The Sadness Will Never End
6
6
Jack was a little upset when Alex didn’t show up like he said he would. Alex had texted the younger boy to let him know that he had forgotten that he had a date tonight. That made Jack angry, possibly even jealous. Jack knew that Alex had an on again off again girlfriend. Her name was Lisa, she was reasonably pretty, Jack had convinced himself that that was the only reason why Alex was interested in her.
“Are you hungry?” Jack’s mother asked as she saw her son walk up the staircase. Of course Jack was hungry, but he didn’t really want to eat anything. Jack sighed and nodded his head. “I’ll be down in a minute,” he mumbled, his hands holding onto the staircase rails. Jack didn’t see his mother’s reaction, he just sped up the stairs as fast as he could, ignoring the creaking noises that they made as his feet connected with each step.
Jack went up to his room, turned off his music and then closed the door behind him. Jack had been listening to the new Panic! At Disco album, Too Weird To Live, Too Rare To Die. One particular song had stuck in his mind, ‘It’s better to burn than to fade away’ [Lyrics: Nicotine by Panic! At The Disco]. Whilst he thought that these lyrics meant a lot to him, he couldn’t quite figure out why.
Clearing his mind of Alex, Jack trailed down the stairs, being a little more careful that he was when he was running up them. When Jack walked into the kitchen, he saw that his mother had made a simple pasta. He could stomach that. As much as he didn’t want to he was going to do it anyway.
Jack’s brother and sister had moved out about a year ago, leaving Jack, the youngest, at home with his mother and father. Once they were gone he didn’t really know what to do with himself. There was no one to play video games with, there was no one to talk to when things got tough and most importantly [at least to Jack anyway] there was no one there to help him with his homework.
“Thanks for dinner mom,” Jack smiled. He ate about half of what was on his plate and then looked up to see his mother just sitting down now. “You’re welcome Jack,” His mother smiled back at him, completely oblivious to all the problems in his life right now.
Jack placed his unfinished bowl of pasta on the bench and then walked up to his room. Once the door was shut, Jack turned TWTLTRTD and began to listen to each song carefully. Listening to music usually made Jack calm, but right now Jack had too much on his mind.
The one friend that he did have, if he could even call Alex a friend, had bailed on him to go out on a date with a girl. Jack shouldn’t care as much as he did but he just couldn’t help it. Alex was meant to be spending time with him. Jack thought again about the lyrics from Nicotine. ‘It's better to leave than to be replaced,’ [Lyrics: Nicotine by Panic! At The Disco]. Jack thought about leaving Alex although he wasn’t really with Alex to begin with.
Even though Jack thought he was perfectly okay without Alex he knew that he wasn’t. Without Alex Jack would be mangled. He wouldn’t have a single ray of hope. But what if Alex just replaced Jack with Lisa? Then what was Jack going to do? Go back to being friends with no one, not even himself. Jack knew that would happen; it always did.
It was only matter of time before Jack ended up alone, he thought. Jack had been left alone too many times in life. Maybe that was why he turned out the way he did.
Jack didn’t only have scars across his skin; he had death on his mind majority of his waking hours. Jack knew how he wanted to spend his last day alive. He would go out for a walk, have a coffee and watch the sun rise. On the walk back to his house he’d smile at people that would never see him again. Once home, Jack would venture up to his room. There he’d spend the rest of his day playing his guitar until his fingertips bled.
Jack didn’t know how he wanted to die, the obvious was suicide but Jack didn’t really want to be remembered as the kid who killed himself because he told no one about his problems. He didn’t want people to pity him but whether he liked it or not, when you’re dead that’s all you’re going to get; other people’s pity.
Sometimes there would be days were Jack would just think of how he’d die. Perhaps he’d end up with a tumour, lung cancer, maybe he’d do drugs for the first time and overdose. The point was, Jack didn’t know how he wanted to die, nor did he know how he was going to die.
As each day went past, each second, Jack was closer to death, he was ageing, these were things that he couldn’t stop. Jack wasn’t an A grade student, he wouldn’t be remembered as ‘The-Smart-Boy-Who-Was-Loved-By-Everyone’ he’d be loved as ‘That-Boy-Who-Never-Talked-And-Had-No-Friends’.
Whether Jack liked it or not, that was the honest truth. He didn’t talk to anyone, not because he didn’t want to but because he felt uncomfortable talk to people. Jack couldn’t even make eye-contact let alone hold a conversation for more than a minute.
Did Jack have any friends? Not really. When he thought about it, his parents were really his only friends. That was quite upsetting, depressing even. Who would catch Jack when he fell? Two people who were almost three times his age that had no idea what it was like to grow up in a world where people were judged for every action they made. Furthermore, they had no idea what went through Jack’s mind, they didn’t know anything. No matter how much they claimed to understand how Jack felt, it would never be enough.
A loud buzzing noise filled the room, you could hear it over the sound of Brendon Urie’s voice. Jack didn’t even know why he had his phone set on that loud, it’s not like anyone even contacted him. Jack reached for his phone, seeing that he had a message from someone. Alex was the only person that had his number.
‘I had a great time with Lisa, I can still come over if you want…’
Jack read the messaged and fought the urge to throw his phone at the wall and smash its screen. Just because Alex had a great time with a girl that he’d ditched Jack to go and hang out with, that didn’t mean that Alex had to text Jack and tell him about this.
Jack was still new to this whole ‘friend’ thing but he didn’t like this. He thought of it as rude and annoying, two things that were completely out of character for a boy like Alex. Jack ran his fingertips through his fringe, clearing the hair from his eyesight.
‘I’m right thanks, I’m going to bed.’ Jack typed. He knew that it was a lie; Alex probably thought that it was a lie too.
It’s better to leave than to be replaced, right?
Jack was a little upset when Alex didn’t show up like he said he would. Alex had texted the younger boy to let him know that he had forgotten that he had a date tonight. That made Jack angry, possibly even jealous. Jack knew that Alex had an on again off again girlfriend. Her name was Lisa, she was reasonably pretty, Jack had convinced himself that that was the only reason why Alex was interested in her.
“Are you hungry?” Jack’s mother asked as she saw her son walk up the staircase. Of course Jack was hungry, but he didn’t really want to eat anything. Jack sighed and nodded his head. “I’ll be down in a minute,” he mumbled, his hands holding onto the staircase rails. Jack didn’t see his mother’s reaction, he just sped up the stairs as fast as he could, ignoring the creaking noises that they made as his feet connected with each step.
Jack went up to his room, turned off his music and then closed the door behind him. Jack had been listening to the new Panic! At Disco album, Too Weird To Live, Too Rare To Die. One particular song had stuck in his mind, ‘It’s better to burn than to fade away’ [Lyrics: Nicotine by Panic! At The Disco]. Whilst he thought that these lyrics meant a lot to him, he couldn’t quite figure out why.
Clearing his mind of Alex, Jack trailed down the stairs, being a little more careful that he was when he was running up them. When Jack walked into the kitchen, he saw that his mother had made a simple pasta. He could stomach that. As much as he didn’t want to he was going to do it anyway.
Jack’s brother and sister had moved out about a year ago, leaving Jack, the youngest, at home with his mother and father. Once they were gone he didn’t really know what to do with himself. There was no one to play video games with, there was no one to talk to when things got tough and most importantly [at least to Jack anyway] there was no one there to help him with his homework.
“Thanks for dinner mom,” Jack smiled. He ate about half of what was on his plate and then looked up to see his mother just sitting down now. “You’re welcome Jack,” His mother smiled back at him, completely oblivious to all the problems in his life right now.
Jack placed his unfinished bowl of pasta on the bench and then walked up to his room. Once the door was shut, Jack turned TWTLTRTD and began to listen to each song carefully. Listening to music usually made Jack calm, but right now Jack had too much on his mind.
