Inevitably the next morning arrives and we get up and have a quick coffee and some fruits and all too soon the bus arrives to pick him up.
I follow him out of the house with little Mayhem in my arms and step onto the bus to greet the guys while Tony puts his luggage into the bunk area.
Vic is there immediately engulfing the pup and me in a huge hug. "Hey Gi, so good to see you. I'm so sorry about everything. That happened" He pulls his head back to look in my face without letting go. Mayhem flips out in my arms trying to jump the man so he can slobber all over his face.

"And who is this wild baby?" Vic asks, taking the dog and holding it up and away from his face.

"That's Mayhem, he's my new man." I joke.

"It's an improvement!" Vic grins and gets slapped on the back of the head by a returning Tony.

Jaime comes running from the back of the bus straight for me and Tony immediately shouts. "No bone crushing hugs, no swirling around, Jaime. She's still sick." I roll my eyes at him and get a very cautious hug from Jaime who pulls a face at me. I have to laugh at this clown and give him a kiss on the cheek.

After an all time awkward hug from Mike I'm off the bus and Tony and I share our last kiss in front of the door.

"Bye Baby, be good. I call you when we get there. I call you every day. Okay. I'm so gonna miss you." He keeps mumbling into my hair while he holds my head close to his chest. "I love you, Gi."

I can't take goodbyes and I don't want to cry so I give him one last kiss and push myself away from him. Bending down to pick up Mayhem who has been begging to get up at our feet. "I love you too, Tony. Don't worry, I will be fine. You have to go now. Bye."

I turn to walk inside the house and when I look back Tony is about to get on the bus. I run back and tug at his hoodie and when he turns around I steal a last kiss earning some 'awwws' from inside the bus.

I spend the day occupying myself with shopping for groceries, walking the dog in the park, eating ice cream in front of the tv and surfing the net.
After hours of watching YouTube weirdness I give up because my eyes and my brain hurt and I realise it's getting dark. That's where my problems begin.

I decide I will sleep on the living room couch because I feel safer with having the front door in view. That way I would notice immediately if someone would enter the house. Ridiculous? Not for me.

I get my pillow and blanket from my room and set up on the couch with Mayhem beside me. I mean he is too young to be of any help but he will hear things way sooner than me so if he is calm and relaxed there is probably nothing to worry about.

Then I flip through the channels to find some family movie to take my mind off worrying for a while. I can feel the fear creeping up in my body and gripping my heart in a cold clamp.

When my phone goes off I jump in shock only to be relieved when I see the caller ID. "Tony!" My voice must sound pretty stressed because Tony gets suspicious immediately.

"What's up, Gi? Is everything alright?"
I sit back down on the couch and let out a deep breath. "Yes, Tony, everything is fine." I lie. "I'm just excited to hear your voice."

"We just arrived and have settled in, our set is on pretty late and I don't think you will be still up when we're finished. So I will call you tomorrow morning. Is that okay with you?"

"Yeah, sure Babe, go out there and rock it. Speak to you tomorrow. I love you. And I kiss you. And Mayhem does this too." I pretend to be strong and confident.

I can hear him chuckle." I love you more and kiss you more. And I love Mayhem too but no kisses for him! These are exclusively reserved for my lady."

We end the call and I sit there smiling, I should be so glad and happy to have this wonderful man but right now I am just terrified to be alone.

I go to the bathroom and search the cabinets and find a half empty bottle of sleeping pills, I reckon this is the only way I will get through this night and take three with a glass of water.
When I sit back on the couch I can still feel my heart racing and I don't seem to calm down at all, that's when I open a bottle of red wine .
I have downed more than half of it when the pills kick in and I think I pass out a few minutes later.

...

Next thing I know I wake up lying on the floor in front of the couch and Mayhem licks my ears and nose, occasionally kicking me with his little paws. I get up only to realise it is already near noon and I have a huge headache. I let the dog out into the backyard and go into the kitchen to drink some juice.

My phone goes off in the living room and I have to look for it until I find it tangled in my blanket. "My God Gi, what's going on? I was trying to call you all morning." Tony shouts sounding agitated.

"Uhm - uh, sorry Babe, I just woke up, I was really tired last night, I guess." I'm still not fully awake and just plop back onto the couch pulling my legs under me.

"I was going crazy when you wouldn't pick up." I hear him let out a deep breath. "So how are you feeling?" He asks, still worry in his voice.

"I'm fine, really Tony. I slept well last night and everything is okay, I promise." I am guilt ridden by lying to him all the time but I can't let him know what's going on with me, I will be able to sort this out and he will never have to find out.

"Gi? You still there?" His voice snaps me out of my thoughts and I fake a laugh. "Yes, I am. Now stop worrying please and tell me what's going on with you and the guys." I try to change the subject and I manage to get Tony to talk about the tour and the shows and the people he has been meeting. We end the call after half an hour because he has to go to sound check.

Before I go to the bathroom to shower I call Mayhem back into the house. When I'm done and dressed I decide to skip breakfast and spend the day in the park with my dog, only stopping to get a coffee on the way.

The following days pass in the same manner and the nights as well. I have my routine by now, I keep myself busy during the day and after I have talked to Tony in the evening I take some pills and red wine until the fear subsides and I black out eventually.

That works fine, well not really fine but it works. My eating schedule isn't really consistent and I don't bother preparing food but just grab something on the way. All in all I feel like shit but I am hoping to last the two weeks and get better when Tony is back.

That is until I run out of pills, I have already had nearly the whole bottle of red wine and I am close to a panic attack. At least that's what I think because I never had this feeling before.
I grab my phone and look up Tony's contact with shaky fingers but I don't press call but throw the phone back onto the pillow burying my head in my hands sobbing.

I can't call him now, we have talked two hours ago and I told him everything is fine. I cry for a bit my whole body shaking then I crawl back to the phone and open my contacts again.

Alex is on top of the list. I try to stifle my sobs and press his button.

Notes

I didn't hear from you guys in a while. You still there? Have a nice day!