Who Said It Was Gonna Be Easy?

On the 10th night of lying in bed awake, thinking about Alex and hugging his hoodie, I got an idea. I hadn't been to his funeral as I had no way of finding out about it. Maybe it would help me if I said goodbye properly. Alex loved music and, back when I was younger, I used to play the guitar and sing. I'd posted videos on YouTube. I stopped doing that when things became more serious for me and I was too worn down with my academics. I decided to write Alex a song and make a memorial video of me singing it to him. I called work and left them a message to say I was sick and got my guitar out, despite the fact it was nearly 4am. My alarm went off a few hours later and I turned it off. I hadn't been to sleep. I'd stayed up, writing and jotting down chords. I worked through the whole day, calling for a pizza at around 2pm. At about 5pm I was done. I practiced it so many times it began to ring in my ears. At around 10 o'clock, my camera was set up and ready to go and I felt like I'd practiced it enough.

"this is a song I wrote for someone who was really important to me. Whether he didn't see just how much he meant to me or..I don't know. He's gone now and its been over a week. I seem to miss you more and more every day, baby. I wish you were still here with me. I'm so sorry I couldn't save you. This is my goodbye" I said. My voice cracked during 'goodbye' and I let a few tears slip before forcing myself to stop crying. I dried my eyes then picked up my guitar.

I got near the end before nearly stopping and giving up due to my own words tearing my heart into pieces.

"I'm bruised and scarred
Save me from this broken heart
All my love will slowly fade and fall apart
Someone please sing this lovesick melody
Call my name if you're afraid
I'm just a kiss away

So baby be honest
Is this what you wanted?
We lost what we started
And found out much more than we want to know
About how we're letting go" I sang my goodbye with as much energy as I could muster considering I'd stayed up all night ad practiced for hours. My fingers were red-raw. I hadn't played my guitar in years yet there I was, playing it continuously for hours. Alex was worth the pain. Alex was worth my everything.

I broke down in tears as soon as I'd finished, sobbing into my hands for a minute before remembering the camera was still recording. I got up to turn it off, still crying as I got my laptop out. I took the memory card out of my camera and put it in my computer. Pain shot through me as I thought about the fact that even though I owned a perfectly good camera, we hadn't taken any photos together. I had no material proof that he was mine. I brought up YouTube and logged in, my fingers flying across the keys automatically, even during my numb state. I clicked upload and found the video file I'd just uploaded to my files. I wrote a longer goodbye to Alex in the description then left it to upload as I went to bed, rang in sick again and cried myself to sleep. I had no real reason for calling in sick again, I just really couldn't face anybody so soon after saying goodbye to Alex.

I somehow managed to sleep in, something I hadn't done in ages but when I finally woke up, the first thing I did was go and check my video had uploaded properly. What I found astonished me. My video already had over 100 views and nearly 80 comments. A couple of students from school seemed to have found it and apparently shared it. I closed my computer down and went to go and get a bowl of cereal. I felt empty and numb. I couldn't cry any more. I was too exhausted. All my sleepless nights had caught up to me. It was almost as if properly saying goodbye to Alex had made it more real and sort of put things in perspective. Alex wouldn't have wanted me wasting away over him. He'd have held me until I fell asleep. I ate my cereal then curled up on the settee with Alex's hoodie and slowly drifted to sleep. When I woke up I took a shower then cooked a little bit of stir fry. I ate it then went to bed with thoughts of whether Alex was watching over me or if he was perhaps with me sometimes.

The next day, I got up and went to work. Apparently my video had spread like wildfire around the school. I thought my classes would ask me about it but instead, they were silent. Random teachers would bring me coffees throughout the day and give me their sympathies. It was nice but the only person I wanted was Alex. The one person I couldn't have.

The day passed surprisingly quickly, even through entire lessons of silence. Soon enough, I was back at home cooking myself some pasta. I watched the first episode of supernatural again then went shopping to pass the time. I bought some food that I'd run out of, like bread and milk. I'd stopped looking after myself for a few days and it was about time I started again. I got home and put everything away in the cupboards and the fridge before seeing no other reason to not go to bed. As a spur of the moment thing when I was lay in bed, I rang Alex's phone hoping that it would be different this time, that someone would answer and I'd finally be able to get some information. However, I was met with the same annoying beeping noise as before. I texted him again, writing out a long paragraph and falling asleep before finishing or sending it.

I woke up at quarter to 6 and my day at work repeated pretty much exactly the same but with a few more teachers coming up to me to give their condolences. I forced a fake smile and told them some bullshit story about me being "fine soon". Why did I bother? I wasn't going to be fine soon. Alex had killed himself and people just expected me to be fine? All I seemed to be doing lately was faking smiles. I'd spend my day faking smiles then come home and just crumble, weighed down by it all.


8 nights after I'd made the video for Alex, I came home from work and fell asleep on the settee with Alex's hoodie in my arms, tears pouring down my face. I was still grieving. I didn't see an end to my grieving. I still missed Alex like hell. I still couldn't believe he was gone. My Alex was gone. He was gone and it pained me.

Notes

Ok I know you guys just basically hate me now







but tysm for over 1k views, its honestly amazing, I genuinely didn't even expect to get 100. thank you so much if you've subscribed or voted or commented, it cheers me up more than you'll even understand. ily lots