POV: Alex

I swear I had only closed my eyes for a second when, suddenly, the touch of a hand on my shoulder woke me up and I blinked my eyes open to find the morning light shining through the curtains.

The first thing my eyes wandered to was Jack, lying in the same position as the last time I checked. I let out a depressed and disappointed sigh at the sight. I was praying he would wake up from his coma in the night... But I guess I'll just have to keep praying.

Seeing that Jack wasn’t awake made me not want to be awake either; I just wanted to go straight back to sleep and forget about my life again, fall out of reality into a world where everything was perfect for once. I felt like there was no reason for me to even wake up each day without Jack here to have a proper conversation with… To laugh and take the piss out of Rian with… To look into his eyes and see him looking back… To hold in my arms and kiss…

“Alex?” A familiar voice suddenly snapped me out of my dreamy state and I looked over my shoulder to find Rain standing there.

I almost wanted to shout at him for interrupting the wonderful dream I was having when he woke me, where Jack and I were finally together; we didn’t have to hide or lie about our relationship… There were no women or babies standing in the way of us being together… And there were no bad memories, pain, or fear… Nothing but love. We were free to be with eachother at last.

But I didn’t shout at Rian. I just stared at him with empty eyes, waiting for him to give his reason for waking me.

“We need to talk,” he told me tentatively.

I shrugged and averted my eyes to the floor, refusing to say a word and hoping he would take the hint and leave. I had nothing to say to anyone. Even Rian.

But I already knew full well that my brother cannot take a hint… Even if it was physically possible for me to hit him over the head with it, he would be oblivious.

“Just take a walk with me... Please?” He begged half-heartedly.

What if Jack wakes up and I’m not by his side?

I shook my head, turning back to look at Jack as if to explain I couldn’t leave him.

Rian heaved a long sigh, before giving up trying to be cautious and suddenly stating in a regretful tone, “I know about you and Lisa breaking up.”

Holy shit. How did he find out? Has he spoken to Lisa…?

I flinched slightly at the blunt reminder and humiliating fact that my marriage was a complete fail.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I mumbled tenaciously, trying to block out the painful memories from my head.

Rian chose to ignore my wish completely.

“How could you cheat on Lisa with Jack again and just leave her alone to raise a baby by herself?” he demanded frustratedly, clearly missing the most vital part of the story. And I wasn’t about to fill in the blanks for him.

The mere mention of Lisa’s name infuriated me, let alone the fact that Rian didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about.

“Don’t fucking try to pretend you know what happened,” I snapped suddenly, standing up from my seat so fast I made my brother recoil slightly.

“I’m not! I never said - I only know what Jade told me, because you don’t tell me a goddamn thing!” he stammered angrily.

Jade?! What the hell has she got to do with this? I completely forgot all about her…

The sound of Rian’s suddenly sad voice suddenly interrupted my circling thoughts and state of confusion; “I’m your family, your brother, Alex… Talk to me! Help me understand!”

For fuck sake, I knew he'd end up playing the "I'm your ‘brother’" card...

“Okay, fine!” I cracked under the pressure Rian was putting on me in my unstable state of mind. “You want to know why I left Lisa?" Tense pause. "Because she lied to me.”

Yes, that pretty much sums it up...

“What?” Rian gasped, looking at me with curious eyes.

I exhaled slowly to prepare myself before reluctantly going into more detail.

“Our whole marriage was based on a lie… It turns out she wasn’t pregnant with my baby at all. The father is her ex-boyfriend Matt and castiel, who, by the way, she cheated on me with and is probably back together with now,” I revealed in a completely fake, nonchalant manner to disguise the extent of the damage the truth had really inflicted on me.

I knew I wasn’t fooling Rian. Behind my masked voice and hard exterior, I was a broken man and he knew it.

“W-what?” he stuttered in shock, at a loss for words after hearing my shattering confession. “I - I can’t believe she would do that to you!”

Neither can I… But she did. So I better start believing it.

I didn’t say anything for the simple reason that I didn’t really know how to respond. Everything was depressingly quiet between me and Rian for a few minutes. I was trapped in my own dead-end thoughts about how my marriage and my life in general had not turned out the way I had hoped.