The one friend that he did have, if he could even call Alex a friend, had bailed on him to go out on a date with a girl. Jack shouldn’t care as much as he did but he just couldn’t help it. Alex was meant to be spending time with him. Jack thought again about the lyrics from Nicotine. ‘It's better to leave than to be replaced,’ [Lyrics: Nicotine by Panic! At The Disco]. Jack thought about leaving Alex although he wasn’t really with Alex to begin with.
Even though Jack thought he was perfectly okay without Alex he knew that he wasn’t. Without Alex Jack would be mangled. He wouldn’t have a single ray of hope. But what if Alex just replaced Jack with Lisa? Then what was Jack going to do? Go back to being friends with no one, not even himself. Jack knew that would happen; it always did.
It was only matter of time before Jack ended up alone, he thought. Jack had been left alone too many times in life. Maybe that was why he turned out the way he did.
Jack didn’t only have scars across his skin; he had death on his mind majority of his waking hours. Jack knew how he wanted to spend his last day alive. He would go out for a walk, have a coffee and watch the sun rise. On the walk back to his house he’d smile at people that would never see him again. Once home, Jack would venture up to his room. There he’d spend the rest of his day playing his guitar until his fingertips bled.
Jack didn’t know how he wanted to die, the obvious was suicide but Jack didn’t really want to be remembered as the kid who killed himself because he told no one about his problems. He didn’t want people to pity him but whether he liked it or not, when you’re dead that’s all you’re going to get; other people’s pity.
Sometimes there would be days were Jack would just think of how he’d die. Perhaps he’d end up with a tumour, lung cancer, maybe he’d do drugs for the first time and overdose. The point was, Jack didn’t know how he wanted to die, nor did he know how he was going to die.
As each day went past, each second, Jack was closer to death, he was ageing, these were things that he couldn’t stop. Jack wasn’t an A grade student, he wouldn’t be remembered as ‘The-Smart-Boy-Who-Was-Loved-By-Everyone’ he’d be loved as ‘That-Boy-Who-Never-Talked-And-Had-No-Friends’.
Whether Jack liked it or not, that was the honest truth. He didn’t talk to anyone, not because he didn’t want to but because he felt uncomfortable talk to people. Jack couldn’t even make eye-contact let alone hold a conversation for more than a minute.
Did Jack have any friends? Not really. When he thought about it, his parents were really his only friends. That was quite upsetting, depressing even. Who would catch Jack when he fell? Two people who were almost three times his age that had no idea what it was like to grow up in a world where people were judged for every action they made. Furthermore, they had no idea what went through Jack’s mind, they didn’t know anything. No matter how much they claimed to understand how Jack felt, it would never be enough.
A loud buzzing noise filled the room, you could hear it over the sound of Brendon Urie’s voice. Jack didn’t even know why he had his phone set on that loud, it’s not like anyone even contacted him. Jack reached for his phone, seeing that he had a message from someone. Alex was the only person that had his number.
‘I had a great time with Lisa, I can still come over if you want…’
Jack read the messaged and fought the urge to throw his phone at the wall and smash its screen. Just because Alex had a great time with a girl that he’d ditched Jack to go and hang out with, that didn’t mean that Alex had to text Jack and tell him about this.
Jack was still new to this whole ‘friend’ thing but he didn’t like this. He thought of it as rude and annoying, two things that were completely out of character for a boy like Alex. Jack ran his fingertips through his fringe, clearing the hair from his eyesight.
‘I’m right thanks, I’m going to bed.’ Jack typed. He knew that it was a lie; Alex probably thought that it was a lie too.
It’s better to leave than to be replaced, right?
@Katy Hullett
I'm not actually sure what video the gif is from but I'm sure that if you look up 'Jalex moments' on Youtube, you'll find something (I do recall seeing this video, I'm just not sure which video it is)
4/6/14