Chapter 26

Alex’s POV

It was nice hanging out with Cass again, although I still didn’t trust her all of the way. After a while, Jack came back to join us.

We sort of lazed around after Cass left. We cuddled on the couch downstairs in front of the TV all night, watching stupidly amazing movies like Monty Python and the Holy Grail and Back to the Future.

I ran towards the bathroom, feeling the urge running through me like cocaine in my system. I snatched a blade off the counter and didn’t hesitate dragging it across my wrist. The pain only spurred me on and I did it again. Over and over. Seventeen cuts later and I wasn’t even feeling sick or tired.

Jack came through the door. “Alex, what have you done to yourself?!” He yelled.

I turned around and showed him. “I cut myself.”

“No shit, why? I thought you stopped this!”

“I’m sorry.” I whispered. “People like me don’t change.”

I jumped away, scared out of my mind. Jack was still awake and I attached myself to his side, my arms going around his waist.

“What’s the matter babe?” He asked, kissing my hair.

“I had a dream where I was cutting and then you came in and saw me and asked why I did it and I said people like me don’t change and I was right because we don’t change, we always go to cutting as an escape.”

“Aww.” He cooed. “It’s okay, I don’t think that you’ll go back to cutting.”

“You don’t think. You don’t know. Maybe my dream was a sign that I’ll never change and something will go wrong and I’ll just turn to cutting.”

“Then you’ll have to prove your dream wrong.” He smiled and kissed my forehead.

