POV: Alex

Rian was long gone by the time I moved from the spot in the corridor where I was standing. I had no desire to go anywhere except straight back to Jack’s hospital room, and that’s exactly what I did.

I held my breath as I pushed open the door to Jack’s room, desperately praying he would be awake. Unfortunately, my prayers were left unanswered and I was met with the sight of Jack lying in exactly the same position, buried under too many wires and attached to all the machines.

Seeing that he was still trapped in a coma was like a bullet going straight through my heart. For that reason, it was too painful to look at him. I averted my vacant eyes to the window on the opposite side of the room, as my legs automatically took me to sit down in the chair next to him.

I absent-mindedly slipped my hand into Jack’s limp hand again while I continued to stare out of the window on the other side of his bed distractedly. Even though I was looking through the glass, I wasn’t seeing anything. I was just completely absorbed in my thoughts about Rian, Jade and Jack to really take in my surroundings.

It killed me that I had fractured the strong bond I had with Rian by telling him the truth. You were all I had… I knew that every time he looked at me now it would be with resentment… He would never forgive me, just like I would never forgive myself.

But Jack was the real victim in all of this, not me or Rian… And he actually said that he had forgiven me. How could he be the one that just forgives me, when I did the worst thing possible to him? These things they’ll never change…

Maybe he wasn’t telling me the truth… Maybe he decided he had nothing to lose by just telling me what I wanted to hear, because he thought he was going to die. But he didn’t die… It’s not over yet.

What happens if he does wake up? Will he still be forgiving of what I did then? Or will he realise that forgiveness is out of the question?

I hope Jade will forgive Jack for cheating on her with me, because they deserve to be together. I’ll try my best to convince her it was my fault and she should stay with him, but I’m drawing the line at the truth this time… No one else can know what a monster I really am.

All of a sudden, I snapped out of my deafening thoughts as a tentative voice filtered into my brain.

“Alex?”

This kind of interruption seemed to be becoming some kind of tradition, which was frustrating because I just wanted to be left alone with Jack and my thoughts... I couldn’t be bothered to talk to anyone.

I glanced over my shoulder instinctively and my eyes fell on Zack standing sheepishly in the doorway. It’s a rare occurrence to see Zack acting sheepish. It heightened my paranoia levels, as it occurred to me that Rian might have told Zack the confidential information that I told him.

I sighed heavily, waiting for Zack to predictably ask me to go for a walk with him, where he would then proceed to shout at me and tell me how fucked up I am. As if I don’t already know…

“Can I come in?” He asked my permission, as if I owned the room and visitors had to be invited in.

Even though I would rather he didn’t come in, it wasn’t really up to me whether he could come and visit Jack, so I sort of shrugged and nodded half-heartedly, before turning back on him to face Jack again.

I heard Zack shut the door behind him as he walked in and his footsteps grew gradually closer to where Jack and I were holding hands.

For a moment, everything was silent. I guessed Zack was staring at his best friend lying in the hospital bed under all the wires, where I was still trying my best to avoid looking.

“Have you had lunch?” Zack suddenly asked me after a few moments, breaking the silence.

I wasn’t quite expecting him to come in here and start talking about food. The thought of food made me want to be sick, so I didn’t appreciate it much. But in response to his question, I shook my head slowly.

“Have you actually moved from Jack’s side at all?” He enquired in a worried voice and I realised that he might not know I had spoken to Rian after all.
“Yes,” I replied truthfully.
Only for about 10 minutes though…

Silence completely absorbed us again and I began to drift off into my own sudden tedious thoughts of Lisa… Every now and then it hits me that I’m still married to her and I get a sudden surge of anger and an urge to put my fist through a wall.

I want a divorce... Now. I don’t want anything to do with her. But the thought of seeing her face is too much for me to handle right now. I’ll file for a divorce when I’m stable enough to deal with complications and a lying whore...

“He’s going to be okay, man,” Zack suddenly exhaled heavily, interrupting my thoughts and unknowingly building to my current state of anger.

He suddenly put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it lightly. I closed my eyes tightly and took a deep breath to prevent from lashing out at him. Zack doesn’t really ‘do’ comforting very often, so I tried not to snap at him, but I was in an erratic state of mind and his false pretense was not what I needed…

“You don’t know that,” I muttered flatly, shrugging his hand off of my shoulder.
Don’t make me promises that you can’t keep… It’s the last thing I need.

Zack exhaled again slowly and told me simply to “Remember all your happy times”,

I said nothing. It was too much effort to talk and I really wanted Zack to leave, so I tried to make him feel as unwelcome as I could, but he refused to take my hint, just like Rian. Zack isn’t blind to hints like Rian though… He’s just defiant to them.

