A Daydream Away

Alex’s POV

My brain was screaming for me to get the hell away from here. My heart was telling me that everything he was saying was a lie. I looked over a Jack, who’s eyes were frantically moving, quickly passing over ghosts that I’d never be able to see.
Could this be why I’d felt like something was off since we started dating? Was it because he was hiding his past from me this entire time?
“Why would he beat up someone who was gay? He told me he kissed a guy when he was in 8th grade. He wouldn’t of beaten up a gay kid if he knew he was gay too.” I sputtered, trying to find some way to prove Jack’s innocence.
“Who do you think he kissed? That was the only other gay dude in his school.” Max muttered, looking under his nails for dirt. “The guy told, and Jack didn’t want anyone else to know. He hated what he was. He still does. Can’t you see it in his eyes when he looks at you? He’s so mad at himself for loving you.” Max grinned, throwing a sideways glance in Jack’s direction.
His eyes were closed now, tears spilling out of them quickly.
“Is that true, Jack?” I whispered, not taking my eyes off of him.
He was entirely still for a moment, not even breathing. Then finally, a tiny nod.
I sat there for moment in utter shock. He hated himself for loving me? I thought he was proud. I was so, so sure he was proud.
“Okay” I whispered, my voice filled with tears.
I made myself stand up, my legs shook under the weight of my utter loss of words and confusion. I used my hand to wipe away the tears that had formed in my eyes, and cast one finally look at Jack, who was curled up under the ground, the weight of his past resting on top of him like a thick blanket.
I didn’t give Max the satisfaction of a speech to Jack. I couldn’t talk anyway. There wasn’t anything to say.
So I left, my shoes making a loud, echoing noise on the hard floor. The door creaked as I opened it, and made a loud noise when it finally slammed shut. Max had driven me here, so I didn’t have a ride home. I was left to walk.
The air was thick and the stars were still twinkling on, like my world hadn’t come crashing down. I stuck my hands in my pockets and tried to push my thoughts away so they wouldn’t consume me and leave me to have a panic attack in the middle of the street.
I wondered how we would be tomorrow… I wondered how I would be tomorrow. What would happen if I made him angry one day? Would I end up like one of those kids? Worried about dying every time I made eye contact with someone who appeared harmless? How I could I live with him knowing I could possibly be hurt by him?
I shook my head. Jack wouldn’t hurt me. He’d changed, right? He’d never gotten into fights at school before. He was okay now.
‘He did threaten to kill Max, who used to be his best friend.’
I picked up my pace, trying to run from the thoughts bubbling in my head. I could feel my heart beat pick up and could tell I was on the verge of losing it.
“Alex!” A voice shouted from behind me.
I spun around, squinting at the silhouette in the dark. I knew who it was right away, but this time, his presence didn’t put a smile on my face.
“I’m sorry!” he yelled. I could hear it in his voice that he was crying, but my heart didn’t sink at his sorrow.
I opened my mouth to respond, to tell him that it was okay and that I wasn’t upset. I was going to say that we were okay and that I knew he’d changed and that I wasn’t scared of him and that I still wanted to be with him.
Instead, I closed my mouth and slowly turned myself back around, feeling the warm tears that I’d been keeping inside spill out.
I was a lot of things, but a liar wasn’t one of them. Telling him all of those things would have been lying, and that didn’t sit right with me.
So I wandered home in the dark, letting Max’s words sink into my skin like a new tattoo. I knew now that all of them were true. Jack wouldn’t have apologized if they weren’t.
It wasn’t angry with him. I couldn’t be mad at him for his past. But for the first time, I couldn’t see him in my future.
My phone dinged every couple of minutes, countless texts from Jack making their way on to my screen. After a while, I just turned it off. Nothing he could say would change how scared I was at this moment.
What the hell was I going to do?

Notes