I smiled halfheartedly back, but didn’t let go of him. I eventually fell asleep again, no nightmares this time.

~~~
Jack and I spent the weekend together, sort of doing nothing, other than going to the beach for part of the day on Sunday to relax some.

Unfortunately, Monday came and Jack seemed distant. “Jack, you alright?” I asked as we sat in the spinny chairs in his classroom before school.

“Um, yeah...”

“No, there’s something on your mind, now what is it?”

“Nothing is wrong, Alex.”

Déjà vu. Just a few months ago.

“Oh my god, it’s nothing! There isn’t anything to tell you! Lay off!”

“Don’t do this again, Jack. It’s easier just to tell me what’s wrong.”

“There isn’t anything wrong! Back off!” He exclaimed, clearly annoyed with me.

My jaw clenched and I stood up, leaving the room. “Alex, wait.” Jack called.

I turned around at the door. “You’re getting what you wanted, Jack. I’m backing off.” I said with a glare before exiting the room and finding Cass. “Hey.” I sighed.

“What’s with you?” She asked at my tone.

“Jack is hiding something from me and told me to back off, so I did and now he can sit there in his misery as he thinks about what he said.”

“Um... Didn’t he do this a while ago too?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I wonder if it’s the same thing he’s not telling me. Maybe I’ll skip first.”

“No. Go and sing a song that gets the message through to him that you’re mad.”

I grinned. “Which one, Get Down On Your Knees and Tell Me That You Love Me or Happy Without You?”

“Both.”

“Alright.” The bell rang and we walked in together. I didn’t even glance at Jack, just took my seat next to Cass. Just my luck, he gave us a free period.

“Cass, get up here and sing with me.” I said, winking at her. She grinned and sat next to me as I got my guitar out. “Here’s a little song called Get Down On Your Knees and Tell Me That You Love Me, and it goes a lot like this.”

“I’ve been played a fool, four, three, two many times...”

Cass didn’t sing along to this one. She did sing along to TDF, though. And I sang along to How You Love Me Now, her own song.

I knew Jack was glaring at my back. I knew he knew he had pissed me off. And I knew he had something he wasn’t telling me.

We played hate/angry songs the whole period. Fall Out Boy’s Thanks for the Memories, my song Do You Want Me Dead, Forget About It, TDF’s Medicine for You, and Anarbor’s Where the Wild Things Are.

“Why so many angry songs, Alex?” Jasey smirked.

“None of your damn business.”

“Something with Jack?”

“None. Of. Your. Damn. Business.” I growled through my teeth. She shut up after that.

The bell rang and I put my guitar together, not even looking at Jack on my way out with Cassadee.

After history, we all sat down at lunch together. Everyone sitting with me knew something was up. “Why are you so pissy today, Lex?” Zack asked.

“Jack’s not telling me something and when I bugged him to tell me, he told me to back off. So I am.” I shrugged. “He’s getting just what he wanted.”

My phone buzzed. Jack. I sighed and opened the text. Come to my room.

I rolled my eyes and told them I was going to see him. I walked to his room, taking my time. As soon as I got in, Jack raised an eyebrow at me. “What the hell?” He asked, clearly mad.

“What the hell what?”

“What the fuck is your problem? Singing all those hate songs? Ignoring me?”

“I’m pissed at you! You’re not telling me something, I know you aren’t! And you should know by now that I express my feelings through music.” I crossed my arms and glowered at him.

“You did NOT have to do that in front of the entire class though.” He growled.

“Either tell me what’s going on or I’m leaving.”

He just glared at me. I scoffed and stormed out, back to my lunch table. I sat down angrily, throwing my backpack to the floor and leaning my guitar against the side of the table. “What happen there?” Cass asked.

“I told Jack he could tell me what was going on or I was leaving and he didn’t say anything, so I left.”

“Like, you broke up?”

“I don’t know.”

Cass leant in and whispered in my ear. “What if he cuts himself?”

My heart stopped. “He promised he wouldn’t. If he does, I’m going to be really fucking pissed at him.”

“I think you should talk to him, Lex.” Cass said as she moved away from my ear.

“He can either decide to tell me what’s going on with him or I won’t talk to him until he does.”

“Alex, come on.” Danny said. “He loves you. You should be able to figure this out.”

“If he wants to tell me, he can. But until he does, I’m not talking to him.” I snapped before getting up and storming away to the trees outside.

Maria and Jasey came up and sat next to me on the ground. “Hey Alex, something wrong?” Maria asked nicely as Jasey rolled her eyes.

“Yes, but it’s none of your business.”

“Come on baby, you can tell me anything.”