“Does all of this… have anything to do with why Jack is in a coma right now?” Rian suddenly whispered, looking at me with knowing eyes.

I could practically see him putting the pieces of the puzzle together in his mind. But still, there were quite a few pieces missing…

“Yes,” I admitted darkly.

There’s no point in denying the truth that it’s all my fault that Jack is in this condition…

“How?” Rian questioned pryingly.

I was reluctant to elaborate. I hung my head, too ashamed to continue looking my younger brother in the eye.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” I muttered again, turning my back to him.

I could never tell him the rest of the story… Some things are just better left unsaid.

“Why not?” Rian questioned irritably. “Is it really that bad?”

Worse than you could possibly imagine.

“Yes."

I didn’t give Rian a chance to reply or interrogate me further; I just stormed past him and left the hospital room. I need to get away… I carried on walking quickly down the winding corridors, not really knowing where I was going. I was just desperately trying to run from the truth... But in the end it caught up with me.

I could hear footsteps echoing down the corridor behind me, getting closer, until suddenly, I felt a familiar hand on my shoulder again, holding me back and causing me to stop in my tracks. I refused to turn around and face him, so he slowly moved to stand in front of me.

“Alex, please… Tell me what happened. I need to know. You can trust me. I won’t tell anyone, I promise,” Rian reassured me pleadingly, breathing heavily.

But the problem wasn’t that I felt like I couldn’t trust him… It was that he trusted me…

Rian looks up to me because… I don’t even know why, I’m a piece of shit, but I can’t bear to let him down… I just want to be a good role model for him, but he’ll lose all faith in me if he finds out the real story of what happened last night…

“Rian, look…” I began to protest, but he cut me off frustratedly, sensing my dismissive tone.

“I deserve to know why my best friend is in a fucking coma, Alex!” he snapped suddenly, getting increasingly annoyed with my refusal to tell him anything.

Once again, in my fragile frame of mind, I cracked.

“If you must fucking know, he’s here because he tried to save me and ended up taking the fall himself,” I retorted tactlessly, having a sudden flashback to Jack’s letter to me, where his words were engraved in my mind; ‘I hate you for all those times I was there for you and you were never there for me... Those times when I would stop you falling and then take the fall myself...’

I hated myself for not being there to save him more than ever now.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Rian enquired urgently, frowning at me.

“It means he got hit by that car as he was coming after to me, to try and stop me from killing myself,” I confessed erratically, fed up of speaking in riddles and deciding to go for the blunt truth.

Are you fucking happy now you know the truth?

“You… What?” Rian choked in horror, looking at me with wide eyes.

I didn’t want to repeat myself, so I kept my head down and my lips sealed.

I wasn’t really expecting my brother to take the news that I tried to kill myself very well, so I wasn’t all that surprised when it made him completely lose his shit…

“Holy shit, Alex! What the fuck were you thinking?” he demanded hysterically.

I was thinking I don’t deserve to live after what I did to Jack… My whole life had torn apart at the seams.
(Dean and Cas sex)

“I just couldn’t take it anymore!” I blurted out in distress.

I knew I wasn't really defending myself well, but there's no justification for my actions, let's face it.

“How fucking selfish are you?” Rian exploded in incredulity.

I guess I am pretty selfish; I was only thinking about my own pain… The pain I would cause others didn’t even cross my mind. I was too focused on the pain I'd already inflicted on Jack.

“It makes no sense that you, the fucking hero of so many broken and desperate kids, would go and do this!”

How many fucking times do I have to say, ‘I’m just an arrogant boy, I’m not a hero’? I never said I was perfect. I've been suicidal enough times in my life for Rian to understand that I'm fucking prone to self-destruction.

I peered up at Rian through my lashes to find he was wearing a look of disbelief on his face. The anger, sadness and confusion in his eyes made me feel like a fucking disgrace to him and everyone else that looks up to me. I was so ashamed of myself. Oh my God, I’m such a terrible mess…

“You’re always preaching to those kids and telling them not to piss their lives away on suicide… So, why can’t you take your own fucking advice?” Rian questioned frantically.

