All I Can Give You [CONTEST ENTRY]

Home always seems so far away. Being on tour everyday I grow distant. It feels like my wife is slowly leaving me, letters have become seldom and phone calls rare. I remember back when we used to talk at least every other day, any less would be painful because I missed her so much.
Now I can call her and go straight to voicemail. I can go days and not hear a word from her. Sometimes even weeks. Whenever we do talk, she never takes her time. She responds in short phrases and forgets to say ‘I love you’ when we hang up.
The love of my life has forgotten to love me back. The approaching Baltimore cityscape doesn’t comfort me the way it used to. The promise of a warm welcome home from my wife isn’t there anymore. The joy in my Olivia’s eyes has drained away.
The familiar red and grey home we bought together two years ago doesn’t look as bright as it used to. The snow on the front lawn is untouched, and the warm lights inside don’t seem so warm as they light Olivia from the inside, throwing her silhouette up against the canvas blinds.
My feet carry me up to the front door, a light weight is lifted off my shoulders when my key turns, unlocking the door. This home has transformed since I left. Christmas lights light up a tall pine tree in the corner of the living room, boxes with beautiful ribbon and bows, little notes saying ‘from: Santa’ on each one. Boughs of Holly line the walls. A nativity scene sits on the matle place above the fireplace, the stockings Via and I decorated hang below it.
“Olivia?” I call out to her and walk through the living room, laying my bags in the front hall. I walk through the dining room, where she stands, leaning over the table her brown hair falls around her face. “Olivia?” I smile widely when I see her, slowly she looks up at me and sighs.
“Welcome home Alex.” I watch as she walks over awkwardly holding her arms out for a hug.
“It’s good to be home.” I look down at her and remember why I fell in love with her.
“Yeah.” She smiles a bit and steps back, “Look, Alex, I need to get ready for everyone to come over.” Her eyes eagerly leave mine, focusing once again on the miscellaneous things on the table in front of her.
“Can I help?” I offer and walk up behind her, putting my hand on her back.
“Why don’t you go unpack of something…” Olivia mutters harshly and steps away from my touch.
“I don’t really have much to unpack.” I sigh and pull a chair out, “I missed you..” I mutter, watching her carefully. Olivia’s expression remains motionless as she writes something down on a notepad.
“Yeah.” Olivia whispers, glancing up at me for a short second.
“I brought you some gifts home.” I offer, “They’re from fans.”
“I’ll look at them later.” She sighs and walks out of the room, leaving me to sit alone in the Dining Room. I look around the room and stand up. Watching Olivia through the doorway. She bustles around the kitchen, as I watch her I notice bags under her eyes from lack of sleep. Her lips look chapped and her jaw is locked. The wrinkles on her forehead hard with frustration. Even the way she moves is different. Less fluid and more aggravated.
I sigh and give up on watching her. I shuffle to the couch and fall back on it, I close my eyes and relax, drifting off.

☆☆☆☆

“Alex!” Olivia shouts, “Wake up and put your shit away!” I sit up groggily to watch her stomp through the room over to my suitcase in the front hall.
“Are you alright?” I mumble and furrow my eyebrows, stretching out the knots in my back. The woman who stares at me, hair messy and in filthy clothes is not the Via I fell in love with.
“I’m just sick of your immature shit.” She growls and picks up my shoes, throwing them in the closet carelessly.
“What happened to make you so angry?” I ask and stand up, the digging feeling of frustration filling my gut.
“I’m not angry.” She snaps and pushes past me, bumping my shoulder.
“Clearly.” I huff under my breath.
“What?” Olivia turns on her heels and glares at me,
“I said ‘Clearly’.”
“And what is so clear to you Gaskarth?” She growls, “That I’m asking you to do a simple task? Which you can’t seem to do?”
“I was thinking more along the lines of how clear it is you wish I hadn’t come home!” I snap back at her my heart aches in my chest. My hands shake by my sides, “If you need to say something to me, I want to hear it.” Olivia walks at me until her face is only inches from you, the irony of the mistletoe above our heads only infuriates me more.
“I don’t have anything to say to you Alex.” She mutters and walks past me towards the stairs.
“What the fuck happened to you to make you such a bitch all of a sudden?” I watch as she starts up the stairs.
“You happened Alex.” She says dryly and for some reason that hurts more then it could have if she had yelled it at me, or if she had hit me.
I know why she’s angry. I understand why she hates me now. At least I think I do. I’ve heard of it before. I’ve seem couples crumble under the pressure of the tour life. I’ve seen people who were the most in love I had ever seen anybody break up after months of being apart. I can see now that the one person who I absolutely didn’t want to loose I’m loosing. I look at the guitar case in the front hall and think of what I do best…