“No I can’t. Please leave, I want to be by myself.”

She sighed, but her and Jasey left. My phone buzzed. Another text from Jack. You seriously don’t need to be a bitch over this. There’s fucking nothing wrong.

I could almost hear the lying and bitterness in his words. I replied, mad at him. Don’t call me a bitch, Jack. There’s something you’re not telling me.

I’m not not telling you anything. I’ll call you whatever the hell I want to call you.

That made me pissed. So now you own me? I have every right to be angry with you.

Don’t be stupid, Alex! I’m not hiding anything from you.

Great. Now I was a stupid bitch. Thanks so much, Jack. Since I’m such a stupid bitch, maybe I’ll go sink a razor into my hip because it looks fun.

Fine. Go. You don’t want to believe me that I’m not hiding anything, you can go and do whatever the hell you want, whore.

Whore? I’m a whore now too? Great. So I’m a stupid, weak, emo, gay, bitchy whore. I didn’t reply and just stood up and went to my next class as the bell rang.

After school, I had no plans of going to Jack’s room. I turned my phone on, finding no texts. I walked out to my car and fixed the engine. I really needed to get this thing fixed for real.

I frowned to myself and decided maybe I’d get a job. Yeah, that’s what I’d do. I got in and drove to the music store, walking in and up to the desk.

“Hey, how can I help you?” The cashier asked.

“I was wondering if there were any job openings?”

“Yeah, actually there is. I’ll call over Matt and we’ll see if you’re job material.” The guy said. “OY, MATT!” He shouted across the room. “COME OVER HERE!”

None other than Mr. Matt Flyzik came walking over. “What, Cameron?”

“Kid wants a job.”

Matt looked at me. “Alex! Hey, you’re already hired. No interview needed.”

“Really?” I asked,

“Sure.”

“Wow, thanks!” I grinned. “When should I start?”

“Tomorrow, after school. Sound good?”

“Yep. Thanks man, I appreciate it.” I smiled before leaving and going to Cass’s house.

“Hey babe.” I said as she answered the door.

“Hey Lex, come on in.” She held the door open wider and I stepped in, removing my shoes. “Upstairs.”

We ran up to her room and lay on the bed together, staring at the ceiling. “Has Jack texted you?” She asked, turning her head to look at me.

“Unfortunately. We have a text thing at lunch where he called me a bitch, a whore, and stupid. So yeah, I’m not talking to him.”

“He said that to you?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Wow. I didn’t know he could be so mean.”

“Well, I’m deciding to stay away from my house tonight, seeing as I know where all the razors are. I don’t know where they are in your house.”

“Want to spend the night?”

“Sure. But push me away if I try to cuddle with you when I’m asleep. Like, relationship sort of cuddle.”

“Okay, sorry about last time.”

“I shouldn’t have overreacted.”

“So we both did something wrong. Truce?” She stuck out her hand, which I shook.

“Truce.” I smiled at her and looked back at the ceiling as I retracted my hand back to resting on my stomach. “Can we go outside?”

“Sure.” We got up and went to the backyard. I laid down on my back on the trampoline, staring up at the sky. It was sort of dark out, but still light. Just then, my phone buzzed. I groaned and pulled it out, reading Jack’s text.

Alex, please tell me you didn’t cut yourself.

I decided not to answer, just to scare him. Another text. Alex, seriously. If you’re ignoring me on purpose, it’s not funny.

And another. Answer me.

Alex?

I’m coming over.

I turned my phone off. Let him go over, he wouldn’t find me. “Who’s texting you?” Cass asked.

“Jack.”

“What’s he saying?”

“Trying to get me to text him back saying I’m not dead. I’m going to scare him and not reply. He’s going over to my house right now.”

“Alex, come on. That’s mean, he’s probably terrified.”

“I doubt it. If he cared about me enough to be scared that I was dead, he wouldn’t have called me a bitch, a whore, or stupid.”

Cass didn’t respond, just looked back up at the sky. I sighed.

We lay there for hours, her mom only bothering us to give us some grilled cheeses for dinner, which we ate on the trampoline. It was around 11pm and pitch black out, with the exception of the stars.

I started to sing a random tune. “Meet me on Thames Street, I’ll take you out though I’m hardly worth your time. In the cold, you look so fierce but I’m warming up, ‘cause the tension’s like a fire... We’ll hit South Broadway in a matter of minutes and like a bad movie I’ll drop a line, fall in the grave I’ve been digging myself but there’s room for two, six feet under the stars.”

I looked over at Cass, who was already looking at me and smiling. I had the urge to kiss her, although I knew it wouldn’t be right. So I settled for just smiling back at her. “I liked that.” She commented.

