Alex POV

“Who was that?” Lisa asked as we walked into the small house that is ours.

“Miranda Catherine.” I spoke with more confidence than necessary.

“What’s her last name?”

“Didn’t ask.” I set the bag of groceries on the counter before hopping up there myself and staring at Lisa.

“So, you were going to invite a girl, hooked on oxygen may I add, and not even bother to ask for her last name?” she snorted at me and I glared at her.

“I didn’t tell her mine. What if she was a fan and I said, my name is Alex Gaskarth?” she snorted again.

“Babe, half your fans know your full name. I’m pretty sure if she was a fan, she would’ve squealed at Alexander William.” She opens a bag of chips and takes a handful, but throwing one at me. “She’s hooked on oxygen, doesn’t this remind you of that book-Fault In Our Stars? She’s gonna die.” For some reason, that burned. In a fiery rage and in a sad downpour because she was right-sort of. She is going to die. May be today, tomorrow, next week, next year, but in the end, she is going to die before her time is up.

The short boy cut, gauge, pale looking Miranda Catherine will be no more, and for some odd reason that has my heart drawn to her, it burns.

But if this is anything like Fault In Our Stars, then the boy falls for the girl, right?

In this case, me.

I want to be the Augustus Waters to her Hazel Grace.

---

“Hey, Mary-”

“Miranda,” I’ve said for about the millionth time. We went to see Divergent since Cass admires Shayley Woodly’s hair so much, even though the whole movie, she was too busy giving me tips on how to fashion my clothes to go with my hair. I think I’ve won her over and I feel guilty about that.

“-and I are gonna head out. See ya later Ri and Cass.” Jack grabbed me by the arm and began towing me towards the opposite direction for my apartment. “So, when are you going to tell Alex he so has crush on the old Maria!” He yelled. “You guys are gonna get back together and it’ll be like old times. The old Alex and Maria, Rian and Cass, and of course Zack and I being the attractive single ones in-” I yanked my arm away from Jack.

“NO! stop, this is crazy and this is too much for me to handle.” I snap. “I was doing just fine before you all showed up!” which was a big fat lie. “you guys didn’t care about me then and don’t act you do now!” I could feel my lungs overworking with my temper because at the moment, I want to whip this oxygen tank right over Jack’s head.

“Maria you don’t under-”

“NO! YOU don’t understand! You didn’t try to understand then and you won’t now because I didn’t want to die then and I sure as hell don’t want to die now! But I am okay?” my voice quivered with the tears silently rolling down. “I’m going to die alone. But, dying alone isn’t that bad. A bit of me died when you left. I had no one left, my parents were and are in jail, I was living in a foster home and everyone hated me. a lot of me died that day. So just like senior year of high school, I’m staying out of your lives.” Jack looked so hurt. “I’m going to die and it’s not going to be any of you guys’ concern.”

Alex hates me and there’s no need for me to pretend to be someone else just so I can be closer to him. Because I’m going to die and it really hits me.

I am going to die.

Dead.

No longer living.

Deceased.

Dead.

So with one final look at the heartbroken Jack, a look that will forever be implanted into my memory, I walked away from him, the tank’s wheels making small little squeaky noises.

---

That night, I grabbed a knife stared at myself in the mirror. Although I did like the hair cut, I hate the face that went with it. If only I could cut my face off.

And I have been here before. I don't understand how I've returned. I have seen where this takes me. I didn't choose this path

And now that I’m going to die, I’m ready to be taken to a better place. Where I'm who I was born to be. This wasn't what I envisioned. I'm not who I know I'm supposed to be.

What if I just reach for the knife and put it to my-

“Hello? Marry Catherine?” I mentally cursed myself. “You shouldn’t leave your apartment door unlock, someone could come and kill you.”

“That’s the plan!” I yelled to him. How the hell did Alex find out where I live? How did he even get here? he rounded the corner and stared at me with the knife in my hand.

“Mary Catherine,” his voice faltered. “No,” he took the knife out of my hand and I glared at him, even though tears were brimming my eyes.

“Give it back,” I pleaded, reaching out for the hand holding the knife, but he took two steps away from me.

“I won’t allow you to kill yourself.” He huffed an then hurled the knife out my open window. I stared open mouthed at him. “Ooo, you play cello?” he ran over to the side of my bed where my cello and guitar laid.

I still can’t believe he threw my knife out the window.

“I had a girlfriend who used to play cello, her name was Maria.” I chocked on air and coughed a bit. “It was just like this. Anyway, Jack told me you took off in this direction. I just followed the little wet dots of water of I assumed to be your tears,” My God. Alex is still insensitive just as he was in high school. “and they led to here.” I nodded.

“What are you doing here?” I walked from my bathroom and shut the door, sitting on my bed.

“I want to talk.” He sat on the bed next to me. So much for avoiding Alex.

“About?”

“Stuff in general.” He kicked off his shoes and began swinging his feet. I took the time to admire him now that I knew it was Alex.

He was wearing those (stupid, stupid, stupid but hot on him) American flag jeans, a simple black shirt and he lost the beanie. He was still marvelous.

“What are you staring at?” Alex asked me.now that I’ve gone off to middle college in the beginning of my junior year, my time with the guys have been really strained. Now it’s one of these rare days when it’s just Alex and I.

“Oh, just my marvelous, idiotic boyfriend.” Alex pinched my cheek.

“But you still love me.” we were lying in the middle of my living room, with the window open, blowing a nice breeze. My face was buried in the crook of his neck right side up while his neck was buried in my shoulder, upside down. It was quiet. My parents were gone, doing God knows what and everyone else was at school.

“Why aren’t you in class?” he asked.

‘There is no class. Why aren’t you in class?” I pinched his cheek.

“Ow! I’m not at class because you’re not.”

“The idiotic charms that you got from your brother.” Alex chuckled, then he sighed.
“You know, I miss him. I wish I would’ve known, that something was wrong. You know?” I nodded.

“It’s okay Alex. You’re okay, we’re okay.”

I shook my head and rid my thought of the memory.

"Stuff in general like what?"

"Like, the scars on your wrist. Your thigh, the stab wound on your leg and the scars on your ankle." I gasped and covered myself.

“I was at a low point in my teenage years.” Alex chuckled. He grabbed my wrists and held them firmly in his hands.

“Everyone has their lowest point. You just can’t return to them.” Since when was Alex Mr. Smart? This is nothing like the Alex I used to know.

And I hate lying to him. I got to put an end to this. Before something gets outta hand or someone becomes to attached.

“Al-”

“We should hang out tomorrow.”

Notes