“There’s a group of, like, 50 fans outside the hospital, you know?” He continued informatively. “The news about Jack has exploded onto the internet and the fans have gone crazy. I bet the number of them outside the hospital will probably multiply over the next few hours…”

I guessed Zack was telling me this to make me realise how amazingly loyal and devoted our fans are, but I couldn’t help but feel anxious at the thought of hundreds of them surrounding the hospital. There was no way I could get out now… I was trapped. I could never face them again after betraying them by trying to kill myself and practically tearing the band apart…

“Rian is outside with the fans right now. I just came to see if you wanted to come and talk to them with us…” Zack invited hesitantly.

Do I look like I’m in a fucking stable enough state to talk to the fans? I’d probably start crying in front of them, which would be pathetic…

How could I even look them in the eye? They would look at me with admiration, not knowing the evil things I have done…

I shook my head wordlessly in response to Zack’s offer, drifting off into my own thoughts of how the future of the band was unpredictable. I just couldn’t see how I would ever be able to stand up onstage in front of all the fans and embrace the position of their ‘hero’ ever again… I can’t seem to go on…

“Okay, man. But you are going to have to leave Jack’s side at some point,” he sighed, turning to leave.

No. As long as Jack is in this condition, I’m not leaving… The only way I’ll make myself leave him alone is if he wakes up or if he dies… I fall through these days that go by without cause…

*3 hours later*

Well, that plan went well…
I just got kicked out of the hospital room by the nurses, who said they need to check Jack over and do some tests to see how he’s doing. They also said I need to get some fresh air or something, because it wasn’t healthy for me to be in one room for so long…

But I don’t give a fuck about my health; I only care about Jack’s. And if those tests give bad results, I honestly don’t know how I’m going to handle it. I need some positive feedback… Something optimistic to give me hope and keep me going… Just a sign that you’re with me gives me the strength to hold on…

I had nowhere to go after being banned from Jack’s room. I had no intention of going to “get some fresh air” because I knew that the fans were lurking around outside and I wanted to avoid them as much as I could. All I could do was walk up and down the narrow corridors quickly, round in circles. I felt too frantic to even sit down.

I didn’t know where Rian, and Zack were, but I doubted they were still outside with the fans after all this time. I guessed they were probably either in the waiting room or the canteen… So I avoided those areas too.

I was wandering down an unknown ward in the hospital, when, suddenly, I laid eyes on someone I had not really braced myself to see just yet, walking directly towards me.

She didn’t see me staring at her, because she had her head hung low and her eyes on the floor. I started to consider diving through the next door I came to just to avoid her. My eyes darted sideways to look at the sign on the nearest door, which read ‘Breast Unit.’ (Of all the fucking words in the hospital!)

But then, before I had the chance to turn sharply and disappear through the door, I felt a heated gaze piercing into me and I knew I couldn’t run from fate: I knew I had to talk to her, even if I had no idea what I was going to say.

I swallowed nervously as I turned to face her, locking my eyes with her questioning ones. Her confused expression rapidly transformed into one of anger and resentment as she realised I was really who she thought I was. She pretty much looked like she wanted to kill me.

I stopped dead, feeling slightly anxious about how this was all going to go down, but she didn’t stop in her tracks, like I did. She continued walking towards me and I had to fight the urge to turn and run into the Breast Unit again as she approached me.

But in the end, I made no attempt to un-paralyse myself and make a break for it, because I knew I couldn’t run away from confrontation forever. I needed to swallow my pride and fucking get on knees and beg her for forgiveness, if that was what it would take...

She finally stopped in her tracks when she was standing directly in front of me, glaring at me with piercing eyes full of betrayal. Her lips were pursed and she made no attempt to speak to me. She didn’t have to; her eyes told me everything I needed to know about how upset, angry and hurt she was…

All of a sudden, she raised her right hand and I knew what was coming, but I didn’t try to avoid it. I didn’t recoil away from her; I just let her slap me, because I fucking deserved it.

“That’s for fucking him,” she said bluntly in a flat tone of voice.

I felt my cheek stinging slightly afterwards and I was sure there was probably a red mark forming on my face in the shape of her hand, but in a way I was relieved that someone had given me what I deserved. I almost wished she had a gun in her bag to shoot me with… Then I would really get what I deserved for everything I had done…

She had no idea what I really did to her boyfriend and I didn’t plan on telling her. Lisa must have jumped to conclusions after I told her I cheated on her, taking it to mean me and Jack had sex… But at that point, all I had actually done was given him a handjob. It wasn’t until the day after that I took things way too far and I did exactly what Jade was accusing me of.

“I’m sorry,” I apologised as whole-heartedly as I possibly could with my incomplete heart.

