POV: Jack

Lisa stayed again last night. I tried to ignore what her and Alex were doing just a few meters away from me in his bunk, but my heart literally ached every time I heard Alex moan her name. It's like he wasn't even trying to be quiet; he was taunting me. It was all fucked up; it should be my name falling from those perfect lips.

I haven’t yet discovered the technique of shutting down my heart and mind in order to avoid feeling pain, so it hurt me, and this time I decided to just get up and leave the room. I didn’t care about my timing; I just knew I needed to get out of there, because I was not prepared to endure another night of torture.

I spent the night on the sofa without so much as a wink of sleep and was up and about by 6am, having decided that sleep was a lost cause from the start.

I distractedly poured myself some coffee to make myself more alert and sat down at the table with my head in my hands, because it suddenly felt too heavy to hold up. Quite frankly, I felt like shit.

I don’t know how many minutes passed before noise started to infiltrate my throbbing head, but it can't have been very many.

Heavy sighing, uneven footsteps, pouring coffee, and then finally chair legs scraping on the kitchen floor as someone else sat down at the table. I didn’t immediately make the effort to look up and whoever it was didn’t make the effort to speak.

Everything was silent. Then, suddenly, the next sound of them sipping their coffee pierced my ears and I finally lifted my painful head. My eyes fell on Alex. I had a feeling it was him… He’s the only one who sips his coffee that noisily. (Then again, everything sounds about seventeen times louder to me right now.)

He looked as rough as I felt. His eyelids seemed to be too heavy and the dark rings underneath his tired eyes were emphasized by the paleness of his face. His hair was even messier than it usually is in the morning; it was definite sex hair. Even though I despised how he had got it, it was pretty hot.

We stared at each other across the table without words for a few minutes, drinking our coffees.

“You look like shit,” I suddenly commented bluntly.

“So do you,” he croaked, raising his coffee cup to his mouth again.

“Ifeellike shit. I have the worst headache in the world,” I groaned, running my fingers through my hair and massaging my scalp.

“Take some pills then,” he retorted flatly.

Okay, so that wasn’t such a bad idea...

I sighed and pulled myself up from the table with a lot of effort. Then I rummaged around in the cupboards, looking for paracetemol for my bitch of a headache. When I finally found a packet, I emptied the contents into my hand and found there were only two left.

“Need one?” I asked Alex.

“Pills don’t help me,” he stated simply.

What's that supposed to mean?

I burrowed my eyebrows at him. He avoided my questioning glare.

“What’s up with you anyway?” I questioned, grabbing a glass of water and taking the paracetemol.

“Uh... Nothing. I didn’t get any sleep.” He yawned at the thought of sleep, running his fingers through his knotted hair.

I guess I’m not the only one who suffers from insomnia…

“Neither did I,” I replied, yawning involuntarily too. “But you look kind of ill, Alex,” I added, staring at him with a concerned expression.

“Okay, yeah, I get the message; I look awful,” he retorted sharply, looking at the floor and now playing with his untidy hair.

Normally, I would immediately disagree, but today he kind of did… Well, as awful as is humanely possible for Alex to ever look.

“Yousureyou’re feeling okay?” I pestered. The worry was obvious in my voice.

“I'mfine, Jack," he snapped in the frustrated tone of voice that told me he wasnotfine. "I just need a fucking cigarette.” He sighed before drinking the remaining coffee in his cup and standing up abruptly.

He rushed towards the front door, pulling a packet of cigarettes out of his pocket as he went. Seconds later, the front door slammed loudly behind him, nearly killing me and my sensitive head.

I don’t know why Alex refuses to take paracetemol. I’m pretty sure he’s in need of some right now. I mean, I know it’s a drug, but it’s not like he’s going to get addicted to it. I admire his control, but addiction isn’t something he should fear. I’ve never known anyone overcome addiction as easily as him; once he sets his mind on getting past it, he never looks back.

My eyes suddenly rested on Alex’s red lighter lying on the kitchen counter. (Of course he forgot it… He always does.) I wondered why he hadn’t come back in for it yet, but part of me knew he wasn’t going to come back in and get in... He has pride issues, I swear. The other part of me knew I was just going to end up taking it to him, like the selfless pushover that I am.

I picked up the lighter and made my way out the door. The bitter, cold air of the early Monday morning stung my face as I stepped outside the tour bus. I didn’t have to look very far to find him; he was right outside the door, leaning with his back against the tour bus.

He didn’t seem to hear the door open or me walking down the steps. He seemed in a complete world of his own, staring up to the sky.

“Lex? I, um, thought you might want your lighter,” I said awkwardly, accidentally making him jump a mile in the air.

I stared into his eyes and my heart lurched horribly when I realized they were glistening with tears. He lookedbroken.

He shook his head and turned away from me, trying to hide from my analysing eyes.

“A-Alex, are you okay?” I asked in concern, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder.

It was painfully obvious he wasn’t okay, but I almost expected him to lie and say he was, which would just make me increasingly worried.

