There's A Ghost In This Room

Well guess what the fuck I did last night?
Got drunk and made a fool of myself?
Poured beer all over Ashlynn Wilson’s head?
Got Jack in trouble with his parents?
Accidentally told my best friend I liked him?
Also kissed my best friend?
How about all of the above.
I honestly don’t know how to feel about all of this.
Sure, I wanted to kiss Alex, and all those dumb, drunken things I said about him were true, but it was still so surreal.
I mean, he’s Alex. My best friend since like, forever.
Sure, I had begun to get these strange, torturous, loving feelings towards him, but I never thought I’d ever act on them.
I never thought that he’d act on them. Hell, I never would’ve thought that he ever even liked me in that way! I was drunk and blabbering on about how much I liked him, and the next thing I knew, he was kissing me.
It felt so nice..I mean, SO NICE, to kiss him. His lips were so soft..the moment felt so perfect. It wasn’t exactly how I imagined my first kiss to be, but I’m actually kinda glad that it was Alex who took my lip virginity.
Now that I think about it, there really isn’t anyone else that I would rather kiss. I do like him. I like him a lot more than I would like to admit.
And he said he liked me, too.
Which is why I’m really confused.
He wasn’t there when I woke up. I didn’t see or hear from him all weekend. I didn’t see him this morning before school. I really haven’t seen him all day.
I’ve been worried sick about him.
What if something happened to him?
Even worse, what if it’s my fault??
Maybe he regrets that night.
Maybe I scared him off.
Maybe he thought kissing me was just a huge mistake.
Fuck fuck fuck.
I could just be over thinking, as I do all the time, but I could also be right.
Even though as of right now, I am hoping and praying that I’m wrong.
The bell just rang for lunch, and I thought that I would maybe see him there.
It was raining, and much too cold to sit out in the courtyards, so everyone pretty much stayed inside.
I spotted Jack uncomfortably sitting at a small empty table in the corner. The cafeteria was pretty crowded, and people were definitely not his thing. I would know how he felt; people have honestly caused me nothing but pain.
“Hey, Jack.” I greeted him as I sat down next to him.
“Hey..” He responded with a nod.
“So…how’d it go with the parents??”
“Bad. I’m grounded, not that I ever really go anywhere..and I’m not allowed to hang out with you guys anymore, because they think you’re a bad influence.”
I laughed at that, and shook my head.
“You couldn’t think up a lie??”
“I don’t see how I could’ve..she thinks we stole alcohol from your fridge or something.” He shrugged and rolled his eyes.
“Well, at least that’s better than telling her we were at a party full of sex-crazed, drunken teenagers.”
“Ha, that’s true..” Jack chuckled.
After a small moment of silence, I began to speak again.
“So um…have you seen Alex??”
Jack gave me a look of shock that left me confused.
“What??” I raised a brow at him.
“Nothing, I just didn’t realize you two were on speaking terms after..you know..Ashlynn.”
Oh, we’re on more than speaking terms.
I blushed at the thought, and shook my head.
“No, we’re fine. More than fine, really. But..I just haven’t heard from him since the party..”
“Oh my god, you fucked??” Jack’s eyes widened, and so did mine.
“No no no!! Still a virgin, here!” I reassured him.
I had forgotten that Jack thought we were dating. Now, I wasn’t so sure if that was actually the case or not.
“Oh. Then what happened??”
“Nothing.”
“Something.”
“Okay, something. But I don’t exactly know what it meant anymore, so I don’t wanna talk about it and get my hopes up. Okay?”
“Okay…” Jack gave me a weird look, then turned back to look straight ahead.
“Hey! There he is!!” He pointed over to Alex, sitting at a table.
I instantly felt my heart speed up in my chest, and my palms got all sweaty.
There he was.
Flipping his brunette bangs out of his eyes, and leaning over to-
kiss Ashlynn on the cheek.
And in that moment, I felt my heart sink.
“Beth?” Jack saw what had happened, and turned to give me a look of pure concern.
“I’m sorry, I’ll talk to you later, okay?” I sadly excused myself, and stood up to finish my lunch in a classroom. I just needed to get out of there as soon as possible. I felt so dumb. So fucking dumb.

At the end of the day, I had no idea what to do. I didn’t know what to think!
He kisses her, and then he kisses me, and now it seems like he’s after her again.
I just don’t fucking get it. Is this all a game to him??
I was pacing in circles around my bedroom, trying to figure out why Alex was going back on his feelings, and why I had to feel so hurt right now.
“Well, isn’t someone thinking hard?”
I stopped my pacing and looked up to see Alex leaning against my wall and smirking at me.
“Oh, so now you choose to speak to me?” I scoffed at him, while crossing my arms.
“Well, I have been a little M.I.A now, haven’t I?” He walked over to me, and I took a step back.
“So where the fuck have you been?? You’ve never been gone that long before! I’ve been worried sick about you!!” I exploded at him, making him give me an apologetic look.
“I’m sorry, Beth. I-“
“I see you’ve gotten back on Ashlynn’s good side.” I rolled my eyes in pure annoyance and hurt. And I knew he knew how I was feeling.
“So..you do remember that night..” He muttered, nervously looking away and sticking his hands into his pockets.
“Yeah, I do.” I kept my glare focused on him.
“All of it?”
“All of it.”
There was a long moment of uncomfortable silence, before he spoke up again.
“Well…shit. I’m..I’m sorry..”
And that was what set me off.
“You’re SORRY?? About what? About kissing me, or about kissing me, then going right back to Ashlynn; might I add, after not speaking to me for days?!”
“Listen, Bethany..I haven’t been around because I wasn’t ready to face you again after..that night, just yet.”
“Why not? You- you said you had feelings for me and everything..I didn’t realize that meant that you were going to avoid me at all costs.”
“Come on, Beth. We were drunk! We were just saying things..you know that!” He denied, with a bit of fake laughter.
He wasn't drunk. I remember him telling me he was sober. He's lying to me. He doesn't want this. I'm so stupid.
“Yeah..right. You’re right. I don’t know why I’m acting like this. I mean, it was just a kiss, right?” I played it off, not wanting to even exist anymore.
“Right. Just a kiss. And we can just pretend it never happened, okay?” He suggested, wrapping me into a hug.
I hugged him back halfheartedly, and let a tiny fake laugh escape my lips, as I nodded in agreement.
It hurt so fucking bad, but if Alex didn’t really return my feelings, I wasn’t going to let it get in the way of our friendship.
I’m not sure how in the hell I’ll be able to handle continuing being just friends with someone I’m practically in love with.
But it’s not as if life has ever not been a lot more than I can handle.
I need my fucking blade.

Notes

I updated both of my stories today wuuuttt.

You hate me, but that's okay. You'll love me again, eventually.
I'm awful at updating, I'm so sorry.

THEY LEFT US ALONE, THE KIDS IN THE DARK
TO BURN OUT FOREVER, OR LIGHT UP A SPARK!!!
<3333333333333333333333

Thanks! :)

Title cred: Deathbeds- Bring Me The Horizon