Predictably, my apology was not accepted. In fact, it was drowned out by Jade’s demanding outburst: “What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re married with a baby on the way!”
Whoa, flashback… I’m too afraid to just look back. It feels like fucking years ago now that I was in that position. In reality, it was only a day ago…

“No, I’m not,” I disagreed in a small voice.
Things change…
“Uh, yes, Alex, you are. It’s time you started accepting the truth!” She snapped obliviously.

I almost wanted to laugh at that statement. The truth is not what she thinks it is… Not at all…

“I am,” I mumbled bitterly, averting my eyes to the floor. “I’m learning to accept the truth that the baby is not mine... And I am moving on from Lisa…”
“What?” Jade questioned, sounding confused.

I refused to look up and meet her questioning eyes, because I didn’t want her to identify any kind of self-pity or loathing swimming behind my eyes.

“Lisa lied to me,” I stated candidly, sounding effortlessly emotionless because I already felt dead inside.
“Really?” Jade asked, unable to hide the shock in her voice. “Well, she forgot to mention that to me on the phone…”
The truth seemed to temporarily distract her from how angry she was and how much she hated me.

“She just wanted you on her side,” I replied, subtly reminding Jade that there was a dispute to be resolved here.
“This isn't a fucking war... There are no sides in this!” She scoffed, rolling her eyes. “I am just in the same position as her… You and Jack still cheated on both of us.”
I guess now is the time to pour my heart out and speak for Jack, because he isn’t here to defend himself…

“I know… I’m really sorry we went behind your back. I know Jack would get on his knees and beg for your forgiveness if he could. He loves you so much,” I told Jade desperately, needing her to forgive Jack… Needing to make things right after I fucked things up between them…

I watched Jade start shaking her head slowly and I could literally see it in her eyes that she was going to say something like “Jack wouldn’t sleep with you if he loved me so much.” But I didn’t give her a chance to say that; I continued talking quickly.

“What happened between me and him was a mistake. Afterwards he felt so fucking guilty and angry with himself… He never meant to hurt you… You mean the world to him, Jade.”
He means the world to me, but I broke him and I need Jade to fix him… Hoping that some day things will mend and be the same… If he ever comes around from his coma, I need her to stay with him… Protect him from me…

“I’m not as angry with him as I am with myself for getting into a position where he could break my heart again,” she spoke sadly, avoiding my apologetic eyes. “I made a promise with myself that I wouldn’t get involved with him again if he was still in love with you and I broke it-“
“What?” I choked, looking at Jade with wide eyes.
Oh my God... Did I just hear that right? How does she know that Jack loved me?

“Uh… He- he doesn’t… I don’t know what you’re talking about…” I stammered quickly in an attempt to erase her suspicions.
But it didn’t work.

“Come on, Alex… I’m not fucking blind and neither are you. I’ve known Jack for 3 years and I noticed right from the start the way he acts around you…” Jade spoke dejectedly, sighing in defeat.

“He has always worshipped the ground you walk on. I know you’re his best friend, but he holds you on a fucking pedestal… He trusts and looks up to you more than anyone. I never caught him looking at Zackor Rian the way I constantly saw him looking at you… It has always been obvious that he loves you as more than a friend,” she continued strongly, but I could see it in her saddened eyes that the truth was killing her and she was struggling to talk about it.

Hearing these words almost made my heart collapse inside my chest. I felt so ashamed, so guilty… Like the worst friend ever, because I knew I had betrayed Jack’s trust and caused an earthquake to the ground he once ‘worshipped’ me on. I’d surely ruined his loving perception of me. I also felt blind because it took me so long to realise that Jack was in love with me, even though it was apparently really obvious… All that's left to gain is a simple reminder that the things that we're blind to slip away…

“When him and I were together 2 years ago he used to dream about you all the fucking time. He used to wake me up so many nights moaning your name… Do you know how much that hurt me?” Jade asked, her eyes filling with tears.
Why did I never hear that? Why was I so fucking oblivious to everything?

“I… had no idea. I’m sorry…” I replied lamely, at a loss for what to say.

I felt guilty that I always used to be the centre of Jack’s attention, instead of Jade. But was it really my fault Jack developed such strong feelings for me? I guess I did lead him on a bit… But that’s because I had a crush on him and I didn’t know how much I was really affecting him…

“But if you knew he loved me, why did you stay with him?” I continued hesitantly, genuinely curious what her reason was for enduring such heartache.

