Kiss Me Again

I woke up the next morning feeling horrible. I can't believe I embarrassed myself yesterday in front of Alex like that.
Last night in the car he called me beautiful, and I just- broke down!! He had to sit there holding me for like, 20 minutes in that uncomfortable position because he had to lean over from the driver's seat.
He probably thinks I'm a freak.
There's definitely something wrong with me.
Why does he waste his time with me??
That's all I wanna know. If he does still like me in that way, why?? What does he see in me? When I look in the mirror, I don't see much at all. All I see is a fat, ugly, whiny bitch who apparently can't take care of herself. I don't want to appear weak...Ever.
Because on the inside, I have reached my weakest point, and I guess that's enough to send me over the edge for a breakdown. But I still hate myself for it! Now Alex has seen a whole new side of me..one that I'd never want him to see in a million years!
And now I'm crying again, great. Just proves how fucking weak I am.
Sigh.
I won't be surprised if Alex doesn't want anything else to do with me.
I sure hope I didn't appear insane when he picked me up yesterday. I had one of my horrible altercations with Barbara when I was on my way out the door. She was telling me about how I was so "unattractive to have any boy like me" and all of that shit. I just wanted to leave my house as soon as possible.
And the "date" was so nice..SO SO nice..and I just had to go and ruin it! I loved how he insisted on buying things for me, and that fit he had at Starbucks was kinda stupid, but still really cute at the same time.
And the way he looked at me.
Damn. I just wanted to make out with him right then and there.
But no, I can't allow myself to think of him in that way. I'm single, and I'm much happier this way...I think??
I have enough issues on my plate, and the fact that I only fall in love with douchebags, doesn't help at all. I just start feeling even more worthless. Letting another guy into my life will probably be the worst mistake I will ever make.
Whatever, I need to think about something else and calm down.
I checked my phone to see that I have a bunch of messages, mostly from Hayley asking me repeatedly how yesterday went. I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I don't need people thinking I'm weak.
I scrolled down and saw that I have a message from Alex as well. Probably telling me he never wants to talk to me again.
I opened it.
Alex- Tay, I'm really sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable or upset or anything..please don't be sad :( I really think we should talk. Meet me somewhere? Please? <3

Wow. Now I pretty much owe him an explanation as to why I broke down like that. This is great, just great. I obviously can't tell him EVERYTHING, but I guess I owe to him, I did ruin the "date".

Me- No no no, that wasn't your fault. Uh, I was gonna head down to the gym in a few minutes, come with?

Hey, I gotta lose weight somehow! He responded a few seconds later.

Alex- Be ready 2 workout ;D

I giggled at his text, then got dressed and ready to go.

I arrived at the town's gym/fitness center wearing a pink tank top, white yoga pants, and my pink Nike Free Runs. I had put my hair up in a messy bun, and I was now eyeing the equipment, not knowing what to start on first.
There weren't really many people here, so I didn't feel too self-conscious. As I stood there looking around, I felt a small nudge at my arm. I turned around to see Alex giving me a shy smile.
"...Hi." I started, feeling kind of awkward and ashamed, remembering last night's events.
"Hey, Tay. You doing alright?" He looked down at me, concerned.
He had little bags under his eyes; he looked kind of exhausted and worried.
I sure hope I didn't keep him up worrying about me...
I instantly felt a pang of guilt.
"Alex, I'm fine..really." I assured him.
He didn't look too convinced, and he started to speak.
"Tay I...we need to tal-"
"Nope!" I quickly cut him off. He gave me a confused look.
"We're at the gym for a reason, aren't we?" I grinned at him, then headed over to some leg equipment.
I can't possibly talk about my feelings to Alex right now, I'm putting it off as much as I can. Right now, I can focus on one thing, and one thing only-
My weight. I need to get that under control. I can't be fat..I can't be fat..
I pushed myself harder and harder..moving to each piece if equipment to make sure my entire body was in shape.
It's been only two hours, I need to keep going!! I'M NOT WORKING HARD ENOUGH!!
I ran over to the treadmill and turned it on, beginning to walk on it. This is going way too slow... I mashed the buttons eagerly, making it speed up to a higher setting. I was pretty much jogging now.
Alex hopped off of his bicycle-like piece of equipment and walked over, checking his watch.
"Uh..Tay? I think it's been long enough..you need water. Let's stop now and go get something to drink-"
"No! I'm good, it's a-all..good!!" I strained, out of breath and pained from cramps forming in my sides. I was so sweaty and tired, I looked a mess, but I couldn't stop. I'm way too determined.
"No, Tay! I'm fucking serious right now, you need to STOP!" He reached over my arms and smashed the STOP button with his finger.
I shakily stepped off, out of breath and weak. I felt lightheaded and already sore.
"W-why'd you...why'd you do...that.."
Next thing I know, I collapsed into his arms, and everything went black.


