet. I assume the very bright stuff was Tyler's because Josh never liked wearing those colours. He was more black, red and white kind of guy. At least he was when we were hanging out.
''It's okay, our room is messy too.'' I chuckled, trying to hide my anxiety and the fact that my heart was pounding in my chest.
''So, this is a surprise, I thought you never wanted to speak to me again...'' He said, crossing his legs, leaning back on the sofa.
''Uhm, yeah... I was thinking about it and I, I t-thought t-that we need to t-talk this out...'' I was shivering, and not that kind that occurs when Jack is kissing me, it was the anxiety kind of shivering that made my vision blurry at times.
''Fuck!'' I muttered quietly.
''Alex, just breathe, deep, come on.'' He got closer to me, rubbing my back and the back of my neck gently.
''With me, one... two...three... deep breaths.'' His voice was soothing. I could actually see my hands shake and feel my whole body vibrate, when I got deja vu.

*Flashback*
''Alex, it's gonna be okay, come here!'' Josh was yelling and running after me.
''Alex stop!'' He was shouting but I kept on running. I kept running away from him, gasping for air, stuggling with breathing. I suddenly tripped and fell to the ground, face down.
''Alex! Jesus Christ!'' Josh spat out, panicking.
''Are you alright, are you hurt? Let me check.'' He was saying but I wasn't listening. I didn't want to. All I could see in my head was my dead baby brother and my parents crying. I'm so sorry, the doctors were saying. This sentence was echoing in my head.
''Oh my god Alex, your nose is bleeding.'' Josh said, worried about me and my condition. He dropped to his knees, pulling me up into his lap.
''You'll be okay.'' He said, checking my nose if it was broken.
''Oh, it's not broken. Come on, breath with me Alex. Deep breaths.'' He was repeating. I was sobbing into his shirt, grabbing his leather jacket, holding him tight.
''He's gone, Josh... he's fucking gone! It's not fair!'' I kept screaming.
''It's okay, he's in a better place now, you all did everything you could.'' He was shushing me, helping me with my breathing exercises I was in need of when a panic attack struck.
''He hasn't even lived his life, it should be me, WHY WASN'T IT ME!'' I cried out.
''He would be so much better at living life than I ever was or will be!''
''Shhhh, Alex, I love you, don't cry. Breathe.'' His voice was soothing, it made me calmer and helped me through this hell of a mental disease I have.
''You'll be alright, I promise.'' He said.
He promised...

I was gasping for air, tears started to form in my eyes but I tried to prevent for them from coming out.
''Breathe Alex, come on. I can't do this without you.'' He said. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. Once they started rolling down my cheeks, they just kept on coming. I didn't let any sound escape my mouth, I was just quiet.
''Alex, I'm so sorry about everything, please don't cry.'' He kept rubbing my back, trying to calm me down but I was so over everything, I cried so much because of him there were no tears left. I wiped my cheeks with the tissue he handed me and looked into his eyes.
''Why did you lie about me?'' I asked. His golden brown eyes were staring into mine with regret and worry.
''I don't know. I was going through a rough patch too Alex. My mom left us and my father started drinking... I was there for you... always.'' He said, looking like he was about to cry. I felt stupid, not once have I asked him about any of his problems but I was just a kid. Then I remembered what he said the other day we talked in the bathroom. He was just a stupid kid.
''I was there when you had panic attacks, I was there when you wanted to overdose on pills because you wanted to see Tom again, I loved you every single step of the way, I did everything for you. Then you said you didn't want me. You hurt me so much Alex, you have no idea how hard it was moving away from you.'' He lowered his head, looking down and then back up at me, his eyes all puffy, little tears rolling down his cheeks.
''After my sister left for college, things have gone worse. My dad beat me, he abused me every single fucking day!'' He said.
''You said the bruises were from fights. Why didn't you tell me the truth?'' I asked. I felt genuinely sick. I can't believe I have been blaming him for everything when I was just as guilty.
''Because you were in pain! I didn't want to add any more problems, you've had enough on your own.'' He wiped his tears away with his hand. I was sitting there, looking at him and listening. I have never in my life seen him like this... Broken.
''I left to live with my aunt and cousin because my dad broke two of my ribs and my nose. He came back home drunk, blaming me for my mother leaving us, saying I drove her away. We got into an arguement and he beat me. He didn't even call the ambulance, I had to do it myself, after I dragged myself to reach the phone when he left the house.'' He was sniffling.
I put my hand on his shoulder. ''I'm so sorry Josh. I really am, I had no idea all this was happening to you. I wish you would've told me.'' And I did. Maybe I could help him like he helped me. Maybe things would be different today.
''But why did you lie about me?'' I asked, carefully wiping away the tear off his cheek with my thumb.
''Because I was pissed out of my mind! You were the only person I loved and had and then you said you didn't want me anymore. I said I hated you but I didn't. It was far from that. I realize what a stupid immature mistake I've done... and I'm sorry. I truly am.'' He said, turning his head to me, looking at me with red puffy eyes.
''I forgive you, really. I'm the one that should be sorry in the first place. I was selfish and stupid to say no to you. I'm as sorry as a person can be in this world, Josh. I hope you can forgive me one day.'' I said and pulled him into a hug. I missed him so much.
''I do, I never wanted to lose you.'' He said, wrapping his arms around my waist.
''Heck, we were just kids, we kind of still are. But I would like to be your friend, if you want...'' I hesitated but I was truthful, I wanted Josh in my life, as a friend. He was good to me and I couldn't just neglect the help he gave me whenever I needed it, without me saying.
He pulled away and showed a little smile.
''I'd like that.'' He replied.
''Good.''

After the talk, I felt massive relief. Our puffy eyes were soon back to normal and Josh took two redbulls from the mini fridge and handed me one. We were just sitting there, catching up on those two long years that passed since we've last seen each other. He told me about Tyler, how he met him when he transferred to a new school. They have been a couple for almost two years and he told me all about how happy Tyler makes him, how he plays his little ukulele and sings for him every night. I was really glad Jack pushed me to make this decision and talk to Josh. I saw just how much I actually lost when he moved away, even though we parted in the worst possible way. I will always love him in my own special way.
He said that Jack seems really nice and I told him how we're perfect for each other and that I'd do anything for him. He said I changed for the better and that Jack is happy to have me.

30 minutes later, Jack and Tyler came back to the dorm and we decided to get some dinner together. A huge weight was lifted off my chest and after a long time I felt clean.

Notes

This was emotionally exhausting but I love every single bit of what I wrote.
<3