“Thanks.”

We fell asleep out there, her mom covering us with a blanket at some point.

I didn’t try to cuddle with her in my sleep this time. We stayed separated, sleeping peacefully until her mom came and woke us up. “Guys, time to get up, you have school.”

I nodded tiredly and closed my eyes again. I absolutely hated mornings. “Should I skip today just to scare Jack?” I asked Cass, opening my eyes.

“No. Let him know you’re okay.”

I sighed and figured she was right. We got up and I stopped by my house to get dressed, knowing Tom and Jack were both at school. I just threw on some black skinnies and a purple v-neck with my black converse. I put on a beanie, not feeling like doing anything with my hair.

We drove to school together. I didn’t go to Jack’s room when we got there, instead opting to stay with Cass.

“Cass, you should really go out with Rian.” I tried to convince her.

“No, I like you.”

“I know. But Rian really isn’t so much different than me, personality-wise. We like the same type of music, play instruments, same sense of humor, the only big difference are our looks.”

“He’s not a bad looking guy, but you’re better.”

“And I also taken.”

“Are you?”

I thought about it. “Actually, I don’t know, but I’m not going to date you, Cass. Sorry.”

She sighed. “I get it. You have Jack.”

“I think.”

The bell rang and we reluctantly walked to English. Some kids were already in there and I sat with Cass, like we used to do.

My phone buzzed and I knew it was Jack. I rolled my eyes and looked at it.

You scared the fuck out of me and Tom last night, what the hell were you thinking? We almost called the police for a search party to try and find you!

I didn’t reply, just turned it off and put it in my pocket. I wasn’t in the mood for him right now.

He taught the lesson stiffly, yet quickly. “Why so uptight?” Danny asked.

“Something came up.” He said through his gritted teeth. I hadn’t made eye contact with him all morning.

Everyone left him alone after that, instead choosing to listen to me sing. “He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes...” I sang slowly.

Cass’s part came up. “I'm not coming back (forgive me), I've done something so terrible, I'm terrified to speak (I'm not calling, I'm not calling), but you'd expect that from me, I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt, now the rain is just (You're driving me crazy, I'm), washing you out of my hair and out of my mind, keeping an eye on the world,
from so many thousands of feet off the ground, I'm over you now, I'm at home in the clouds, and towering over your head...”

“I guess I’ll go home now...” I sang the last few lines. I have to say, out of all the songs I’ve written, this is one of my favorites.

I moved into The Century, singing Hopeless Romantic. I realized at the end of the song something about a Mayday Parade song title. ‘Call Me Hopeless, But Not Romantic’. Was it named after Hopeless Romantic?

I decided to take a little break from singing and talk with my friends instead. “So what’s the status of you and Jack?” Rian asked.

“I don’t want to talk about Jack.” I snapped, then sighed. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap. I just don’t want to talk about him right now.”

“Alright, that’s fine.” We switched to the topic of bands, which ones we loves, which ones we hate.

“Name one you hate.” Zack said.

“Um... Blood on the Dance Floor.” I said. Cass nodded.

“One you love. Or multiples, I know you love a billion.”

“Anarbor, Artist vs Poet, The Downtown Fiction, The Summer Set, This Century, We Are the In Crowd, We the Kings, Blink-182, Fall Out Boy, Coldplay, Jack’s Mannequin, Joe Brooks, The Maine, Mayday Parade, Panic! At the Disco, Parachute, Train, All American Rejects, Hey Monday,” I poked Cass’s side, “Jimmy Eat World, Theory of a Deadman, and The Ready Set."

They just sort of stared at me for a minute. “Shit. You really like music.”

I laughed. “You’re just now figuring that out?”

We played our little music game for the rest of the period and I sang two more songs with Cass. Homecoming, her song, and Sick Little Games, mine.

The bell rang and Jack called me up. “Alex, come here.” He said, his voice cold.

I didn’t even acknowledge him.

I just knew he was going to say something mean to me. Or tell me I needed to stop playing my little game of ‘catch me if you can’, boyfriend style.

I went to Cass’s house again after school and we hung out there, working on the song I had sung last night on the trampoline, Six Feet Under the Stars. We got rather far on it, but not quite finishing.

My phone buzzed and while I knew it was Jack, I looked at it anyways. What the hell? Do you think you can just ignore me like that?

I can do whatever the hell I want. You don’t own me. And right now, I don’t even know if you have me as a friend or anything.