“Leave me alone, Jack,” he whispered, shrugging my hand off his shoulder. He continued to stare in the opposite direction too.

For once, I didn't follow his command... I couldn’t bring myself to leave.

“What’s wrong?” I questioned, chewing my lip nervously.If only I could find the answer to help me understand…

“I said leave me alone,“ he protested stubbornly.

What the fuck is wrong with him?

“But I can help…” I tried to comfort him.I wish that I could tell you something to take it all away…

“No, you can’t! N-not this time...” Alex stated in a quivering voice, shaking his head.

Why can I not help “this time”?!

“What do you mean?” I frowned deeply, suddenly confused.

He heaved a shaky sigh.

“Jack,goaway,” he commanded me in a more forceful tone.

For fuck sake, why is he being like this?

“No, Alex… Don’t shut me out!” I begged.

I won’t give up...I want to know what he is hiding from me; I want to help; I need to help… Why won’t he let me?

“I have to,” he growled unexpectedly. “Now please, fuck off.”

I stared at him in disbelief.

Seriously, what the actual fuck is wrong with him? He “has to” shut me out? Why the fuck…? He’s being so fucking weird.

I sensed that he was getting more frustrated and my initial thought that he wanted to be alone was right all along… So I sighed heavily in surrender and started to slowly back away, still staring at him questioningly as he continued avoiding my eyes.I pull myself together...

“O-okay, fine… I’m just… I’m always here if you need someone to talk to,” I stammered awkwardly.If you fall, you know I’ll be there for you…

“Here’s your lighter,” I mumbled, outstretching my hand to him.

Without looking at me or saying a word, he took it from my hand and shoved it in his jean pocket. He clearly wasn’t intending on using it right now. I had a feeling he was just going to break down and cry as soon as I left.

I really didn’t want to leave him outside alone, but he is a stubborn motherfucker and I knew if I stayed it would cause an argument. So, I respected his wish to leave him alone and wandered back inside the bus reluctantly.

There were now many emotions flooding through my mind… Worry. Confusion. Helplessness. Desperation. And of course, once again, rejection.

Alex is clearly upset about something and he won’t tell me what... How am I supposed to cheer him up if he won’t fucking open up to me?I can’t make you feel better.He's never shut me out before; I’m always the one he leans on and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I remember when he broke up with Dem and started getting clean and sober he shut everyone out in his life that tried to help him… Everyone but me; I was the only one he let in.

So why is he kicking me out now?

I was greeted by Lisa in the kitchen, wearing MY“I Love Alex”top, when I got back on the tour bus, and my mood went from bad to worse. I mentally added“annoyed”to my emotion list.

I kind of grunted in response to her cheerful greeting of “hey, Jack!”

“Do you know where Alex is?” She questioned.

“No,” I lied automatically.

Knowing Alex (and Idoknow him better than anyone, especially Lisa), he probably doesn’t want people to see him in the state he’s in… And I don’t particularly like the idea that Alex could open up to Lisa instead of me, so I’m not gonna willingly give her the chance to comfort him.

“Oh. Uhm, Jack?” Lisa asked slowly. I arched an eyebrow to show I was listening. "Can I ask you something?"

You just did...

I groaned inwardly.

Must she talk to me?!

“What?” I said a little roughly.

“Do you... think Alex is happy?” She asked in a small voice.

I stared at her blankly.

Do I think Alex is happy? Well, no, not right at this moment in time…

“What, in life?” I tried to narrow the question down slightly.

“Yeah, well... Like, with me… Do you think he wants me?” She asked, biting her lip.

Oh great, what am I, the fucking relationship guru? I really, really do not want that role for Alex and Lisa...

“Well, he’s dating you, isn’t he?” I replied, my voice dripping with resentment.

“Yeah, but he just doesn’t seem that into me… He’s kinda distant from me sometimes," she revealed sadly. "It’s making so paranoid… Like, maybe there’s someone else.”

I expect hearing those words coming from Lisa any other day would have lifted my mood and fucked up hopes, but today it just made me feel even fucking worse... Now I’m even more worried about him.

He seems to be being kinda distant from everyone right now… It’s making me paranoid too. Not that there's someone else, but that he’s starting to go back to his old ways… Back to the drugs and alcohol. (But now that I think about it, the possibility that there could be another fucking person to get in the way of me and Alex being together, like we’re meant to be, is sickening.)

“I think he just needs his space,” I shrugged, trying to remain calm.

The last thingI’mgoing to give Alex is space, because then it’ll be easier for him to slip back into old habits... But Lisa, on the other hand, can do us all a favor and back the fuck off. That’s for Alex’s benefit, as well as mine… He’s been acting odd ever since he started seeing her.

Lisa sighed and nodded.

The conversation was dead for about 5 minutes, because we were both probably absorbed in our own thoughts of Alex, but then Lisa broke the silence.