Alright, I get it. I’m a fucking hypocrite. I’ll just add that to the long list of stuff I hate about myself, shall I?

“You don’t understand,” I cried pathetically, my sad eyes suddenly filling with tears.

“You’re right, I fucking don’t,” Rian choked in a sharp voice. “So, tell me, Alex... Why did you try and take the coward’s way out? Tell me why I almost lost you forever last night!” His angry voice suddenly cracked on the last sentence and his tearful eyes mirrored my own.

I was reluctant to tell Rian the truth he was so desperate to hear, because I knew he would hate me for it and I didn’t want him to be disappointed in me. But if I didn’t tell him the whole story now, he would be disappointed and hate me for trying to take my life, because he would never understand what made me do it… So I couldn’t really win either way.
(Jerd wey. dore)
“I… I did something awful,” I whispered hesitantly, before falling silent.

Something unforgivable…

“What did you do?” Rian encouraged me eagerly.

I could feel his piercing eyes on my face, watching me like a hawk.

A single tear rolled down my face as I spoke regretfully.

“You’re going to hate me, Rian..."

He ignored my warning and shook his head.

“Of course I won’t. You’re Alex, and despite how angry and upset you make me sometimes, I’ll always love you,” he tried to reassure me, but I was past the point of reassurance in my erratic frame of mind.

“Well, I won’t blame you if you never want to see me again,” I muttered in an uneven voice, praying Rian wouldn’t disown me as a brother altogether.

He sighed heavily, getting impatient and frustrated with me.

“Alex, stop getting yourself worked up over this… Whatever it is cannot be that bad. Just tell me. I won’t think any less of you,” he insisted confidently. “Please.”

Still, I was not convinced.

He can’t say whether it’s bad, or if he will think any less of me, because he doesn’t fucking know what I did… You would never have guessed.

I stayed silent for a few extensive seconds after Rian’s words, just trying to think of a way to even confess the truth. Then, eventually, I sighed, resisting the urge to run away from Rian… Run away from confrontation and hide from the truth, because as much as I didn’t want anyone to know what I did, I knew that it would eat me alive if I didn’t get it off my chest sooner or later.

“As soon as I broke up with Lisa and got off the phone to her, I went a bit off the rails…” I began slowly, remembering how I wandered the streets of London, desperately searching for an alcohol store. Man, I take it too far. “I - I started drinking…”

“Oh my God!” Rian groaned, looking shocked and disappointed in me already.

He already thinks less of me and I haven’t even got to the worse part… How is he going to handle the rest of the story?

“And I… drank a whole bottle of vodka,” I mumbled, feeling ashamed of myself for going back to my old ways after all this time. How did I end up here? “I don’t know what I was thinking… I was so fucking stupid.”

I didn’t even want to think about Rian’s feelings towards me right now. If I thought about them too much I would lose my nerve and stop talking altogether. I still couldn’t look him in the eye; my gaze was fixed on the floor.

“Jack came to find me back at the hotel… And by that time, I was a complete fucking wreck…” I closed my eyes to fight the burning tears and try uselessly to block out the memory of what happened after that.

But the truth continued to fall from my mouth, like it was desperate to escape and reveal my dark secret that was killing me slowly. Rian was now completely silent, listening intently with baited breath to hear my confession.

“He - he tried to console me, but I kept getting angry with him. I told him I didn’t want his sympathy… I wanted him,” I struggled to keep my voice from breaking, but talking was suddenly such a strain.

“But he kept denying my pleas, saying he loved Jade…” My eyes were still closed, but a few tears managed to escape and stream down my cheeks. “He wouldn’t give in to me… And in the end, I just lost control…”

I lost everything: my mind, myself, and my best friend. Losing it all on these sick little games…

“I- I didn’t listen when h-he said no...”

I couldn’t carry on talking because I was literally falling to pieces reciting the terrible events of last night and I was too scared to open my eyes and see the look on my brother’s face. So I just stood there, crying silently.

