“What is going on with you?” Jack groans and plops on the tile floor next to me. “This is like the third time this week you’ve thrown up.”

“I have no idea.” I whimper weakly. “I hate this.”

That was a lie. I have some idea. I’m just too afraid to admit it.

“I’m staying home this time.” Jack ties my hair up for me.

“No.” I fight with him.

“Jesus Em are you going to let me take care of you or not?” He snaps.

“I’m not. If I get sick tomorrow then you can stay but I honestly think this is the last day.” I lie again.

“Emma.” He sighs.

“Jack, please. It’ll make me feel worse.” I plead before heaving whatever is left in my stomach up.

“Fine.” He mumbles. “I can’t keep doing this though. It causes me crazy anxiety going to school without you. I worry about you.”

“I’m okay Jack.” I smile weakly. “I swear.”

Jack helps me to the sink so I can brush my teeth. I scrub and scrub until I swear my gums must be bleeding. He tucks me into his bed and starts getting ready for school. I watch him through sleepy eyes and smile whenever he looks at me. He looks worried, but smiles back anyway. After about 15 minutes, he finally leaves. Luckily, his mom left for work before I started throwing up this morning.

I get out of bed quickly and get dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie. I drive myself to the nearest grocery store and browse the isles. I grab some candy, ice cream, and 3 different types of pregnancy tests. I approach the cashier feeling more self-conscious than ever.

“Good morning.” The cashier smiles at me warmly. “Did you find everything you needed today?”

“Mhm.” I nod quickly, tapping my foot impatiently.

She rings up my items quickly, sensing my impatience and bags them as I pay. She hands me my bags with a pitiful smile, as if to say, everything will be okay.

Bitch.

I speed back to Jack’s and run into his bathroom. I lock the door behind me and pull out the first pregnancy test. I pee on it, shaking with nervousness the entire time. I put the cap on the test and put it on the bathroom counter. I set a timer on my phone to go off in two minutes. I wash my hands and start eating some of the candy I bought. My hands are shaking so bad, I drop the Skittles on the floor.

“Fuck.” I curse.

The timer beeps right as I finish picking up the last Skittle and the sound scares me so much, I drop them all again. I grab the test and examine it, getting the exact result I was expecting.

A pink plus sign.

That can’t be right.

This can’t be happening.

I fall to the bathroom floor and begin to sob. I’m one of those girls. I’m that 17-year-old girl who goes to high school, has a boyfriend of a few months, and gets pregnant. I can’t be that girl. This can’t be right.

I throw the test into the box and grab my groceries. I go to the kitchen and put the ice cream in the freezer, grabbing a bottle of water on my way out. I chug it quickly, needing to generate enough fluid to administer another test.

20 minutes later.

Another pink plus sign.

40 minutes later.

Another pink plus sign.

20 minutes until Jack comes home for lunch.

My fourth pink plus sign.

I stuff all of the tests into an empty box and close it tightly. I stuff it in one of my empty suitcases and lie down in Jack’s bed, pretending to be asleep. My heart races and my head throbs. I don’t even know what to say. Do I tell him? Do I hide it?

I can’t tell him. It’ll ruin Jack’s world. We are too young to have to deal with this. He’d have to quit school and get a job. I am not going to make Jack go through this. I’ll deal with it on my own. I can get an abortion.

Who am I kidding? Just the thought makes me sick.

Adoption?

I wouldn’t be able to part with a baby. I’ve always wanted kids so badly, just not under these circumstances. I don’t think I can take care of a baby on my own though.

Should I just kill myself?

If I kill myself I'm killing two lives. My head spins and I feel like I’m going to pass out, just as I hear Jack’s footsteps through the house.

“Emmabear?” Jack calls.

“In here baby.” I wince at the word.

“How are you feeling beautiful?” He asks me as he plants a kiss on my forehead.

“Still a little sick. How’s school going today?” I scoot over in the bed as he crawls in.

“Boring as usual. I miss you.” Jack snakes an arm around my waist and pulls me towards him.

“I miss you too.” I whisper, not trusting my own voice.

I wrap my arms around Jack and breath in his scent for what might be the last time. I kiss his cheek, his jaw, his neck. I kiss my favorite freckle behind his ear, whispering goodbye in my head. His long fingers run up and down my back as he hums softly. My heart breaks with every note because I know that when he comes home from school today, his life will change. My life will change. The only problem is, they will change in different ways.

I crawl on top of Jack and straddle his waist. He looks up at me with his brown, puppy eyes and smiles. The guilt pulling at my heart is tearing me apart as I kiss his lips softly.

“Make love to me.” I whisper.

“Now?” He looks up at me confused.

“Now.” I nod. “Please.”

Jack kisses me in response and laces his fingers through my hair. My mouth parts and our tongues tangle gently. I memorize every movement, every taste, every reaction. It is only a matter of minutes until both of our clothes are off. I hover over Jack and kiss his jaw. I kiss down his neck, down his chest, down his stomach, and back up. My lips memorize every last bit of his body and burn it into my brain. He makes soft moans every now and then, and I drink those in as well.

“God I love you.” Jack murmurs huskily.

I hold that the closest to my heart.

I position myself over Jack and slip him inside of me. He groans slightly and his jaw goes slack. I move on top of him slowly, making sure to never forget this feeling. This is one of my favorites. This is that one point where we are one in every sense of the word. We are one emotionally, physically and spiritually. Jack is the love of my life.