I woke up feeling a little dizzy and still tired. I was laying on a bed- not my bed, but..a bed. I looked around, recognizing the room. Alex's.
When I shifted to try to sit up, my ribs ached. I groaned, laying back down. I then remembered what happened.
I was in the gym, working my ass off to the point where I could hardly catch my breath; I was so determined to lose weight, but not just my weight...my worries, my troubles. I felt as if all my insecurities would just melt off if I kept going.
I deeply sighed, my eyes filling up with tears.
Why am I such a fuck up?? Why me?!?
I sniffed, then I heard footsteps coming upstairs. I quickly tried to compose myself the best I could...I don't want him to see me cry again.
Just then, Alex walked in, holding two large bottles of water. He saw me and bolted over, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"Tay! You're awake!! I was so fucking worried about you..here!! Drink this! I bet you're super dehydrated, the way you were working so hard in there...what the fuck, Tay? You definitely overdid it, you didn't even stop for water!!"
I gulped down the bottles of water quickly, enjoying feeling the cold liquid on my dry tongue. I looked up at Alex. His eyes flickered with worry, anger, and confusion.
"I'm sorry, Alex.." I sighed, looking up at him, hopeful that he would drop it.
He shaked his head, furrowing his thick eyebrows.
I sighed. "Guess I have to fess up, huh?"
He nodded slowly in response.
"Okay, well...I uh-" Where do I start??
I cleared my throat.
"Let's just say, I have some issues..it all started a few years ago when my dad died of cancer. He was hands down, my best friend. I loved him more than any other human on this planet. Still do."
Alex frowned and crawled into bed next to me, placing his hand on mine. Tingles shot up my arm.
I continued.
"Losing my dad pretty much broke me inside. I got really depressed and I...I did some things.."
"What things?"
I couldn't tell him about my cutting.
"Just...things. Bad things. Things I regret, and will regret even more if I were to do them again, I'll leave it at that." I sighed, remembering the promise I made to my father.
"Along with that, I dated some pretty shitty guys, and I still have to deal with some pretty shitty people to this day, who have lead me to believe that I myself, am a shitty person. So my life's just pretty shitty." I laughed bitterly, looking down, feeling a tear roll down my cheek.
Alex cupped my face with his hands, making me turn to face him as he wiped the tears off my cheeks with his thumbs.
"So.. the gym thing was.."
"The gym thing was me trying to finally feel beautiful for once, like you said! But no matter how hard I try, I'll always be fat and ugly and worthless, Alex!! Always! I'm not beautiful..I'm not!" I was crying really hard now..trying to wipe my face with my arm.
I feel so weak. So pitiful, sitting here crying in front of Alex, spilling out all my problems. I'm such a fucking immature baby.
"Tay, listen to me. Tay..." He pried my arm off my face.
"Look at me." He cupped my chin, making me look up into his chestnut-colored eyes.
"Tay, I love you. A-as a friend I mean.." He quickly fixed himself with a worried expression.
"I'm sorry you feel the way you do. You don't deserve to. You're beautiful to me, I don't give a fuck what those shitty people said. You're beautiful, inside and out. And your body is perfect, so stop working yourself to death and not eating- don't think I don't see you at lunch. Just please, don't try to hurt yourself, Tay. You aren't worthless, you're worth so much. And if you still don't believe it, I'll die making sure that you do."
I was frozen. I stared into his eyes, trying to confirm if he was telling the truth or not. If he meant all of what he said. It seemed like he did.
"T-thank you." I said, barely louder than a whisper. I looked down at our interlocked fingers, resting on top of the sheets in between us. I started to calm down.
"Tay?" He rubbed his thumb over mine.
"Yes?"
"I'm sorry about your dad..do you just live with your mom?"
"Step-mom. My mom died in a car accident when I was three, so...guess that makes me an orphan, huh?"
"Well, you still have your step-mom.."
I scoffed at that, leaving Alex puzzled.
"She's far from my favorite." I rolled my eyes at the thought of Barbara.
"Oh. Well I guess I can sorta relate..in a way. My mom died when I was still only a newborn. My dad works and is hardly ever home, and I have a step-mom, Janet. Janet is MY favorite person. She's only home sometimes though, she works in international development, meaning she has to travel all over the globe, helping out other countries."
"Well that's sweet, she's a do-gooder!" I giggled, and he chuckled a bit.
"But..what happened to your mom?"
He sighed and looked down at his legs.
"It was a maternal death. She died a little while after giving birth to me. Sometimes I feel like- well I KNOW it's my fault she's dead..if it weren't for me, my mom would still be alive. Even if that means I might not be." He had a pained look on his face.
Even though my whole body was sore, I leaned into him the best I could, and wrapped my arms around his torso.
"Don't blame yourself for something like that. It isn't your fault. She must be really happy right now, wherever she is, knowing that her baby boy grew up to be such a great person. Love you, Alex."
He wrapped his arms around me as well, and I felt him rest his chin on my head.
We had both opened up to each other. It felt like a load off my chest. I felt safe, sitting there in his arms. Alex is my escape. I wouldn't want anything to happen that would ever ruin what we have now.
This moment is perfect.
This boy is perfect.

Notes

HEEEYYY I'M BAAAACCKK! :D
Omg, do you guys realize how bad I've wanted to update??
I've written like, 3 chapters already. I'll post the next one in the morning, or afternoon, or just whenever cause we're all probably in different time zones anyway!

PLEASE PLEASE COMMENT BECAUSE I MISS YOU.

Thanks! :)