I wasn’t always this way, you know. I wasn’t always the girl who stayed in on Friday nights listening to that loud screaming music, writing her heart out. Bottom line is, I wasn’t always Hannah Kirk. I used to be happy and bubbly. I used to go over friends houses every weekend, but all of that changed in seventh grade. You know, when Jessie killed the bird. I figure I should tell you about before that happened. I know this part might make sense of that October night, but when I tell you this, you need to promise me your thoughts about me won’t change, okay? Can you do that for me, Lex? Please.

I sat in my room, looking at myself in the mirror, trying to remember a time when I felt okay in my skin. My brown hair, the dark hazel eyes. God, I hated it. I hated everything about me. The roll of fat that just wouldn’t go away, that one strand of fuzzy hair that never stayed still. I disgusted myself. I scoffed at the girl looking back to me and turned away, feeling nothing but disgust for her--for me. I tried to focus on my Science homework, but my reflection kept distracting me.

I looked over at the mirror once more, sitting so still I couldn’t even tell if I was breathing. I abruptly raised my fist and shattered the girl in the mirror’s face into a thousand shards. My knuckles felt like they were on fire and blood dripped onto my carpet, but finally the monster looking back at me was gone. My chest heaved and I was so numb, I didn’t even notice the tears running down my face. I pulled my knees up to my chest and began rocking back and forth in the fetal position, my sobs so heavy I began hyperventilating. I let out a scream and my bedroom door busted open, but I didn’t bother looking back to see who it was. The person ran over to me and wrapped their arms around me. I didn’t notice it was Sam until I looked up and saw her scared hazel eyes, so much like my own, looking back at me. I let my head fall to her chest. “I know, I know,” She whispered, stroking my hair. “Oh, god, Han, I know.”

Well, there you have it, Alex. Now you know. And, dear god, am I so sorry to say that that wasn’t the end of me becoming who I am. In fact, it was just the beginning.

The next day, Jessie and I sat on my bed, facing each other. We didn’t say anything, just looked at each other and I realized just how beautiful my best friend really was. Inside and out. “I’m scared, Jess,” I muttered. Her hand found mine and I felt terror well up inside of my chest at how comforting just knowing she was there was. It’s stupid, really; how I’m so scared of someone making me feel alright. I figure that everybody will leave you one day, so what’s the point of getting so attached to somebody who will only leave you in the end? But, I realized I had become attached to Jessie long before then.

“I know,” She replied.

“Have they been bothering you again?” I asked recalling the voices Jessie said wouldn’t leave her alone. Jessie nodded and I frowned.

“You think I’m crazy, don’t you?” She asked, looking down.

“Nope,” I replied honestly. “But, I think you’ve been going through a lot, and this is your mind’s way of coping.” Jessie’s head snapped up and she glared at me.

“You do think I’m insane!” She yelled, jumping off of my bed. I stood up abruptly.

“No, Jessie, I didn’t say-” I started to say, but she interrupted me.

“You didn’t have to say it.”

I crossed my arms, looking at her stormy eyes. I think you know, Alex, that Jess didn’t exactly have an easy life. After all, I think she hated herself more than I did. I think it’s funny, Alex, how someone so amazing could hate themselves.

Jessie told me--a few days before then--that she heard voices. She said the voices told her how everybody deserved to die. That society was disgusting and full of nothing but hate. They told her they didn’t deserve life. Well, I didn’t exactly disagree. I hated everyone too, but I didn’t think they deserved to die. Because of this, I wasn’t able to worry about it. Besides, Jessie was strong. She wouldn’t let them win.

I find that I used to think that hilarious now. Don’t you, Alex?

Notes

Mer, I'll update a real chapter after this c: