Letters To Alex

Last night was very strange for me. I… did some things. Some things that I’m not exactly proud of.

I know if you were still around, you’d be so fucking pissed at me right now. You wouldn’t allow this at all. You’d tell me that I’m really fucking stupid, yell at me, and you probably wouldn’t talk to me for the rest of the day.

You know, I really fucking hated when you did that. Whenever something happened between us, and you wouldn’t fucking talk to me. You’re not supposed to do that. That’s the kind of shit that drives you away from people.

But in the end, I still loved you. I think I still do, actually.

So yes, I did something I’m not proud of. And if you were still here, you would be so angry with me. But if you were here in the first place, I wouldn’t have done it.

So who’s fault is it really?

Probably still mine. I didn’t have to do what I did, but god, it sure did help. At the time being, anyway.

I’m still kind of jittery. Everything is still moving a bit too fast, and my legs are shaking. I haven’t quite come down yet. I don’t really want to though, Nicky told me that comedowns from speed are really shitty. I was thinking I could just use more to avoid it, but she said that doing that would only make it worse, because my comedown would have to happen eventually.

Oh, Nicky. Nicky is my new friend, I think. I found myself questioning her empathy, or should I say lack thereof, and her headstrong sense of apathy. She doesn’t care about much, and I oddly like that. Maybe because I care too much. I wish I could be like that, a stone cold bitch who doesn’t give a flying fuck.

But I also think that she wasn’t always like that. Something had to have happened to her to make her that way, right? Nobody just acts like that.

I don’t know. It’s not my business, anyway.

But man, last night, I felt so good, Alex. I felt alive. The first time since you left me, I felt fucking alive. I didn’t feel okay, and I don’t know if I ever will, but I felt alive.

And quite frankly, I’m alright with not being okay. As long as I feel something.

I like feeling this way. I liked the way it felt in my veins. It surged through me, and made me warm, unlike you. When you were in my veins, it felt cold as hell. As if someone injected liquid nitrogen into me. I didn’t fucking like it, not one bit.

I think you’re still there, but I diluted it, sorta. I don’t think I could ever completely erase you. And honestly, part of me doesn’t want to. I need something to cling onto, something to remind me that you were actually a part of my life.

Because these days, I’m having trouble differentiating what’s made up and what’s not. Maybe it’s the pain you caused me, maybe it’s the drinking, hell, maybe it’s the drugs. I’m not sure. But I do know that I can’t let you go completely, not yet. I can’t handle that yet.

I wonder if it’s the same for you. If you think about me, too. Maybe I cross your mind from time to time, but I highly doubt that you’re as fucked up as me right now. I doubt that you even think about me as much as I think about you. And I know that you’re not struggling like I am.

That’s not exactly fair. And you know it. You left me, and you’re doing just fine. Meanwhile, I’m slowly wrecking myself because I literally do not know a life without you.

Before you came into my life, things were so horrible. You saved me, Alex. In middle school, when I thought things couldn’t possibly get better, you told me otherwise. I think if you didn’t, I would’ve died a long time ago.

Because of that, I don’t know how to function without you. I’m used to being saved by you. And right now, I need to be saved, I need redemption so fucking bad, but you’re not here. It’s funny, when I’m at my fucking worst, you’re not here. And you’re not going to come back.

So I think it’d be best to be like Nicky. To not care about shit. Because caring isn’t getting me anywhere anymore.

But deep down, a little part of me will always care about you, Alex. I swear I’ll always care about you until I fucking die.

Notes

hi hey hello!!
so a lot of people seem to like this story, which makes me happy!! yay
delilah got high as hell and now she's confused. well not really, but she feels weird.
and she still loves alex. so how does that make ya feel??
but omfg today in chemstry I BLEW SHIT UP
WE MADE THINGS EXPLODE AND HONESTLY I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS BUT IT WAS FUCKING RAD AS FUCK!!!
so yeah, that's basically the highlight of my life.
what about yours??
that's all i have to say, i think.
tell me how you like it?? c: