Deer In The Headlights

Jack's p.o.v.

"He can't. He can't be gone. I need him." I whispered to no one in particular. The room was white. I was sat in an luminous white room. There was nothing here but white walls. They were shiny and they glowed. I was sat on my knees on the floor, my hands tucked into my hair as I pulled on the strands.

"He can't be gone. Not again." I cried, my fingers leaving my hair, wrapping around my ribs. I cuddled myself, tears slipping down my cheeks.

"I made him leave. I promised I wouldn't see him again, and now he's gone." I let tears slip down my cheek. The question was though, did he leave me or did I leave him? I'm stuck in a white, bright room, all by myself, sobbing harshly. Am I dead? I must be dead. This must be what death is. This must be what happens when you're dead. I don't wanna be dead. I want Alex.

"Alex, where a-are you? Come back, I'm sorry." I croaked, hugging myself tighter, closing my eyes tightly in attempt to stop the sour tears.

"Jack?"

My eyes opened in shock. That voice, I know it. I gasped, looking behind me.

"Alex I- Alex?" I looked around. He wasn't here. Nobody was here but the walls and me. What the hell? I looked around more, still not seeing any other living being. I frowned down at the floor,sniffing.

"Jaaaack."

I heard it again. I snapped my head up, this time standing up.

"A-Alex, where are you?" I asked, looking up at the white wall.

"Jack, I'm sorry I didn't get to you sooner." Alex spoke. Confusion welled over me.

"Alex? What are you on about? Where are you?" I asked, looking back around the room. I just want him back. My nose tickled as I suddenly smelt a strange smell that seemed like medicine.

"Jaaackk." Alex dragged my name out in a whine.

"Don't worry, he'll be up in no time." Alex's voice got more manly. What? That wasn't Alex.

"Go away! Bring Alex back! Bring him back!" I cried, tears flowing down my cheeks again.

Suddenly the walls were becoming less gloomily. I looked down, watching the ground go blue beneath me. My body clasped and I fell to the floor.

"What the fuck?" I screamed. I wasn't controlling my body as it turned me onto my back, my arms placed either side of me.

"He's waking." Someone said. The hard floor suddenly became a little softer. I looked up, seeing a knife. It was shaking as it hang from the ceiling. I gasped, trying to move my body, but I couldn't. The knife kept shaking, reading to fall. I felt like something was holding me down, preventing me from moving.

"Let-let go!" I squirmed. That made the room shake a hundred times worse. I looked up seeing the knife detach from the ceiling and fall, piercing straight into my heart.

My eyes shot open, I gasped as the air hit my lungs. I looked around, seeing the white walls, but with no shine or gloom. What I did see though was my mum in a chair, a doctor and Alex standing beside me. I was on a bed. Wait, Alex?!

"Morning, Jack, how're you feeling?" The doctor asked, a fake smile on his lips. I wanted to speak, but I didn't know if I could. I didn't know if I even wanted to. So, instead, I just nodded simply. Though, I wasn't okay. I just woke up from a nightmare, my arm hurts so much and I feel dizzy. Also, I'm concerned about Alex being here with my mum just sat behind him. I can remember everything so clearly. The argument my mum had with me, calling me names and basically half telling me to kill myself, so that's what I intended to do, until somebody had to fucking find me. Why do I fail at every damn thing? I fail exams, I fail at killing myself, what else will I fail at? Why can't I just do something right for once.

I watched as the doctor whispered something into Alex's ear and he went over to my mum to do the same. I noticed that both Alex and my mum had tears. Why would they care? Do they even care? Are they crying because I survived? They didn't want me to, I can tell. The doctor looked at me, giving me that one last obvious fake smile before leaving the room. It fell into a silence, apart from the sniffles and my heart monitor. The heart monitor shouldn't even be beeping, it should be silent. I shouldn't even be here right now.

"H-Hey Jack." I heard Alex sadly smile, grabbing a chair and pulling it to the side of my bed. Then, my mum just got up, sobbing and crying, running out the room. That's when I fully set into everything.

"Alex! Wh-what are you doing here?" I gasped, trying to move away, but I couldn't because of the pain. Alex looked at me, worried.

"I called you. You were crying and also in pain. You-you said you were bleeding badly, so my first thought was 'Jack needs help, and fast', so I ended up at your house, your mum yelling at me. I ignored her, running to your room, and you were on the bed, bleeding o-out." Alex's voice lowered at the end. That still didn't change the fact he was here.

"Alex...Alex, you shouldn't be here." I said sadly, feeling my own tears hit the back of my eyes. Alex looked up at me.

"W-what?" He asked, his voice shaking.

"My mum found out about us. She threatened to call the police, but I stopped her. I made a promise," I said, the emotion now drained out my face. Before Alex could say anything else, I continued.

"I made a promise that I would never see you again." I sighed sadly, watching Alex's expressions. He looked like a kicked puppy. He looked like all his previous emotions were swipe out .

"I'm really sorry, I know it was stupid, but there was nothing else that I could do. I didn't want you to get locked up. I care for you, Alex. I love you and I don't want you in jail." I whispered, my eyes becoming watery. Alex's expressions turned to what looked like anger.

