Jack POV

I was lying on my bed, staring up at Robbie’s bunk directly above me, trapped in a trance of my own torturing thoughts. Then, all of a sudden, the bedroom door swung open and Rian came stomping into the bedroom, interrupting my moment of lonely peace. He immediately climbed up onto his own bunk above Alex’s and laid down, without so much as a glance at me.

I frowned at his ignorance.

Why isn’t he talking to me? Have I done something wrong?

Seconds turned into minutes of awkward silence and I started to think I had just imagined him walking into the room. (It wouldn’t surprise me. I think I am going insane…) But then I realised that I could hear him breathing heavily, like he was worked up about something.

“Uh. Are you okay?” I asked hesitantly, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

Rian heaved a loud sigh and didn’t reply for a while; he seemed reluctant to answer me.

Seriously, what’s up with him?

“I can’t stand it when you and Alex argue,” he eventually explained in a resentful voice.

I couldn’t help but take offence at his bitter tone, because it sounded like he resented me. I’m not the one to blame.

“Oh… Sorry?” I replied uncertainly, wondering if it was an apology he was searching for. I wasn’t at all sure what he wanted me to say, to be honest. “I don’t like it much either, you know,” I added sullenly.

I would much rather things were the way they used to be between Alex and I, before I discovered the depth of my love for him and the deceit that runs through his veins. We had the chance to make it. But things have changed now, and I don’t know if they’ll ever be the same. Now it’s over…

“Then sort it out,” Rian retorted bluntly.

My eyebrows furrowed again, contorting my facial features into a deeper frown, and my questioning eyes wandered to the other side of the room where Rian was led on his bed, staring at the ceiling. My view was partially blocked by the side of his bunk, so I quickly pulled myself up into a sitting position on my bed for a better look at him.

“What the fuck do you want me to do about it?” I blurted out, taken aback by his sudden irritation. “Don’t you dare tell me to apologise to him,” I added in a lower, warning voice.

I refuse to back down first… Alex started this, he can fucking finish it!

Rian heaved another extensive sigh and I saw him bring his hand up to cover his face, like he was frustrated.

If this is so damn frustrating, then why has he been so sympathetic and considerate towards me throughout all of this? Why the fucking sudden change of heart now, when I need his support the most?

Something suddenly clicked into place in my brain, causing a realisation to spontaneously strike me.

“Are you annoyed with me because I kissed you?” I asked incredulously.

“What?” Rian asked, sounding perplexed. Then, all of a sudden, he removed his hands from covering his face and appeared over the side of his bunk, looking down at me mirroring the frown on my face.

“You didn’t have to tell me to kiss you!” I replied huffily in disbelief, crossing my arms like a stubborn child. “I wouldn’t have forced myself on you, you know-”

“Jack, this is not about me and you. It’s about you and Alex,” Rian retorted impatiently. I narrowed my eyes at him. “And will you keep your voice down? That kiss never happened,” he added in a warning tone, causing me to shudder at how strongly he resembled his brother in that second.

“Alright, what’s your problem then?” I questioned immediately in a bored tone of voice.

“I’ve had enough of being in the middle of this,” he replied without hesitation, sounding equally bored. “I’m not telling you this as your friend, I’m telling you this as your band mate: sort it out.”

I couldn’t help but recoil slightly, taken by surprise by his words.

“Where did this come from?” I frowned at him, feeling confused. “I thought you were on my side in this!”

He was on my side 10 minutes ago, I swear… I lose myself in all these fights.

“Well, I decided when I was in the room with you and Alex just now that I don’t want things to carry on this way between you… I hate to see the two of you arguing,” he told me sadly.

Again, I hate it too… But there’s nothing I can do about it when we’re both so angry with each other…

“And I don’t want to be on anyone’s side anymore. I mean, Alex’s has lived with me since his brother died, he is basically my brother now and you’re my best friend. I can’t be on a side.”

Well, this is an ongoing war, I’m afraid.

“But I thought you agreed that Alex is an asshole to me earlier after he punched me,” I mumbled in confusion.

“Well, I’m beginning to see Alex’s point of view in this… And no offence, man, but you were kind of asking for that punch,” Rian revealed darkly. “I’m not saying I think it’s right that he punched you, because it’s not... But you did take that alcohol, knowing full well that it is something that has tortured him endlessly for years, and use it against him.” I wish that I could take it back… “You hurt him, Jack. Honestly, I think that punch was just a reflex.”

Rian seemed disappointed in me, but it was nothing compared to how disappointed I was in myself. No one could have a lower opinion of me than I do right now... Not even Alex.

I hung my head and stared at the floor, too ashamed to defend myself or even look Rian in the eye any longer. I agreed with everything he was saying; I understood his frustration and I knew he was right… I just didn’t want to admit I was wrong. I lose my sense of wrong and right. I just knew that if my encouragement had made his brother start drinking again, Rian would probably want to kill me right about now.

“I think Alex’s just trying to do the right thing here in marrying Lisa,” Rian continued hesitantly after a short pause. “He may not be going about it in the best way... But he’s with Lisa because she needs him... More than you, Jack…” he trailed off, looking at me pitifully.

