Who Said It Was Gonna Be Easy?

"I-uhh-um-I-you like stir fry, right?" I stuttered and went red. He nodded and smiled nervously at me.

"kind of..." he added as he looked down, blood rising to his cheeks. I felt a surge of pity for him. Having to remind your teacher who's brought you home, let you shower and leant you some clothes that you're bulimic must be hard and quite embarrassing. I smiled understandingly at him.

"do you want a drink? Like a coffee or something?"

"um..ok..sure, thanks"

"help yourself. There are some mugs in that cupboard" I gestured to the mug cupboard as I stirred some spices into the frying vegetables. Alex put the kettle on then got two mugs out and stood watching me cook.

"thank you for the..uhh..clothes by the way..and the shower"

"sure. They suit you"

"oh..uhh..thanks" he went red. I realised he probably felt extremely uncomfortable with his teacher complimenting him like that. Had I just come onto him? I hadn't meant to, had I? I decided to try and fix the situation.

"I'm sorry I didnt meant to- I didn't mean that I-you-um-I"

"s'ok" he chuckled slightly at me. I smiled at him, wondering if I'd just made a complete fool of myself. He didn't even know I was gay. I wasn't even sure if he was gay or not. Yet here he was, in my kitchen wearing my clothes as he stood and watched me cook. I couldn't help but wish it would become a more regular thing, only with my arm around his waist, him content by my side. I sighed, tearing myself away from my thoughts, knowing it would probably never happen and I should really stop tormenting myself over the chances of it. I liked him a lot already though.

"how have I never seen you before anyway?" Alex interrupted my thoughts.

"oh I'm a new teacher. I finished my teacher training a year early as well as starting it a year earlier than I should've done so" I shrugged casually.

"how did you start early?"

"well all the way through school I was in a class a year above me so I started college a year earlier than the rest of the people my age so I finished college earlier as well which meant I started my training earlier"

"so you're a smartass then basically"

"hm..some people prefer the term 'nerd' but honestly anything goes" I grinned at him as he laughed.

"so, anyway, tell me about that note today. What was that about?" I asked him randomly.

"I don't exactly get along with Rian and those other jerks, that's all" he shrugged like it didn't bother him.

"so.. they bully you?"

"no, they're just..not the nicest people to me"

"so they bully you" I repeated, this time not as a question.

"okay, yes, fine, they kinda bully me. But it's fine, I can deal with it"

"you shouldn't have to, lex" the nickname slipped out before I could stop it. I froze as I felt him stare at me as if he was waiting for me to acknowledge what I'd said. I stirred the frying vegetables without breakking my gaze. I wasn't going to apologise for what I said and I wasn't going to attempt to cover it up. I actually thought the nickname was pretty cute.

"did..did you just call me lex?"

"I may have done" I said cautiously.

"oh. Nobody's ever called me that before" he said quietly.

"do you mind?"

"what, no! No, of course not! It's kinda nice. Like having a friend"

"y'know, you seem really lonely"

"yeah, well...I've got nobody..I guess I am"

"you shouldn't have to be"

"well it's too late now. Everyone thinks I'm a freak anyway, no-one would want to be friends with me"

"I would"

"yeah but you're my teacher. It's different"

"I wish it wasn't" I sighed as I added the meat and the sauce to the pan.

"what's that supposed to mean?"

"I dunno, I guess I just really hate the way you don't have anybody. I wish I could fill that space but it's inappropriate"

"why? It's not like I'm not legal and it's not like were doing anything. Hell, isn't me being here at all inappropriate? So we're already breaking the rules"

"hmm..I guess we are" I grinned in spite of myself. I finished cooking and dished some out for us both.

"I figured you wouldn't want that much..I want to help you. I'm not sure how. But I know that I'd rather you eat a little bit than eat a lot then throw up" he just nodded and gave me a small smile. We sat down and began to eat.

"so what do you do? Like for fun or whatever"

"I play guitar a little..I'm not good at it though, I just enjoy it" he said he was bad but his eyes seemed to sparkle in a way I hadn't seen before.

"oh what do you play on it? Anything I'll have heard of?"

"stuff by bands like greenday, train and that sorta stuff...but I-um yeah"

"what were you just about to say?" I asked curiously. He gave me a pained look, his eyes begging me to forget about it.

"no, cmon, tell me!"

"fine! Ok! I'll tell you!" he sighed, ignoring my little cheer. He mumbled something as he looked down. I could tell he'd gone red.

"what?"

"I said..I write my own stuff"

"you do?!"

"it's all bad though"

"what do you write like songs or chord sequences or what?"

"entire songs. Lyrics, backing, the lot. Although I've never ever shown them to anyone"

"show me one!" I said excitedly. Alex gulped and shook his head quickly.

"no! No way! Never! No!" he stuttered.

"please! I won't judge you or anything, I promise. I bet they're really good"

"no, jack. I'm not showing you. I don't want you to ever hear any of them"

"why not?"

"because..well..they­'re not exactly..happy" he admitted quietly. He finished off his food whilst I began to speak.

"I don't care. Lex, I really want to help you. It's obvious you're suffering from depression. I'm really worried about you. I care about you. I don't want to sit back and watch you starve yourself to death and cut up your own body. I don't want you to be hurting. I don't want you to be suffering like this, especially not on your own. I really don't want to come into school one day and you not show up to my lesson, rian and the others looking stressed and a couple of the girls being all upset because you've killed yourself. I don't want that to happen" I finished my food and put my bowl on the coffee table.

"what are you asking, jack?"

"tell me how you're feeling right now. You said something in the car about why are you still here. Just..explain it or something"

"nobody wants me here. My life is pointless. I have no friends and only 1 member of family who's probably going to fucking die soon. There's nobody who cares about me. The only reason people would notice I was gone is because they wouldn't have anyone to bully anymore. It'd be so fucking easy just to pop some pills and end everything. Why haven't I just fucking done it yet?! Its what everyone wants"

"don't fucking say that. I care about you. I want you here and I want you to be happy. You haven't done it yet because you know there's something still worth living for. You can't give up on your life, okay?" he was crying now and I could tell he was trying not to break down. I put my arms around him tentatively.

"it's ok, I'm here now. I'm here for you" I murmured as I hugged him close to me. His body began to shake as he sobbed and he leaned into me. His shaking fingers clutched my top, cool against my hip. I lifted his legs up onto the sofa to make him more comfortable as he continued to cry his eyes out. He'd clearly been holding it in for so long it was breaking him from the inside out and now that he was letting it all out, the cracks were showing. I grabbed the blanket that I used as a throw on the sofa and laid it over him, tucking him in gently as he cried against my chest. My heart leapt out to the frail, broken boy that was in my arms. It wasn't fair. Alex was a really nice person, he didn't deserve any of this.

Alex cried himself to sleep as I held him against my chest protectively. I sat and thought about things, mainly Alex and what would become of us until I started to get tired. I set an alarm on my phone so I could wake us both up and take Alex home, then lay down.

Alex shifted in his sleep and put his head on my chest and curled his arm around me tighter. I smiled to myself and wrapped my arms around him. I could feel how skinny he was and it gave me chills. Why would he do this to himself? Worrying thoughts swirled around my brain as I drifted to sleep.

Notes

if you guys ever need/want to vent to someone or anything like that, you can just message me (if you want to, obviously) don't just think that I'm just a cold-hearted monster behind a screen, ok? I'm here for you if you need me :)

NEW CHAPTER ALREADY BECAUSE YOU'RE A BUNCH OF PERSUASIVE MOTHERFUCKERS


mucho love amigos