Stop fucking around with my emotions.

*Alex's pov*


Its weird, thinking you love someone. Or maybe loosing your love for someone, would fit my situation better.

When I had first met Lisa, I had been blown away. Instantly love struck. But, over the years, I guess I began to fall out of love with her. Its like we became different people, who began to travel very different paths. Of course, maybe it wasn't me falling out of love with Lisa; maybe it was me realising that I never truly liked women in the first place.

Sure, boobs are fun and vaginas are pretty great, but I felt no interest in girls. They didn't appeal to me. But of course, I faked. I faked feelings for many different girls. I faked attraction, and also faked interest. In truth or dare games, I'd always hope to get dared to kiss another guy, because whenever I got dared to kiss girls, I had to pretend I enjoyed it, when in reality the sticky gloss that they slicked onto their lips made me gag.

I told myself that kissing guys was better, because their lips, being slightly rough and natural, actually being able to feel their skin on yours, was a hell of a lot better than getting sticky pink shit all over your face. And it was around that time that I realised I was gay. I had planned to come out to my parents, but never actually got round to doing it. I actually managed to come out to one person, and I was a mess when I did so. The only person who had known I was gay, had been Tom.

I quickly tried to break away from that thought pattern, before I became a sobbing mess in the shower again. A thought passed through my mind and I latched onto it; how long was I clean? If the question would have been asked to, Say, Rian or Jack, they'd both proudly say seven years. But if I was asking myself, I'd not so proudly state four days. I stopped the water and climbed out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my waist. I secured it onto my hips, before sighing deeply, letting my gaze fall upon the medicine cabinet.

Before my thoughts even had time to register with the rational part of my mind, I'd pulled the cabinet open and retrieved my silver friend. Any clinging rational thoughts had now evaporated, as I pressed the razor down against my already scarred thigh. A shiver rippled down my spine at the familiar yearning, the unmistakable urge to tear my skin apart. Applying slight pressure, I pulled the blade across my flesh, shuddering slightly at the sweet, sharp sting and the edge tore through my skin.

Without even thinking about it, I pulled the blade across again and again, practically bathing in the relief this gave me. I glanced down at my thigh and smiled bleakly and what I had done.

Twenty four.


Twenty four wide, fairly deep, self inflicted gashes. Blood flowed freely out of each cut, dancing down my leg and pooling at my feet; creating a crimson puddle of my own self hatred. I looked at my abused arms and eyed the razor again, debating whether I'd be able to get away with cutting there as well. After very short deliberation, I decided against re opening wounds on my marred arms, knowing Jack discreetly - *cough* not so discreetly *cough*- monitored my arms everyday, checking to make sure that the freak of the band stayed in line.


Aaaaaand here comes the crushing guilt. I had no fucking reasons, no clear triggers as to why I relapsed today. I felt the urge, and I didn't even try to deal with it. I'm so pathetic.

“Alex, are you almost done in there? Other people wanna shower to, y'know!” Jack yelled, banging on the door, obnoxious and childish as always.

Shit. “Um, just give me a minute to um, finish up.”


I yelled back, beginning to feel the head rush from the loss of blood. I pulled the first aid box out of cabinet, trying to work quick. I grabbed a bunch of antiseptic wipes, ripping them open with my teeth and gliding them across the cuts. I bit my lip against a whimper, because fuck that burned.

“Lex...” Jack's voice took on a new, low tone. Fuck. “If you need to finish up quicker, let me help you.”

He continued, his words going straight to my cock, as I realised what he meant. What he thought I meant. Shit. Surely he was joking, right? Right. Jack wouldn't offer something like that to me, I mean, we're alone, we only joke like that when we're around other people.

“Um, no, Jack, its fine. Really, go um, go back to your bunk, I'll be done soon.” I stuttered out, becoming painfully aware of my growing erection. I heard him sigh.

“Fine.”

Now I had two tasks at hand. Get rid of any evidence that I relapsed.
Get rid of my boner; fast.




~Jack's pov~


Why the fuck did I offer to help him fucking jerk off? What the fuck? I'm such a fucking twat wow. I just couldn't help myself. Lex wasn't quiet. Every now and then you'd be able to here litter whimpers, and then suddenly loud groans from the bathroom. Okay why the fuck was I listening to my bestfriend wank? I'm sick.

Yet I found myself listening more intently, wanting to be able to hear when he got off. A few minutes later, I heard a rather loud moan, then very heavy breathing. Wow. I needed a quick distraction.
Um, I still hadn't told Alex how I felt about him. I just, didn't see any point telling while he was still attached to Lisa. And even if I never got round to telling him, I know I'd have to do something to revive our friendship, because honestly, we weren't the same as we used to be.

We weren't the same Jack and Alex that we were in highschool. We were so close back then, so connected. Aside from being pathetically in love with Alex, I just missed my bestfriend.


“Are you alright in there, Lex?” I yelled, now realising how long he'd been in the bathroom.

“Uh, yeah, I'll um, I'll be out soon Jay.” He called back, sounding tired. Ew.

“Okay, um.. I love you dude.” I shouted, wishing more than anything that he'd hear the other meaning in my simple words.
“I love you too man.” Came his weary reply.
What the fuck was I meant to do?
Alex has definitely changed, and the last time he was acting this way was a very dark time, for the both of us.
I hope Lex wasn't going through that shit again, he didn't deserve it.

What the fuck am I gonna do?

Notes

Heyyyyy
Sorry I haven't updated in such a terribly long time
I've been struggling with some personal issues and I couldn't deal with them.
but I'm getting better now, so hopefully soon there will be more regular updates.

This chapter isn't my best work ew.
Also, I'm really sorry If I triggered anyone, but this is kind of going to be a graffic fic
anyway

sorry
um


Comments are much appriciated.


-Kelly:)