Boxes and bows full of ribbons and clothes,
Set up neatly beneath the tree.
With a tag on each one saying Santa has come,
Guess this is the one from me.
Oh, how I love that the lights in your eyes are all mine.
I love the look on your face…

Lyrics roll off my lips as the melody plays beneath my fingers. I remember back to when she would tell me how much she loved listening to me play. The music scrawled out in front of me brings a smile to my lips. This is why I was in a band. The joy of making music.
Especially music for someone special. The guitar slips in the satin case before I walk upstairs to our shared bedroom. Though my heart drops to my toes as I look down at the pile of pillows and blankets on the floor in front of me. The bundle in my arms seems heavier then it should, the walk back down to the couch is far worse then any walk of shame I’ve done before.

☆☆☆☆

Olivia bustles around, things clang around as she moves them. Not bothering to be at all gentle with our belongings.
“Sleep well?” I mutter sarcastically and sit up, my jeans scratchy against my legs.
“Yes of course I did. How was the couch?” She smirks at me and throws the guitar at me. I only manage to catch it from falling to the floor.
“Be careful with that!” I snap at her and open up the case quickly, checking for any damage, thankfully none was inflicted.
“Oh I’m sorry.” She pouts sarcastically, “I’m sorry your baby may have gotten hurt when you didn’t put it away.”
“Damn Olivia what is wrong with you?” I snap at her and stand up putting the guitar on the couch.
“I want you out of my house by 6 pm today.” Olivia stares at me with perced lips and a hard expression. Generally making her look angry.
“Yeah.” I laugh not entirely understanding what she’s saying to me.
“I’m serious Alex.” She frowns and swallows hard, “I’m sure you can go stay at Jack’s apartment or something. My lawyer is writing up our divorce papers now.”
I stare at her, my ears ringing. This isn’t actually happening to me. Not now not her. My Via is gone, and this Olivia is in her place. The home we bought together isn’t ours anymore, I suppose she doesn’t want it to be either.
“I’m sorry to tell you like this but I don’t want you here anymore.” She continues dryly, “I guess I’m just not set for this lifestyle. I’ve been seeing other people too, and I think that is what would be best for you as well.” Olivia sighs and shrugs, shoving her hands in her pockets.
“Yeah.” Is all I manage to say before sitting back on the couch, my knees to weak to hold me up anymore as spots blur my vision. ‘Till death do us part’ I thought. When I put this ring on my finger we agreed that if needed we could do some marriage counseling or something.
“Should I give you some space or something…” Olivia laughs uncomfortably, her temper wearing thin.
“I should leave.” I sigh and stand up, picking up my still unpacked bag from tour. I look up at the mistletoe that hangs over our front door and glance back at her as she watches me.
“Here.” Olivia sighs and picks up the acoustic guitar walking it over to me. I see the papers I wrote the song down on the table. I may as well leave them, they were for her after all.

Boxes and bows full of ribbons and clothes,
Set up neatly beneath the tree.
With a tag on each one saying Santa has come,
But where are the ones from me?
Oh, how I wanted the lights in your eyes to mine.
I wanted the look on your face…

Notes

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