I don’t know how accurate that statement that Lisa “needs” Alex more than me is… But one thing I do know is that she doesn't deserve him, and she could never want him more than I do. No one could.

Rian’s words temporarily blocked out the guilt and shame I felt, because another emotion was overriding them again: anger.

“So, you think Alex was just trying to do the right thing when he told me he loved me last night?” I snapped, beginning to feel frustrated and upset again. “You think he was right to make me think we ever stood a chance?” We will never be together.

“No. That wasn’t right of him. In fact, it was a really fucked up thing to do. But I think he’s just been confused about his feelings recently.”

Confusion is not a good enough excuse! You’re breaking my heart...

“He was never trying to hurt you,” Rian defended his brother confidently.

Well, that's laughable.

“Well, he did,” I retorted sharply. “He messed with my heart, making me fall in love with him… And he made me believe he actually loved me too. Then he threw me aside like the worthless piece of shit I am and married her, even though I begged him not to… And suddenly, everything that I've ever wanted has been snatched away from me, just like that.”

It’s over… Why is it over?

My breathing was suddenly heavy, trying to keep up with the erratic pace of my heart.

Rian was silent for a moment, but I could feel his apologetic eyes on my face. My own eyes began to sting and my vision quickly became blurred as they suddenly filled with tears. My tears run down like razorblades. I kept my tearful eyes fixed on the floor, trying to escape Rian’s piercing eyes that were swimming with unwanted sympathy.

“I know you’re upset, Jack… I understand. But please, if you can't see things from Alex's point of view, try to see from mine," he pleaded carefully.

Rian's point of view? I’ve never really thought about how all of this is affecting him… Is that selfish?

“I can see this band tearing apart at the seams right now, because of you and Alex. I mean, what the fuck happens if you two never sort this shit out?” He asked abruptly.

I swallowed hard and remained silent.

I knew what would happen to the band… But I didn’t want to speak the harsh reality of the situation.

“I’ll tell you what happens… It’s the end of us. All Time Low doesn’t stand a fucking chance if things carry on the way they are,” he declared finally, causing a wave of hard-hitting emotions to crash over me.

I felt selfish and ashamed; I was slowly drowning in self-loathing.

“Do you not care about us?” Rian asked hesitantly when I was too absorbed in my own thoughts to respond.

“Yes, of course I do,” I snapped out of my trance-like state immediately. “But I’m gonna be honest with you… I’m kind of losing the will to care about All Time Low now,” I confessed, hanging my head.

It’s true: right now I’m almost past caring. I actually can’t be bothered with anything, including ATL… I’m falling apart.

Rian sighed quietly, but it was not in defeat: he was not giving up trying to talk some sense into me. I knew he, unlike Alex, would never give up on me… But I almost wished he would, because I didn’t want to give in. It’s not over, unless you let it break you.

“I know you’re in a difficult place emotionally right now, man, but the longer you leave things this way between you and Lex, the harder it will be to get things back to normal,” he told me.

I shrugged carelessly.

I honestly couldn’t see things ever being ‘back to normal’ between me and Alex.

“I know you don’t want to lose him forever, even if you haven’t realised that yourself yet,” Rian spoke knowingly. “And you don’t want this band to be destroyed because of this… Do you?”

Why is he so certain that I don’t want to lose Alex, yet so uncertain that I don’t want to destroy the band? I won’t let it die. I don’t want to lose either of them, deep down.

I exhaled extensively, shaking my head in response.

“Good," Rian said in relief, smiling feebly. "Right, we’ve got a month off before we tour again now, and I’m going to help you get over Alex.”

His vagueness and confidence caused me to frown slightly.

“How?” I wondered aloud.

Is it even possible to get over Alex? I don't think so.

Rian stared at me with bright, caring eyes.

“I’m going to get you a girl,” he revealed secretively.

Oh. There’s just one problem with that, Rian… I don’t want a fucking girlfriend! Seriously. If I can’t have Alex, I don’t want anyone.

I shot Rian a sceptical look that showed the doubts running through my head.

"Trust me, you need to move on some time, Jack... And I know exactly who you need now, and it's not Alex," he stated confidently.

Sometimes it scares me that Rian knows me better than I know myself... But I'm getting used to it now.

He's right, of course... I’ll never get over my feelings for Alex if I’m constantly by myself. So, maybe I do need a girlfriend… Maybe I need to be loved…

"Who is it then?" I demanded impatiently.

The corners of Rian's mouth curled upwards into a wry smile.

"You'll see," he replied vaguely.

That boy is so frustrating.

“Right. Well, don’t blame me if it makes things worse between me and Alex,” I yawned, feeling the tiredness begin to take me over.

I wasn’t sure how Alex would react to me getting a girlfriend.

Is it wrong to hope he fucking suffers the same burning jealousy he puts me through every time I see him and Lisa together? I don’t think he could handle it.

Neither me nor Rian spoke again after that. The conversation was dead and my thoughts were in mourning, replaying everything that was said. But it wasn’t long before the alcohol in my system took over my body, shutting it down and forcing me straight into a deep and troubled sleep.

It’s not over, unless you let it take you…

Notes

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