Hold On Till May

“I just feel like another nothing.”

Jack was drawing the Blnk-182 logo in the corner of his Dealing with Depression worksheet as he listened to this bullshit. Everything about the program was. The soft words and comfort from the staff, vows to stay safe from girls with angry cuts on every inch of their bodies. All bullshit. Jack wished these people would take their bullshit and shove it up their asses, retreating back into their alleged nothingness.

“Jack,” the blond woman, whose name he knew to be Carla, said, “do you have any advice for Morgan?” she asked with a look of hope on her face. Hope that Jack would finally partake in something other than doodling.

“Nope,” Jack popped, and returned to drawing on the page, returning to his own void.

She sighed, most likely disappointed in him but also the fact there was nothing she could do about it. If there was one thing Jack liked about this hellhole was that no one pushed him into anything. Unlike school, where teachers extracted answers from people, no matter how long it took, everyone had to be careful. Anxiety and panic disorders and all the other shit people had to deal with prevented the staff from pushing.

All of those people kept talking. Jack kept on not listening, because that’s exactly how he got through the day. If he actually listened to all of the crap people were spewing out, he might have actually gone insane.

Well, more than he already was.

“Okay good job guys,” Carla said, indicating the end of the group, which attracted Jack’s attention. “Kory will be right in for closing. Jack, can I talk to you?”

Fuck.

He followed her out of the depressing white room into the even more depressing waiting room, and then, as impossible as it may seem, into the even more depressing office.

If they wanted Jack to deal with depression, they should have painted the walls orange.

“So Jack,” she said as she sat in the chair opposite to him. “Tell me what’s going on. Why aren’t you participating in the groups?”

He shrugged. “I don’t have anything to day. I’m not going to make up unhelpful bullshit that doesn’t help for people I don’t know.” Unlike you people.

Carla scoffed. “Why don’t you cut the bull?” If there was one person Jack could appreciate, it was her. She wasn’t afraid of calling people out. It’s just that, when Jack was on the receiving end, it wasn’t as fun. “You and I both know that you’re not getting out of here until you get something out of this. So until then, you might as well try, okay?”

“Okay,” Jack said. “I’ll try harder.”

Just some more bullshit.

She gave him a raised eyebrow, and stared him down for a moment, before shaking her head. “Just remember what I said. You can go back to group.”

When Jack had settled back into his seat in the least depressing room, closing had already started. Really, it was Jack’s least favorite time of the day. It was the one part of the say when Jack was actually forced to talk, save opening, which was almost the exact same thing. He tried to make it as painless as possible. It usually did not work.

“Any triggers tonight, Lizzy?”

The girl with the shaved head shrugged. “Just my thoughts. I am my own rabbit hole, and I push myself down it. The only danger to me is myself, and I can’t control it.”

Please cut the poetic bullshit.

“Does anyone have any suggestions for Lizzy?”

Grow some fucking hair.

“Jack?”

“Watch some TV,” he offered in a bored ton, eyes wandering over the list of coping skills on the wall opposite him. It was great for providing answers for when Jack didn’t feel like actually trying. All the time, essentially.

Kory sighed now, too, and then continued to talk to Lizzy. Jack wished she’d give the girl some advice on clothing. He himself was no fashion guru, but he was absolutely sure bright red and green were colors that should never mix. The Lizzy girl wasn’t scoring high on Jack’s approval scale.

This was another thing Jack did to pass time: approve or disapprove of the passing faces in the room. His mind kept a tally of everyone’s score, and ranked them based off of it. It was horridly petty, Jack knew that, but he honestly found it entertaining when he ran out of room for band logos on the useless sheets he had. In the lead currently was the girl with long curly hair. She wasn’t the prettiest girl he’d ever seen, but damn, she had a big rack. He wasn’t entirely sure what her problem was, something that had to do with trauma.

It was sad for Jack to watch all of these people. No one there had a good life. Most people were bullied, abused, ignored, and everything else that Jack never was. He had a good life; he loved his mother and his friends, and never took any of it for granted. Jack’s problem was what he did when he was fueled by liquid courage.

He could remember that night clearly. It was one of his biggest mistakes, Jack knew that now, but then he felt invincible. There was nothing that could stop him until someone did. Unfortunately, that person was an officer in blue who was more than happy to put a stop to things. His hand was still broken with the memory of that night.

“Jack,” Kory announced, and flipped through her papers. They were the papers that marked down how crazy each person in the room was. Jack wasn’t sure what it said on his, but he was sure it was nothing positive. “How was your day?”

“’S alright.”

“What are your plans for the night?”

He shrugged. “Hang out with some people.”

“Do you think they’ll be any triggers?”

Alcohol.

“Nope.”

“How could you deal with them, it there are?”

“Smoke.”

“What’s your goal for the night?”

“To not have to smoke.”

There. That was it. The interview was over. And his day was unofficially done.

Notes

thanks for the comments homies