There was an extensive silence suddenly. I wasn’t even sure if Rian was still standing there, because he hadn’t made a sound in a few minutes, which was unlike him.

But then, after what seemed like an hour, the silence was finally broken.

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” he croaked.

Don’t make me say it…

I didn’t answer him. I was too broken to speak anymore. The truth cut like a knife, severing my insides and making it hard for me to breathe, let alone talk.

“Tell me you didn’t, Alex… You didn't rape him…” Rian spoke in horror, dropping his voice just low enough for me to hear.

I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I couldn't lie. I just started crying more uncontrollably, my shoulders trembling from the force.

Rian was silent again at a loss for words now he knew the truth that his big 'hero' brother raped his best friend. I expected him to either turn his back and walk away from me, never to talk to me again, or just punch me in the face. But when I finally blinked my tearful eyes open, through my distorted vision I found him still standing in exactly the same place in front of me.

His eyes were focused on the floor, but as soon as I opened my eyes he looked up and I saw that they looked like mine more than ever now they were haunted with my dark secret.

“I’m sorry,” I choked on the tears, looking at him with devastated eyes begging for forgiveness. Comfort. Anything other than repulsion.

“I was wrong when I said I wouldn’t think less of you,” he murmured despondently.

His words stung and I screwed my face up in anguish. I couldn’t reply; I knew there was nothing I could say to redeem myself in his eyes… I had already lost my place. By telling him the truth, I had managed to completely destroy his admiring perception of me as his brother. Dressed up as myself to live in the shadow of who I’m supposed to be…

“I feel like I don’t even know you anymore,” he told me bitterly, shaking his head slowly at me.

“I don’t even know myself anymore."

Drinking alcohol, abusing Jack, trying to kill myself… That’s not who I really am. I’m losing the best of me...

“You need help, Alex,” Rian replied bluntly.

He’s right; I need fucking professional help. (fuckyeah-mikeyway)

“I know,” I agreed sadly. “I’ll get therapy… I’ll do whatever it takes to get my shit together!”

“You better,” Rian spoke flatly. “Because if by some miracle, Jack ever wakes up from this coma you put him in, you need to leave him the fuck alone.”

I knew what he was saying was just the harsh reality of the situation. I knew that if Jack was given another chance at life, I needed to back off and let him live it the way he wants… If he wants nothing to do with me, I will let him go.

But Rian’s words and the harsh reality still inflicted damage on my already battered heart.

“I will. Me and him were a lost cause from the start… He belongs with Jade, not me,” I stated, hanging my head as I uttered words that killed me to say. “He deserves to be happy.”

…I don’t. Austin Carlile

“Yes, he does. But you fucked things up for him and Jade… She knows he cheated on her with you,” Rian informed me sharply.

"W-what? How does she know?”

She was never meant to find out…

“Lisa told her!”

Shit... I really shouldn't have told Lisa I cheated on her with Jack...

“So, when she gets here tomorrow, you better fucking apologise to her and find a way to convince her that she should stay with Jack,” Rian suggested forcefully.

Wait… Jade is coming here? Oh God… I guess I’m going to have to prepare myself to get on my knees and grovel for forgiveness on mine and Jack’s behalf… But how am I even going to be able to look her in the eye, knowing what I did to her boyfriend?

“I- I will,” I stammered quickly, desperate to make things right again.

Rian glared at me for only a second longer, before starting to back away from me slowly. Then, he finally turned his back on me and just walked away, disappearing down the corridor.

I guess he couldn’t stand the disgraceful sight of me anymore... And I didn’t blame him for it. If I could walk away from myself, I would. But the only thing I can do now is change from who I have become… I need to find myself again.

Notes

BTW!!!!!!!! IF YOU GUYS SEE RANDOM NAMES THAT ARENT IN THIS STORY TELL ME!
My sister got a old of my document and i dont know if this is the fixed one or the non fixed one that she messed with. she just typed in every band that was on my wall and every band member she could remember. so yeah!!! sorry for not updating, im just taking a break ya know?

Song: ALL TIME LOW OF COURSE !!!!!!