“Because I loved him. I chose to accept that Jack had feelings for you and carry on like nothing was wrong, because I thought you would never want to be with him…” Jade explained regretfully, making me feel even guiltier for hiding my feelings for Jack for so long. I should have been honest right from the start…

Even now, Jade doesn’t know my true feelings for Jack… She just knows we had an affair. Unless Linsa told her my feelings... But maybe I should I pretend I was just in it for the fun and I never wanted us to be anything more than friends... Then it would be easier for Jade to give Jack a second chance if she thought she wasn’t literally standing in the way of me and him being together… If she thought I wouldn’t be with him, even if she wasn’t…

“But then, after we’d been together for 2 years, he dumped me, with the excuse that he didn’t know if I was what he wanted anymore…” Jade continued, drowning out my deciding thoughts in my head. “I was devastated. I thought we were happy, but he said he wasn’t. He didn’t mention you, but he didn’t have to… I knew you were the one he wanted.” Her voice was breaking and she dropped her eyes to the floor as a single tear rolled down her face.

“I’m sorry,” I repeated once more, feeling highly empathetic.
This whole situation has always been fucked up and liable to hurt everyone involved… Love hurts. Why does it have to be this way?

“I really didn’t know this had been going on for so long… But why would you get back together with Jack again after going through all of that the first time?” I asked tentatively.

“Because I never stopped loving him, Alex! When Rian rang me and said Jack was at a really low point in his life and he needed a familiar face like mine to cheer him up, I jumped at the chance. But even though I agreed to see him again, I made a promise with myself then that I wouldn’t get too close to him if he still loved you…” Jade cried, shaking her head slowly.

I felt so bad for her. I wanted to comfort her, but I didn’t know what to say, and I knew she probably didn’t want my sympathy…

“When we met up, Jack informed me that you had gotten married. I didn’t really stop to think that you getting married was obviously why he was depressed… I was blind. I thought he was finally over his feelings for you. He opened his arms to me and I fell straight into them, unknowingly breaking my promise,” she told me in a small voice full of regret.

“Everything was going great… Or so I thought. Then I got that call yesterday from Lisa telling me that Jack had cheated on me with you…” Lisa is such an interfering bitch… She shouldn’t have got involved… “It was like a reality check. I was completely devastated, but I felt stupid and naïve for almost completely forgetting that Jack ever loved you… I guess I should have seen it coming!”

“I’m sorry you’ve been hurt so much throughout this... I know it would destroy Jack if he knew how much he had hurt you…" I told her honestly. "But Jade, listen to me… You mean the world to Jack. He was going to ask you to marry him!”
He chose you... He didn't want me...

“He was?" Jade asked, wiping her eyes and looking at me in surprise. "Why, because he couldn’t have you?”
Okay, that might have had something to do with it...

“No, because he loves you!" I insisted confidently. "If he ever comes around from this coma, please give him another chance… You have to...”
“I can’t break the promise I made with myself again. I can never be with him now, because whether he loves me or not, I know he loves you more...” She shook her head despondently.
I'm pretty sure I destroyed his love for me...

“Me and Jack don’t belong together, Jade. He should be with you… He deserves to be happy,” I continued relentlessly.
He deserves someone who won’t keep fucking hurting him and Jade deserves to be happy again… They are right for eachother.

“Yes, he does deserve happiness... Which is why he should be with you. He’d much rather have you... He wouldn’t be happy with me, like before,” she sighed, adamant that she was right.

I knew there was only way I could make her realise she couldn't leave Jack... And as much as it killed me to say, I knew I had no choice if I wanted to make her stay with him...

“Well… I don’t want him. I- I don’t feel the same way about him as he does for me,” I muttered reluctantly, hating to tell such a blatant lie.

A short silence followed my cold-hearted statement. Jade seemed slightly taken aback. I was waiting for her to bring up the fact that I told Lisa I loved Jack and trying to think of an excuse... I decided I would just say I wanted to hurt Lisa.
But Jade didn't even ask.

“But you cheated on your wife with him,” she eventually retorted, narrowing her eyes at me.
Yes, I did... Countless times...

“I… I was just in the mood to have some fun…” I mumbled dishonestly, running my fingers through my hair and dropping my eyes to the ground to avoid her analysing gaze.

“So, basically, you were fucking with his heart and taking him for granted…” Jade clarified coldly.
This time I didn’t even need to lie, because that is actually exactly what I did...
“Yes.”

“Alex, you’re even more of an asshole than I thought you were,” she snapped, glowering at me in hatred.
I hung my head in shame and agreed with her silently that I was an asshole.

It seemed that the list of people who hated me was growing more and more each day…
Rian.
Jade.
Jack.
Me...
Just a painful mistake has left me here on my own…

I don’t think I can handle many more people turning against me. I need someone to tell me they don’t hate me… I need to be forgiven… I just need to hear that I mean something to someone. This is all I need… And that someone needs to be Jack.
I need him to wake up...

Notes

Song: Amber Pacific