And that’s why this is so hard.

I continue to move up and down on Jack’s shaft, picking up the speed slightly as we both come close to finishing. Jack pulls me down towards him and kisses me passionately, just as he releases into me. I finish shortly thereafter, in a mess of pants and whimpers.

I collapse on top of him and he wraps his long arms around me. I bury my face in his neck and kiss it repeatedly.

“Feeling better?” He chuckles.

“Much.” I lie.

We catch our breaths, tangled in each other’s embrace. My heart is basically destroyed but I know what I need to do.

“I have to get back to class my love. I’m already 10 minutes late.” Jack murmurs against my ear.

This is it. This is goodbye.

“Okay.” I nod.

I help Jack get dressed and I dress myself. Just as I pull my shirt over my head he laces his arms around me and hugs me tightly.

“I think I fall more and more in love with you every day.” Jack kisses my earlobe.

“I know the feeling.” I agree honestly.

“Walk me to the door?” He asks.

I nod and walk with Jack to his front door hand in hand. We stop as we reach the door and I turn to Jack.

“Jack.” I start. “I’m in love with you and I always will be. There will never be someone as amazing as you are to me. You’ve given me more than I could possibly ask for.”

“Emmabear, I hope you know I feel the exact same way.” He laughs and kisses me obliviously.

“I know.” I smile up at him. “I just wanted to let you know that you are the only one for me and I love you more than words can ever describe.”

“I love you too.” Jack pulls me in for a hug.

I hug him back tightly and kiss his chest. We pull away from each other and he looks in my eyes.

“Bye Emmabear. I love you.” He smiles.

“Bye Jackypoo. I love you too.” I lean up on my tippy toes and kiss him for the last time.

I watch him go to his car, feeling more and more like a bitch. It’s what needs to be done. I love Jack too much to screw his life up with a kid. He would be there for me, I don’t doubt that for a second, but it would be because he has to be. I don’t want us to have a forced family. I know Jack would be an amazing father, but now isn’t the time. I want him to go after his dreams worry free. I want him to have the best possible life he can. Maybe one day he’ll have a family of his own. I just know it won’t be today.

I clean Jack’s bedroom and make his bed. I pack all of my belongings into my suitcases and pull out a piece of paper. As I sit on Jack’s floor, I’m taken back to the first time he had me over. We played guitar and sang, as if there wasn’t a care in the world. I think that’s when I first started falling for him, even if I didn’t know it yet. I let out a long sigh and begin to write.

Jack,

I’m so sorry. This isn’t an easy decision for me to make, but it’s the right one. You will always be the light of my world, the sun in the sky, my stars at night. I have to leave you now. I don’t want you to come looking for me. I want you to trust me when I say that this was in your best interest. I can’t tell you why I’m leaving, but it’s my only choice. I love you so much Jack. I know you probably don’t believe me now and I understand. I don’t think I would believe me either. I meant every word I said to you when I told you I loved you. I will miss the nights where I cook for you, the time we shared at the school field trip, and even the times with Alex. I think the part I will miss the most is falling asleep by your side and waking up in your arms. Even if I didn’t fall asleep in your arms, I always woke up in them. I will miss playing guitar with you and even singing, even though it makes me self-conscious. You always found a way to make me feel comfortable in my times of vulnerability. Thank you for always being there for me. Never in my life have I felt more cared for or more cared about. I’ve never been able to open up to anyone like I’ve been able to open up to you. I’m sorry for all the pain this is causing you, but I promise you it’ll be less pain than if I had stayed. I couldn’t take the guilt of looking you in the eyes, telling you I loved you, and knowing that I was hiding something from you. I wanted everything with you, I really did. You and your mother have been more than hospitable to my brother and I. If you and your mother do not feel like you want to take care of my brother any longer, I understand. I would talk to Jason’s mom or even my parents to see if he can stay with one of them. Know that I will not hold it against you either way. Tell Alex that I’m sorry. Tell him to keep pushing towards his goals and that I support him no matter what he chooses. Jack, try to be friends with him. You two have more in common than you know. Thank you for the most amazing few months of my life. I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I hope I see you again someday, somehow. You will forever be in my heart Jack Barakat. I love you.

With every ounce of my love,
Emmabear

I fold up the tear-stained note and set it on his pillow. I look through his closet and grab one of his hoodies, too selfish to want to leave it. I hang up one of mine in return so it’s at least a fair trade. He’ll probably burn it anyway.

I grab my suitcases and lug them out to my car. I search the house for any more of my belongings and pile the remainder of them into the front seat. I write a quick note to my brother, explaining that I had to leave and that I love him. I told him to keep an eye on Jack and have fun with Jason. I didn’t tell him why I left either. I write one final note to Jack’s mom thanking her for all she’s done for me. I leave her note on her pillow and my brother’s on his. I say goodbye to the house for the last time, and close the door behind me.

Tears stream down my face as I pull out of the Barakat’s driveway for the last time.

“It’s just me and you now.” I place a hand over my flat stomach and drive far, far away.

Notes

SO YOU PROBABLY HATE ME BUT I NEED YOU TO TRUST ME. Before you go off on Emma and be like "oh what a bitch" just remember all of her issues that she had to deal with.
There will be a sequel and it is solely from Jack's point of view. It will be fast forward in the future a little bit. I'm already starting on it but I need you all to be patient. If you hate me, I'm sorry but I had no where else to go with this story. It was becoming a bit of a dead end. Thank you all for reading!