Worse Than Nicotine

Holly felt as if she was losing her sanity.

It had a month. One long fucking month. It felt more like a year to the teenager, but I guess the days pass longer when you’re not with the one you love.

She tried to mask her pain by regularly always going to shows at City Point and hanging with Hayley. But, as usual, half the time Hayley was with Chad and Holly was that one teenager on the swings at the local park with a cigarette in her hand.

Oh, she had also started smoking more than ever now. When she was with Alex, she never felt the need to. She felt that she didn’t need to breathe in her addiction anymore. Her addiction had been Alex, and that was the only thing she wanted to breathe. The only time she ever saw him was in class, and it pained her to even look at him, so she just didn’t. Since their separation, she had chosen favorites, saying nicotine was the only addiction she had that would never leave her.

Things with Brendon still weren’t good. She tried sometimes to reconnect by asking him questions in class, but the boy would only glare and go back to talking to the guy who sat in front of him. After a while, she just stopped trying. She had finally realized that if and when Brendon wanted to forgive her, he would do it on his own time. And she was finally okay with that.

---

She had called Hayley early that afternoon to see what her plans were while smoking from a new Marlboro, and, of course, Hayley had a picnic date with Chad. With a sigh, Holly made her way into town, trying to entertain herself somehow. She walked around random stores, wondering if any appealed to her and failed at that. After going through all of them, she decided on just grabbing a coffee at the shop in the center of town.

Coffee doesn’t exactly solve problems, but it could solve them temporarily.

She walked in and saw the place was not very full, to her liking. She went up to the cashier and ordered her regular French vanilla coffee with a splash of milk, and it was ready in a moment. That’s what she loved about this particular place; they were always so timely.

She took a seat at one of the tables, taking a sip of her coffee and sighing. God dammit, she missed her life. But she also missed Alex. A lot. Why did this all have to happen to her?

Her eyes roamed the coffee shop and she almost choked on her drink when they rested on a particular couple.

Brendon and Jasey.

Were they really everywhere she went? She started to grind her teeth, because god, did she hate them. Would she get arrested for “accidentally” spilling all of her coffee over them? She decided that―sadly―that was a maybe. The real question was: were they following her? They were everywhere, even in her dreams that she was haunted by every night because of her guilt.

But she also realized, the sight of Brendon and Jasey enjoying their coffees and holding hands and giggling, almost made her feel a little happy inside. It reminded Holly of herself and Alex, and she started missing the older man more than ever. She really couldn’t take this separation any longer at that moment. This caused her to suck down the rest of her coffee, stand up, and walk out of the shop.

---

Holly sprinted as fast as her legs could go to her music teacher’s apartment. Her legs burned from exhaustion, but she didn’t care. She needed to get there, and fast. She couldn’t take the loneliness and sadness anymore. Alex had indeed changed her life, but when he was actually in her life, she knew it was for the better.

She finally arrived the grungy apartment building, seeing the vines that she had spied months ago when she had driven him home were now longer with flowers sprouting from their buds. These were the things people should appreciate in life: the sight of ever growing flowers and them blooming for the weather before your eyes.

She ran into the entrance, wondering how she could exactly get in. She saw a list by the doorframe of which apartment goes to who, and she spied the name “Gaskarth” by apartment 102. She was about to ring the buzzer by his name, but just decided to try the door first and surprisingly, it was open. I guess I should’ve expected that from this dirty old building, she thought.

Because the place was just in the 100s, Holly predicted he was on the first floor. She walked through the numerous halls until she finally got to the 100s and saw the famous 102 apartment. She stood in front of the door, debating her options. This was so stupid; she was just acting on an impulse. She had a habit of doing that and needed to stop, but she needed to do this. Even if he told her to still go away and never come back, she needed to do this for her sanity.

She lifted her hand and, after hesitating, knocked it against the wooden door. She heard a rough voice call inside, “Coming!” I can leave right now and none of this will happen, she thought suddenly as the door opened. Shit.

Alex ran a hand over his eyes and rubbed them lazily, and from the way his hair stood up, she guessed he had been sleeping this whole Saturday. His dark brown orbs finally rested on her green ones, and they widened.

“H―Holly?” He stammered, not believing the sight of the familiar blonde he loved. “What are you doing here?”

“Can we―uh―” She looked down, playing with her hands. “Can we talk?”

He bit down on his lip. “I don’t think that’s―”

“Alex,” she frowned, and he knew that was enough. He moved out of the way and gestured for her to enter.

She stepped inside, moving ever so slowly to take in the scene before her. His apartment was small, with just a tiny kitchen and bathroom, a living room which consisted of an old and big TV set with a ratty old couch, and a small bedroom with a full size bed in the middle of it. Holy shit, she mused in her head. She finally realized he was probably in back of her and waiting for her to talk, so she spun around.

“Do you need something important?” He questioned, confusion still racking his brain as he ruffled the hair on his head.

“Yeah,” she replied, taking a step closer. “I … I need you, Alex.”

He swallowed the lump in his throat. “Holly, we―”

“I don’t care anymore, okay?” She interrupted, throwing her hands in the air. “I miss you. I miss you so fucking much, Alex. My only friend lately has been cigarettes, because everyone has left me since my life turned upside down. But I don’t care anymore. I need you in my life or my life will be just …” She looked away and bit down on her nail. “It will just this big ball of never-ending suck.”

His hand lifted to caress her cheek as he murmured, “Holly …”

“You know what? It’s okay if you still don’t want me anymore. I just needed to get that out.” She bit back the tears forming in her eyes. “I guess I’ll just see you in―”

In that second, his lips crashed onto hers. His hand stayed where it was, cupping her jaw and brushing his thumb over her soft skin. His other hand gripped her left hip roughly, trying to make their contact grow more. His teeth bit on her lip, and that’s when she knew he felt the same. She didn’t quite realize it, what with the show she was including herself in at the moment, but as his tongue collided with hers, he picked her up so she could wrap her long legs around his torso and started to move their bodies towards his tiny bedroom.

He wanted her, and he would always have her.

Notes

Chapter title inspiration from All Time Low's amazing song, Walls :3
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