A Daydream Away

Jack’s POV

So maybe skipping history wasn’t the most mature decision I could have made, but to my defense, I’d felt like absolute scum for the past 24 hours and seeing the person who probably wanted to skin me alive wasn’t going to help.
So I drove to Cavanaugh Park and sat under Alex’s tree. It was the last place I’d actually felt something other than hatred for myself, and the emotion still seemed to be hanging around the air. Sometimes, I swear I could still feel his lips pressed to mine, and remember the joy I felt when he had kissed me back. He let me stay there, connected to him for a few precious moments before he pulled himself away, and my whole world came shattering down.
I shuddered, the end of the memory coming too quickly. When I remembered it, the kiss felt so short, so abrupt… but when it happened, it lasted longer than a thousand lifetimes.
I sat there in silence, wishing that Alex would just show up. Right now, he was probably thanking god that he didn’t have to sit next to me in history. I wouldn’t blame him.
I checked my phone, realizing that if I left now I’d make it in time for lunch. I could skip that too, but I didn’t have any money to buy something outside of school. My mom paid for my lunch via some system the school had set up. I wasn’t going to miss free food.
I drove back to the school, listening to a sad playlist I had made just for this feeling in my chest. I wondered if Alex did the same thing when he was alone or if he missed me as much as I missed him. Could he possibly still have feelings for me after all the shit I’d put him through? Probably not.
The first person I saw when I walked through the front doors was Max, which sent me into a silent rage. He was definitely the last person I wanted to see.
“Hey, Barakat!” Max shouted from the end of the hallway. He’d probably skipped class too, but chose to stay at the school instead of leaving. He probably hid in the bathroom, smoking weed with all the other guys in our group.
“Hey” I replied, trying to make myself sound as pleasant as possible. Max didn’t know I wanted to stab him, and I should keep it that way.
“Not thinking about Gaskarth, are you? You know he’s just a fag who’s better off without you.” Max smirked as we sat at our table.
Rage built up inside me, but I did my best to suppress it. I could not get on his bad side. I didn’t want Alex to hate me even more.
Speaking of Alex, he had walked into the lunchroom without Rian by his side, which was odd. I watched him out of the corner of my eyes, making sure not to turn my head in his direction.
He seemed to be scanning the crowd for someone, maybe Rian or Zack. Finally, his eyes swept across my body… and then stopped. It was only for a split second though, and then he was walking towards his usual table.
I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding and finally turned to face Max, who was blabbing on about the Ravens or something.
The rest of my friends were completely absorbed in the conversation, never taking their eyes off of him. Even the girls were paying attention, and they didn’t even like football. It was only because they wanted to sleep with him… again.
“Amy” I said, turning my attention to the brunette to my right “how’s your little brother doing?”
Her little brother had recently broken his arm during a t-ball game. He fell and landed on his arm the wrong way while he was running to second base and I was the one to carry him off the field and help him into the ambulance.
“What?” she said, never talking her eyes off of Max.
“Your brother” I repeated “how is he doing?” I spoke slowly, so maybe she’d listen.
Finally, her head snapped away from Max and her gaze met mine. “Don’t talk to me like I’m stupid, Barakat. I’m not-”
“Please, call me Jack. I’m not my last name.” I sighed out. I just wanted an answer, not an argument. But it seemed like arguing was the only thing going on in my life recently.
“She calls you Barakat because I call you Barakat.” Max said snidely. I wanted nothing more than to punch him in the face.
“Well, it’s fucking annoying.” I said, whipping my head around to face him.
Max clicked his tongue at me, a gesture he did when people got on his nerves.
“Careful, Barakat” he emphasized his use of my last name, just to tick me off “we wouldn’t want to get on my bad side, would we? I’m sure the school would love to know more about you, wouldn’t they?”
He didn’t bring up Alex around our other friends, even though I knew he wanted to. Taunting me with my other secrets was enough.
Actually, no. It wasn’t anymore. I didn’t fucking care. I was done with this.
“Shut the hell up, Max.” I snarled, never taking my eyes off of him.
“Shh, I might slip up and say something you’d hate having others hear.”
My voice started in a whisper. “I said”
I stood, kicking the closest empty chair over, sending it skidding a few feet from our table.
The whole lunch room fell into a hush. People had their forks paused halfway up to their mouths, and most heads had snapped to face me.
“I said shut the fuck up! You don’t know anything!” I screeched, venom dripping out of my voice like it dripped out of a snakes fangs.

‘Alex’ was my next thought ‘he’s going to tell Alex.’
I could tell by the pleased look on his face that I had only set off a bomb, but this battle was still being fought.
I turned my head slowly, panic setting deep into my eyes. I searched for the boy in my minds’ eye, hoping he hadn’t left the lunch room early for any reason.
Finally, my eyes settled on his, and my panicked heart was stripped clean with a new feeling.
I always forgot how completely in love with him I was until I met his eyes. Maybe just this once, he could see it. I hoped he could.
We stayed like that for seconds, minutes, days, god knows how long, before I tore my eyes away.
Max knew I’d lose it, but he didn’t expect my next move.
I turned, stepping up onto the chair I was previously sitting in, and then stepping up onto the table.
I face the entire lunch room and their shocked expressions, willing myself to continue. I had to do this. I was sick and tired of being the scared boy who’d made Alex leave. The boy who’d hid in his room when his parents fought. The boy who skipped his favorite class because I couldn’t face my own guilt. The boy who never stuck up for himself and made jokes to hide his true self. I was so tired.
“Hey!” I shouted. The whole lunch room was staring back at me. Every single junior who had shown up that day was looking at me, but there was only one person I saw.
“I have a confession to make.” I started. No turning back now.
“My name is Jack. You may know me as Barakat, or ‘that kid who interrupts and annoys his teachers’ or ‘the class clown’, but I just want to be Jack. You might also know me as ‘that guy who sleeps around with a ton of girls from different schools’ or ‘that manwhore’… but the truth is-”
My eyes focused on Alex, who was watching me with wide eyes, his mouth slightly open in shock, and his face almost completely pale. He knew what I was going to do, and he couldn’t believe it.
“-the truth is” I repeated, shutting my eyes and taking a deep breath.
‘Don’t be scared’ I heard Alex’s voice in my head. Just like he had said when I almost backed out of cliff jumping into a lake, or when I was worried that my parents were going to yell at me for not cleaning my room.
‘It’s going to be okay.’ His smiling face said.
I jumped off that cliff. I faced my parents.
I opened my eyes.
“I’m gay, and I’m in love with Alex Gaskarth.”

Notes