-Please read if you are struggling with self-harm, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, etc.-
If not, please read anyway, and if you know someone with these problems, don't tell them to just get better. That's like telling a deaf person to just hear.

Okay, guys, I know I haven't updated in the past couple days, and I have a shit reason, tbh. I was just really nervous about my doctor's appointment (which was yesterday) because of my scars. I couldn't get make-up in time, and I was freaking. Someone on Tumblr told me I could go into my appointment without my mom, so I did.

I needed a physical check-up, and that was horrible. My doctor is a really nice lady and she saw the scars on my shoulder. She was horrified.

I lied to her.
I told her I fell in blackberry bush while longboarding.
I feel really bad.

She probably saw the scars on my thighs too, I mean, how could she not? There are hundreds! But she didn't say anything.

Point is, I've just had a really bad couple of days, I'm sorry. After my appointment, I thought "wow, i can cut again!" I've been thinking about it for weeks. I thought I would. But on the walk home, with my little sister, I really thought about it.

I have a sister.
I have brothers.
I have a mom, a dad, and other family.
I have friends.
How would they all feel if I went too far?
How would they feel if they found me, bloody and lifeless?
They would be horrified.
Sad.
They would blame themselves.

I had stayed clean until my appointment.

Why not forever?

I'm not saying it's easy.
I'm not saying I will never relapse.
I'm saying I will try.

I have been self-harming for four years.
I have been depressed for about that long.
I have struggled with anxiety and panic attacks for 3 1/2 years.
Anorexia for 2 years.
Major self-hatred and low self-esteem my whole life.
And I've never told a thing to my parents.
I don't get meds.
It's all up to me.

I am fixing one problem at a time.
And you can too.
Take your time, breathe, and try.

I'm trying too. I am currently 120 days without harming myself. I still snap my wrists with rubber bands. I am still very reckless, in half-hope that I'll hurt myself. I still have faults. But I have not used my blades for 120 days. Over 17 weeks.

Please, if you are suffering, try. Just try. I'm not saying stop, because it's nearly impossible to stop completely. Just, try.

I love you all, and I'll try to update at least once before I leave for WARPED TOUR ON SATURDAYYYY.

Notes

Seriously, though, message me on here at anytime if you want to talk.