"And did you tell her that you love me?" Alex asked, trying to calm his own voice.

"Of course I did! But she wouldn't take any of it. She said it was disgusting." I half yelled back.

"So, if I didn't call you last night, and you didn't tell me you was bleeding out, and if I didn't come rushing to your house to find you and for your mum to call an ambulance, I wouldn't of known?! You would've just left me wondering why the fuck you decided to drop out of therapy for no reason at all? You wouldn't of told me, would you? You'd ignore me, abandon me." Alex yelled, wiping his tears and chuckling bitterly. I opened my mouth to yet close it. I'm such a fuck up. Why did life have to be so shit?

"And you would've been dead if I didn't call you and if you didn't answer. Dead, Jack. How shit do you think I feel about that? Did you even think about what you were doing?!" He shouted, but it wasn't too loud, his voice was just thick with anger. I flinched slightly, not liking to hear Alex's angry voice. I was surprised the doctors didn't hear him.

"I-I'm sorry, okay?!" I cried out, ducking my head, looking anywhere but Alex's furious looking face. He doesn't say anything. I don't say anything. I sat there, using my un-casted arm to wipe away the tears. I gasped when I felt arms around me. When I realised it was just Alex, I wrapped my un-casted arm around his back.

"You're a dumbass, " Alex whispered softly. He nozzled his head into my neck, making me smile the slightest.



"I know."

"I'm sorry for shouting at you." Alex whispered softly, making my heart melt. "No, I'm sorry. If I just told Rian about us instead of shouting, my mum would've have known." I admitted. It was true though. Why didn't I do as Rian asked and told him, not shout? I don't think I can fuck anything else up, I've seemed to fuck up everything there is. I sighed sadly, enjoying Alex's warm embrace that was much warmer than the hospital bed blanket, or maybe that's just me.

"You told Rian?" Alex asked, no sign of anger, just calm and relaxed through his voice. I nodded.

"He wanted to know why I was b-blushing so much. I told him it was nothing. He soon got it out of me though, and he shocked me when he just said 'okay'." I said, remembering yesterday.

Just then, a knock on the door broke the boys. Alex looked at me for a split second, before shouting a 'come in' like he would do at therapy. I smiled at him. He's still here. He hasn't abandoned me, but I was starting to abandon him. I looked over to the door to see my mum stood there, her eyes all puffy and red.

"C-Can I speak to my son, please?" She asked weakly. Alex nodded straight away.

"Of course you can. I need to get something anyway." He smiled, looking over to me. I had no idea what he was on about, but I smiled back. He then left, leaving the room to just me and my mum.

"Look, Jack, I'm sorr-"

"No you're not." I interjected before she could finish the word that she didn't mean. She has said sorry far too many times, hurting me again and again after.

"Jack, I really am sorry. I didn't mean the words I said to you." She cried, wiping her tears with shaky hands as she sat at the seat Alex had pulled out.

"Prove it." I shrugged. She looked up to me.

"How?" She asks, continuing to wipe the tears. I think for a moment before I get the clear answer to that question.

"You'll let me have Alex back." I stated. That's all she had to do to make it up to me, though I'd never see her the same again. Not after she told me to 'fuck up my arms' .

"Jack, I don't think that's a goo-"

"You'd do it if you were truly sorry. You'd do that to make your son happy. Can't you see that Alex makes me happy? I've been actually smiling, mum. Isn't that an improvement? It is for me." And it's true. If my mum truly cared and was sorry and loved me, she could see how much happy Alex makes me, but I don't think she does.

"Are you sure? That- that he makes you happy?" She asked, taking a breath. Was she blind? Even I could see how happy I was.

"Of course I am, mum! The happiest I've been in a while!" I say, making it sound so obvious. It was obvious, though. How see couldn't see it, I'll never know.

"O-Okay." She says quietly. I frown at her. Just a okay? Nothing else?

"Okay?" I asked. She bit her lip, looking like she was thinking about something. I stared at her, letting her think. She turned her head up, looking at me straight in the eye.

"You can talk to Alex, I won't call the cops. I can see that you truly love him, it's in your eyes. I'm sorry I was such a cow to you yesterday. I was...I was so scared." She sighed. I gasped, mouth open.

"Really?" I asked, excitement and happiness going through me. She nodded, her frown turning into smile.

"Thank you so much, I...I really... Uh, thank you." I frowned a little. I was about to say I love my mum. Yes, I love her, despite what she did to me, but not as much. Plus, I haven't told her I love her in years. Maybe I should? Yeah, that's why she's probably been feeling down.

"Hey, mum?" I called her attention.

"Yeah?"

I took a deep breath, because I never though it was going to be this difficult. I shouldn't have to find it difficult to tell my mum that I love her. I smiled nevertheless.

"I love you." I grinned. The smile on her face widened. Just then, an Alex walked into the room, a Starbucks cup in his hand.

"Well hello, Alex." My mum smiled at him. She did not just do that. She wouldn't let me talk to him, but...never mind, I'm happy. Hopefully things will start to get better. I hope so anyway.

Notes

Jack is alive ;)) I kinda liked how this chapter went, but hated it at the same time. .-. Ey hope you enjoyed reading. :D I have a feeling this story witll be a long one (>:) )