A Daydream Away

Jack’s POV

I sat in my room, staring at the ceiling. Alex was in the bathroom, and I was wondering how to respond to the text Max just sent me.
‘Got rid of the fag yet?’
What was I willing to risk? My friends, my popularity, my chance at not being picked at and spat on for the rest of high school, or Alex? Even if I did refuse to throw him away, I’d probably lose him in the long run because of my past.
‘Hey, he’s just a confused idiot, no need to be that mean. I’ve realized how stupid I was being, thinking I had feelings for him. Haha, I’ll get rid of him soon. Just don’t mess with him anymore, alright. It’s not like he did anything wrong.’
I hovered over the send button. I knew this text would save Alex from any further harm, but I’d also lose him for good. Which was more important to me? His safety, or my love for him?
I shook my head. I was being selfish, Alex should be safe, no matter what the cost.
I pressed the send button just as Alex walked back into the room, a huge grin spread on his perfect face.
“What’s got you so happy?” I asked, his smile making my lips turn up at the corners.
“Rian just scored four tickets to a Blink concert. That’s one for him, Zack, me, and…” his grin widened “…and you.”
I sat there, my heart dropping, but I managed to keep a huge smile on my face.
“That’s awesome, dude!” I said, my voice filled with fake happiness. Going to a concert with Alex was a dream come true, even if his friends would be there too. But that wasn’t going to be possible.
I felt my phone vibrate and checked it. It was Max.
‘Whoa, dude. Are you getting soft on me? Haha whatever. I won’t mess with the kid anymore. Just get rid of the faggot already.’
I sighed, my heart pounding. Alex, who knew me better than anyone else, picked up on my feelings immediately.
“Jack… Jack is something wrong? You don’t seem that excited about the concert. I thought it would be fun.”
This had to be the moment. I had to do it right now.
I looked into the younger boys caring, gentle brown eyes, wishing I could just fall into them.
My head was spinning.
‘I can’t lose him.’
‘I have to protect him.’
‘He’s better off without me.’
‘Max is going to kill me.’
“I mean, if you don’t want to go that’s fine I can just ask someone else-”
“Will you just shut the FUCK up?!” I snapped. I was hyperventilating at this point, so angry at myself and at everyone else. In fact, the only person I wasn’t angry at was the boy I was taking my anger out on right now.
“You just talk all the damn time! You never ever stop talking! About me, about you, about fucking him! You don’t care about how I feel!” I spat out, yelling. I was yelling so loud. Not at Alex, but at Max.
And then at myself.
“You can’t fucking act like this! You can’t be like this! No one likes you! No one cares. No one. Why the hell are you like this dude? Why?!”
And then at the world.
“You are so damn fucked up! You are such an asshole. Why can’t you just let me be and stop messing the fuck around with every good thing that happens? Fuck you! Just fuck you!”
I heard Alex suck in a deep breath, which quivered slightly. I could tell he was crying, and I was trying, trying so hard to tell him I wasn’t talking about him. I was trying to tell him I loved him and that it was my friends and myself and the world that was fucked up, and that he was the only beautiful thing left. I was trying to tell him that I’d give anything to hold him in my arms and kiss him gently on the lips and tell him everything would be alright.
But instead, my mouth opened up and
“Alex. I can’t- we can’t keep doing this. We live in two separate worlds. My friends will never accept you. Ever.”
‘Truth.’
“They make fun of you on a daily basis and you know what, I laugh along with them.”
‘False.’
“I never think about how you feel.”
‘False.’
“This friendship we have… no way we will ever be more than acquaintances.”
‘I want us to be so much more than that.’
“Give it up Alex. Just give it the fuck up.”
‘Please don’t leave me. I need you.’

I sucked in a deep breath, not daring to look in the direction of the lighter haired boy. I held back the tears that were trying to fight their way through my eyes, and hoped to god he believed the lies spewing through my lips. I had to keep reminding myself that his was for his own safety.
I saw his feet take one cautious, shaking step back. He almost tripped over his own foot, and I had to fight back a smile.
‘God, he’s so fucking perfect.’ I thought to myself.
He never argued. Never shouted or pleaded. He never sobbed, holding on to me for dear life. He never screamed at me, calling me worthless or a dick.
He just walked away.
I think that was the worst part of everything that happened in those quick 5 minutes. His silence. If he would’ve just said one thing, I could have made myself feel better by throwing out excuses. I could have reassured myself that this was the only good solution. But no, he turned and walked away without a sound at all, other than the squeaking of the shoes he’d borrowed from me when we went hiking together once. I cringed at the memory.
That was the first time I realized I was in love with him.
I finally lifted my head. My heart shattered at the sight of his back towards me. It ripped to tiny shreds as I took in his staggered walking. It was like he had nowhere to go. It was like it didn’t matter where he was anymore.
He was a heartbreak on legs, that Alex Gaskarth.
But it was all my fault.

Notes