What? I love you, you know that.

This right here is exactly why I’ve always doubted myself. This argument. You calling me stupid, a bitch, a whore, that only makes me more insecure about myself and you’re lucky I’m not at my house right now because if I was, there’d be a razor in my hip or my wrist.

I’m sorry, Lex. I love you, I really do. I mean every word I say to you when you’re doubting yourself.

You’re making that hard to believe. I honestly don’t think you love me, Jack. If you did, you would know that what you said only broke me down more. And hearing it from the one person who I thought loved me endlessly didn’t make the situation any better.

Are you breaking up with me?

I don’t know.

Please don’t, I love you so much. I’m crying right now just thinking about living without you. Partly because I can’t live without you unless I want to be miserable at best. I don’t want to lose you Lex, I love you, I really do.

I could almost hear his voice cracking through text. I showed it to Cass. “Should I forgive him?”

“Ask him what he needs to tell you.”

I nodded. I love you too, but I need to know what it is you aren’t telling me, because I know it’s something. I can tell when there’s something on your mind.

It’s nothing.

It’s not nothing, Jack! You did it a couple months ago also! Now I need you to tell me what the fuck it is that you aren’t telling.

I could basically hear him sigh. I knew him too well. Lex, please don’t make me.

I’m your boyfriend. I have every right to know.

I’m sick. Like, really sick.

My heart plummeted. What?

I have a heart disease and I’m going to need a heart transplant.

My house. Now.

“Cass, I have to go right now, Jack and I have something to discuss.” I said, my voice shaky in fear.

“Everything okay?”

“No. I need to go, I’ll see you tomorrow, bye, love you.” I said quickly, kissing her cheek before running from her room and out the door to my house.

I paced around my room, trying to stay calm. Surely this couldn’t be TOO bad, right? Well, no, it must be if he needed a transplant. The doorbell rang and I sprinted downstairs to get it.

There stood sexy Jack, biting his lip and looking nervous. My eyes filled with tears at the sight of him and knowing he had a heart disease. I ran forward and hugged him tightly, breaking down and sobbing into his chest. He hugged me back just as tightly.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” I cried as he rubbed my back and hushed me.

“It’s okay, Alex. Can we go inside?”

I remembered we were standing on my front porch and I nodded, letting go and pulling him up to my room. We lay on my bed, me cuddled up to Jack’s side as I cried and cried into his shirt. His arm was around my shoulders and he hushed me, trying to get me to calm down.

“Shh, Alex, it’s okay, I’m fine for now.”

“You have a h-heart disease! You aren’t f-fine!” I sobbed.

“I’m getting a transplant. I’ll be okay.”

I couldn’t answer, I just cried harder, my entire body shaking with sobs. I didn’t know how to deal with this.

“Alex, please calm down baby, I love you too much to just let you cry like this, it makes me upset.” Jack pleaded.

“I love you too.” I whispered, trying to get my tears to slow. Once they did, we were finally able to talk.

“When did this happen?” I asked quietly, drying my eyes.

“I found out about it a few days before the other time I wouldn’t tell you what was wrong.”

“That long? And you didn’t tell me?”

He nodded. “I didn’t think it was that bad. Instead of going to see Matt on Friday, I went to the doctor’s office instead and they ran some tests. Turns out there’s a tumor in the right atrium.”

I started crying again, but not as hard. “When’s the transplant?”

“A month from Saturday.”

I nodded and wiped my tears. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I didn’t want you to get too worried.”

“You still should have told me.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Are you going to let your classes know?”

He nodded. “It causes mood swings occasionally, as you’ve seen, and they should know why they happen for what seems like no reason. And I didn’t mean it when I called you a bitch or a whore or stupid.”

“Okay, I forgive you.”

He smiled and kissed me quickly.

“Wait, Jack, isn’t it dangerous for us to sleep together now? Because it gets your heart racing?”

He nodded. “Yeah. We can’t sleep together for a while now.”

“Whatever I have to do to ensure that you stay safe.”

He smiled again and rubbed my arm. “I’ll be fine, Lexi. I promise you.”

“Promises are boxes on Christmas with nothing in them.” I sighed. “No one can keep a promise.”

“I promise I’ll love you forever. And I'm not going to break that promise."

Notes

omfg sorry it took so long! I completely forgot that I was posting on here! I'm sorry!