“I’m gonna go back to my own tour bus. When you see Alex, tell him I’ll see him soon, okay?”

Good riddance. And no, I’m not going to talk about you when I see Alex again…

I nodded wordlessly and she left swiftly.

***

I didn’t see Alex again till that night onstage, andoh my fucking God, he was a total mess. And therefore, so was the show. I felt like we had gone back in time… Back to the days when Alex was so wasted he couldn’t even stand, let alone sing.

Once again, he spent a lot of time lying on the floor. He seemed to fall over his feet quite a lot too.

I couldn’t help the thought that Alex might have been drinking all day today from entering my mind. After all, he had been off by himself doing fuck knows what... I felt sick with worry at just the idea.

Every night so far of the tour, during ‘Remembering Sunday’ we all go offstage and leave Alex to sing it alone, but tonight I had to practically be dragged off stage by Zack, because Alex was lying flat in the middle of a massive, empty stage and I wanted to run to his aid.Sometimes I wish I could save you…

“He knows what he’s doing,” Zack had tried to assure me, but he had sounded doubtful.

I managed to refrain from going over to him, only when he started singing because then I knew he wasn’t fucking unconscious or something.

I don’t know where the hell it came from, but Alex spent the majority of ‘Jasey’, a few songs later, lying on a random sofa in the middle of the stage. He seemed to have so little energy… I guess it didn’t help that he had no sleep last night, but usually the energy from the crowd is enough to keep us going when we’re worn out.

During ‘Therapy’, Alex knelt down at the front of the stage as he sang. Zack, Rian and I frequently exchanged concerned glances between each other. It was literally painful to watch him.It tears me up inside to see you.And I flinched when I heard him practically choke the words“I think that keeping this up could be dangerous”because he sounded so emotional all of a sudden.

Iknewhe wasn’t healthy the minute I saw him this morning… I don’t know why he didn’t just say he wasn’t up to performing tonight. I mean, I know he doesn’t like to let down the fans, but I’m willing to bet the fans equally don’t like to watch him falling over the stage all night... He's clearly not alright.

I think we were all relieved when the show was over and Alex quickly stumbled off stage, followed closely by the rest of us. He tripped down the stairs and was just about to fall to the ground, when I jumped from the steps and dived next to him to hold him up.If you fall, stumble down, I’ll pick you up off the ground.

“Holy shit, Alex. What the fuck is going on?” I demanded in bewilderment, keeping a firm hold on him, so he couldn’t shake off my arm this time, even though he didn’t seem to want to anyway.

He needed to be supported. He must have realised this because he even wrapped his own arm around my waist loosely.

I barely heard him mumble “I… didn’t know it was so bad.”

When I hear your voice, it’s drowning in a whisper…

Zack, Rian and Robbie appeared either side of me and Alex, their expressions full of worry.

“You’re not fucking using or drinking again, are you?” Rob suddenly asked bluntly.

I think he was just voicing what we were all secretly suspecting, but he could have approached it in a more sensitive way… But Rob doesn’t reallydosensitive.

“No!” Alex protested strongly with wide eyes.

And just like that, my fears of him getting back into drugs and alcohol again were calmed. I may be too trustworthy, but I always believe Alex.

Rian patted his best friend lightly on the back.

“Good, bro. So like, what is going on with you?” He asked curiously.

“I… don’t know…” Alex replied, sounding genuinely confused.

We all just kind of stared at him doubtfully in silence, exchanging confused glances with each other, until we eventually reached the tour bus.

Alex staggered inside and headed straight for the bedroom, leaving me following behind. When I entered the bedroom, he had already crawled into his bed and was lying under his covers with his hands covering his eyes.

“Lex…” I said hesitantly, barely louder than a whisper.

“Jacky…” He spoke in the same tentative way.

I stood uncertainly next to his bed for a while, wondering whether to let him get some rest, which he sure as hell needed to, or try to get him to open up to me again. After a few seconds of indecisive swaying on the spot, I finally decided to leave.

But as I turned to go I felt Alex grab my hand in protest. I stopped and looked at him questioningly. He no longer had his hands over his beautiful eyes… He was staring at me searchingly, like he was looking for something in my eyes.

“I don’t have the strength,” he whispered, looking scared.

I’ll give you strength to pull through.

I didn't know what he was talking about, but the way he seemed so worried mademeworry.

“That’s because you need to get some sleep,” I advised, trying to stay calm.

He started shaking his head slowly, disagreeing with me. “That’s not what I need.”

I found myself slowly dropping down next to him onto his bed.

“What do you need then, Lex?” I asked curiously.

I’ll give him what he needs...You know I’ll be here for you.

He closed his eyes and was silent for a painfully long time. I looked down instinctively at our hands which were still holding tightly onto eachother and I felt Alex’s hand start to shake. My free hand came forward and started to stroke Alex’s trembling hand comfortingly as I waited for him to answer patiently.

“You,” he finally breathed softly, making my hand freeze on top of his and my heart skip.

Notes